Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I've been dating this guy for one month. Things were fine at first. We both stated we wanted to date and not be fwb. Recently he took my out and upon driving around we came to this park. He mentioned he took a girl out on a date I the past to the park we passed. I found it odd that he mentioned it. I spoke up and everything was fine. He's been initiating all the hangs outs, constantly asking me to hang out. Then when I go back home he texts me saying we are moving too fast. He's not looking to rush into a serious relationship. I became confused because he was the one coming on strong. I felt like he was blaming me for something he did. He's been acting distant after that. Can someone explain his behavior. He's 26 I'm a bit older by one year.
stillafool Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 It sounds like he wanted to be exclusive and something caused him to change his mind and now he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he realized he isn't over that girl he took to that park. 2
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 Was it wrong of me to ask questions about this girl and say I didn't like that he mentioned it? I felt things got weird after that
babylonsfire Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Was it wrong of me to ask questions about this girl and say I didn't like that he mentioned it? I felt things got weird after that Generally, asking questions/talking about exes, is a very bad thing to do early in dating. There are some general exceptions, but I try to avoid the ex conversation entirely; and I know that's hard, it's hard for me, since my ex was crazy (still is, and tries to do crazy things) and I have 2 kids from her, so I have to have some interaction (though I literally try to keep it to pickup/dropoff only) But, the earlier you mention ex's, and every time you mention ex's, conversation, date quality, chances of future dates, seem to drop off exponentially imo. 1
Nowty V Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Think stillafool has something. It would appear stirring up memories of his lost love made him realise he has unfinished business. "Maybe he realized he isn't over that girl he took to that park" 2
stillafool Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Was it wrong of me to ask questions about this girl and say I didn't like that he mentioned it? I felt things got weird after that Oh, I didn't know you told him you didn't like that he mentioned taking her there. Why did that upset you? I would have said shrugged it off. IDK but something turned him off and he no longer wants a relationship. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Was it wrong of me to ask questions about this girl and say I didn't like that he mentioned it? I felt things got weird after that I'd say that the park was bringing up memories. I wouldn't have commented at all so as not to continue to stir things up for him. And, being jealous of past partners isn't going to sit well with any new dating partner. If he had been making a habit of that, sure, I might have said something like "the past is in the past, let's just enjoy our time together". But, one time comment, eh, not so much. Let this sit for a while. Don't reach out to him and see what happens. If he contacts you again in a few days, decide then how you feel about him. If it's longer than that, forget about him and keep moving. Don't have high hopes. 4
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 I guess it was how he said it. He said I don't want to lower this date but this girl I was dating really wanted to sightsee so I took her out and we did a walking tour. I granted her wish. I just stayed quiet because it felt weird. Then I asked if he was over her and he said it was a sad break up. He said he is over it but that he gets sad when he talks about it because it was a sad moment in his life. I just felt that if we were out on a date why is he bringing up his past. It's like me inviting him over for dinner and then saying to him " I don't want to put you off but I used to cook lasagna for this guy I used to date". It's weird to me 1
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 It isn't as though you were sitting at dinner and he started talking about her. He went by a place that "triggered" his memories and feelings. Again, since it was a one time thing at this point, it would have been better to just honor his feelings rather than criticize him, complain. Something like "yeah, break ups can be painful. I've had a couple myself." and then drop it. " I don't want to put you off but I used to cook lasagna for this guy I used to date". -- That would be a weird comment based on something really insignificant . . . that to me would indicate a more serious issue with the person. Really, lasagna? But a really nice time at a beautiful park with someone you really cared about, that's a pretty strong memory. I get why he'd be triggered. How long since his break up with her? 1
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 You're right I feel so stupid now. It's been 5 months but they still talk. Do you think I can save this. We still hang out but not as often as we used to
babylonsfire Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Personally I'd pass, but its up to you, I'd give you less than a 30% chance of saving it.
