Am I being unreasonable?

[Fluxcapacitor]

It seems this forum has a lot of females which is good because I really want your perspective!

 

Quick history: I am a 32 year old male, and my girlfriend is 31. We have been together for a little over a year now. We moved in together about 3 months ago. During our time dating and not living together we always had a schedule in which we would spend some time apart. Wed/Fri/Sun evenings I would have to myself to either play video games, hang out with friends, watch football, or just unwind. I am an introvert with only a few close friends. I like to have time to myself and "guy time". Also about once a month, I have couple friends that live over an hour away, that I would either have come up to my place to hang out and stay the night, or I would go down there and crash for the night. We typically stay up late, hang out drink some beers, and play video games or go see a movie.

 

So my girlfriend was of course aware of all this before moving in. I made it a point to express these are needs of mine. As an introvert I get anxiety or start to feel trapped if I don't have that time to myself or with friends.

 

Fast forward to now and her tone has changed. She is in school and I work full time, both mon-fri. We both go to bed the same night together on school/work nights. I have no problem with this. If shes doing homework I may play video games with a headset on for a couple hours a day or two during the week. However I like to have more time than that, which is why I am a night own during the weekend, so I like to have Friday evenings specifically to stay up late playing and unwind after the week.

 

She has now made it clear she hates going to bed alone...even if its just once a week. She says she gets anxiety when I am not there and can't sleep. She also does not want me to visit my friends and crash there. Even though when I do that I give up my Friday evening to spend with her cause I go down there on Saturdays. This is only once a month tops. She claims no normal couple does these things and you should go to bed at the same time every night together.

 

She is having none of it anymore though. Basically is telling me I need to modify my schedule and find different times to play games so I am home to go to bed with her and we go to bed at the same time. She also is having trust issues and made comments like "I don't know what your "really doing" in the other room when I'm asleep".

 

Part of me is just utterly confused because this was all known before moving in and now her attitude is completely different. When you break all this down, it's really just 12 days a year away from each other and 48 nights staying up after she goes to bed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking to much?

[Zahara]

She sounds needy/clingy and insecure and/or possibly manipulative. She's a grown woman who can go to sleep on her own. She doesn't need you to be there to babysit her to bed. She went to bed perfectly fine when she was living alone? It's nice to have your partner go to bed with you but making it a steadfast rule that you absolutely have to obey is ridicilous.

 

And if she can't trust you, then she shouldn't be in a relationship with you. I have to wonder that as you invest more time in this relationship, she may start to get more controlling. Soon enough, you'll have all these rules that revolve around what she wants and how she wants it.

 

Stand your ground and state your boundaries. Compromise is good -- not when one is having full control over the other.

[selinaluv]

My ex husband used to unwind playing video games and even though we went to bed together plenty of nights, there were also nights he stayed up later playing.

 

I knew he loved it and it was a way for him to unwind. He often played with a group of guy friends and my theory was "at least he is home and I know what he is doing."

 

The red flags for me was when he stopped playing and started wanting more time to go out.

 

She needs to understand this and give you your space. You both need to discuss this and set your boundaries before this becomes an even more serious issue.

[RecentChange]

No, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

 

Like you, I need a lot of “me time” to do my own thing, be by myself etc.

 

While my husband is the social butterfly and would be happy out socializing with our large group of friends 5 nights a week.

 

So – we meet in the middle. I have my horse, and spend a good 10+ hours a week out riding or doing chores out at the stable (this is my unwinding like your gamming). He goes out with his friends one night a week, often returning home after I have gone to bed. We generally go out together on weekends, but even then, I may head off to do “horse stuff” and he may leave for a day or two with his buddies.

 

Last night he went to a concert with friends, I went and rode my horse.

 

Being attached at the hip doesn’t work for everyone. The fact that my husband and I have our own hobbies, interest, and are totally comfortable spending time apart I think has contributed to our longevity (celebrating 15 years this month).

