Piddle Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) I recently met a pretty nice guy a while back. He's seriously good looking, kind, attentive, sporty, smart the list goes on. We have mutual friends so he's not a complete stranger and I've heard of him for years. We got to know each other and it's pretty clear he really likes me. Our mutual friends and even his friends have all said that they have not seen him act like this to a girl since his college girlfriend, who he proposed to but who cheated on him. There's something about him that is giving me the creeps though. Through my friends I had heard of his reputation for years, this guy sleeps around. A lot. He was totaly faithful to his college girlfriend (I know from my friends) and then he started sleeping around again after she left him and this was years ago. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. We're talking at least a couple of girls a week, probably more. I don't know what his number is, but I think it's got to be seriously over 300 I don't want to think about it but I would not be surprised if it's getting close to 500 or even over when I think about it. I'm clearly 'different' to him whatever that means, he treats me in a completely different way to anybody, get's insanely irritated when I talk about anyone he thinks I may be interested in dating, and is clearly waiting for me to give him the green light. His friends have strongly hinted that he is looking to settle down and I'm just the kind of girl he has been looking for. The reason I am not giving the green signal, is because if I'm honest, his sexual history makes my skin crawl. I know he is still hooking up with girls while he is waiting for me to be like 'ok, let's do this'. I would not sleep with him for a while and I am pretty confident once we started dating he would stop sleeping around and wait for me to be ready and not put pressure on me but I am still pretty revolted that he likes me so much, but can still sleep with girls. I mean what is he thinking when he is with them? Clearly not about me. Or if he is thinking about me that would be even grosser. I just don't know what to do. Should somebody's past number be a deal breaker? I just don't know how to stop my skin crawling everytime I think about how many women he has slept with. Edited October 13, 2016 by Piddle
mortensorchid Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) I will address this from several points of view. Firstly, how old are you both? Because based on the little that you have said about him, it sounds like he is going through that early/mid twenties breaking out of your shell phase. I went through that as well, and that includes promiscuity. On top of that, he sounded like what triggered him was the most dangerous of triggers (which I went through first hand) - being abused / rejected / hurt by others and lashing out in anger. I was hitting the clubs until the wee hours, hitting the bottle and hitting the sack. I outgrew it, but not before I had put a lot of notches on my belt in the process and learned a lot within this process. Second, as I asked before, how old are you both? Because if neither one of you is of that age, if he is [a promiscuous man] who is too old to be behaving like this but is anyway, don't bother with him. I know a few guys (and girls) who behave like this all the time and they are all over forty. And FYI, those guys and girls who are over forty who are acting like this are also trying to party with the twenty year olds because those their age want nothing to do with them, and they are attempting to hold onto their "lost youth" by being with someone younger and they are seen as immature. Numbers, third. Has he REALLY been with an amount of women into the triple digits? Or is that just talk? I've been with a lot. Not that many, but a lot. Guys that is. If it's true, then ... Reconsider being with him because you're going to be another notch on his belt. If you're okay with that, you're okay with that. If you want to have a relationship. look elsewhere. Edited October 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
pteromom Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 You are within your rights to decide whether someone's values match up with yours. I mean maybe he can have casual sex and then commit without cheating. Lots of people can. But if his life choices "make your skin crawl", that's not a really good emotional reaction to start a relationship with. There is a huge difference between judging someone as a human being, and judging them as a relationship prospect. You have a DUTY to make sure his values are compatible with yours. And if they aren't, you can keep him as a friend and just not go there at all. 1
Buddhist Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Well, if you're 'revolted' and your skin crawls' then it's doubtful you can ever love this guy. You probably won't even be able to have sex with him and feel good about it. No-one's genitals actually wear out from use. I think the bigger issue here is you have some kind of subconscious belief that in order for you to be special to someone they have to be not be having a lot of sex. A healthy sex life is part and parcel of any reasonably attractive person. You seem to have a hang up about this. So I would say you two are not a match on that level and it's a dealbreaker given the way you think about it.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I suppose anything is possible....but... 1. His past affects and you and you have EVERY right to judge him based on that. This is especially true considering it is YOUR emotions, health that is in stake. If you ignore the past, you risk being a victim of it... 2. Provided the escapades are true, THE BEST PREDICTOR OF ONE'S FUTURE IS ONE'S PAST...and it seems his present. 3. Provided what you believe is true, he has not stopped sleeping around and just because HIS friends say you are the type of girl he is looking for is hardly confirmation of his feelings for you 4. The odds are, provided the above three are anywhere within the vicinity of the truth, that you will only prove to be one of his hundreds....are there that many foolish girls in your town/city?