preraph Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I don't think it was wrong of you to speak up and comment on it. I mean, a guy you date is making sure you know he is dating around. Just because he didn't just want FWB doesn't mean he isn't dating around, of course, looking for a serious relationship with someone he thinks he wants to do that with. So you were within your rights to follow up on that kind of "testing" remark he made, but then you have to be prepared for the answer. And he's telling you he's just dating around right now and not anywhere near wanting to be exclusive with you. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 You're right I feel so stupid now. It's been 5 months but they still talk. Do you think I can save this. We still hang out but not as often as we used to I'd let this go. If they are still talking after 5 months, he's not allowing himself to process this break up properly anyway, he's probably holding out hope. He can't be truly emotionally engaged with a new dating partner for a serious relationship. Keep dating other people and don't wait for this guy . . . 4
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I've been dating this guy for one month. Things were fine at first. We both stated we wanted to date and not be fwb. Recently he took my out and upon driving around we came to this park. He mentioned he took a girl out on a date I the past to the park we passed. I found it odd that he mentioned it. I spoke up and everything was fine. He's been initiating all the hangs outs, constantly asking me to hang out. Then when I go back home he texts me saying we are moving too fast. He's not looking to rush into a serious relationship. I became confused because he was the one coming on strong. I felt like he was blaming me for something he did. He's been acting distant after that. Can someone explain his behavior. He's 26 I'm a bit older by one year. Usually, people who are still processing a break up but wanting to distract themselves, they'll throw themselves into a new dating scenario. When they come on fast and hard, they usually burn out just as quickly. 1
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 I guess that's why I asked the question because he was coming on so strong and kinda all over the place. We would set up a date and then he would want to see me two days before our scheduled date. And then he wanted to see my the next day. And then we had the real date. I think it was too spontaneous for me which is why I started to question it. At first it was flattering but maybe I'm self sabatoging because I do want someone who wants to be around me.
babylonsfire Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I guess that's why I asked the question because he was coming on so strong and kinda all over the place. We would set up a date and then he would want to see me two days before our scheduled date. And then he wanted to see my the next day. And then we had the real date. I think it was too spontaneous for me which is why I started to question it. At first it was flattering but maybe I'm self sabatoging because I do want someone who wants to be around me. And all of those sound like classic signs of a guy not ready to move on yet, whos still recovering.
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I guess that's why I asked the question because he was coming on so strong and kinda all over the place. We would set up a date and then he would want to see me two days before our scheduled date. And then he wanted to see my the next day. And then we had the real date. I think it was too spontaneous for me which is why I started to question it. At first it was flattering but maybe I'm self sabatoging because I do want someone who wants to be around me. Yes, that's part of the problem in these scenarios, it does feel good when they come on so fast. But, really, you just need to sit back a little and observe what comes to light over a little bit of time. It's easy to get caught up. I get why you raised that flag though. When you posted you didn't give the "whole" picture, just a little snapshot, so I was giving him a little benefit of the doubt. I still stand by not calling him out for a one-time comment, but knowing more of the back story changes my view of the whole thing. Keep moving. You'll be fine. 1
stillafool Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I have to chime in that this guy definitely is not over the other girl. Move on.
Toodaloo Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 You're right I feel so stupid now. It's been 5 months but they still talk. Do you think I can save this. We still hang out but not as often as we used to Why do you want to when he is still thinking about some other woman? Don't be desperate - get rid.
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 You guys were right. He just gave this lame excuse as to why he can't hang out tonight. I knew he was lying when he came on too strong. He was also very emotional I'm just mad at myself for believing him and getting caught up in his crazyness
preraph Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Yeah, don't go pushing up dates. He wants to get into a "last minute" situation with you because he doesn't want the responsibility of treating you with respect. Don't let him do that.
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 You guys were right. He just gave this lame excuse as to why he can't hang out tonight. I knew he was lying when he came on too strong. He was also very emotional I'm just mad at myself for believing him and getting caught up in his crazyness Don't be mad at yourself or him. It's part of the process of dating. Sitting back and observing until things get really clear sometimes. Sure, he's emotional, he's struggling between trying to get past the pain of his last relationship and trying to move on and dating too soon. I doubt he set out purposely to deceive you. He realized he was moving too fast and put on the brakes. He was at least enjoying spending time with you apparently, so it's not easy to cut it off with you either. But he should just man up about it. I don't like the way he's handling it, but that just gives you the heads up that you need. Block and delete his number. You don't need to explain anything to him. He's not extending that courtesy to you . . .
Author Sendmewings Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 Thanks guys for the feedback. Now that I look back I do remember him getting upset in the beginning because I wouldn't have sex with him. He said it put too much pressure on him because he felt he is now obligated to take me out on dates in order to have sex with me. I dont know why I overlooked that.
Redhead14 Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Thanks guys for the feedback. Now that I look back I do remember him getting upset in the beginning because I wouldn't have sex with him. He said it put too much pressure on him because he felt he is now obligated to take me out on dates in order to have sex with me. I dont know why I overlooked that. I do remember him getting upset in the beginning I dont know why I overlooked that -- You didn't overlook or miss that, you DISmissed it! That was THE signal that he wasn't into dating seriously -- not all this stuff you've posted about. him getting upset in the beginning because I wouldn't have sex with him he felt he is now obligated to take me out on dates in order to have sex with me He could not have delivered a bigger clue than that. 2
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