 

Now, my husband did go through a phase where he was consistently staying up later – and I’ll admit, I didn’t like going to bed by myself every night. I feel like it affects our level of intimacy, and I spoke up about it.

 

Once or twice a week? No biggie. Surely she was able to sleep before you moved in together right?

[five2nine]

It's not unreasonable. Maybe she's not okay with it now because she feels the r/s is more serious and she has expectations of how things should be.

 

You can talk with her and ask what would make her feel better. How can you both compromise and get your free time with friends but also how can she feel more secure with you the rest of the time...

 

Perhaps including her in most of the friend time is the answer. Does she have other reasons to not trust you? Are the friends female and is she a jealous person in that way? You said "couple friends" so are these actual couples? Maybe she doesn't feel included and wants to be. Or is she suspicious of porn and hates porn.

 

Ask

[Bialy]

I'm the total opposite of your girlfriend. I was involved with someone who had a friend who liked to crash over his place and play video games until very late. Then the guy would sleep in the extra bedroom.

 

I LOVED that. For one, I knew he was home and safe - not out drinking. Secondly, it was only occasionally. Maybe one weekend. a month. No big deal.

 

She's being unreasonable.

[Fluxcapacitor]

Once or twice a week? No biggie. Surely she was able to sleep before you moved in together right?

 

That's the thing, she seemed fine being able to sleep before we moved in. Well...she does have trouble sleeping in general and is a light sleeper regardless if she is with someone.

 

It's not unreasonable. Maybe she's not okay with it now because she feels the r/s is more serious and she has expectations of how things should be.

 

You can talk with her and ask what would make her feel better. How can you both compromise and get your free time with friends but also how can she feel more secure with you the rest of the time...

 

Perhaps including her in most of the friend time is the answer. Does she have other reasons to not trust you? Are the friends female and is she a jealous person in that way? You said "couple friends" so are these actual couples? Maybe she doesn't feel included and wants to be. Or is she suspicious of porn and hates porn.

 

Ask

 

They are just two guys friends that live in the same town about an hour 20min drive from me. She has met them both and likes them.

 

See, if they were to live 15-20min or less away in the same town I would just come home late at night after I knew I could drive. But being over an hour away makes it a pain.

[Redhead14]

It seems this forum has a lot of females which is good because I really want your perspective!

 

Quick history: I am a 32 year old male, and my girlfriend is 31. We have been together for a little over a year now. We moved in together about 3 months ago. During our time dating and not living together we always had a schedule in which we would spend some time apart. Wed/Fri/Sun evenings I would have to myself to either play video games, hang out with friends, watch football, or just unwind. I am an introvert with only a few close friends. I like to have time to myself and "guy time". Also about once a month, I have couple friends that live over an hour away, that I would either have come up to my place to hang out and stay the night, or I would go down there and crash for the night. We typically stay up late, hang out drink some beers, and play video games or go see a movie.

 

So my girlfriend was of course aware of all this before moving in. I made it a point to express these are needs of mine. As an introvert I get anxiety or start to feel trapped if I don't have that time to myself or with friends.

 

Fast forward to now and her tone has changed. She is in school and I work full time, both mon-fri. We both go to bed the same night together on school/work nights. I have no problem with this. If shes doing homework I may play video games with a headset on for a couple hours a day or two during the week. However I like to have more time than that, which is why I am a night own during the weekend, so I like to have Friday evenings specifically to stay up late playing and unwind after the week.

 

She has now made it clear she hates going to bed alone...even if its just once a week. She says she gets anxiety when I am not there and can't sleep. She also does not want me to visit my friends and crash there. Even though when I do that I give up my Friday evening to spend with her cause I go down there on Saturdays. This is only once a month tops. She claims no normal couple does these things and you should go to bed at the same time every night together.

 

She is having none of it anymore though. Basically is telling me I need to modify my schedule and find different times to play games so I am home to go to bed with her and we go to bed at the same time. She also is having trust issues and made comments like "I don't know what your "really doing" in the other room when I'm asleep".