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) Why are you questioning or trying to work around a situation and person who's past makes you physically and emotionally ill? What you described is a visceral reaction to a part of who this man is. That will never go away if you fall in love with him and get involved. This will always play a part in how you see him and what your expectations are of him. He clearly doesn't meet your expectations of what you consider a viable candidate for relationship. I would say, stop fighting it and let him know you can and will only be friends with him. This reminds me of a Charlie Sheen type of man, sure they can bite the bullet and settle down for a while and become a family man to that ideal woman but his innate yearning for that [] lifestyle will always be a part of him. That would be my take anyway. Edited October 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Poutrew Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 You have a way to test him: Be upfront with him and tell him you are creeped out by a man who put his penis into over 300 - 500 vaginas. That's a lot of sex and a lot of potential STDs for you to overcome. Tell him you know he is hooking up with women even as you are speaking with him, which doesn't give you any confidence in his ability to be faithful to only a single woman for the rest of both your lives. Carefully think on what he says to this. If he gets angry, or hostile, or even if his reaction makes you feel creeped out, walk away. If he says good things, tell him that you might get with him, but since some STDs take between 2 - 5 years to manifest, getting tested doesn't really tell you anything. Tell him that If you see him, there will be no sex or anything beyond kissing for at least 2 years. This should be long enough to determine if he is incubating anything nasty. IF he is, you walk. If he cheats, you walk. IF he doesn't like the conditions, then he can walk. If he can keep his pants on for 2 years, it means he really wants you and you might have a future with him. I am a guy, and I have used this particular test 4 times. All four gals failed it. One walked away. One cheated. Two had latent diseases that manifested before the time limit, one being very nasty - parasitical cysts (think Monsters Inside Me)...
lightfoot Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) Seriously? This guy's slept with 300 girls and you think he's going to settle down for you? Where is your sense? What's wrong with you? []Do you not get that there's not one chance in a million that you're still going to be his girlfriend a year, or even a few months from now? And do you think those 300 girls were all swingers? What do you think he told them, how do you think he got them in bed? The same way he's working on you! A man who can get women that effortlessly IS NEVER going to stop playing the game. Why should he? [] Edited October 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redundant and personalized content redacted. 1
LD1990 Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 You have a way to test him: Be upfront with him and tell him you are creeped out by a man who put his penis into over 300 - 500 vaginas. That's a lot of sex and a lot of potential STDs for you to overcome. Tell him you know he is hooking up with women even as you are speaking with him, which doesn't give you any confidence in his ability to be faithful to only a single woman for the rest of both your lives. Carefully think on what he says to this. If he gets angry, or hostile, or even if his reaction makes you feel creeped out, walk away. If he says good things, tell him that you might get with him, but since some STDs take between 2 - 5 years to manifest, getting tested doesn't really tell you anything. Tell him that If you see him, there will be no sex or anything beyond kissing for at least 2 years. This should be long enough to determine if he is incubating anything nasty. IF he is, you walk. If he cheats, you walk. IF he doesn't like the conditions, then he can walk. If he can keep his pants on for 2 years, it means he really wants you and you might have a future with him. I am a guy, and I have used this particular test 4 times. All four gals failed it. One walked away. One cheated. Two had latent diseases that manifested before the time limit, one being very nasty - parasitical cysts (think Monsters Inside Me)... Two years? Come on, of course everyone "failed" that test, that's nuts. That's a ridiculous hoop for someone to jump through and for what, the honor of dating you? There's no way you can ever have a healthy relationship if you start it off by positioning yourself as a prize the other person has to win with good behavior. Especially considering all the most common STDs have incubation periods far shorter than two years. This guy sounds like someone who is faithful while in a relationship, but nails as many women as possible while single. Newsflash people: that describes a whole lot of guys, some are just better at it than others. 1
