Can't get a girlfriend; or even girl friends

[bmne90]

So I'm a shy 25 year old male, currently in school working on my education still. Most people my age (or younger) seem to have already found success with women, or at least have had lots of experience.

 

However, I've never had a girlfriend/been in a relationship before, nor have I even had the opportunity to get friend-zoned yet lol. At school, I talk to girls in class, but nothing ever seems to transpire. I've offered to hangout, grab lunch, etc., but they never agree to it in the end.

 

My question is, what am I doing wrong? How do I even get a girlfriend; more importantly how do I even make friends with girls?

[Vado]

So I'm a shy 25 year old male, currently in school working on my education still. Most people my age (or younger) seem to have already found success with women, or at least have had lots of experience.

 

However, I've never had a girlfriend/been in a relationship before, nor have I even had the opportunity to get friend-zoned yet lol. At school, I talk to girls in class, but nothing ever seems to transpire. I've offered to hangout, grab lunch, etc., but they never agree to it in the end.

 

My question is, what am I doing wrong? How do I even get a girlfriend; more importantly how do I even make friends with girls?

 

Hard to say based on what you wrote. Are you nervous, shy or insecure around girls? Do you have guy friends? Just talk to girl friends as if they were guys. First socialize more in general before you aproach one of the girls you hav e a crush on. Be cool about it, like it's no big deal.

[palmsand]

How long have been at your current school? I don't want to make assumptions but I would guess you are more of a quite, intellectual guy like me. It took me a long time to figure this out about myself but am now sure this is the case.

 

Maybe the root of the problem is that you don't have, or feel like you have much in common with the girls you talk to? If you feel at all like you have to 'come up' with something to say or conversation seems forced, it wouldn't make the best impression.

 

However, if the conversation flows naturally and keeps her interested, you should be in good shape.

 

Do you really find the people you are interacting with interesting and stimulating?

[tomtheman1234]

I feel for you as I am 40 and have a very mild learning difficulty and most people don't now I have anything wrong. Anyhow I have some female friends and have been in a few relationships. In this day and age it's very hard to find love. I have been on so many first dates that lead to nothing more than just a first date. Yes it's upsetting sometimes to be single. I just found out that my learning difficulty can make me come across looking a little be nervous. I think that might put people offf wanting to get to know me. But I think if you are happy in yourself and living in the right area and just be yourself then you should get lucky. 11 months ago I moved from the south East of the UK where I was a small fish in a big pond to the more chilled out alternative Cornwall in the South West of the UK. As the area is more suited to me good things have started happening to me joined a band met the most amazing girl on Internet date. Been on 3 dates together and got 2 more planned.

My advise try Internet dating its very hit and miss but if you stick with it you might get lucky. In the end. Also join an evening cooking class or walking group or a theatre group or some sporting activitie the more new people you meet the more lucky you are to fine love. It worked for me. Also don't get to upset if you meet a lot of females that are so wrong for you as there is someone out there for everyone.

[PogoStick]

What do you male friends tell you when you ask about your problems with girls?

[bmne90]

Hard to say based on what you wrote. Are you nervous, shy or insecure around girls? Do you have guy friends? Just talk to girl friends as if they were guys. First socialize more in general before you aproach one of the girls you hav e a crush on. Be cool about it, like it's no big deal.

I would say I'm both nervous and shy. I have a couple guy friends, but they're not exactly "players" either, which makes it more difficult to seek advice from. Treating girls as if they were guys is a good advice, I will try that out. And I really do need to socialize more in general.

 

I'm also beginning to think that because, deep down, I'm so desperate that it comes off as being needy and wanting something in return -- probably the biggest turn-off in the world.

[bmne90]

How long have been at your current school? I don't want to make assumptions but I would guess you are more of a quite, intellectual guy like me. It took me a long time to figure this out about myself but am now sure this is the case.

 

Maybe the root of the problem is that you don't have, or feel like you have much in common with the girls you talk to? If you feel at all like you have to 'come up' with something to say or conversation seems forced, it wouldn't make the best impression.