 

Part of me is just utterly confused because this was all known before moving in and now her attitude is completely different. When you break all this down, it's really just 12 days a year away from each other and 48 nights staying up after she goes to bed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking to much?

 

She has an unrealistic view of what "normal" is . . . and I think she "heard" you when you told her what your lifestyle preferences were, probably wasn't too thrilled with it at the time but agreed just to get to the move in thinking things could/should/would change.

 

I also think she's got some internal insecurity projection going on. A grown woman should be able to sleep alone now and again without being anxious and wondering what you're doing in the other room -- that's odd thinking to me.

[kendahke]

What is she going to do if you don't modify your schedule? Move out? Sounds like that would be a good idea all around here.

 

No. That's not normal. That's suffocating.

 

She said one thing to get into your place and now that she's there, she's switched her position and wants to glue you to her side. I would suggest that she move back out and into her place. This is incompatibility if she went along with your schedule under false pretenses to get into your place and is now saying something different.

 

It seems to me you are more than accommodating. You should not have to give up what you need for your own mental happiness to assuage someone for their silliness. If she has a problem falling asleep without you in the bed, then she needs to take some Simply Sleep.

[kendahke]

Basically is telling me I need to modify my schedule and find different times to play games so I am home to go to bed with her and we go to bed at the same time. She also is having trust issues and made comments like "I don't know what your "really doing" in the other room when I'm asleep".

 

She needs to move back into her own place.

 

She's made a value judgement against your esteem and character based on nothing except her manipulation of you to get her way. You need to look long and hard at this because it's not going to get any better.

[Space Ritual]

You are not being unreasonable,

 

However...

 

You know as well as I do that relationships are not only a lot of work, but also do entail compromise at some points.

 

I understand your anxiety issues. I myself am a major sufferer so I know that feeling of being cooped up.

 

So let me ask you, has she offer any compromise or is she steadfast in her demands?

 

Reason I ask is that she may be acting like this due to some trust issues she had in earlier relationships. So while it is not uncommon for someone to project those insecurities, has anything different happened recently that wouldl giver her reason to suspect you have an ulterior motive for wanting alone time? It could be something that seems minor to you, but major to her. Has your communication always been thsi strained between you two?

[Fluxcapacitor]

You are not being unreasonable,

 

However...

 

You know as well as I do that relationships are not only a lot of work, but also do entail compromise at some points.

 

I understand your anxiety issues. I myself am a major sufferer so I know that feeling of being cooped up.

 

So let me ask you, has she offer any compromise or is she steadfast in her demands?

 

Reason I ask is that she may be acting like this due to some trust issues she had in earlier relationships. So while it is not uncommon for someone to project those insecurities, has anything different happened recently that wouldl giver her reason to suspect you have an ulterior motive for wanting alone time? It could be something that seems minor to you, but major to her. Has your communication always been thsi strained between you two?

 

Her compromise is I play games during the day and visit my friends during the day, essentially coming home in the evening. So basically she is steadfast in her demands.

 

I don't feel our communication has been strained in the past. Especially in regards to our needs we want from a partner. We have both been married before. So going through a divorce myself I knew it was imperative to make my needs known before getting to serious with someone.

[smackie9]

You are not being unrealistic, but neither is she. It's called compromise. You both need to sit down and work out something you both can live with, and is fair. Change is going to happen through your relationship no matter how many times you say "She knew this before moving in. There will be times you both will have to adjust things to make the other happy.....just the way it is.

 

The discussions will be continuous......

[Fluxcapacitor]

You are not being unrealistic, but neither is she. It's called compromise. You both need to sit down and work out something you both can live with, and is fair. Change is going to happen through your relationship no matter how many times you say "She knew this before moving in. There will be times you both will have to adjust things to make the other happy.....just the way it is.

 

The discussions will be continuous......

 

Yeah I understand this, but when is compromises your individual happiness just to please the other person, isn't that going to far?

[Bialy]

You two moved in together just three months ago. There's always a period of adjustment to factor in.

 

Don't throw in the towel or panic just yet.

