Why is he being so cold?

[L171]

Hi, just looking for some advice/support

 

My boyfriend of 8 years (lived together for 3) broke up with me 5 weeks ago. A week before he wanted to go on a break & after a day he said he wanted to try make it work but a few days later went cold & he said he wasn't happy with life "it's not you it's me" & wasn't sure if he still loved me also mentioned it could be depression. He said he'd probably regret it in 6 months time if he found out I was with someone else, that this break up would be more difficult for him in the long run & that if we were meant to be we would end up back together anyway.

 

We kept in touch about our dog we are sharing for the first week, I then texted him to say I missed him & still wanted to try make it work. He completely ignored me & around a week after he blocked me and my family from facebook (they hadn't been in touch & I had only sent 1 text).

 

I didn't contact him after this then he texted after 4 week's about practical stuff (he apologised for "having to text me") & said his heads not been screwed on right after I reminded him that he still had bills to sort out. I said I hope that he's doing ok & he's ignored me again.

 

I'm really struggling with this, we were not just in a relationship but we were best friends. There hasn't been a day in 8 years where we haven't spoke. I can't believe how easy it seems for him just to cut me out of his life. I'm starting to wonder if he left me for someone else but I doubt it.

 

I guess I just need advice we were together from when I was 15 & him 17 which I know is very young.

 

I'm still in touch with his parents but wouldn't ask them anything as I feel its unfair.

 

Anyone experienced anything similar?

Do you think he'll regret leaving eventually?

How do I move on when I still love him?

 

Thanks

[aloneinaz]

How do you move on? You tell yourself that you have excellent self worth and esteem and won't tolerate anyone not making you a total priority. When someone say they don't want you in their life anymore, you give it to them.

 

You need to settle whatever bills and exchange each other's things ASAP. Then, you vanish, block him, change your phone number and move on w/your life. He's feeding you all the classic BS breakup lines to save your feelings. The bottom line is his actions and they are he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

You can't make someone feel the same way (obviously) but you can now worry about YOUR needs. They are to heal from your first relationship and then move onto your next one.

 

Read the NC thread and follow it. It's your fastest way to recovery.

 

You'll be fine.

[Pete2304]

Hi, just looking for some advice/support

 

My boyfriend of 8 years (lived together for 3) broke up with me 5 weeks ago. A week before he wanted to go on a break & after a day he said he wanted to try make it work but a few days later went cold & he said he wasn't happy with life "it's not you it's me" & wasn't sure if he still loved me also mentioned it could be depression. He said he'd probably regret it in 6 months time if he found out I was with someone else, that this break up would be more difficult for him in the long run & that if we were meant to be we would end up back together anyway.

 

We kept in touch about our dog we are sharing for the first week, I then texted him to say I missed him & still wanted to try make it work. He completely ignored me & around a week after he blocked me and my family from facebook (they hadn't been in touch & I had only sent 1 text).

 

I didn't contact him after this then he texted after 4 week's about practical stuff (he apologised for "having to text me") & said his heads not been screwed on right after I reminded him that he still had bills to sort out. I said I hope that he's doing ok & he's ignored me again.

 

I'm really struggling with this, we were not just in a relationship but we were best friends. There hasn't been a day in 8 years where we haven't spoke. I can't believe how easy it seems for him just to cut me out of his life. I'm starting to wonder if he left me for someone else but I doubt it.

 

I guess I just need advice we were together from when I was 15 & him 17 which I know is very young.

 

I'm still in touch with his parents but wouldn't ask them anything as I feel its unfair.

 

Anyone experienced anything similar?

Do you think he'll regret leaving eventually?

How do I move on when I still love him?

 

Thanks

 

It makes no sense does it? That person who you've given everything to and still love with all your heart doesn't seem to care? Not one bit. How can they do this, how, after every memory you've shared and all the assumptions you you made about the future?

 

I'm in exactly the same boat in many ways, ten year marriage gone and nothing but a cold response since. You say you keep in touch about the dog but let's be honest, you probably find some stupid reason to ring him about the dog and then either keep him talking with you being all nice and chatty despite you dying inside or you ring him about the dog and then within 30 seconds start asking questions or pleading for another chance?

 

He has you where he wants you I'm afraid (exactly where my ex has me) in that we are split up and yet she knows that chances are if she wanted me back she could have me.

