Am I doing the right thing?

[Fatty23]

To keep a LONG story short.. My ex broke up with me almost two months ago. Now he's sending me mixed signals. When we met up he cried. He asked me to get coffee the next week but then canceled a couple days later. He said he missed me. But over text he's so cold. He says he's not ready to be friends. He feels like if we hang out well go back to being in our old relationship again. He needs more space and time. And eventually we can be friends and maybe something more but he doesn't want the relationship right right now. Well I'm tired of waiting and his mixed signals.

 

So I told him it's now or never. That I'll give him a month of hanging out with me to decide if he wants me in his life or not. And I told him I can't tell him things will be different I can only show him. But he can't have any more space. If he doesn't want me in his life by then, then I'm gone for good and we can never even be friends. He didn't like the now or never thing but he agreed to it. He asked me to dinner the next week at one of our fav places. I was surprised. I thought he would say no. He also said he would text me more and try to be less cold. Well he's texting me more it's just not quite the same. It's still a little cold. Ultimately, I want to get back together. Is this the right thing? Or should I just ignore him? Will this help or hurt things?

[Miss Spider]

What was the reason for the breakup?

[Fatty23]

What was the reason for the breakup?

 

 

At first he said he wasn't happy. Later on he said he did it impulsively and should have told me how he was feeling beforehand. He felt a lot of things one of them was that he put more into the relationship than I was. That he was "always digging a hole" whatever that means. He says he likes being single right now because he's on his own time. And he's really stressed from work.

[Nadine123]

So I told him it's now or never. That I'll give him a month of hanging out with me to decide if he wants me in his life or not.

 

a month??? he doesnt want to be you in my opinion. someone who wants to be with you wouldnt need a month to make a damn decision.

[Toodaloo]

At first he said he wasn't happy. Later on he said he did it impulsively and should have told me how he was feeling beforehand. He felt a lot of things one of them was that he put more into the relationship than I was. That he was "always digging a hole" whatever that means. He says he likes being single right now because he's on his own time. And he's really stressed from work.

 

Time for some brutal honesty.

 

You are a good person. He recognises that. He actually quite likes you as a human being. But and here it is...

 

HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

 

Sod waiting a month and wasting your valuable healing time. Get rid. Take some time to get over him and go find someone who really does want to be with you.

 

His reasons do not actually matter because it has NOTHING to do with you or your looks or who you are. Its all on him and he just doesn't want this. There is nothing you can do about it and if you get back together he will end up doing this all over again and hurting you all over again... Don't let him. Just get rid.

[Miss Spider]

At first he said he wasn't happy. Later on he said he did it impulsively and should have told me how he was feeling beforehand. He felt a lot of things one of them was that he put more into the relationship than I was. That he was "always digging a hole" whatever that means. He says he likes being single right now because he's on his own time. And he's really stressed from work.

 

I think sometimes people can genuinely be mixed up about their feelings from being in relationship with lots of ups and downs. I know it's difficult because you still want him, but I think you should begin moving on and accepting it might be over. That doesn't mean it necessarily is, or that he might not decide that he wants you back, but it's not good for your wellbeing and you are worthy of more than waiting around in an indefinite limbo. Therefore, it was wise to give the ultimatum. Men don't take ultimatums well. He may call your bluff. Stick to your guns and be prepared to walk away, as hard as that may be.

 

During this month, since you say he has made some efforts in communication and spending time together, be as much of a positive element in his life as you can. When he reaches out, even if he seems a bit distant and cold, be understanding, supportive, and kind. Don't bring up any of your grieveances to him. Give him space. Use the little opportunities you have to show him the change you meant. That way he will have a chance to see you are trying and that having you in his life makes him happier than being alone. Best of luck.

[kidm]

Why not end it now? why a month? What is going to be different in a month? He broke up with you because he's unsure and now he gets a month to decide if he wants to be with you again? Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too---he keeps you hanging on while he is probably enjoying singledom and testing what else is out there. He must feel very special. I doubt he'll come back. What's the point? He broke up with you and you're still around begging for consideration. He's in a good spot. Has he even had to experience what it's like without you in the picture? A breakup implicitly means he thinks he can do better than you and doesn't want you in his life. Give him what he wants.

Edited October 14, 2016 by kidm
typo

[Fatty23]

A month because I want to give him time to show him it could be different but it has to come to a conclusion at some point. He said he's not sure if he made the right decision in breaking up with me. I want to show him that it was "wrong". lol.

[Toodaloo]

A month because I want to give him time to show him it could be different but it has to come to a conclusion at some point. He said he's not sure if he made the right decision in breaking up with me. I want to show him that it was "wrong". lol.