 

However, if the conversation flows naturally and keeps her interested, you should be in good shape.

 

Do you really find the people you are interacting with interesting and stimulating?

I've actually only started attending this new school for exactly one month now. Maybe that's a big factor? If so, how long does it usually take to make friends that are girls?

 

And you asked several very good questions -- all of the girls that I talk to, I seem to have to "come up with things to say". Perhaps this is a result of not having many friends and social opportunities?

 

The other question -- I actually don't find the people I talk to stimulating, but because I don't have a lot of friends, those that I talk to seem interesting and stimulating enough, does that make sense haha?

[PaperCrane]

Put yourself in situations where you're 'powerful', i.e. clubs and activities you're good at. If a girl is in that environment you won't need to search for a thing to say because it's a common factor already.

 

Trying to force it oozes desperation which makes any conversation feel uncomfortable.

[bmne90]

I feel for you as I am 40 and have a very mild learning difficulty and most people don't now I have anything wrong. Anyhow I have some female friends and have been in a few relationships. In this day and age it's very hard to find love. I have been on so many first dates that lead to nothing more than just a first date. Yes it's upsetting sometimes to be single. I just found out that my learning difficulty can make me come across looking a little be nervous. I think that might put people offf wanting to get to know me. But I think if you are happy in yourself and living in the right area and just be yourself then you should get lucky. 11 months ago I moved from the south East of the UK where I was a small fish in a big pond to the more chilled out alternative Cornwall in the South West of the UK. As the area is more suited to me good things have started happening to me joined a band met the most amazing girl on Internet date. Been on 3 dates together and got 2 more planned.

My advise try Internet dating its very hit and miss but if you stick with it you might get lucky. In the end. Also join an evening cooking class or walking group or a theatre group or some sporting activitie the more new people you meet the more lucky you are to fine love. It worked for me. Also don't get to upset if you meet a lot of females that are so wrong for you as there is someone out there for everyone.

tomtheman1234,

 

You hit the spot: I also just moved to a new area, and have only started attending this new college for exactly one month now. Because I've never really had any experiences with settling in new areas before, how long did it take you to get on a date? Or even just some female friends?

 

This place seems to be very suitable for me, but I'm always under the impression that "one cannot run from themselves" -- meaning that who you are deep down, you cannot run from, no matter where in the world you happen to be at. But your advice is very relatable, and I really took it to heart. I will be more active in the community and in my school. Thank you for giving me hope that "there is someone out there for everyone". Thank you.

[bmne90]

What do you male friends tell you when you ask about your problems with girls?

My male friends actually don't find anything wrong with me on the surface, and actually assume that I'm going on dates every night. However, they're not exactly "players" themselves, which makes it harder to seek advice from.

[Nowty V]

It takes no time at all to become friends with girls.

 

If you are an Introvert/HSP personality type you need to read up and find out how you fit in with the World. Find out who you are and be you.

 

Read anything by Elaine Aron or Quiet by Susan Cain

 

The main thing is that you are being your authentic self, when you are this girls are a breeze to connect with.

 

You may have feelings of being wrong, this is normal with unaware HSP's, this maybe why you are using terms like 'desperate' and 'needy'.

 

If you were happy in your own skin you would not have the feeling of 'having to come up with things to say'

 

Once you tuned in to the girl's wavelength conversation/entertaining her would flow naturally.

 

Be authentic and no need to be afraid. Find out what music she's listening to, what comedians she likes, does she have any particular interests e.g. Norman castles in South west England.

 

Girls like to laugh, if you can be authentic and make them laugh you will have cracked it.

[bmne90]

Put yourself in situations where you're 'powerful', i.e. clubs and activities you're good at. If a girl is in that environment you won't need to search for a thing to say because it's a common factor already.

 

Trying to force it oozes desperation which makes any conversation feel uncomfortable.

What if I'm not "powerful" in any one area haha? And also, if I find myself in a situation where I'm forcing a conversation with a girl, should I just let that one go, or keep trying down the road?

