Boyfriend isn't sure about commitment.

[headintheoven]

A bit of background: I'm 26F from UK. I'm renting a flat with my partner (25M). We have been together for almost 4 years. It started long-distance (3hrs by car) and we moved in together after about 1 year. We started renting a flat in his hometown and after 1 year, we moved to my hometown and started renting there. I have a long-term chronic health condition which means I can't work. I get disability benefits from the government. My partner receives carer's allowance.

 

After 4 years, I want us to think about marriage and children. I have started researching IVF treatment, so I don't pass on my hereditary health condition to any children. I've talked with my partner about having children. He says he isn't ready yet. I have been meeting with my doctor to find out about starting fertility treatment.

 

We have had ongoing arguments for about a year regarding division of household chores. My partner wanted to get a bigger dog (but I wanted a smaller dog) but now we have one, he doesn't walk it as often as he should (I can't walk the dog due to my disability). When we moved back to my hometown, my partner gave up his job and isn't looking for a new one. He spends a lot of the day playing on the computer (from when he wakes up until dinner time). My mum is worried and has told me what she thinks: she thinks he's lazy and doesn't do enough around the house or take the dog out enough. He thinks my mum is interfering. We sometimes argue as I complain that he doesn't do enough household chores (I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning). He thinks I nag him a lot. After we argue, he makes an effort for a couple of days and then it goes back to how it was.

 

I want to plan for the future and hopefully get engaged. I'm a little hurt as he wants to get a new £1000 gaming PC and it makes me feel like commitment isn't a priority to him. I know money is hard to come by for us as we have a small budget after bills. I'd rather it be spent on something for the both of us. I'm making an effort to save more money as I'm trying to prioritise. He says we shouldn't waste money but he says he wants a top-of-the-range PC.

 

Do you think I am wasting my time in this relationship? How can I encourage him to do more around the house without it turning into an argument? thanks for your advice.

[basil67]

Your mother is right. And it's making my head spin that you're thinking of having babies with this boy-man. If he can't be bothered working, doing his share of domestics or walking the dog, what makes you think he'd be a decent father?

 

He is right that he's not ready for fatherhood. I don't know if he'll ever get his act together, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for it.

 

Time to leave. I bet your mother will gladly have you back if it means you're out of this.

[JewelD]

I think you are hoping he's going to turn into the person you want him to be and it's not going to happen. If he said he didn't want children yet, why are you looking into fertility treatments? You can't even get him to walk the dog so you definitely don't need to be having kids with him right now even if he did want them.

 

There's a possibility he's using you for your disability income. That would explain why he wants a lot of material things but doesn't particularly want to go to work.

 

It's been 4 years. Dump him.

[thecrucible]

Obviously I'm not sure of the specifics of the OP's situation but I know about the benefits system and carer's allowance. A family member is knowledgeable on this as she assists clients. It can be that the disability benefit + carer's allowance can end up contributing to an income which is far greater than what a job at minimum wage can provide in addition to disability benefit. So it could be that they have a better income in their current situation than if he went out and got a job. I mean this could have something to do with it? Really tricky situation though.

[Redhead14]

A bit of background: I'm 26F from UK. I'm renting a flat with my partner (25M). We have been together for almost 4 years. It started long-distance (3hrs by car) and we moved in together after about 1 year. We started renting a flat in his hometown and after 1 year, we moved to my hometown and started renting there. I have a long-term chronic health condition which means I can't work. I get disability benefits from the government. My partner receives carer's allowance.

 

After 4 years, I want us to think about marriage and children. I have started researching IVF treatment, so I don't pass on my hereditary health condition to any children. I've talked with my partner about having children. He says he isn't ready yet. I have been meeting with my doctor to find out about starting fertility treatment.

 

We have had ongoing arguments for about a year regarding division of household chores. My partner wanted to get a bigger dog (but I wanted a smaller dog) but now we have one, he doesn't walk it as often as he should (I can't walk the dog due to my disability). When we moved back to my hometown, my partner gave up his job and isn't looking for a new one. He spends a lot of the day playing on the computer (from when he wakes up until dinner time). My mum is worried and has told me what she thinks: she thinks he's lazy and doesn't do enough around the house or take the dog out enough. He thinks my mum is interfering. We sometimes argue as I complain that he doesn't do enough household chores (I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning). He thinks I nag him a lot. After we argue, he makes an effort for a couple of days and then it goes back to how it was.