 

He isn't wrong because people do not change.

 

You just want him to be wrong because you have rose tinted glasses on and are only seeing what you want to see rather than what actually is...

[Kelley]

As hard as it is, accept his decision. I know when someone says I need 'space' it's generally a nice way of saying I want out of the relationship. Even the person initiating the breakup will miss you in their life, and that's probably why he is a bit mixed up. It doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship, believe it or not missing is part of moving on as painful as it is.

 

I think you need to step away, go NC and live your life. He knows where you are if he decides you are who he wants. He will be doing everything to get you back, a miss you text, is breadcrumbs. You need to put you first, get some self respect back, no month for him to make his mind up. If he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, give it to him. Don't be a friend, don't be his emotional crutch, just go. It hurts like hell, but trust me it hurts more holding on than letting go. At least when you let go the pain will eventually end. Good luck.

[Trinity_84]

I agree with the posters above.

 

When my last relationship ended, my ex said he wanted a couple of months to "figure things out", I agreed at first but then he couldn't tell me he still loved me, so I went NC and moved on with my life. I couldn't hang around for 2 months waiting for someone to decide if they wanted me or not. Maybe he thought my self-esteem was *that* low. It isn't.

 

Do yourself a favor and go no contact on this guy and start MOVING ON UP! It was the best decision I made, even though I really really cared for my ex.

[chiefbwette]

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Yes you are doing the right thing, you are just doing it the wrong way. Don't you want to be happy? Don't you want to have someone who loves you because they love you?

 

In the world of men, there has never been anything like mixed feelings. Men don't need time to make up decisions, for weather they like, love, or want a woman. A man would like, love, want a woman a moment he sets their eyes on her (at first site) and if a woman gives him a chance, he would do anything and i mean anything for that woman as if he known her for quite some time.

 

Now when a man asks for time to think about a decision for weather being in a love with you is a good or bad thing to do, he is technically telling you that he does not like, love, want you or simply, he does not want to be in a love relationship with you.

The reason he makes the transition smooth (what you women call mixed feeling) is because he doesn't want to directly hurt you or he is still keeping you around for something that he still gains from you that he does not want to loose yet.

 

So please my girl, maybe its time you raise your guards and start getting used to the idea of ending it with this man and finding your self someone who will cherish that lovey heart you have.

Edited October 14, 2016 by chiefbwette

[aloneinaz]

OP,

 

I'm a guy. I've NEVER told someone I loved that I needed "space" no matter what personal drama I had in my life. I'd NEVER risk telling the woman I was in love with and wanted in my life that. I'd be to fearful they tell me to f-off and not talk to me again.

 

Guys/gals who do this have MAJOR doubts about the relationship and a "break" is the first step to being dumped for good.

 

Pls don't accept his bs and let him dictate how things between you transpire. You're letting him have all the power and drive the bus. In all likelihood, he's seeing what other options are out there before cutting the cord for good with you. Don't be his second choice which is exactly what you are right now.

 

Here's what you should do. Send him a FINAL text saying you've thought this through and you have chosen to move on w/life without him being a part of it. Then, block him and have no further contact.

 

Most people would never accept what he's doing to you. They'd end it right then and move onto someone who would never feed them such garbage.

[Fatty23]

Thanks for all the input guys! I guess I should clarify.. I'm not ready to move on nor am I asking if I should. I want to be with him, at least try, and if it doesn't work then I'll move on. I don't know the best way to go about showing him that things would be different if we got back together. I also dont know if this is pushing him away even further. He agreed to hanging out. I think if he didn't care or wasn't considering being back together he wouldn't have agreed to it. I didn't pressure him to say yes either. I just don't know if I should give him more space to see IF he'll come around or do what I'm doing. I really feel like we have a chance. I've never done anything like this before. I've always just moved on. This feels different. Thanks...

[VienneseCoffee]

I've been in the same boat as you with someone who has been doing almost exactly the same thing, but I've been letting it drag on for months now with him being unable to make up his mind. I strongly agree with aloneinaz, part of their confusion is they might want to keep you around as an option in case their new dating adventures don't go very well. Maybe they feel lonely or conflicted but it's hurting you to keep hanging on and accept this treatment. I did finally let him know this week I was tired of it and we are back to not talking to each other. No friends, no nothing. Blocked him on my phone.