[bmne90]

It takes no time at all to become friends with girls.

 

If you are an Introvert/HSP personality type you need to read up and find out how you fit in with the World. Find out who you are and be you.

 

Read anything by Elaine Aron or Quiet by Susan Cain

 

The main thing is that you are being your authentic self, when you are this girls are a breeze to connect with.

 

You may have feelings of being wrong, this is normal with unaware HSP's, this maybe why you are using terms like 'desperate' and 'needy'.

 

If you were happy in your own skin you would not have the feeling of 'having to come up with things to say'

 

Once you tuned in to the girl's wavelength conversation/entertaining her would flow naturally.

 

Be authentic and no need to be afraid. Find out what music she's listening to, what comedians she likes, does she have any particular interests e.g. Norman castles in South west England.

 

Girls like to laugh, if you can be authentic and make them laugh you will have cracked it.

Nowty V, is it really true that it takes no time at all? Or are those girls the ones that you immediately connect with? If so, I can't connect with any girls, it seems. Since I have no experience whatsoever, I haven't the slightest clue how fast/slow to take things with girls.

 

You are right, perhaps I am not happy in my own skin...every time I'm alone, I feel super lonely and feel the need to be with friends, or just people in general. How can I change this? How can I be happy in my own skin without having to base my happiness on girls?

[TooRational]

Gotta boost your self esteem. That should be your priority. Once you feel more confident, everything else will fall into place.

 

I would recommend the book Models by Mark Manson. Lots of tips on how to improve yourself and thus improve your self-esteem.

 

One example is you might wanna start lifting weights. If you actually stick with a good program and get results, that will be a tremendous boost to your self-esteem. I used to see that kind of stuff as shallow. I don't anymore. I wanna be strong mentally AND physically. Gotta have both. Apart from looking better, having stronger muscles has other side benefits. You're less likely to get injured while helping your friend move for example and your overall health will benefit.

[PogoStick]

My male friends actually don't find anything wrong with me on the surface, and actually assume that I'm going on dates every night. However, they're not exactly "players" themselves, which makes it harder to seek advice from.

 

If they don't know your situation with girls then how are they much of friends at all? Sounds like a problem right there.

 

Also, it takes zero time to become friends with girls at a new school. If they sense you are cool and socially intelligent they would befriend you quickly and seek to learn more about you.

 

BTW are you talking about high school? I suggest you get into band, theater, or one of those performing arts that are filled with nerdy girls. They'll naturally accept and socialize with a guy like you.

[ZA Dater]

Put yourself in situations where you're 'powerful', i.e. clubs and activities you're good at. If a girl is in that environment you won't need to search for a thing to say because it's a common factor already.

 

Trying to force it oozes desperation which makes any conversation feel uncomfortable.

 

This is some really great advice!

 

 

I agree with this totally because places and groups where you are good at something feel confident are where you will really shine. If nothing else you will simply feel good in that sort of company.

 

 

At 25 I wouldn't worry too much but yes its quite hard not to come off as desperate.

[Wade Lamare]

So I'm a shy 25 year old male, currently in school working on my education still. Most people my age (or younger) seem to have already found success with women, or at least have had lots of experience.

 

However, I've never had a girlfriend/been in a relationship before, nor have I even had the opportunity to get friend-zoned yet lol. At school, I talk to girls in class, but nothing ever seems to transpire. I've offered to hangout, grab lunch, etc., but they never agree to it in the end.

 

My question is, what am I doing wrong? How do I even get a girlfriend; more importantly how do I even make friends with girls?

 

I was you many years ago and it all worked out fine for me in the end and I suspect it will for you.

 

I would suggest that unless you are a natural pick up type or very handsome starting a relationship in the classroom for shy, nerdy guys is going to be difficult.

Perhaps you need to get out more? Join a youth club of some sort, volunteer somewhere, perhaps if you meet girls outside of school you'll have more success.