 

I want to plan for the future and hopefully get engaged. I'm a little hurt as he wants to get a new £1000 gaming PC and it makes me feel like commitment isn't a priority to him. I know money is hard to come by for us as we have a small budget after bills. I'd rather it be spent on something for the both of us. I'm making an effort to save more money as I'm trying to prioritise. He says we shouldn't waste money but he says he wants a top-of-the-range PC.

 

Do you think I am wasting my time in this relationship? How can I encourage him to do more around the house without it turning into an argument? thanks for your advice.

 

Yes, you are wasting your time. This "relationship" is completely and totally dysfunctional and his priorities are certainly not aligned with yours.

 

This is not a man that I would want as a role model for my children. And, if he cannot take care of a dog, how will he take care of children?

 

My partner receives carer's allowance - I don't wish to be hurtful, but I'd have to wonder if this isn't a big part of the reason he's still around. He sounds to be very selfish so this, IMO, would not be outside of his thought process. He may just be a parasite.

 

He thinks I nag him a lot. - You can fix that . . . throw him out.

[headintheoven]

My partner receives carer's allowance - I don't wish to be hurtful, but I'd have to wonder if this isn't a big part of the reason he's still around. He sounds to be very selfish so this, IMO, would not be outside of his thought process. He may just be a parasite.

 

I discussed the situation of the carer's allowance with him and the new PC. He says that he hasn't seen anything of the money we get through benefits - a lot has gone on household expenses and I have run up a bit of a debt buying furniture from catalogues (there's only a few hundred left of it now though). He says if he got a new PC it would be something he really likes and he can say that it's his. He says he has nothing here since he moved up from his hometown and hasn't seen anything of his carer's allowance. He says it's a point of principle.

 

He also said that if he wanted an easy life, he would go back to live with his parents rent free. He says he'd want the PC before getting engaged as he wants to make sure he's marrying someone where he will get what he wants from time to time. He says he wants to spend his life with me and knows what he is getting into with my health problems. He wants to be engaged when we are not arguing but he says we need more trust between us.

 

Thanks everyone for all of your help so far.

[Mr. Lucky]

He also said that if he wanted an easy life, he would go back to live with his parents rent free.

 

Boy is he setting a low personal bar. You want to marry and have kids with someone who thinks this way?

 

He says he'd want the PC before getting engaged as he wants to make sure he's marrying someone where he will get what he wants from time to time.

 

Passive/aggressive extortion, don't fall for it.

 

How would the two of you cover the cost of IVF? How would you support a family with the unpredictable resulting expenses?

 

In the journey you have planned, he's more baggage than co-pilot...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeveCakes]

Does he take care of you? Because taking care of someone is a huge responsibility, so if he is doing that then I can see why he might not be able to help with the house as much etc.

 

If he doesnt then...definitely dont have a child with this man. If he cant walk the dog hes not going to help with the baby. Are you capable of caring for a child with your condition alone?

[Redhead14]

I discussed the situation of the carer's allowance with him and the new PC. He says that he hasn't seen anything of the money we get through benefits - a lot has gone on household expenses and I have run up a bit of a debt buying furniture from catalogues (there's only a few hundred left of it now though). He says if he got a new PC it would be something he really likes and he can say that it's his. He says he has nothing here since he moved up from his hometown and hasn't seen anything of his carer's allowance. He says it's a point of principle.

 

He also said that if he wanted an easy life, he would go back to live with his parents rent free. He says he'd want the PC before getting engaged as he wants to make sure he's marrying someone where he will get what he wants from time to time. He says he wants to spend his life with me and knows what he is getting into with my health problems. He wants to be engaged when we are not arguing but he says we need more trust between us.

 

Thanks everyone for all of your help so far.

