sweet-pea Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) I met a nice man in 2012 and we went on 5 dates. He has a handsome face, he's interesting and we had a lot in common. However I couldn't get past his weight issue. Just to give you an idea, he's 5'10 and was maybe 260lbs. Don't give me a hard time. Attraction, whether it's physical, intellectual or otherwise, it is a factor that can't be denied. I hoped I could get past it and I just could not, so I moved on. I am no super model by any means and I accept I am not everyone's cup of tea either, so that's all fair in the scheme of things. It is what it is. Fast fwd to the end of July this year. I just got out of a LTR and I run into this guy. He has lost the weight and I barely recognized him. He invited me to lunch and we caught up. I shared with him that I wasn't ready to date but we've spending time together and things are progressing very slowly. I have been aware that he's dating others and that's fine. I can tell his interest is growing and mine could be as well. I am considering moving forward and I can tell he is too. As it turns out he lost the weight in a drastic way, using injections and living on 500 calories a day. In the past two mo's he has admitted to putting on 17 lbs. Every time I see him, which is once or twice a week I can tell he is gaining weight quickly. I am at a cross roads whether I want to cross the line with him or not. I hate that I am hung up on the weight but it's effects my level of attraction. I can tell he wants to get back on track but it needs to be life style (he does try to watch what he eats and exercises) but I am afraid of crossing this line and ultimately leaving if the weight continues to build. As of this moment he's fine just the way he is. I might guess he's 215 at this time? Probably 195 in July. I ran away once, I don't want to leave again. I feel I would owe him an explanation but at the same time can't imagine saying those words. He just celebrated a birthday so he admits to overindulging and wanting to get back on track. Considering his history it's a gamble at this time. What would you do? Edited October 13, 2016 by sweet-pea
JewelD Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Stop seeing him. The issue isn't his weight, it's your level of attraction to him. People's weight fluctuates and anyone who loses a ton of weight will probably struggle with their diet and exercise routine at some point. But the same thing could happen with any guy you date. Nobody's guaranteed to look the way you like for the entire time you're dating. If you really truly liked him, it probably wouldn't matter that he gained a little weight back. You're anticipating him gaining it all back and that's a deal breaker for you. However, it's a very realistic possibility. I think you should either accept him and the ups and downs of his weight loss journey or move on. You don't need to tell him why, that'd just be a little cruel and insulting. 1
ChickiePops Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 First, 500 calories a day is dangerous and it is unsustainable so he was bound to put some pounds back on. Second, you need to dump him. He's going to put weight back on. If you're going to worry about it and count every pound he puts back on then you shouldn't be with him. Not to mention the fact that he will eventually notice that you're not attracted and he will feel awful about himself, which will make him put on more weight. I'm not criticizing you at all by the way. You are absolutely entitled to be not be attracted to overweight men. Attraction is relative and you shouldn't settle for someone you're not attracted to.
Author sweet-pea Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 uuhg. . I was afraid of these responses. I don't want to sound defensive but I am honestly not 'counting' his lbs. I just put numbers down to give a clear picture of what's going on. HE talks about his weight constantly. But he could turn this around. . I don't know. I don't know what to do. . I guess the next couple times I see him will give me my answer. . . the thought makes me sad.
JewelD Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 uuhg. . I was afraid of these responses. I don't want to sound defensive but I am honestly not 'counting' his lbs. I just put numbers down to give a clear picture of what's going on. HE talks about his weight constantly. But he could turn this around. . I don't know. I don't know what to do. . I guess the next couple times I see him will give me my answer. . . the thought makes me sad. Which is why you should just break up with him and stop leading him on. What will you do if he keeps the weight off for the next year or so but then gains it all back? If you know you're not going to be attracted to him with the weight on him then why bother going down that road?