 

Most advice on here will be to have no contact and I'm in no position to disagree with that although I will say that personally, if you want him back or even if you just want to make him wonder a little about what he's lost then go out, have some nights with friends, but some new clothes, go to some new places. It won't fix anything but it might make you feel a bit better and he will no doubt hear about it or see some pics etc.

 

Chances are, if you do that, you will get a text or a call at some point and if you do, you will go running. I promise you that's the worst thing to do but it happens. At night while all this facade of you being happy is going on you will hurt like hell and be wanting with every fibre of your being to pick up the phone or text but don't. He will get in touch.

 

The problem is though, in truth, you have to ask yourself....after a breakup like this, could things ever really be the same again? You might get your boyfriend back but at some point down the line, once you've gotten over the euphoria of getting your man back, you will realise you don't see him as your best friend anymore.

 

Whatever happens, good luck.

[Toodaloo]

Truth is that he probably does care but he has made his decision and knows that if he is in any way kind to you then he will relent.

 

Keep your distance and follow all the advice about how to get through.

 

The check list is along the lines of;

 

1. Keep being social with family and friends and keep talking

2. Take care of your appearance

3. Work off that stress and worry by going to the gym or taking up running or some kind of sport you enjoy

4. Distract yourself by joining a new club or group and learning something new

5. Eat healthily and do not start stuffing with ice cream and chocolate all the time. (every now and then is OK when you are having a good sob session but do not make it a habit and be strict with yourself)

6. Sort all finances, belongings etc out asap and make it final. So no leaving stuff to pick up later etc

7. Cry, wipe your tears, then get up and march forward even when you do not want to.

 

Good luck. Its a journey but you will get there.

[Kelley]

I'm afraid he has made his decision and is keeping his distance as he is moving on and doesn't want to give you false hope. You need to accept that the relationship is over, I know it's hard but you just have to, so you can grieve and move on. I know it's rubbish when they just cut you off like that, after everything you have been through. People change, they want different things from life, it's not your fault but you are left with the pain. You have to look after yourself now, cry, start a journal (best thing I did, so I can see how I'm progressing and just write those feelings down to let them out).

 

Take comfort in friends and family. You have to keep going as hard as it is, but the best advice would be to go no contact. There is peace in the silence, it hurts like hell, especially when he was your best friend (my ex was mine) but everyday it gets a little easier. Keep posting here, it helps me a lot too. Take care.

[L171]

It makes no sense does it? That person who you've given everything to and still love with all your heart doesn't seem to care? Not one bit. How can they do this, how, after every memory you've shared and all the assumptions you you made about the future?

 

I'm in exactly the same boat in many ways, ten year marriage gone and nothing but a cold response since. You say you keep in touch about the dog but let's be honest, you probably find some stupid reason to ring him about the dog and then either keep him talking with you being all nice and chatty despite you dying inside or you ring him about the dog and then within 30 seconds start asking questions or pleading for another chance?

 

He has you where he wants you I'm afraid (exactly where my ex has me) in that we are split up and yet she knows that chances are if she wanted me back she could have me.

 

Most advice on here will be to have no contact and I'm in no position to disagree with that although I will say that personally, if you want him back or even if you just want to make him wonder a little about what he's lost then go out, have some nights with friends, but some new clothes, go to some new places. It won't fix anything but it might make you feel a bit better and he will no doubt hear about it or see some pics etc.

 

Chances are, if you do that, you will get a text or a call at some point and if you do, you will go running. I promise you that's the worst thing to do but it happens. At night while all this facade of you being happy is going on you will hurt like hell and be wanting with every fibre of your being to pick up the phone or text but don't. He will get in touch.

 

The problem is though, in truth, you have to ask yourself....after a breakup like this, could things ever really be the same again? You might get your boyfriend back but at some point down the line, once you've gotten over the euphoria of getting your man back, you will realise you don't see him as your best friend anymore.

 

Whatever happens, good luck.

 

Hi thanks for your advice.

 

I guess it's just the shock of everything as well, I wake up and there's just a pit in my stomach. I genuinely thought he would change his mind after a few weeks. Sorry to hear that you are in the same situation.

 

My whole life has been turned upside down, I'm back home with my parents & anxious about my future.

 

His mum is now doing all the organising for the dog & any communication we've had is just been texts,. I'm going to go completely NC now.