 

He says he'd want the PC before getting engaged as he wants to make sure he's marrying someone where he will get what he wants from time to time. -- What a load of crap. He's holding engagement as ransom for a computer!!!!! That's bull**** to a spectacular degree!!!!!

 

a lot has gone on household expenses -- Well, that is HIS share of those expenses. He lives there too.

 

This situation is a complete and utter train wreck and so is he.

[Gloria25]

I discussed the situation of the carer's allowance with him and the new PC. He says that he hasn't seen anything of the money we get through benefits - a lot has gone on household expenses and I have run up a bit of a debt buying furniture from catalogues (there's only a few hundred left of it now though). He says if he got a new PC it would be something he really likes and he can say that it's his. He says he has nothing here since he moved up from his hometown and hasn't seen anything of his carer's allowance. He says it's a point of principle.

 

He also said that if he wanted an easy life, he would go back to live with his parents rent free. He says he'd want the PC before getting engaged as he wants to make sure he's marrying someone where he will get what he wants from time to time. He says he wants to spend his life with me and knows what he is getting into with my health problems. He wants to be engaged when we are not arguing but he says we need more trust between us.

 

Thanks everyone for all of your help so far.

 

I see a lot of talk and no action. So far you're going in debt and he can talk, talk, talk, but where's the action?

 

You know, I was listening to the radio the other nite. Dj asked girl why she was driving an hr out of the city. She said cuz her bf DIDN'T LIKE to drive to her place. The dj was like 'maybe your bf should come and visit you sometimes'...and all she did was giggle like an idiot.

 

Geesh I wish I was a man now a days cuz women just need you to have a penis and a pulse and they'll provide you with money, sex, shelter.

 

This is the awkward flip side of the women's movement. On one hand, of the men that give you some/half of their paycheck, sperm, and part-time babysitting - you are to deny them sex, nurturing, care....yet, of the lazy jerks who can't even pay for their own car, home, and/or ring to marry you - give them sex, money and shelter/food. Esther way we have a case of beta males, cuz no "man" with any self worth would have a woman foot the bill for him, and the day she tried to turn him into a wallet/sperm donor/babysitter, he'd tell her to take a walk.

 

There was a time, you know, back in the old fashioned, ancient and misguided times...that men couldn't even ask a woman on a date if he didn't have his stuff together. Her dad may even break out a shotgun and tell him to get lost. But now a days, where in certain areas women have free choices and are not oppressed by the Taliban, it's heroes like the OP's bf that can actually land a gf and/or wife. Go figure...

 

BTW, why shouldn't he move in with his parents when things are easy where he is now? He has sex, companionship, someone paying the bills/buying furniture, disability payments.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[headintheoven]

How would the two of you cover the cost of IVF? How would you support a family with the unpredictable resulting expenses?

 

We qualify for two rounds of IVF on the NHS. We have to try IVF as my health condition has a 50/50 of getting passed on to any baby I have. My health condition is very bad. It impacts significantly on my quality of my life and has to be monitored by regular appointments with a specialist. I wouldn't want any child I have to get the same condition I have and go through treatments such as chemotherapy.

[headintheoven]

Does he take care of you? Because taking care of someone is a huge responsibility, so if he is doing that then I can see why he might not be able to help with the house as much etc.

 

I'm not very mobile and one of the symptoms of my health condition is that I am blind in one eye and partially sighted in the other (I get my eyesight monitored). the reason for my sight loss is because of a tumour on my optic nerve. I need help going out and doing things like shopping or attending appointments because of my vision. My partner is getting driving lessons and when he passes he can take me to my hospital appointments. I can get severe pain from time to time and I take medication for this.

 

Are you capable of caring for a child with your condition alone?

 

I was brought up by my grandparents who fostered children and I helped them with this. Me and my partner look after my 5 year old cousin sometimes. If the worst happened and I had a baby on my own, I would be able to cope with a bit of help from family.

[headintheoven]

I see a lot of talk and no action. So far you're going in debt and he can talk, talk, talk, but where's the action?

 

I'm making regular repayments and it will be paid off before Christmas and the accounts will be closed. It's only a small amount and I haven't been overdue with payments or had to borrow any money to pay it off. I have just been budgeting to pass a little amount each month.