Try not to seem desperate, keep it light and natural. I used to build my courage up for ages to ask girls out then be angry with myself because I didn't say it right and they turned me down. (again)

[palmsand]

I've actually only started attending this new school for exactly one month now. Maybe that's a big factor? If so, how long does it usually take to make friends that are girls?

 

And you asked several very good questions -- all of the girls that I talk to, I seem to have to "come up with things to say". Perhaps this is a result of not having many friends and social opportunities?

 

The other question -- I actually don't find the people I talk to stimulating, but because I don't have a lot of friends, those that I talk to seem interesting and stimulating enough, does that make sense haha?

 

In my experience, if a lot of friendships or a relationship were going to develop, that would happen fairly quickly when entering a new environment with new people. But, even just making one or two friends, guys even, can open the door to all kinds of opportunities down the road.

 

I had attended a community college for years and never really met girls, just made one or two guy friends. It felt pretty hopeless but I just transferred to a much larger university this fall and I already have more friends than I ever made the four years prior. I think meeting these people was a stroke of luck, (just happened to sit next to the right person, etc) but the odds were greatly improved by the setting.

 

I wonder if the classes you are taking are having an effect? Meeting people who are in the same major and are interested in the same material will give you lots to talk about, and opportunities to study together, etc. But sometimes you get those classes where nobody really wants to be there and so that route of connection is difficult.

 

I know what you mean about people being interesting and stimulating. That is sort of a per-requisite for me, otherwise it's just not fun to spend time with them. Unfortunately, I think the majority of people out there do not fit that criteria. It's just a matter of finding the minority that do.

[preraph]

You don't sound that shy because you say you talk to girls and ask them out. So maybe it's something else. Or maybe your shyness is making you awkward in the asking. But anyway, to find out what you are doing wrong, ask a good friend of either sex what you are doing in your approach that is sabotaging yourself. I mean, any good friend would know. Just tell them you want the truth. It will be obvious to them but you are probably blind to it. Maybe it's something physical, maybe it's that you're not well groomed or well dressed, maybe it's that your awkward and scared acting, maybe it's that you come off as insulting or abrasive or like you have a chip on your shoulder. Just ask a friend or two. If you don't have a friend or two, that's your answer. You aren't social and would have to work on that. You're at a good age to do that though, so I'm glad you are at least putting your neck out there.

 

Always remember that a rejection does not always reflect badly on you. Many times it's just personal situation or preferences of the woman. Maybe she is still holding out for a guy who resembles George Clooney. Maybe you remind her of her Uncle Harry who is creepy. Maybe she only likes jocks or musicians. Just saying don't take all rejections personally. We are all different. If you went to pick out a dog at the animal shelter, you'd have your preferences. So do women. And they change as we get older sometimes, so there's always hope.

[bmne90]

I was you many years ago and it all worked out fine for me in the end and I suspect it will for you.

 

I would suggest that unless you are a natural pick up type or very handsome starting a relationship in the classroom for shy, nerdy guys is going to be difficult.

Perhaps you need to get out more? Join a youth club of some sort, volunteer somewhere, perhaps if you meet girls outside of school you'll have more success.

Try not to seem desperate, keep it light and natural. I used to build my courage up for ages to ask girls out then be angry with myself because I didn't say it right and they turned me down. (again)

Thank you for your advice, I will look for ways to be more active overall. After all, the more I put myself out there, the more chances of success I will find. It's hard to not seem desperate with all this pent-up energy inside haha. How did you first get the courage to finally ask them out?

[bmne90]

In my experience, if a lot of friendships or a relationship were going to develop, that would happen fairly quickly when entering a new environment with new people. But, even just making one or two friends, guys even, can open the door to all kinds of opportunities down the road.

 

I had attended a community college for years and never really met girls, just made one or two guy friends. It felt pretty hopeless but I just transferred to a much larger university this fall and I already have more friends than I ever made the four years prior. I think meeting these people was a stroke of luck, (just happened to sit next to the right person, etc) but the odds were greatly improved by the setting.