Buddhist Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Considering the fact that he lost the weight with a completely unsustainable lifestyle program odds are on he will gain all of it back and probably some more too. If by getting back on track he means injecting himself with speed and eating barely enough to sustain a small child I don't think his weight loss will ever be a longterm thing. Not to mention the damage he is doing to his body by practising this kind of dysfunctional habit. He's not one to live a long life if he keeps going in this direction. I would be wary on health factors alone. 2
Author sweet-pea Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 Which is why you should just break up with him and stop leading him on. What will you do if he keeps the weight off for the next year or so but then gains it all back? If you know you're not going to be attracted to him with the weight on him then why bother going down that road? Well. .first off, I am not leading him on. It's only been in the past few days that I realized his appearance was changing. We've spent the past two months getting to know each other and enjoying a friendship, so it's just not quite that cut and dry. I think it would be different if someone has a weight challenge if you've been a relationship of long duration and there is that foundation and investment going for the two of you. It's a little more of a challenge starting off this way. Most of all I just want to do the right thing here.
Author sweet-pea Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 Considering the fact that he lost the weight with a completely unsustainable lifestyle program odds are on he will gain all of it back and probably some more too. If by getting back on track he means injecting himself with speed and eating barely enough to sustain a small child I don't think his weight loss will ever be a longterm thing. Not to mention the damage he is doing to his body by practising this kind of dysfunctional habit. He's not one to live a long life if he keeps going in this direction. I would be wary on health factors alone. I agree. It needs to be lifestyle change. Not a quick fix
JewelD Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Well. .first off, I am not leading him on. It's only been in the past few days that I realized his appearance was changing. We've spent the past two months getting to know each other and enjoying a friendship, so it's just not quite that cut and dry. I think it would be different if someone has a weight challenge if you've been a relationship of long duration and there is that foundation and investment going for the two of you. It's a little more of a challenge starting off this way. Most of all I just want to do the right thing here. Which is why you should leave him alone now. You don't like the possibility that he's going to gain the weight back and he probably will. And you most certainly are leading him on because your conditions on dating him are unrealistic given his situation. He's probably not going to be able to keep all the weight off and you're not going to date him with all of the weight on. The only other option here is to date him until he gains the weight and then dump him. Which would be pointless and a waste of his time and yours.
RecentChange Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Honesty it's like an addict in recovery. Will the recovery last? Who knows, but being as he went about it in an unhealthy unsustainable way, unlikely. He has a problem with food, and hasn't figured out how to manage it properly. You aren't attracted to him when his addiction isn't managed. If he was a coke head that recently received extreme treatment, and now only binges on coke occasionally - would you consider a relationship with them? Look, I have struggled with my weight, and it's a daily life style thing to keep the weight off - until he finds a healthy routine I do not think he is relationship material for you.
preraph Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 He'll probably regain the weight. It's very hard not to because you get tired of starvation and every increasing exercise to maintain it. I say if you know you can't handle it, let him down early and don't reconnect.
Author sweet-pea Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 He'll probably regain the weight. It's very hard not to because you get tired of starvation and every increasing exercise to maintain it. I say if you know you can't handle it, let him down early and don't reconnect. He's no longer doing the injection/500 drill. I don't know exactly when he stopped (before July) but it got him the result he wanted and now it appears he's struggling to keep it. He has been eating well when I see him. I have been out to eat with him where he orders a salad of some sort with no dressing at times. When we first started talking he was walking 4 miles on the beach most days and on his treadmill on other days. So he does know what to do. It just seems he is falling backwards as of late. I took him to dinner for his birthday last night and he had protein and veg's only. At the same time I am not his keeper. (nor do I want to be) I don't know what he does in the meantime.
ChickiePops Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Sweet-Pea, bottom line. If he gains all the weight back, are you still going to be attracted to him?
Author sweet-pea Posted October 14, 2016 Author Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) Sweet-Pea, bottom line. If he gains all the weight back, are you still going to be attracted to him? If am afraid not. But here's where I am struggling. I've dated (and married) gorgeous men that I had that attraction to. My last bf was an Adonis, but jealous and controlling. ;( My choices in men have not been very good. Some pretty bad. This guy has all the qualities I would want in a man and he is handsome. Not to mention we've had the luxury of time to develop a friendship first. I know there is a lesson here and I am trying to figure out what it is. Edited October 14, 2016 by sweet-pea
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