[Gloria25]

You know, I don't plan to have a kid...

 

But if I did, I would move heaven and earth to bring that child into the world with a nest. Children don't ask to be brought into this world. They aren't to be born to satisfy a desire of the parent.

 

I know of children, close to me, who were born to mothers who knew they had illneses. One mother is dead. I have to watch her children mourn not having her from when they were barely toddlers. Two, even inherited her illness and struggle with daily life. Cuz she died, most of their childhood was spent between abusive relatives and their bum of a father didn't want them either. Another child of a different mom? Everytime she has to go to the hospital cuz her mom didn't take precaution to not get knocked up with a guy who was healthy, I am filled with sadness and rage at her mom's carelessness.

 

Food for thought.

[Gloria25]

I'm making regular repayments and it will be paid off before Christmas and the accounts will be closed. It's only a small amount and I haven't been overdue with payments or had to borrow any money to pay it off. I have just been budgeting to pass a little amount each month.

 

I meant action from him. Can't he pay for the furniture?

[Redhead14]

I'm not very mobile and one of the symptoms of my health condition is that I am blind in one eye and partially sighted in the other (I get my eyesight monitored). the reason for my sight loss is because of a tumour on my optic nerve. I need help going out and doing things like shopping or attending appointments because of my vision. My partner is getting driving lessons and when he passes he can take me to my hospital appointments. I can get severe pain from time to time and I take medication for this.

 

 

 

I was brought up by my grandparents who fostered children and I helped them with this. Me and my partner look after my 5 year old cousin sometimes. If the worst happened and I had a baby on my own, I would be able to cope with a bit of help from family.

 

Well, if he is biologically sound and disease free, he would make a suitable sperm donor only . . .

 

Personally, I think you should be by yourself for a while to really explore your abilities to manage on your own before you add a child to the mix. Imagining and idealizing life with a child under your circumstances and doing it alone is going to be entirely different than that picture you have in your mind, I will guarantee that. Women who do not have the obstacles you are describing find raising children to be a challenge at times and when you experience similar challenges, your's will be amplified.

 

I think you need to look at the very big, long-term picture with eyes-wide open and that could only happen if you were away from him and for some time.

 

You've been "test driving" this man for 4 years. What you have now, is what you will have for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

[headintheoven]

I meant action from him. Can't he pay for the furniture?

 

He's not working as he's on the carer's allowance and would lose the allowance if he worked. The money we both get through benefits goes into the one account which is mine, and bills get paid from that first. We sometimes disagree over how to spend any money we have left over after bills. After that account is paid off we'll have a bit money in the month to do things like going out for meals together and spending time with each other outside of the flat. At the moment, we can't afford that.

[Satu]

Long question, short answer:

 

 

He's lazy.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

He's not working as he's on the carer's allowance and would lose the allowance if he worked. The money we both get through benefits goes into the one account which is mine, and bills get paid from that first. We sometimes disagree over how to spend any money we have left over after bills. After that account is paid off we'll have a bit money in the month to do things like going out for meals together and spending time with each other outside of the flat. At the moment, we can't afford that.

 

He's not working as he's on the carer's allowance and would lose the allowance if he worked Unless he's completely without skills and/or work ethic, I doubt that the care giver allowance would be more than he can earn. And, if the allowance is really more than he can earn, he's HAS to be a parasite.

 

And, god forbid, your condition takes you out of the picture, to be delicate, all of those benefits will go away. How will he take care of those children? What will his job prospects look like after years and years of not being employed and living off the government?

[basil67]

He's not working as he's on the carer's allowance and would lose the allowance if he worked. The money we both get through benefits goes into the one account which is mine, and bills get paid from that first. We sometimes disagree over how to spend any money we have left over after bills. After that account is paid off we'll have a bit money in the month to do things like going out for meals together and spending time with each other outside of the flat. At the moment, we can't afford that.

 

Slightly different, but I'm a carer to our disabled son. I'd get a lot more carer's allowance if my husband didn't work. But the carer's allowance I'd get isn't a drop in the ocean compared to what my husband's actual salary is.