[Fatty23]

I've been in the same boat as you with someone who has been doing almost exactly the same thing, but I've been letting it drag on for months now with him being unable to make up his mind. I strongly agree with aloneinaz, part of their confusion is they might want to keep you around as an option in case their new dating adventures don't go very well. Maybe they feel lonely or conflicted but it's hurting you to keep hanging on and accept this treatment. I did finally let him know this week I was tired of it and we are back to not talking to each other. No friends, no nothing. Blocked him on my phone.

 

Thanks for the response! I read your post and I feel like our situation is similar, but different only because I set the time limit. I think you did the right thing though. I think he needs time to miss you. they freak out when we really mean what we say and follow through. I don't know for certain that he'll come back but if he's dating other people he sounds like a douche. I feel like guys always come back when we've moved on. It's like something in the air that they sense. Anyway, I wish you strength and peace and that whatever you choose brings you happiness.

[VienneseCoffee]

Thanks for the response! I read your post and I feel like our situation is similar, but different only because I set the time limit. I think you did the right thing though. I think he needs time to miss you. they freak out when we really mean what we say and follow through. I don't know for certain that he'll come back but if he's dating other people he sounds like a douche. I feel like guys always come back when we've moved on. It's like something in the air that they sense. Anyway, I wish you strength and peace and that whatever you choose brings you happiness.

 

Hi there, thanks in your situation I think a month sounds like plenty of time to see if you two can work it out. don't let him drag it out forever!

[chiefbwette]

Thanks for all the input guys! I guess I should clarify.. I'm not ready to move on nor am I asking if I should.

 

You are a good woman, you truly love when you decide to love. From the way you explain his behaviors and with your passionate loving heart, i just don't think he deserves your tears and hurting.

 

Trust me when i say, i would love to give you all the advises i could to help you strengthen your relationship if truly your situation (at least as far as i have read it) called for such advises. My goal (or i guess any other person) on this forum is to positively contribute to people's relationship situations. I don't see how advising you not to move on from such a guy would positively contribute to your situation.

 

Trust me, all i told you from the reply above was from experience, you are only going to hurt your self further and further if you fail to train your heart to learn to accept when things fail to go the way it wanted.

[Fatty23]

You are a good woman, you truly love when you decide to love. From the way you explain his behaviors and with your passionate loving heart, i just don't think he deserves your tears and hurting.

 

Trust me when i say, i would love to give you all the advises i could to help you strengthen your relationship if truly your situation (at least as far as i have read it) called for such advises. My goal (or i guess any other person) on this forum is to positively contribute to people's relationship situations. I don't see how advising you not to move on from such a guy would positively contribute to your situation.

 

Trust me, all i told you from the reply above was from experience, you are only going to hurt your self further and further if you fail to train your heart to learn to accept when things fail to go the way it wanted.

 

Thanks! I guess I just don't want to have any regrets. I don't think he'd want to see me again if he were really completely over it and sure of the break up. And he told me he's not. I'm just gonna hope for the best but expect the worst. It's been getting easier every day. And reading comments like yours helps. It makes me realize I shouldn't take anymore crap! Lol so thanks again.

[Kelley]

You will learn the hard way like I had to, waiting just prolongs the heartache and pain. He is still in touch because he is using you as an emotional crutch to move on guilt and pain free. It gets easier everyday because you are in touch, and your hope is still alive, but as soon as the month is up, and he still decides the relationship is over you will really feel it. Maybe you will give him another month, and then another month because it's easier than accepting it's over and going through the pain. You need to look after you, he is looking after himself trust me!

 

 

Thanks! I guess I just don't want to have any regrets. I don't think he'd want to see me again if he were really completely over it and sure of the break up. And he told me he's not. I'm just gonna hope for the best but expect the worst. It's been getting easier every day. And reading comments like yours helps. It makes me realize I shouldn't take anymore crap! Lol so thanks again.

[Fatty23]

Kelley:

 

I understand what you're saying but I think everyone's individual situation is different. Not saying mine is but who knows. I read your story and I'm sorry what you had to go through. I would have done much worse. After you guys broke up, did your ex ever talk about getting back together with you?

[evanop]

I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and wanted to stay in touch and stay friends, telling me he just needed some space away from our current LDR (he is set to return in 7 weeks), and wants to see me when he gets back. Tells me not to wait, but drags me along by saying that he wont be with anyone else in this time and that he thinks there is a very big possibility of us getting back together.

I told him I wanted no contact and first he did not accept it, cried, told me we wont get back together if I cut contact and all that stuff.

Urgh, and telling me all the time how guilty he feels etc.

I have had enough. I am not talking to him anymore. We are 4,5 days no contact now. I am trying my best to keep doing what I am doing.

Today I had a big urge of writing to him, but I did not.

 

And I won't.

