Our argument style are opposites

[Kuchi2]

Boyfriend and I are almost 11 months in. When we aren't arguing, everything is perfect. We work together in our personal lives. He goes above and beyond to make me happy. We text each other all day while we are at work. We see each other almost daily (we do not live together). He is affectionate and loving and I love him very much.

 

The problem arises when we have any type of argument/disagreements. We are literal opposites on how to argue or fix anything. I am HOT. I like to fix it right now and lets lock each other in a room and go at it until we find out what's wrong and come to a conclusion. He is COLD. He runs. He shuts down and doesn't want to talk. And when I try to talk and push him to work it out with me right there and then, he becomes harsh (with words, never physical, just to make it clear lol). He is passive-aggressive. He will say things he doesn't mean, because he doesn't want to talk things out when I do and gets upset, which makes him just spit words out of anger.

 

I know some will say give him his space or whatever, but I become very anxious and emotional if things aren't fixed. It's like kind of how he gets when I push him to talk when I want to, he gets emotional, but I'm the opposite; I become anxious and more hurt the more we wait to fix things. I don't like to go to bed mad, sad, hurt, etc. I don't sleep at all. Nothing can make me lose sleep except an emotional issue. I like to fix things, be on the same page, then let's keep living life. He likes to just dust it off and hope it goes away and the less back and forth it involves, the better.

 

Whenever we argue when we can't come to an agreement (and let me add most times it's very petty stuff, but it's all boils down to how we like to argue and fix issues), we just don't talk at all for a few hours to a day (yes I know, doesn't seem much). And I hate when it does. I feel lost, I feel lonely, it doesn't feel right. I guess what bothers me also is that I'm usually (if not all the time) am the one going to him and talking until he opens up, then things go back to normal.. but it all falls on me to get us there.

 

Maybe I'm just venting, but maybe I'm reaching out to see what anyone advises or what kind of communication techniques we can practice to better our (petty) arguments.

[basil67]

I could be wrong, but the way your post comes across, it sounds like you have no intention of changing your argument style because you'd find it too stressful. Is this an accurate assessment?

 

Anyway, I too like to fix things but sometimes it's really better to just cool off and sleep on it before addressing the problem. Often after you've cooled down, you will find that the thing doesn't even need to be talked about because it's so damn petty.

 

Anyway, who raises most of the issues? And how does the initial conversation sound? Is one of you placing blame and putting the other on the defensive.

[Redhead14]

Boyfriend and I are almost 11 months in. When we aren't arguing, everything is perfect. We work together in our personal lives. He goes above and beyond to make me happy. We text each other all day while we are at work. We see each other almost daily (we do not live together). He is affectionate and loving and I love him very much.

 

The problem arises when we have any type of argument/disagreements. We are literal opposites on how to argue or fix anything. I am HOT. I like to fix it right now and lets lock each other in a room and go at it until we find out what's wrong and come to a conclusion. He is COLD. He runs. He shuts down and doesn't want to talk. And when I try to talk and push him to work it out with me right there and then, he becomes harsh (with words, never physical, just to make it clear lol). He is passive-aggressive. He will say things he doesn't mean, because he doesn't want to talk things out when I do and gets upset, which makes him just spit words out of anger.

 

I know some will say give him his space or whatever, but I become very anxious and emotional if things aren't fixed. It's like kind of how he gets when I push him to talk when I want to, he gets emotional, but I'm the opposite; I become anxious and more hurt the more we wait to fix things. I don't like to go to bed mad, sad, hurt, etc. I don't sleep at all. Nothing can make me lose sleep except an emotional issue. I like to fix things, be on the same page, then let's keep living life. He likes to just dust it off and hope it goes away and the less back and forth it involves, the better.

 

Whenever we argue when we can't come to an agreement (and let me add most times it's very petty stuff, but it's all boils down to how we like to argue and fix issues), we just don't talk at all for a few hours to a day (yes I know, doesn't seem much). And I hate when it does. I feel lost, I feel lonely, it doesn't feel right. I guess what bothers me also is that I'm usually (if not all the time) am the one going to him and talking until he opens up, then things go back to normal.. but it all falls on me to get us there.

 

Maybe I'm just venting, but maybe I'm reaching out to see what anyone advises or what kind of communication techniques we can practice to better our (petty) arguments.

 

The healthy way to deal with/manage an argument that is getting heated, is to step back and agree to coming back to the "table" at a certain time with calmer heads and focused on the issue at hand each bringing possible solutions. One of you needs to say "hey, this is getting out of hand and we can't solve this while we are so angry. Can we come back to this later today or tomorrow and spend that time thinking clearly about possible solutions and then make a compromise if necessary?"

 

There are people who argue with the sole intent of being right and winning instead of actually listening and weighing options and giving respect to the partner for whatever ideas/solutions they have for the issue. It is important to deal with issues when they arise and come to a mutual resolution and both parties need to accept that resolution and leave it in the past.

 

Most people start dragging up unresolved issues that have nothing to do with the immediate issue and they end up dealing with nothing effectively. They have a rats nest which is frustrating.

 

And, the OP needs to really think hard about how she is dealing with her anger when a situation gets frustrating. Most people start pointing out that the partner became verbally abusive,etc. when in fact, they themselves have done it as well. They forget what their contribution to the situation is . . . "you never do X" for me" which puts the partner on the defensive. Frame issues in a more positive light and suggest a solution.

 

Conflict resolution skills are important in a relationship. There isn't anything wrong with having a conversation sometime about that so that you can get on the same page in the future.