Am I being unreasonable?

[ChickiePops]

Hell no you're not being unreasonable.

 

She slept for 20-some-odd years before she met you..she will survive you being a room away a couple of times a week and crashing with your friends once a month.

 

I don't live with my guy at the moment but when I do stay over, I almost always go to bed before him. Sometimes he comes and cuddles for a bit (or other stuff..hehe) and then goes back to the living room, which I think this is a good compromise, or sometimes we kiss goodnight in the living room and I go to bed on my own. Guess what? I'm alive! And I still love him!

[Fluxcapacitor]

Hm ....you're reacting kinda butthurt to an internet stranger giving you a 'nice' version of a critique you actually asked for ....(doesn't offend me, just saying). If that's typical of how you respond to her concerns, I can kinda more see her side and think maybe this relationship isn't for you, sorry.

 

I get your need for you time and I admire that you communicated that to her, but at some point you have to put away the video games and put on your dad vest and get w the program - at least if you want to play a role in the life of a woman who apparently needs and values that kind of stability.

 

I am sorry, but you sound like one of those "video games aren't for grown ups" people and probably despise them. Look, that's an opinion and entirely subjective. You're entitled to that opinion, but I respectfully disagree. I function just fine as a "grown up" and know when to prioritize certain things in my life....all while playing video games.

 

And I'm not sure where you think I was reacting butt hurt to you directly? All I was saying is if my girlfriend was having me "audition", then threatening I change certain things about who I am isn't the right way to go about it.

[basil67]

You know how she knew these things about you before moving in? Well, believing that we can accept something is often very different the reality of the thing.

 

I remember dating a guy who loved to spend each night working on his cars. He asked if I'd be OK with that. Because I was wearing rose coloured glasses and was infatuated, I was sure I'd be OK. I even thought I'd go and sit with him in the garage. Let's just say that reality was somewhat different.

 

Back to you...

 

Your girlfriend probably wants quality time with you. And as someone else who loves quality time, I would find the number of nights you spend away unacceptable. This isn't to say that you're wrong. Or that she's wrong. But at this point, you're incompatible.

 

That said, I think it's reasonable to expect her to be able to go to sleep without you. But given who she is, I think you're asking to much if you want her to be OK going to bed without you on a regular basis.

[katiegrl]

 

I get your need for you time and I admire that you communicated that to her, but at some point you have to put away the video games and put on your dad vest and get w the program - at least if you want to play a role in the life of a woman who apparently needs and values that kind of stability.

 

jen, you know I always respect your opinion... but I don't get your comment re "put on your dad vest."

There is no talk of children (that I am aware of).... they're living together, not married.

 

Not that couples don't have kids while living together, just sayin.

 

This has nothing to do with him being a dad, at least not yet... unless I missed something.

[Dis]

You are not being unreasonable,

 

However...

 

You know as well as I do that relationships are not only a lot of work, but also do entail compromise at some points.

 

I understand your anxiety issues. I myself am a major sufferer so I know that feeling of being cooped up.

 

So let me ask you, has she offer any compromise or is she steadfast in her demands?

 

Reason I ask is that she may be acting like this due to some trust issues she had in earlier relationships. So while it is not uncommon for someone to project those insecurities, has anything different happened recently that wouldl giver her reason to suspect you have an ulterior motive for wanting alone time? It could be something that seems minor to you, but major to her. Has your communication always been thsi strained between you two?

 

IMO she's auditioning your potential to be a 'grown up.' It's not about the video games or your friends, it's about you being able to prioritize her going forward. (Nesting instinct and all that - she wants to build a home and a life w someone she sees as dependable.)

 

Another case of cohabitation spoiling everything, haha.

 

Hi flux

 

I cant relate to your gfs behavior...I acted in a similar way with my ex but for reasons you havent mentioned and hopefully are not present in your relationship

 

I was with my ex for 2.5 years...he was cheating on me the whole time. In the back of my mind I knew what he was doing... but wouldnt allow myself to consciously admit it. I acted needy/clingy/angry....I wanted my ex to go to bed with me when I wanted to go to bed...I wanted him to get off his video games...I wanted him to xyz.