 

Find some middle ground. You two moved in together because you are obviously both really into each other -- despite this recent minor issue.

[preraph]

I don't think you're asking too much since you were very clear, I assume, about all this before moving in together. Her being unable to sleep unless you're there, please. She made it all these years without you babysitting her. If that's the case, it's time she got her own place alone and learned to love her own company and go to sleep like a big girl, by herself.

 

Tell her you've already talked about all this. Tell her you are NOT comfortable with being locked in to going to bed when she does, and that NO, other couples do not always go to bed at the same time, because they don't. Some do. Many don't. Many are not even sharing a bedroom. Just draw your boundary. Tell her if she had these needs, she should have brought it up BEFORE she moved in and that now you feel she tricked you.

 

If necessary, give her one more night through the week. I can't say I blame her for not wanting you out spending the night at your male friends' on a regular basis. But if you're out drinking, she doesn't want you driving home, does she? Be sure and stay in touch on those nights you spend away, though, in case she's thinking you're chasing women. But I get the idea she is just wanting you to live by HER schedule now, and you do have some rights.

 

Before talking, you make a list of stuff you wish she'd do too, just for ammo. Say, I hate coming home and finding your mother has dropped by and i can't just relax when she's here, so I'll trade you that overnight with my friends if you'll stop letting her come over unless we both agree to it." It doesn't have to be that, but you get the idea.

 

if you hadn't talked about all this before, I wouldn't have the same advice. But if she agreed to this and still moved in with you, then any changes you make are out of the kindness of your heart. But do NOT agree to just go to bed at the same time. That's unreasonable. Also, you might get to the heart of the problem. Maybe she has come to think you waste too much time playing videogames and is just using this to get you to stop. Again, if she agreed to that, though, it's not fair. If she always had a problem with it but moved in anyway, then you should have seen some of this coming.

[katiegrl]

Her compromise is I play games during the day and visit my friends during the day, essentially coming home in the evening. So basically she is steadfast in her demands.

 

I don't feel our communication has been strained in the past. Especially in regards to our needs we want from a partner. We have both been married before. So going through a divorce myself I knew it was imperative to make my needs known before getting to serious with someone.

 

Frankly Flux, I think she is overly-needy, too dependent and imo it's her that needs to lower her totally unrealistic expectations and chill out a bit, geez.

 

My ex and I dated for 2.5 years before moving in together. We gave each other a lot of space before we moved in and after we moved in.

 

Why? Because we knew and understood each other's natures and respective needs for space, and those natures and needs do not change just because you move in or get married.

 

What your gf did was what is commonly referred to as "bait and switch."

 

It happens a lot and is totally wrong and unfair.

 

Stick to your guns. You are who you are!

 

She understood who you are before moving in.... she needs to understand it again.

 

Otherwise, you will end up feeling smothered, engulfed and just flat out turned off.

 

Good luck!

[kendahke]

Her compromise is I play games during the day and visit my friends during the day, essentially coming home in the evening. So basically she is steadfast in her demands.

 

You realize that this has turned into a parent/child dynamic instead of it being an adult/adult dynamic, right?

 

I don't feel our communication has been strained in the past. Especially in regards to our needs we want from a partner. We have both been married before. So going through a divorce myself I knew it was imperative to make my needs known before getting to serious with someone.

 

Make no mistake about it: she heard you when you made your needs known--she had to have agreed with it in order for her moving in to go through. So, it looks like she manipulated you with a lie in order for her to move in. Now her truth comes out: you're not allowed any autonomy in your own home without thinly veiled accusations of infidelity being launched in your direction because she can't have her way. Why didn't she question your fidelity before moving in? Because it's a baseless, manipulative accusation.

 

I can understand the need for compromise if you were going out 4 nights a week to play video game with your boys and staying out all night. That's not happening. Not hardly, not nearly. She's a grown woman--and by the age of 31, she shouldn't need you glued to her side every single evening of the week--that's going to get really old really quickly.