lightfoot Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 How could any man who slept with 300 women ever be faithful? He'd have to meet Cleopatra or Helen of Troy herself to tie himself down to one woman. The fact that OP is even considering taking this guy seriously means he's already playing her like a kazoo. 1
eightytwenty Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Yes always judge the past. One thing he did correctly was be faithful to the girl. If I see anything other than that, he's at least not cheating butthead. The whole screwing around with that many girls.. Dayum... My brothers best friend is like this. Screws around with anything that moves until he finds the right one. Every time he goes through a breakup he does this screw anything that moves. I see him as emotional insecure, needy, and kind of a douche.. That might not how it is with your friend. My best friend of 10 years, she went through guys quicker than underwear but every time she found something she liked she would stop. She fell in love and she was faithful to the end. Any mistakes or break ups she would go find some strange. That was her way of coping. She passed away 3 years ago January. My bf right now was in a frat house for 4 years. 2 of which he had a crazy girlfriend. She cheat, he cheat, she cheat, he cheat etc. And when they broke up he did say he went through some girls, a lot of girls. I think to prove to his ex he could get whatever and I think because it is what frat hoguys do. When I met him he was still letting his ex (a different one) stay over so he could get some strange. I you have to look at the persons pattern to sort of figure out what they'll do. Is it the worry hell cheat that makes you insecure? Is it really the std's? Are you worried that youll be wasting time if it doesnt work out? I rather judge him how he was like with a girlfriend than without. Lots of great guys do this, lots of jerks do also.
fenix Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I recently met a pretty nice guy a while back. He's seriously good looking, kind, attentive, sporty, smart the list goes on. We have mutual friends so he's not a complete stranger and I've heard of him for years. We got to know each other and it's pretty clear he really likes me. Our mutual friends and even his friends have all said that they have not seen him act like this to a girl since his college girlfriend, who he proposed to but who cheated on him. There's something about him that is giving me the creeps though. Through my friends I had heard of his reputation for years, this guy sleeps around. A lot. He was totaly faithful to his college girlfriend (I know from my friends) and then he started sleeping around again after she left him and this was years ago. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. We're talking at least a couple of girls a week, probably more. I don't know what his number is, but I think it's got to be seriously over 300 I don't want to think about it but I would not be surprised if it's getting close to 500 or even over when I think about it. I'm clearly 'different' to him whatever that means, he treats me in a completely different way to anybody, get's insanely irritated when I talk about anyone he thinks I may be interested in dating, and is clearly waiting for me to give him the green light. His friends have strongly hinted that he is looking to settle down and I'm just the kind of girl he has been looking for. The reason I am not giving the green signal, is because if I'm honest, his sexual history makes my skin crawl. I know he is still hooking up with girls while he is waiting for me to be like 'ok, let's do this'. I would not sleep with him for a while and I am pretty confident once we started dating he would stop sleeping around and wait for me to be ready and not put pressure on me but I am still pretty revolted that he likes me so much, but can still sleep with girls. I mean what is he thinking when he is with them? Clearly not about me. Or if he is thinking about me that would be even grosser. I just don't know what to do. Should somebody's past number be a deal breaker? I just don't know how to stop my skin crawling everytime I think about how many women he has slept with. Let this guy be, he doesn't need a judgmental person to hurt him again. What he has done with his sexual life before you is not your problem. He is not in a committed relationship with you (not because he doesn't want but because you haven't gave him that choice) so why would he need to act like he was committed to you? Don't worry about him, he will get someone who will measure for who he is and not for the amount of women he has slept with.... He deserve better, just let him be.