 

Living on disability and a carer's allowance would place the two of you at poverty level, yes? It would be a terrible mistake to bring a child into poverty.

 

Headintheoven, you seem to be not wanting to hear the opinions on your partner. Are you hoping he will magically change? Or are you not prepared to leave?

[Mr. Lucky]

I was brought up by my grandparents who fostered children and I helped them with this. Me and my partner look after my 5 year old cousin sometimes. If the worst happened and I had a baby on my own, I would be able to cope with a bit of help from family.

 

headintheoven, I admire your spirit, you bring a lot of courage to the table.

 

Please bring an equal amount of common sense.

 

You'll need someone as brave and committed as you to make this happen.

 

He doesn't sound like the guy ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

Me and my partner look after my 5 year old cousin sometimes -- Try doing that by yourself once in a while . . . send the BF on errands, like grocery shopping or OUT TO LOOK FOR A JOB.

[Leigh 87]

He's not working as he's on the carer's allowance and would lose the allowance if he worked. The money we both get through benefits goes into the one account which is mine, and bills get paid from that first. We sometimes disagree over how to spend any money we have left over after bills. After that account is paid off we'll have a bit money in the month to do things like going out for meals together and spending time with each other outside of the flat. At the moment, we can't afford that.

 

Man you are being selfish.

 

So you cannot afford date nights when you have a small and simple debt yet you think you can afford a CHILD??

 

Single mums with Professional jobs can barely afford kids.

 

A professional couple both with medium incomes can provide the lifestyle a child deserves. ****e happens, kids can need braces.. What if you dog gets sick? You will have to allow it to die since you cannot afford 1000s on vet bills?

 

I am sorry you are disabled. But that doesn't mean you should breed just because YOU want to. What kind of a life would you be able to provide a child?

 

I personally feel that it is a bit selfish to bring a child into the world when you clearly would struggle immensely with finances for the rest if you lives.

 

I would love my partners child but since he is the only one working (a good job too ATM) and his job is not yet permanent until he passed rigorous tests --- The poor baby would potentially have two unemployed parents (I am a med student)

 

It is sooooo not ethical to just pop out children because you FEEL like it!

 

You need at least a partner who can earn am AVERAGE wage to compensate for your low income.

 

Bringing up a family on ONE average wage would not be pleasant a lot of the time as it stands; having government benefits AND a partner who has a low income, is a recipe for a life of food stamps, not affording school excursions, not being able to take the child on even local or domestic vacations ... It is important children see the world around them even on a national scale.

 

Please use your head and not your heart; your prospective child deserves more than what you have to offer right now.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Leigh 87

[spiderowl]

You are quite young and so is he. I doubt he is ready for the responsibility (commitment is slightly different). You are thinking commitment and babies; he is thinking computer games. If you want commitment, maybe you need another guy.

 

But, there are some background factors to think about. His role as he might see it would be to earn money to keep a child. He cannot see you doing that to support him, so to him it is a big responsibility, so it is not surprising he is shutting it out for the moment. Also, he knows you may be less inclined to give up on him, because you have health problems, so he can relax for a while and forget about taking on more. If you talk commitment, he can feel even more sure that you are not going to run off to someone else.

 

In summary, he thinks you'll stick with him for the forseeable future so why should he grow up? The question is, will he grow up one day? Have you ever seen him rise to the challenge of responsibility and caring for others? If not, think twice about taking things any further with him. If you have and you love him and he loves you, then I think he's just resting on his laurels, safe in the knowledge you will hang around for him. If that bothers you, then you can either leave him or change what you are doing sufficiently that he starts to wonder if he needs to step up and offer you something.

 

Instead of talking to the IVF doctor, find other pasttimes, get out and about away from him. Let him think you might just be losing interest in investing in him. Do less housework and leave him to sort out some responsible things. Spend more time with friends; don't mention babies or marriage. He will notice and wonder what's up.

 

If you still don't see any moves for him to change his level of commitment to you, then I would seriously consider leaving him. Bringing up children is very, very tough. It is much worse when your partner was never committed to you or them in the first place.

Edited October 15, 2016 by spiderowl