I feel like I keep dating the same type of guy, how do I break this pattern

[Sendmewings]

Hey all I've been noticing I've been dating the same type of guy. My past relationships were with guys who came on strong. They were both addicts. I took a break from dating and now that I'm back at it I've been noticing the same patterns in the men I date. I've dated three men in the past several months. They start off the same, intense and with the guy really interested. Then when he gets what he wants or doesn't get what he wants they start losing interest. They will start being vague about when we will hang out. They'll reschedule or start being flakey. I've learned to speak up and say I'm not accepting the behavior and then they will disappear. I'm pretty good at moving on except the same scenario keeps happening again. When I look back they arnt guys who were great to begin with. I liked that in the beginning they we're really into me which is why I continued dating. The last guy I was dating would make me feel guilty about not giving him what he wants and saying I'm putting too much pressure on him because now he has to keep dating me in order to have sex. We got really close and then he backed away. Im afraid I'll keep repeating the same pattern. Can someone help me understand why and how to prevent it.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Sendmewings

[fenix]

Hey all I've been noticing I've been dating the same type of guy. My past relationships were with guys who came on strong. They were both addicts. I took a break from dating and now that I'm back at it I've been noticing the same patterns in the men I date. I've dated three men in the past several months. They start off the same, intense and with the guy really interested. Then when he gets what he wants or doesn't get what he wants they start losing interest. They will start being vague about when we will hang out. They'll reschedule or start being flakey. I've learned to speak up and say I'm not accepting the behavior and then they will disappear. I'm pretty good at moving on except the same scenario keeps happening again. When I look back they arnt guys who were great to begin with. I liked that in the beginning they we're really into me which is why I continued dating. The last guy I was dating would make me feel guilty about not giving him what he wants and saying I'm putting too much pressure on him because now he has to keep dating me in order to have sex. We got really close and then he backed away. Im afraid I'll keep repeating the same pattern. Can someone help me understand why and how to prevent it.

 

No offense intended but if this is a pattern, wouldn't be possible that you do something that make those guys who come strong at the beginning lose their interest after?

[Sendmewings]

I'm not offended. That could be the reason and I'm open to it. The guys tend to be very pushy and demanding. One guy invited me on a date and when I drive to his town he said his back hurt and didn't want to go golfing anymore. I suggested coffee but he said he had tea in the lobby of his apartment building. Me trying to be nice because he was in pain went to his house. We didn't do anything but after the fourth time of him being flakey about real plans I spoke up and said I'm not accepting it he said he just wanted to hang out when it was convenient for him. it ended at that and then I started dating this other guy who was all over the place.

[Sendmewings]

Now that I think more I do have a strong opinion, which is when they start backing away. But I don't speak up over anything. It usually speak up after I'm tired of being pushed around. Which I say it's my fault because they are that way in beginning and I get wrapped in the romance thinking they will change or get better

[Arieswoman]

Wings,

How are you meeting these guys?

 

Are you doing OLD or is it socially?

[Sendmewings]

Dating app tinder. The first meet is usually something casual like drinks.

[doyathinkso]

Well chuhhhh!! Stop using tinder.

 

Meet guys in real life, and I do not mean in a bar.

 

Join a club, or get in some coed sport, or frequent your library. The good guys are not on the prowl but probably just doing their own thing. The guys on the prowl, the aggressive ones are your problem.

[Toodaloo]

New rules.

 

1. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates

2. If they start goading you or cajoling you, making you feel guilty or feeling that you have to go on a date with them, ditch them.

3. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates - just saying it again just in case...

4. Always keep first few dates public where there are people around

5. Never have more than one alcoholic drink on first few dates

6. Always have enough money to pay for yourself and get a cab home.

7. Always drive yourself or get your own transport for first few dates

8. If you feel uncomfortable at any point - Bail

9. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates - just saying it again and again just in case...

10. If you feel uncomfortable at any point - Bail - again I am repeating just in case.

 

If the guy is coming on strong and pushing for sex - Bail

If the guy is rushing and texting and phoning too much - Bail

If the guy only talks about one thing - Bail

 

People do not change. They just hide who they are until they can't any more.

 

Ease up and take your time. You do not need to rush. After a year you should know someone reasonably well. Before that you actually know jack all about them. Do not rush it. I am not saying lock it in your knickers I am saying keep your eyes open and your emotions under control. Do not just throw yourself away. Not until you know they are worth it.

[Sendmewings]

New rules.

 

1. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates

2. If they start goading you or cajoling you, making you feel guilty or feeling that you have to go on a date with them, ditch them.

3. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates - just saying it again just in case...

4. Always keep first few dates public where there are people around

5. Never have more than one alcoholic drink on first few dates

6. Always have enough money to pay for yourself and get a cab home.

7. Always drive yourself or get your own transport for first few dates

8. If you feel uncomfortable at any point - Bail

9. NEVER EVER EVER meet a guy at his apartment for the first couple of dates - just saying it again and again just in case...