 

I'll take your advice and see what happens. I'll stop chasing him he knows that I would take him back in a heartbeat and I don't want to be that person anymore.

 

Hope everything works out for you too.

[petroff]

Classic pattern: "it's not you, it's me, I don't know If i feel this anymore"

 

I'm dealing with a break-up myself now and I've already been through a few break-ups in the past.

 

First of all, you really need to cut off from him. This is crucial. Try to sort things out with him like giving back his stuff, etc, as quickly as possible and then don't contact him completely! Don't message him, his parents, remove his photos, things he gave you. You have to do this in order to begin the process of forgetting him once and for all.

 

People tend to be selfish and cold after a break-up(usually dumpers). I'm not sure why. Maybe in order to discourage their ex. Who knows. 8 years is a lot of time and I can only imagine how are you feeling now..but hey, don't worry. At the first stage of break-up dumpee usually feels devastated and miserable, and the dumper is happy, but trust me, things will change in a few weeks or months, because it's going to be him who's going to miss you.

[L171]

Classic pattern: "it's not you, it's me, I don't know If i feel this anymore"

 

I'm dealing with a break-up myself now and I've already been through a few break-ups in the past.

 

First of all, you really need to cut off from him. This is crucial. Try to sort things out with him like giving back his stuff, etc, as quickly as possible and then don't contact him completely! Don't message him, his parents, remove his photos, things he gave you. You have to do this in order to begin the process of forgetting him once and for all.

 

People tend to be selfish and cold after a break-up(usually dumpers). I'm not sure why. Maybe in order to discourage their ex. Who knows. 8 years is a lot of time and I can only imagine how are you feeling now..but hey, don't worry. At the first stage of break-up dumpee usually feels devastated and miserable, and the dumper is happy, but trust me, things will change in a few weeks or months, because it's going to be him who's going to miss you.

 

Thanks, yeah with each day that passes I'm starting to realise that I deserve better than this. It's exhausting, sometimes I'm ok, other times I feel completely overwhelmed. It hurts alot but I guess that's normal.

 

I'm trying to do all the things that are supposed to help. I'm meeting friends, journaling, exercising, going away for a few days tomorrow & staying away from social media.

 

I am committed now to stopping all contact with him, but do I really need to give up my dog? I collect her from his parents house, I don't see or speak to him. She stays with him 4 days a week and I have her 3 days. Any communication with his mum is just about taking the dog & chat about other stuff. We don't talk about him or the break up.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice, it's nice to hear from people who don't know ether of us it gives me a different perspective on things

Edited October 13, 2016 by L171

[Toodaloo]

but do I really need to give up my dog? I collect her from his parents house, I don't see or speak to him. She stays with him 4 days a week and I have her 3 days. Any communication with his mum is just about taking the dog & chat about other stuff. We don't talk about him or the break up.

 

Can you not just keep the dog? Would he not agree to that?

[L171]

He offered but I work full-time & my current living arrangements arent the best so it wouldn't be in her best interests so we agreed to just share her.

[Toodaloo]

He offered but I work full-time & my current living arrangements arent the best so it wouldn't be in her best interests so we agreed to just share her.

 

Well simple thing to do is either let him keep her or change your living situation so you can keep her.

 

I know its hard but cutting contact is a much faster way of recovering for YOU.

[ShootingStarlet]

I kind of think he probably sat down and thought about the fact that he hasn't been with other women in his life, because he 'settled' down at 17 probably without realising what he was really doing and it isn't until now that he's realised that he's missed out on a big part of his manhood and experience of dating around, especially at college. I think to be fair, you also missed out on that too but for women, we don't feel that need to explore around with different people too much, we're happy when we find that one who just ticks our boxes and we don't feel like we're missing out. Guys can be with the perfect girl, but if they haven't had a chance to explore with other girls, they will always wonder about that other-side-grass. He's not very smart, he's letting go of a good thing, and I think he knows that which is why he can't deal with any contact because as the days go by and he starts feeling lonely and starts missing all the little things and starts feeling scared, he's going to be wondering if he did make the right decision or not....but then he also remembers that feeling he was getting when he was with you that he was missing out....so he's confused and cold but it's NOTHING to do with you.

Honestly, I'd be more 'worried' if he was able to be friendly and relaxed because it would show that he got over his emotions for you a long time ago and now thinks of you as just a friend and nothing more.