 

I wonder if the classes you are taking are having an effect? Meeting people who are in the same major and are interested in the same material will give you lots to talk about, and opportunities to study together, etc. But sometimes you get those classes where nobody really wants to be there and so that route of connection is difficult.

 

I know what you mean about people being interesting and stimulating. That is sort of a per-requisite for me, otherwise it's just not fun to spend time with them. Unfortunately, I think the majority of people out there do not fit that criteria. It's just a matter of finding the minority that do.

I guess it's gonna take some time to find the minority then! And you're right, it's hard to build friendships in class where nobody wants to be.

[Wade Lamare]

Thank you for your advice, I will look for ways to be more active overall. After all, the more I put myself out there, the more chances of success I will find. It's hard to not seem desperate with all this pent-up energy inside haha. How did you first get the courage to finally ask them out?

 

In the end you just have to throw caution to the winds. So what if you get shot down, all that's happened is a girl has turned you down. Whoopdido.

 

There is a very old expression;

 

Faint heart never won fair lady.

 

As you say, put yourself out there. Don't force it, be natural. Join a club that covers an activity you like, if there is a particular sport you are good at or enjoy then do that.

 

A man with interests is an interesting man.

 

Don't join up with the aim of meeting a girl, aim to have fun first. Once you are having fun and not pushing the issue if a girl is interested she will let you know.

 

Top tip, if you think there is a chance she is interested she probably is.

 

Don't be afraid to fail, fear is the enemy. If a girl turns you down don't spend the next two months bemoaning your luck, rejection is part of the 'game'.

[babylonsfire]

Do more? Do you like bowling? Join a bowling league. Do you like to run? Start running in more public places, or on common trails. Do you like to walk? Get a membership to a local state park or gardens. Put yourself in situations you'll run into women more often.

 

If you like sports games, don't watch them at home; find out which locations in town are playing them and watch them there. If you like news channels, you can find similar. Even if its just for a short time every day.

 

There's dinner clubs, food tours, comedy show passes, and as long as you don't mind approaching groups of women (as they very rarely tend to be alone at a lot of these events), it can be an excellent source to meet new people.

 

Several "intellectual" activities have meetups or events in town, for business, science, programming. There's volunteer organizations like the lions club you could join, or the elks lodge. Getting involved in local politics. Spend time at your local GOP or DNC office, sit in on some town committee meetings, there's places to meet people.

 

There's also a lot of places to read/study, you could start studying at local coffee shops and cafe's; instead of home. You could study at different local libraries, a park, or the beach.

 

All in all, if what you're doing now isn't working, do something else. Just because you're talking to girls (a good first step) doesn't mean its working either. If you're not getting dates, or even moving on to friends with them, somethings not clicking. Maybe you're more interested in school/classes than they are, maybe the ones in your school/classes are already taken, maybe you're just not their type, it could be any of the above. Go somewhere else where it might work.

 

For an intellectual brain, a lot of it is math; if you appeal to 1/100 ladies (and it might be more or less depending on various conditions), and you're currently only bumping into 200 a day; then only 2 of them are going to instantly respond back with a high level of interest. If those 2, are not on the list of the ones that appeal to you, or that you'd talk to; and chances are one of them is already in a relationship; that means you have 1 person, that you must be interested in, must bump into that particular day, that will respond back with interest.

 

If you do that every day of the week, the same thing, that's 1 girl a week, a month, a semester realistically. If you're even attracted and not picky about your girls at all, and interested in 1/20, it's going to take you 20 semesters, or 10 years to find the right one.

 

Now meet 200 different girls every day...that number a week you're getting exposed to, just went from 1 person a semester, to 1 person a week, that's 52 girls a year, if you're interest is still 1/20, you're going to meet 2 girls this year, and 26 over the next 10 years.

Edited October 17, 2016 by babylonsfire

[FTM042014]

Being shy or quiet or nervous doesn't have to be a dead end with women. Women like confidence. Accept who you are. Value yourself for who you are and most importantly be self aware. Throw caution to the wind and say I am who I am and that's okay. That attitude exudes a quiet confidence. Use your strengths. What are they?