fenix Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 How could any man who slept with 300 women ever be faithful? He'd have to meet Cleopatra or Helen of Troy herself to tie himself down to one woman. The fact that OP is even considering taking this guy seriously means he's already playing her like a kazoo. ????? Really??? the amount of people you have slept with has nothing to do with your loyalty/faithfulness .... I slept easily with more than 200 girls in my time and I have never cheated on my wife nor I have felt inclined to do it... 1
Tribble Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I think the past should be left in the past unless it affects you in the present or will affect you in the future. So that would mean full STD screening, diligent use of condoms etc. Having said that, you say he is still sleeping around now. That would bother me a lot. You also say he gets insanely irritated when you mention anyone he thinks you might be interested in. That smacks of double standards. It's OK for him to get his jollies while you're not committed, but not you. The other question I have here is, has he approached you and asked you out? You say his friends say he is interested, but has HE expressed HIS interest? What is this green light he is waiting for? You asking him out? Are you sure HE is interested in a relationship rather than a lay? Or are his friends trying to find someone to make him settle down and be happy with? I truly believe someone who sleeps around can be faithful. Being faithful is a choice and has little to do with the number of people you have slept with. That he has demonstrated he is capable of being faithful in the past is great. But why are you putting yourself through this? Why would you even consider someone who creeps you out and makes your skin crawl??
Omei Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I would have issues believing how sincere he would be about a relationship and I'd have a hard time believing he would settle down or not get bored later on. I would prob walk away as I wouldn't wanna waste time and find someone with less history that's just me. When guys ask me about mine I just say it's best to keep that to ourselves.
Miss Peach Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I've been on dates with guys who are questioning of my sexual past. It's not even that bad (mostly LTRs) but a lot of people would judge it. I can't control if they do. You have every right to question it but just because sex may have more meaning to you doesn't mean sex WITH you won't have meaning to him. If this is the only thing holding you back but he seems like a compatible guy in other ways, I would seriously consider giving it a try but date him with no sex as long as it was just ONS types of things and not cheating. You'll have to watch his behavior with you (and the others) over time to see how serious he is. Everyone has some sort of past so IMO it's not fair to hold stuff like this completely against people unless it's a deal breaker to you.
PaperCrane Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I don't hold it against them as a person. People seem to think that when someone rejects them because of the past, that it's a rejection of them as a person. It's not. It's that the current person (which includes their past) doesn't fit in with what you're looking for in a partner. Would I be hesitant dating a girl with 300 partners? Yup, I wouldn't even consider it. The risk of disease is too high. We obviously see sex in a different way, and the way I see it has far more emotion involved. I may sound prudish but even 20, or 10 seems very high to me, but that's because of how I view sex, and someone else in a relationship scenario needs to have similar values on that. There's also other factors too such as if the number is 4, which is pretty low, but if those four happened in one month, it once again shows incompatibility with me personally. So, TL;DR, I do not judge the person, however I judge their relationship potential with me.
Cinnamonstix Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 This is not past behaviour, it is present behaviour. It grosses you out. This clearly indicates you have very different views on sex and intimacy. Unless he is in a band or something where chicks just fall into his bed after shows, this also shows that his free time is concentrated on pulling in chicks. All of the above spells incompatibility. And if it grosses you out now, it will likely bother you even more once you have strong feelings. FWIW, the only guys I know who slept with hundreds of women also had no problem sleeping with hookers and getting hand jobs at massage parlours. They were also not faithful. Their way of coping with stress / issues in their relationship was to get their ego fed by banging chicks. They were very narcissistic. Not saying this is the case for everyone who sleeps around, just in my experience. I'd also like to point out that him getting annoyed with you talking about other guys while he is out sleeping with other girls is quite the double standard.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 A woman who sleeps around is not sexually compatible with me. I am conservative and she is liberal, so it just won't work. That's not to say she isn't worthy of love, respect and a happy relationship but me and her can never be happy together. However I must be realistic. Round pegs do not fit into a square holes.
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