 

My advice for you is to embrace the fact that you're only 23 and that this relationship didn't keep going until you're late 20's when you would have missed out on a prime time to date other men. You have a chance now to find yourself, maybe even reinvent yourself, and date other men who might just completely change your world and your life. I think you and your ex should be able to be friends in a near future, hopefully when you have met someone else, so that you can just think of him as a good friend. But honestly, it would most likely have been a mistake to think that he was the One, because you're at a place in your life where you're both changing and the people you were when you were 15 won't be exactly who you will be when you're older.

 

It's a blessing in disguise, believe me. He'll never forget you, he may even come back to you, but I think he did YOU a BIG favour by leaving! Seriously.

[L171]

I kind of think he probably sat down and thought about the fact that he hasn't been with other women in his life, because he 'settled' down at 17 probably without realising what he was really doing and it isn't until now that he's realised that he's missed out on a big part of his manhood and experience of dating around, especially at college. I think to be fair, you also missed out on that too but for women, we don't feel that need to explore around with different people too much, we're happy when we find that one who just ticks our boxes and we don't feel like we're missing out. Guys can be with the perfect girl, but if they haven't had a chance to explore with other girls, they will always wonder about that other-side-grass. He's not very smart, he's letting go of a good thing, and I think he knows that which is why he can't deal with any contact because as the days go by and he starts feeling lonely and starts missing all the little things and starts feeling scared, he's going to be wondering if he did make the right decision or not....but then he also remembers that feeling he was getting when he was with you that he was missing out....so he's confused and cold but it's NOTHING to do with you.

Honestly, I'd be more 'worried' if he was able to be friendly and relaxed because it would show that he got over his emotions for you a long time ago and now thinks of you as just a friend and nothing more.

 

My advice for you is to embrace the fact that you're only 23 and that this relationship didn't keep going until you're late 20's when you would have missed out on a prime time to date other men. You have a chance now to find yourself, maybe even reinvent yourself, and date other men who might just completely change your world and your life. I think you and your ex should be able to be friends in a near future, hopefully when you have met someone else, so that you can just think of him as a good friend. But honestly, it would most likely have been a mistake to think that he was the One, because you're at a place in your life where you're both changing and the people you were when you were 15 won't be exactly who you will be when you're older.

 

It's a blessing in disguise, believe me. He'll never forget you, he may even come back to you, but I think he did YOU a BIG favour by leaving! Seriously.

 

This put my mind at ease, thank you.

 

There is a part of me that understands, day to day though I feel like I am missing the other half of me & the loss I feel is just awful.

 

I am going to take this opportunity, now I have no financial responsibilities to go back packing around Europe in the summer & do some soul searching.

[whatnot]

He would not have stayed with you for 8 years had he not seen something inside of you that he admired, respected and loved. Whatever it was...he will never forget you....

 

Good luck

 

(...and if he's like your's truly, he's just scared and his thinking is off. but...that doesn't change a thing. It is what it is. You will love again)

[Buddhist]

I don't think this is anything personal, he's just doing what he has to do in order to make a clean break. It's far more likely that he knows if he stays in contact with you then you'll inevitably get on that on again, off again see saw and he wants a clean break. It's easier if you don't talk.

 

You don't try to move on. That's how you move on. Sudden endings like this take time a long time to adjust to and accept especially when you weren't the one to make the break. So you struggle and try and focus on other things until acceptance comes.

 

It probably wasn't the best thing for him to go on about regretting this and changing his mind about the split. Because honestly, I think he really does mean to split, hence the NC. That probably gave you hope that he didn't mean to give. It was likely this was his way of letting you down easily rather than any real intention to remain together. It's confusing when people do that but their actions are what you need to pay attention to.

 

He hasn't moved on, he's just giving himself the best chance of doing so with the no contact.

[Fatty23]

Wow. My ex is kind of doing and saying the same things. Although we weren't together for as long as 8 years. I think in time he'll look back and realize what he did was stupid. Who knows if that's in a few days or a couple months or even years. My ex is being hot and cold so I gave him an ultimatum. I posted about it. We'll see how that goes.. I'm not optimistic about it. As lame and maybe even sexist as this sounds, guys always want what they can't have. Make sure he knows he doesn't get the option of coming back whenever he feels like it. That there are consequences to his actions. Whatever happens know that this isn't because of you but because of his own personal issues he's protecting on you. I hope you guys can work it out or that you can be happy with moving on.