 

In hindsight my irrational and unfair demands were caused by the fact that I did not in anyway trust him...I was grasping at straws...trying to find a reason to believe in "us"

 

Now in the present day, I would never make such demands...I dont think they're fair and certaintly not conducive to a healthy relationship

 

I think your gf's behavior (as jen mentioned) might have deeper roots than you might think. I am not saying your cheating on your gf....I'm saying sometimes when we (women) complain about little things, it means theres something BIG we're not happy about

 

Pls know I'm not accusing you of anything...just giving you a different perspective...maybe sit down with her and talk...figure out whether there IS an actual problem or if you're just not compatible...if theres no other problems besides her being unnecessarily clingy than maybe you two just need to part ways

 

Best of luck!

[jen1447]

I am sorry, but you sound like one of those "video games aren't for grown ups" people and probably despise them. Look, that's an opinion and entirely subjective. You're entitled to that opinion, but I respectfully disagree. I function just fine as a "grown up" and know when to prioritize certain things in my life....all while playing video games.

 

And I'm not sure where you think I was reacting butt hurt to you directly? All I was saying is if my girlfriend was having me "audition", then threatening I change certain things about who I am isn't the right way to go about it.

 

Well I mean you sound kinda militant in your reaction (angry, using histrionics and ultimatums like "threatening" and "horrible" and "not good enough"), which is generally a sign of defensiveness, which is generally a sign of inability to field criticism properly, which is generally a sign of immaturity. Hence my suspicion about her suspicions about you. Take it fwiw.

 

I don't care about video games or any other hobbies btw, as long as they occupy an appropriate proportion of a person's time if they're in a committed relationship.

 

"put on your dad vest."

 

e.g be an adult et al.

[eightytwenty]

I hated my bf's Xbox... we've gotten way better after talks. When he worked 12pm-8pm he would stay out in the living room till 2 playing. I finally had enough and told him to move the game at least in the room and hang out with me till I passed out which was like 10.. His hours changed to 5am to 3pm. He plays a couple hours every night. I go ride my horses and go to barrel races some nights. He likes to be at home playing his game and watching our 7 month old.

 

I got clingy but I also knew he needed his time to do whatever. Moving the game to the room and setting aside time to talk cuddle and be together ( baby goes to sleep at 7) was what I needed. He compromised and so did I... Our son and I can sleep through anything now

[joseb]

OP is your sex life good? I'm just wondering if her getting pissed about you not coming to bed with her might be to do with less nookie?

 

Also, given that you now live together, have you two talked about long term plans (kids, marriage)?

[Omei]

I would not back down from my time apart you cannot spend ever single night together for the rest of her lives.

 

She's being unreasonably needy yes, she slept without you just fine before she moved in.

 

Hold your ground. Don't let her make your place a prison you must keep your days.

[BluEyeL]

I am actually of a different opinion. It seems to me that playing videogames at all hours and spending overnights with friends is a lifestyle of a bachelor in his 20s. If you two moved in together she probably sees it as a step towards becoming a family and you changing your habits from the ones of a young immature bachelor to a family man, potential future father of her children.

 

I do not know a lot of married men who go out and spend overnights hanging out with friends, in their 30s. That's kids behavior. You can't expect your life as a family to be the same as when you were single and just dating. If you want "just dating" you should do just that and move out.

 

I think she wants a family and you're very far from that. Probably should break up.

 

I do think, from my point of view, you are being unreasonable, in this situation but not intentionally, but because you're not on the same page about what a man over 30 who lives in a common law situation should behave like. You're just not ready and if you expect to maintain this lifestyle in your 40s and beyond that will be even more weird.

[Fluxcapacitor]

OP is your sex life good? I'm just wondering if her getting pissed about you not coming to bed with her might be to do with less nookie?

 

Also, given that you now live together, have you two talked about long term plans (kids, marriage)?

 

Sex life is actually the best we both have ever had. We have sex on average 4 times a week. Nights we don't are usually when one or both of us are too tired from work/school.

 

We are both divorcees and marriage really isn't part of our vocabulary at the moment. Kids are on he table, but we both agree when the time is right...she still has at least 2 years of schooling to get though.

[Fluxcapacitor]

I am actually of a different opinion. It seems to me that playing videogames at all hours and spending overnights with friends is a lifestyle of a bachelor in his 20s. If you two moved in together she probably sees it as a step towards becoming a family and you changing your habits from the ones of a young immature bachelor to a family man, potential future father of her children.