[The_Onceler]

I am sorry to hear that you are having these troubles. I wish that I had advice or insights that would make you feel better, but I am afraid that I do not.

 

The first thing that came to mind for me (well, OK, the second thing) was: what needs to change? What needs to be different? You have noted more than once that you want him to stick around for a month, so see how things can be better/changed. I guess, even before knowing your answer, I would offer that people rarely change, and attempting to change yourself in order to please somebody else typically backfires.

 

What REALLY came to my mind first was, "I used to be that same guy!"

 

I have been in relationships (well, one in particular) where I struggled in much the same way. I was drawn to the woman, but at the same time, I was constantly nagged in my mind that I was not really happy. The result was a lot of breakup/makeup cycles with her. In the end, I think what I was experiencing was (1) that we truly were not compatible, despite a strong attraction, and (2) that I was so confused by my own emotions that I was unable to make a decision.

 

I wish I had known myself better back then, so that I could have acted decisively. It might have saved the both of us a lot of heartache.

 

So, my point is, whether he knows it or not, it sounds as if he might be stringing the both of you along due to his own inability to understand his feelings and/or make up his mind. This bodes ill for you, I am afraid.

 

But, I have been wrong before, so... Good luck!

[Fatty23]

I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and wanted to stay in touch and stay friends, telling me he just needed some space away from our current LDR (he is set to return in 7 weeks), and wants to see me when he gets back. Tells me not to wait, but drags me along by saying that he wont be with anyone else in this time and that he thinks there is a very big possibility of us getting back together.

I told him I wanted no contact and first he did not accept it, cried, told me we wont get back together if I cut contact and all that stuff.

Urgh, and telling me all the time how guilty he feels etc.

I have had enough. I am not talking to him anymore. We are 4,5 days no contact now. I am trying my best to keep doing what I am doing.

Today I had a big urge of writing to him, but I did not.

 

And I won't.

 

Good! Don't let him have the power then he won't come back. i would have told him either we're back together or we're not talking. None of this wait and see crap. I think sometimes guys think we'll always be waiting around. And why would they come back right away if they know they have us whenever they want? I'm not giving my ex a month anymore. I'm gonna tell him how I feel when we hang out. And if he doesn't want to give it a shot I'm cutting all contact for good. Just gonna pretend he never existed. I can't be friends and I can't wait for him to come around. I'm a person and I matter too. I'm putting my feelings before his now. I felt like I needed to give him what he wanted because I love him but he's being selfish. So now I'm going to.

[Fatty23]

I am sorry to hear that you are having these troubles. I wish that I had advice or insights that would make you feel better, but I am afraid that I do not.

 

The first thing that came to mind for me (well, OK, the second thing) was: what needs to change? What needs to be different? You have noted more than once that you want him to stick around for a month, so see how things can be better/changed. I guess, even before knowing your answer, I would offer that people rarely change, and attempting to change yourself in order to please somebody else typically backfires.

 

What REALLY came to my mind first was, "I used to be that same guy!"

 

I have been in relationships (well, one in particular) where I struggled in much the same way. I was drawn to the woman, but at the same time, I was constantly nagged in my mind that I was not really happy. The result was a lot of breakup/makeup cycles with her. In the end, I think what I was experiencing was (1) that we truly were not compatible, despite a strong attraction, and (2) that I was so confused by my own emotions that I was unable to make a decision.

 

I wish I had known myself better back then, so that I could have acted decisively. It might have saved the both of us a lot of heartache.

 

So, my point is, whether he knows it or not, it sounds as if he might be stringing the both of you along due to his own inability to understand his feelings and/or make up his mind. This bodes ill for you, I am afraid.

 

But, I have been wrong before, so... Good luck!

 

Thanks for your insight! It's much appreciated! What I mean is I don't think I need to change who I am. What he didn't like about our relationship I didn't like either. We smothered each other and didn't let ourselves be individuals. He was guilty of it too.

 

I don't think we're incompatible. We share a lot of the same beliefs and want the same things. I think a lot of his unhappiness wasn't just from me but work and other things. We almost broke up before (a year ago) when he was having a hard time at his old job. He hated it and would come home so stressed. Then when he got a new job our relationship was so much better. We traveled, did awesome things. Now he's so wrapped up in work again and every time we talk he complains about it. How it's so stressful.

 

i feel like he wants to come back to me when he gets bored or lonely. Which is not ok with me. We're supposed to get dinner this weekend. I want to tell him how I feel. I figure he doesn't feel the same. But then I can finally let go. Just block all contact with him. If he wants to be with me he knows where I live, work etc.