[L171]

So after all this time, I went NC & continued arrangements with his mum about my dog. he randomly text me when I had the dog, saying he never knew I had her, that his mum keeps forgetting to tell him the arrangements (she lives around the corner from him & he sees her everyday) & asks if we can just organise it between ourselves, unless I don't want to . Then goes on to say that "I thought I seen you at their front door I had a massive panic and I turned at the top of the street....turns out it wasn't you".

 

Should I continue NC & ask his mum to continue the arrangements? Don't get why he wanted absolutely NC, then randomly wants to speak every week.

 

We were together for a long time, I felt better after hearing from him, can I heal & move on while we are still in contact?

[Toodaloo]

So after all this time, I went NC & continued arrangements with his mum about my dog. he randomly text me when I had the dog, saying he never knew I had her, that his mum keeps forgetting to tell him the arrangements (she lives around the corner from him & he sees her everyday) & asks if we can just organise it between ourselves, unless I don't want to . Then goes on to say that "I thought I seen you at their front door I had a massive panic and I turned at the top of the street....turns out it wasn't you".

 

Should I continue NC & ask his mum to continue the arrangements? Don't get why he wanted absolutely NC, then randomly wants to speak every week.

 

We were together for a long time, I felt better after hearing from him, can I heal & move on while we are still in contact?

 

He had a panic attack and ran away because he thought he saw you?

 

Hell no. You stay away and keep picking up the dog from his Mum...

 

Keep your distance and keep moving on. You are doing really well.

[L171]

Yes, I thought it was a bit odd that he felt the need to tell me this after going completely cold on me. What does he have to panic about? I'm the one who got my heart broken & I've handled it with integrity.

[Toodaloo]

Yes, I thought it was a bit odd that he felt the need to tell me this after going completely cold on me. What does he have to panic about? I'm the one who got my heart broken & I've handled it with integrity.

 

Keep doing so and keep your dignity.

 

Do not meet up with him. If he wants to play silly buggars let him do it on his own time not yours.

[L171]

I think he means still to collect her from his mum but organising it with him, just seems unnecessary. If you no longer have feelings for someone why would you have a panic attack when seeing them? I was doing well now I'm just confused.

 

Don't worry I won't be meeting him. I'm writing on here rather than speaking to him about it!

[Toodaloo]

I think he means still to collect her from his mum but organising it with him, just seems unnecessary. If you no longer have feelings for someone why would you have a panic attack when seeing them? I was doing well now I'm just confused.

 

Don't worry I won't be meeting him. I'm writing on here rather than speaking to him about it!

 

Probably because he does have feelings.

 

I dumped my last fling. He has moved on already and I haven't...

 

Just because someone pulls the plug doesn't mean that they are not hurting too.

 

Thing is though you have to deal with your own hurt and move on.

 

I suspect this guy has had a massive kick to the ego as well as you "appear" to him to be fine. He is probably thinking he made a massive mistake.

 

Not your problem. So leave him to it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he means still to collect her from his mum but organising it with him, just seems unnecessary. If you no longer have feelings for someone why would you have a panic attack when seeing them? I was doing well now I'm just confused.

 

Don't worry I won't be meeting him. I'm writing on here rather than speaking to him about it!

 

Probably because he feels guilty for hurting you and isn't ready to confront that pain that he knows he caused.

 

I would not remain in contact, no. Moving on will be very difficult if you do, particularly when he begins to date someone else. Sooner or later, that day will come. You might feel you can be friends but I guarantee that moment when you see with your own eyes that his heart is with another will hurt like hell.

[aloneinaz]

Sounds like the typical dumper seeking an ego boost via text. Throws out some disingenuous comment hoping to get an emotional reply back. As T states, dumpers do hurt as well but it doesn't mean they want to reconcile. They can get an ego validation or two from the dumper as they move forward.

 

IDK about this dog situation. Personally, I'd walk away from the dog and cut all contact from the guy. It's only holding you back to heal and move on. I'd want NO CONTACT w/any of my ex's friends/family. I'd also block his number or means for him to contact me.

 

At this point, it's all about what's best for you. Having ANY contact with an ex while you're hurting and trying to move on will only keep you stuck in that mess.