 

I do not know a lot of married men who go out and spend overnights hanging out with friends, in their 30s. That's kids behavior. You can't expect your life as a family to be the same as when you were single and just dating. If you want "just dating" you should do just that and move out.

 

I think she wants a family and you're very far from that. Probably should break up.

 

I do think, from my point of view, you are being unreasonable, in this situation but not intentionally, but because you're not on the same page about what a man over 30 who lives in a common law situation should behave like. You're just not ready and if you expect to maintain this lifestyle in your 40s and beyond that will be even more weird.

 

 

Video games are not at "all hours". It's literally once or twice a week. And it's not the video games or even the amount of time that's really the issue here. It's simply she doesn't think couples should spend nights apart or not sleep together every night at the same time. I even asked her directly once, what if I had a hobby that required travel and staying away, like backpacking, or fishing trips. And her response was basically she didn't like that and didn't know if she could be with someone who stayed away like that, and that it only makes sense if it was work related.

 

If we had a family I can easily change my habits, and would. If we had kids the only "overnights" I would have with friends would be something like a camping trip once or twice a year. But we don't have kids. I see no reason for the time being I can't enjoy these few things.

[PaperCrane]

From what I gather:

Her definition of a exclusive relationship involves bedtime habits. These habits are; go to bed at the same time together, unless absolutely direly necessary that you can't. Like a medical emergency. That isn't 'unreasonable' since that's her own needs level and reasonable is a pretty subjective term.

 

Your needs don't 100% fall in line with what she wants in a relationship. So either there is a compromise, or the needs of each party goes unfulfilled.

 

Saying that, if I were personally in your situation, I would find it unreasonable that I could not have the personal time that I needed, because I do. I'm an introvert so I understand what it means to have to get away for a bit.

 

I'm kind of feeling that her needs in this area are more a symptom of something close to insecurity. She did move in with you right? Perhaps she feels scared because she's giving up so much of her independent power by moving in with you and your routine habit gives her comfort.

[Kellens]

I'm actually a bit like your girlfriend with having to go to sleep with my partner every night. He lives with me during the week and goes to his parents almost every weekend because that is when he has his daughter, so we have 2 nights a week separate. It's not all about being controlling, I am a troubled sleeper and I can't go to sleep when there's noise or if the light is flashing from the television. This has been brought up by my boyfriend a few times when we're arguing but it's not a serious problem with us, at least I don't think so!

 

I do want to sleep with my boyfriend every night, that's part of it, but I also need my sleep, I wake up early for work and I can get really cranky if we're up too late but I do compromise at times. He was working a 3-11pm shift for over a month during the Summer and I couldn't expect him to go to bed at like 12, he just got home. I didn't sleep well at all during this time though, I couldn't get used to it, but I tried my best. He has mentioned staying up later playing his video game a few times, he only plays a couple of times a week like you, and I have gotten irritated but I've never "forbidden" him to play, although I did give a face

 

If he was up late on a weekend night, I wouldn't care, I would stay up late too doing my own thing, but when I have to work, it's a different story.

I agree with Jen1447, if my boyfriend wanted to stay up late a few nights a week playing video games, I would start to think that we weren't compatible but I don't know if it would be a deal breaker for me. Also, going away with your buddies once a month would bother me a little bit, it does seem like a guy in his 20's kind of thing (I'm 36) but if this was a usual thing for you and I knew that going in to the relationship, I don't think I would say anything, I would think it was an insecurity that I would need to get over.

[kendahke]

We are both divorcees and marriage really isn't part of our vocabulary at the moment.

 

keep it that way

 

Kids are on he table, but we both agree when the time is right...she still has at least 2 years of schooling to get though.

 

No. Take kids completely off the table--in fact, take a future with her off the table. You're getting a taste now of 1. why she's divorced and 2. what your life will be like as you careen towards being ex#2.

 

Sorry, I have nothing like validation for your train wreck of a relationship. Good sex cannot mask incompatibility--get out before it ends up costing you half.

[joseb]

My gut feeling is that you two are not really compatible.

Initially I had a little sympathy for her as I know of at least one marriage wrecked by gaming. But it doesn't sound like it's that. She just expects you 24/7.

I know couples who need to be attached at the hip all the time. And love it

Me it would drive me nuts.

And if someone told me they couldn't handle me being away one night a month, I'd know that they were not a good match.

 

What made you guys decide to move in together?