[kendahke]

Yeah I understand this, but when is compromises your individual happiness just to please the other person, isn't that going to far?

 

That is the textbook definition of incompatibility.

[GemmaUK]

I'm not clingy at all and I need my own space but I am a light sleeper.

It wrecks my day when I don't sleep - a rare thing even with a partner for me though as compromise has always fallen into place for us both.

 

I would suggest either finding somewhere with a spare room or sofa bed so you can kip there when up late so she can sleep through or you move out and give up the idea of living together.

[pteromom]

I think she is being unreasonable.

 

She needs to be able to sleep without you in the bed with her. That's just weird and controlling. I mean, so let's say you give in and decide you will go to bed with her every night instead of doing things you like to do. You would just be building resentment about being stuck there instead of doing it because you want to spend time with her. Defeats the purpose.

 

I would keep doing what you are doing, but make an effort to make her feel cared about. Maybe when she's going to bed, go in there with her more often than normal and give her a backrub to help her go to sleep. Make sure you spend a few minutes connecting with her whenever you get home and she's awake.

 

I think the root of this is that she just wants to feel important to you, so show her that she is a priority to you WITHOUT giving up the things you love to do.

[lolablue17]

She wants 2 things. More control over you + deterrent power that will help her to suppress any sign of rebellion in the future

 

I think you shouldn't fall to that trap. Try not to argue about that, just do what you think is right. If you show signs that you're scared of her, well, that's exactly what she wants. You, to be scared.

 

It's not about compromises in a relationship. Because if it was that, she have so many other better ways to get what she wants, IF she wanted a compromise. But she only wants to dictate her rules. It will give her the satisfaction of ownership on you.

 

Just an advise - every little portion of territory you give up now, will ever never be returned. :)

[jen1447]

IMO she's auditioning your potential to be a 'grown up.' It's not about the video games or your friends, it's about you being able to prioritize her going forward. (Nesting instinct and all that - she wants to build a home and a life w someone she sees as dependable.)

 

Another case of cohabitation spoiling everything, haha.

[Fluxcapacitor]

IMO she's auditioning your potential to be a 'grown up.' It's not about the video games or your friends, it's about you being able to prioritize her going forward. (Nesting instinct and all that - she wants to build a home and a life w someone she sees as dependable.)

 

Another case of cohabitation spoiling everything, haha.

 

That's a pretty ****ty way to have someone audition if that's the case. Directly threatening my individual freedom, hobbies and needs is a horrible way to go about it. She says I can still do what I want...but basically on her watch. That's not good enough for me.

 

We've had this discussion/argument a couple times now and each time I pull away and start to question everything. Then she wonders why I seem so distance. I am glad everyone here seems to agree I am not asking much, and that it is normal to not always go to bed at the same time, and it's fine to crash a a buddies house like once a month. I know other people who take way more time away from their spouse, stay up when the other goes to bed more than once a week, and some people downright neglect their spouse or family, which I would never do.

[jen1447]

That's a pretty ****ty way to have someone audition if that's the case. Directly threatening my individual freedom, hobbies and needs is a horrible way to go about it. She says I can still do what I want...but basically on her watch. That's not good enough for me.

 

We've had this discussion/argument a couple times now and each time I pull away and start to question everything. Then she wonders why I seem so distance. I am glad everyone here seems to agree I am not asking much, and that it is normal to not always go to bed at the same time, and it's fine to crash a a buddies house like once a month. I know other people who take way more time away from their spouse, stay up when the other goes to bed more than once a week, and some people downright neglect their spouse or family, which I would never do.

 

Hm ....you're reacting kinda butthurt to an internet stranger giving you a 'nice' version of a critique you actually asked for ....(doesn't offend me, just saying). If that's typical of how you respond to her concerns, I can kinda more see her side and think maybe this relationship isn't for you, sorry.

 

I get your need for you time and I admire that you communicated that to her, but at some point you have to put away the video games and put on your dad vest and get w the program - at least if you want to play a role in the life of a woman who apparently needs and values that kind of stability.