10. If you feel uncomfortable at any point - Bail - again I am repeating just in case.

 

If the guy is coming on strong and pushing for sex - Bail

If the guy is rushing and texting and phoning too much - Bail

If the guy only talks about one thing - Bail

 

People do not change. They just hide who they are until they can't any more.

 

Ease up and take your time. You do not need to rush. After a year you should know someone reasonably well. Before that you actually know jack all about them. Do not rush it. I am not saying lock it in your knickers I am saying keep your eyes open and your emotions under control. Do not just throw yourself away. Not until you know they are worth it.

 

It made me laugh but I do like those rules. I tend to overlook my gut feelings and give them the benefit of the doubt. You're right I shouldn't be going over to their place at all. Thanks for the tips

[Toodaloo]

It made me laugh but I do like those rules. I tend to overlook my gut feelings and give them the benefit of the doubt. You're right I shouldn't be going over to their place at all. Thanks for the tips

 

Absolutely not - do not ever ignore your gut ever again.

 

Now if you could possibly send that straight back to me I would be grateful...

 

You practice. You lay down heavy rules on yourself and then as time goes by you learn.

 

I was absolutely useless at this dating lark when I started.

 

Still useless at it but better than I was...

 

But do not EVER put yourself in danger by going to strange mens houses. or inviting them to yours! Give it a few dates first, figure out if you are safe. You are not going to know that by looking at a couple of pictures and reading a self professed biography. People do and will lie... Wait until you know what they are going to tell fibs about...

[Gaeta]

That could be the reason and I'm open to it. The guys tend to be very pushy and demanding. .

 

At the first sign of pushiness than drop them. Even if it's just 2 or 3 dates. You need to identify those red flags really early and to abort asap when you see them. Don't give them chances, don't date them 2-3 months. If you drop them at first sign of pushiness then you won't have stories of dating pushy men.

 

When a nice guy ask you out give him a chance. Stop going after hot guys, they're unreliable. I tried for years to convince my daughter to stop dating guys just because they were cool, or hot, or exciting. Cool, hot, exciting is not a solid base to build a relationship on. Finally she gave this regular-joe-blow kind of shy guy a chance and she can't shut-up about him now! all I hear is 'he's so nice', 'he's so nice', 'he's so nice', 'he's so nice', 'he's so nice'!! and right after I hear you're were right mom. :-)

[VeveCakes]

It sounds like you are drawn to avoidant type men...read the book "Attached"...it will explain why you go after these men and how to change the cycle.

 

Sorry, I don't think it's anything you are doing at all, other than being attracted to this.

[Toodaloo]

Also expand your horizons a bit. I took up dancing again after several years break and am loving it. Meeting new people and making fantastic friends.

 

It leads to other things when you meet and socialise with others. It gives you a chance to learn about different people, then you can step back and see what sort of man you want to be with. Everyone is different. You can't put people in neat little boxes. But what you can do is identify the qualities that you admire and like in a chap and that are compatible with you.

 

I do have a rule that I will not date "nice" guys though. They always turn out to be not so nice. I go for the guys that are described as more than just nice. Words like lovely, generous, fun, reliable, loyal, safe, energetic, intelligent, bright, witty, charming, stalwart...

 

"Nice" is a non word that means nothing. All "nice" means is that a person is socially acceptable and there is not much else about them... If the only thing someone can say is that a perosn is nice then it doesn't bode well...

 

Sorry Gaeta... I am sure that your daughter uses other positive words other than nice though...

[Sendmewings]

Yes not n the beginning of dating it's really hard to get used to things. I feel like I'm still learning how to play the game. I think I know now that pushy men are no good so I can drop them now. I guess before I thought pushy men = interest but in reality that were only interested in their own agenda. I have heard about the attachment style I'll look into it. I like the idea of the dancing class. Maybe I need to meet more people and see beyond what I'm used to.

[smackie9]

Ya get off those dating sites that are notorious for hook ups. There are other ones that DO focus on relationships or meet people through friends or social events. Other suggestions made are good ideas too.

 

Maybe being very firm/up front with what you are looking for will stop the dbags from wasting your time. Communication is kinda key.

[preraph]

Well, go slower. Don't give your heart out until you know a little about the guy. You might let him know on the first date or through your social media that you don't want any druggies or whatever.

[Redhead14]

Hey all I've been noticing I've been dating the same type of guy. My past relationships were with guys who came on strong. They were both addicts. I took a break from dating and now that I'm back at it I've been noticing the same patterns in the men I date. I've dated three men in the past several months. They start off the same, intense and with the guy really interested. Then when he gets what he wants or doesn't get what he wants they start losing interest. They will start being vague about when we will hang out. They'll reschedule or start being flakey. I've learned to speak up and say I'm not accepting the behavior and then they will disappear. I'm pretty good at moving on except the same scenario keeps happening again. When I look back they arnt guys who were great to begin with. I liked that in the beginning they we're really into me which is why I continued dating. The last guy I was dating would make me feel guilty about not giving him what he wants and saying I'm putting too much pressure on him because now he has to keep dating me in order to have sex. We got really close and then he backed away. Im afraid I'll keep repeating the same pattern. Can someone help me understand why and how to prevent it.

