No strings attached?

[nightoul]

Hi. I would like to hear your opinion and possibly advice on this. About a month ago a random girl wrote me on FB and asked me out. I checked her a bit and found she's into Radiohead which is my favourite band so I thought why not. When I saw her for the first time I was surprised at how good she looked so we started going out more. We went to Berlin to a RH concert with a couple of my friends, then she went to see my own concert, spent time with my friends, then I went to see her friends at some other concert. After this event (which at that time was about 2 weeks that we've known each other) we went for another beer alone and started talking a little bit more personally but not that much. We had our first kiss afterwards etc. However, I was never quite sure about her because her reactions, though positive, were always a bit detached or perhaps just cautious. Anyway, last week we went out and eventually to her place and had sex (cca 1 month since our first date). Immediately after that I wanted to break slightly unpleasant silence and I said what was after all on my mind which is that I'm still not really sure about her. She then said that's she's had a breakup with a 30-y-o guy (she's 23, I'm 24) who's been terrible to her. She feels emotionally dead and it frutrates her that she can't fall in love with me. She's never met anyone yet who would be "such a good match". These were her words and I said something like: "It's not "not similar" with me" (sorry for that, in my language it sounds better) and told her something about my own past (my first love which was eventually a disaster which, among other things, also caused me depression for some time - this I, perhaps regrettably, also said) and about my experience with inability to fall in love afterwards. Then I said that this is not the reason that we should stop seeing each other and she agreed. We sort of agreed on seeing each other with "no strings attached". It seemed like a good idea to me then but it does not now.

Since then I wrote to her casually but her responses were, though generally okay and nice, rather passive. She hasn't wrote to me first since then. She was also supposed to come to another concert of the band I play in but apologised, apparently she's sick which is probably true but who knows.

Yesterday I texted her that I'm on my way to the city and that I wanna come over bring her something. She replied kindly but said that she's not feeling well. I know that when she gets better she will probably want to see me but at the same time I'm starting to feel irritated and discouraged as to texting her again.

 

What would you generally recommend to do? Thanks a lot.

[PaperCrane]

If a person truly wants to be with you, they'll make the efforts to do so.

 

Seems like she's doing the slow fade.

[Zippy2000]

Im unsure what you are asking or what you are wanting.

 

 

It appears you werent sure about her but when she does show signs of pulling away. You want to connect with her.

 

 

For what you have told me. I d give her time to think for herself. Do your own thing and when she does come back you have something to talk about but give hr space for now.

[babylonsfire]

Immediately after that I wanted to break slightly unpleasant silence and I said what was after all on my mind which is that I'm still not really sure about her.

 

First, what do you consider unpleasant silence? A few moments of silence after sex? That's kind of normal for a lot of people. A few minutes/hours after that night when you guys went back to your own routines? Again, kind of normal, especially after the first time. A few days? Do you typically talk every day? Or did sex set that expectation that communication would greatly increase because you had sex? What's "unpleasant silence" to you?

 

Second, normally breaking an unpleasant/comfortable silence by just dumping out everything on your mind is bad. Think about it, would you do that with a co-worker, or your boss, or a friend, or a family member? Why do we do that when dating, it generally never ends well. Was that done over phone/text? Or in person, I hope in person, because those conversations are much better in person than phone/text.

 

She then said that's she's had a breakup with a 30-y-o guy (she's 23, I'm 24) who's been terrible to her.

 

It's still really early in the relationship to be talking about ex's, and how that might impact you currently, how long ago was the breakup? How long were they together, most people generally need a decent cooling off period before they're interested in a long-term relationship/function properly again.

 

She feels emotionally dead and it frutrates her that she can't fall in love with me. She's never met anyone yet who would be "such a good match".

 

What makes you guys a good match? I haven't heard/read any of that yet except comments about physical stuff, and similar music taste. Physical interaction alone almost never makes you fall in love.

 

We sort of agreed on seeing each other with "no strings attached". It seemed like a good idea to me then but it does not now.

 

That's generally a conversion from dating, to friends with benefits or pure fun/dating, and no relationship. That can be good for you if you want free sex and a chick to chill with while you're looking elsewhere, but this usually means your relationship isn't going to turn into a long term one.