 

How do you prevent this? -- by having respect for yourself and accepting nothing less than respect from a new dating partner. You are so fixated on finding a partner, that you tune out things you hear and sense that should put you off and you tell yourself things like "eh, he'll change his mind after he gets to know me".

 

We got really close and then he backed away. -- YOU got close, he didn't.

 

What that last guy said to you IN THE BEGINNING was disrespectful to a spectacular degree. Learn to think on your feet. You heard what that last guy said, and then two months later, after you started your last thread, you "remembered" that he'd said that????? That is something a secure, independent, non-desperate woman would have reacted to immediately and walked away from.

 

You do have a lot of insight apparently, but you don't apply it. You know what to look for and expect from dating partners. Finding yourself in the same situation over and over again means you are not focused and centered on YOU, only the hope of having a man in your life.

[mortensorchid]

I feel somewhat of what you are saying. I seem to attract nothing but bad men - those who are not interested, those who are not aggressive enough, those who ultimately end up committing an act of cowardice and refuse to commit to anything (even going to a party with me), those who turn miserable and abusive, etc. If there was an answer, I would tell you that answer. But I don't. Somewhere in the world there are people who it must be so easy for. And I envy them for it.

 

But whatever you do, try to be happy with yourself. Remember that you don't have anyone ultimately but you at this point, and if you are unhappy there is nothing worse than trying to force happiness upon something and being miserable.

[Sendmewings]

How do you prevent this? -- by having respect for yourself and accepting nothing less than respect from a new dating partner. You are so fixated on finding a partner, that you tune out things you hear and sense that should put you off and you tell yourself things like "eh, he'll change his mind after he gets to know me".

 

We got really close and then he backed away. -- YOU got close, he didn't.

 

What that last guy said to you IN THE BEGINNING was disrespectful to a spectacular degree. Learn to think on your feet. You heard what that last guy said, and then two months later, after you started your last thread, you "remembered" that he'd said that????? That is something a secure, independent, non-desperate woman would have reacted to immediately and walked away from.

 

You do have a lot of insight apparently, but you don't apply it. You know what to look for and expect from dating partners. Finding yourself in the same situation over and over again means you are not focused and centered on YOU, only the hope of having a man in your life.

 

How does dating someone equate to desperation? I'm not fixated on finding a man but I'm observant enough to know when there is a problem or pattern. Im very focused on me which is prob why I don't pay much attention to the small hints that these men drop. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I'm dealing with a chronic illness. So I have no choice but to focus on me. I've never really dated most of my relationships have been through friendships so yes I'm a bit clueless and naive. In the beginning I stated clearly I'm only looking for commitment and he said the same that he was ready. I focused on that. Yes I should have paid more attention to him dropping hints after that he was lying. He was the one initiating everything. He did get close he told me his secrets.

Just because I'm looking to date and run into a few bad apples does not make me desperate. Unforutnalty that's how society wants to pin anyone who wants to get close to someone.

[Redhead14]

How does dating someone equate to desperation? I'm not fixated on finding a man but I'm observant enough to know when there is a problem or pattern. Im very focused on me which is prob why I don't pay much attention to the small hints that these men drop. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I'm dealing with a chronic illness. So I have no choice but to focus on me. I've never really dated most of my relationships have been through friendships so yes I'm a bit clueless and naive. In the beginning I stated clearly I'm only looking for commitment and he said the same that he was ready. I focused on that. Yes I should have paid more attention to him dropping hints after that he was lying. He was the one initiating everything. He did get close he told me his secrets.

Just because I'm looking to date and run into a few bad apples does not make me desperate. Unforutnalty that's how society wants to pin anyone who wants to get close to someone.

 

Dating does not equate to desperation -- You're correct about that but ignoring and dismissing very clear statements from the get go does . . . it means you're telling yourself, "well, he'll change his mind when he gets to know me" or some such other similar internal conversations you have with yourself.

 

When you have a conversation with a man about your dating goals and even if he says his goals are the same, you sit back and continue to observe how he dates you and listen to what he says and how he behaves.

 

And, you don't know that he was LYING necessarily. He was enjoying himself apparently with you and caught up in the "distraction" of being with you. That doesn't mean he was being deceitful or intentionally trying to hurt you, etc. In his case, it's more likely, he was lying to himself that he was ready to move on but realized he wasn't.

[Sendmewings]

You're right. I really did dismiss that statement. And at the moment it felt wrong hearing it too. And I agree it don't think it's healthy that I ignored it either. That should have been my final warning and I should have left before he did.