 

What would you generally recommend to do? Thanks a lot.

 

Either enjoy the fwb relationship you now have going, and just enjoy the sex/dating when you can get it, or cut it off. Chances for a long-term out of this one from what I've heard so far, generally don't look good.

[PogoStick]

Yes, what are you wanting? Are you accepting of no strings, or are you asking for a full relationship?

 

Either way, it seems the best move currently is to give her some space, and allow her to come back towards you. The absence might make her realize the desire for your company. If not, it means she's not interested and you can't change that anyway.

[nightoul]

Thanks for the comments.

When she said that "she's never met such a good match" I believe it meant something along these lines: a guy with similar interests and mindset whom at the same time she feels attracted to. In other words, she has a few friends with similar mindset but she's not attracted to any of them.

What I mean by the mindset thing is generally this: she's that kind of girl who has one or two close friends with whom she "discusses everything over and over", she also has a tendency to be anxious, she's pessimistic, and a bit destructive. She has two close friends and they call themselves a desperate trio etc. I am similar in the "discussing everything" part with my friends, pessimistic, though not destructive.

I agree that perhaps we shouldn't have talked about the deep stuff so early on. However, it still felt a bit tense (at least for me) so I broke it and then we had this discussion which was at first a bit strange but eventually I'd even say very good and it seemed that we moved somewhere. It felt relieved and we were cuddling a lot after the talk.

But also, I probably did another stupid thing: I said we shouldn't have had sex so early on. Which I still think is true but why say that. Maybe she feels insecure because of that too.

 

Anyway, I will now be honest. I do feel something for her already. And I'm afraid I sort of did even on that night. I even recorded a cover of one of her favourite RH songs and sent her yesterday (she said it was beautiful). Perhaps I should stop being a pussy and tell her I'm beginning to feel something. (Of course it won't mean that I will push her, just tell her.)

Thank you

Edited October 15, 2016 by nightoul

[nightoul]

Hi again. With a little update I would like to ask you what you think now. Thanks for all the comments, especially Zippy and babylonsfire.

 

We met after cca two weeks as she was ill and then went to some film festival for another week. We kept in touch on FB during that time but just a bit, no long conversations.

When she got back I wrote to her after a few days that I want to see her soon bc I've been thinking and I want to tell her my thoughts. So we met for a brief lunch talk since I had to go to school afterwards and she had no time in the evening.

I simply said that when I met her I felt from the beginning that there's going to be something "problematic" (don't worry I didn't use this word), of course I didn't exactly know it'll be her recent breakup but knew there would be something. So I was curious and when she told me that night I was glad it got uncovered. I told her I understand where she is now and I don't want to push anything but that I care about her and want her to know that I'm interested. I said I would feel like a coward if I didn't tell her and secondly that I simply want her to have this information.

She said that she realizes she's not very warm and acting-as-nice-as-she-should bc she just can't do it now. But at the same time she thinks she doesn't have any responsibility yet so that's why she's like this. This she said of her own accord without me asking. I said I'm glad she realizes it and that I agree about the responsibility thing which is why I never said anything even though it privately annoyed me sometimes (tongue-in-cheek). She said that I can if I want. Then she said she wants to take it easy and that she initially thought we would be friends for a while etc. (kinda strange given the fact that she was a random girl asking me out on FB but okay). She then said she was afraid I was gonna tell her that I don't want to see her anymore.

(BTW this may all seem like she's the "fragile" type of girl who wants to take things slow, be friends at first etc. but I'm still not sure bc on the other hand she comes across as a tough girl, smokes & swears a bit (I know how this sounds, sorry, but I'm trying to give you clues) and also doesn't seem sexually inexperienced let alone restrained.)

Then we were talking about normal stuff for a bit and then briefly kissed and hugged goodbye.

I sort of felt good for saying what I wanted to say and not pushing. At the same time I thought that maybe I was too generous. Now it's been three days without her message so I suppose it's going to be me who writes first which I am prepared to do but not so glad.

 

What do you think?

Edited October 27, 2016 by nightoul