minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Hey everyone, So quick background, me and this girl have been dating for 2 months. Seen each other 3-4 times a week, sleeping at her place, quite a lot of sex, went out having dates such as cinema, restaurants, fun things. Even went to a city abroad for a long weekend together a few weeks ago. We also sometimes write each other cute letters, made pics of each other, etc. Tagging me in pics on instagram where you see couples hugging, or laying in bed together, etc. Well, I like her a lot. When I'm not with her she's constantly on my mind, and I just want to be with her a lot. Now.. 3 days ago we were laying in bed and cuddling, I laid on top of her and kissed her a few times before I said 'I..'and stopped. She asked me I what, and wanted to know. Then I said; 'I love you' and she asked me really? Why do you love me? And I told her for who she is, her personality, how we are together etc. Now we discussed 2 days ago regarding a relationship and she said she likes the dating fase a lot, where you do a lot of fun stuff, things are still new, exciting, etc. And she said that when you go in a relationship things would change and might even get a bit more 'always-the-usual-stuff'-ish. She also said, and this scared me; 'Also if it doesn't work out, it's less hard to say goodbye when dating then when in a relationship. Something in the lines of that.' She just really wants to date as long as possible it seems. So I agreed that continue dating each other would be good so that we get to know each other more. But now.. I just can't stop thinking about me saying it too soon. I figured I really like her a lot and two months in.. we're already treating each other as a couple most of the times I'd say. But I guess we shouldn't rush things either.. So what should I do? Don't mention it at all and just continue from this? Or I was thinking of either telling her by a letter or text/voice something in the lines of; "I'm starting to like you a lot, everything we do together, when I'm with you, it all feels good. I know I said I love you, and I think it was a thing in the moment that I did, and that it might be a bit too soon for me to say that. I really want to get to know you better and continue things how we are doing things, and not rush things." Would this be a good idea?
PaperCrane Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I wouldn't back track. Talking about it just brings more attention to it. She knows you said it, if she wants to say it back she will. Don't worry about it. What I'm worried about is how she cares more about "dating and having fun" than the usual boring "same old stuff" that comes from relationships. 4
Author minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 I wouldn't back track. Talking about it just brings more attention to it. She knows you said it, if she wants to say it back she will. Don't worry about it. What I'm worried about is how she cares more about "dating and having fun" than the usual boring "same old stuff" that comes from relationships. Yeah, I was wondering about that too. I told her at that time that it's as exciting or boring as you make it yourself. That it can still be exciting and fun when in a relationship and she replied with well trust me, i've been in enough relationships to know about this. Maybe it's her previous relationship that made her think that way.
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 No, do not send any message and do not address this ILY again. What you have here is a woman not wanting to label your relationship. After 2 months it's not good news. She has hung ups about relationships and has identified them as boring and routine-like. She just wants to have fun, she spelled it out for you, believe her. If I were you I wouldn't pursue this. We have 10s and 10s of threads on here about her or him not wanting to label the relationship and they never have happy endings. 2
PaperCrane Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Yeah, I was wondering about that too. I told her at that time that it's as exciting or boring as you make it yourself. That it can still be exciting and fun when in a relationship and she replied with well trust me, i've been in enough relationships to know about this. Maybe it's her previous relationship that made her think that way. How old are you two? Because if you guys are in your 20's I highly doubt she's had enough LTR's to know that every one ends up the exact same way. In reality highschool relationships don't count because it's a microcosm of a world separate from the real one with restrictions and pressures unique to them, so those don't really factor in. I digress, anyways, she's also deflecting because she obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship but she's keen on playing at one. Once that's exactly what you want, she will more than likely leave. So, from my experience I'd advise just enjoying it for what it is because it will most likely not be any more. Don't invest emotions. You've already stated your viewpoint to her, don't keep poking at it.
Author minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) No, do not send any message and do not address this ILY again. What you have here is a woman not wanting to label your relationship. After 2 months it's not good news. She has hung ups about relationships and has identified them as boring and routine-like. She just wants to have fun, she spelled it out for you, believe her. If I were you I wouldn't pursue this. We have 10s and 10s of threads on here about her or him not wanting to label the relationship and they never have happy endings. I understand that and I'm hope she's not stringing me along. I mean, we went to a hotel for a long weekend, write each other letters, she's even making a book with things inside of us such as pics, cinema tickets, letters, etc.. Those aren't things you'd do with someone you'd just want to have fun with, right? How old are you two? Because if you guys are in your 20's I highly doubt she's had enough LTR's to know that every one ends up the exact same way. In reality highschool relationships don't count because it's a microcosm of a world separate from the real one with restrictions and pressures unique to them, so those don't really factor in. I digress, anyways, she's also deflecting because she obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship but she's keen on playing at one. Once that's exactly what you want, she will more than likely leave. So, from my experience I'd advise just enjoying it for what it is because it will most likely not be any more. Don't invest emotions. You've already stated your viewpoint to her, don't keep poking at it. She's 20, I'm 25. She's been in a 2,5 year relationship and came out 5 months ago of one from 6 months or so. Also she's had butterflies quite a lot, when I visit her, when she reads my letter, etc.. Edited October 12, 2016 by minato123
Zahara Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I understand that and I'm hope she's not stringing me along. I mean, we went to a hotel for a long weekend, write each other letters, she's even making a book with things inside of us such as pics, cinema tickets, letters, etc.. Those aren't things you'd do with someone you'd just want to have fun with, right? OP, you don't have to be in a committed relationship with hearts and cupids to enjoy all those things when with someone. You can easily enjoy the benefits of a relationship without wanting to be in one. She's telling you blatantly about how she feels so grasp those words and digest it. You have two choices -- enjoy it for what it is or step away knowing you are already emotionally affected. 1
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I understand that and I'm hope she's not stringing me along. I mean, we went to a hotel for a long weekend, write each other letters, she's even making a book with things inside of us such as pics, cinema tickets, letters, etc.. Those aren't things you'd do with someone you'd just want to have fun with, right? She's 20, I'm 25. She's been in a 2,5 year relationship and came out 5 months ago of one from 6 months or so. Also she's had butterflies quite a lot, when I visit her, when she reads my letter, etc.. Minato: She said out loud she just wants to date and have fun. Believe her, even if she has some behavior that are relationship like, she does not want to be in a relationship. 5 months out of a 2,5 year relationship is not long enough to be done with her mourning. There you got her reasons for being this way. She will use you as long as it feels good. When the newness is gone she will be gone. No, she is not misleading you, she told you right out she just wants to have fun. To mislead someone you need to lie to them, she is being pretty straight forward with you, are you listening?
PaperCrane Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I understand that and I'm hope she's not stringing me along. I mean, we went to a hotel for a long weekend, write each other letters, she's even making a book with things inside of us such as pics, cinema tickets, letters, etc.. Those aren't things you'd do with someone you'd just want to have fun with, right? I can say from personal experience that yes, those are things someone stringing you along can and will do. I made quite a few posts here regarding a situation I was in and each one of the things you said we did together multiple times. Four trips together, hand written notes and letters on the daily at most and weekly at least, several scrap books of our time together, framed a picture of us together and has it in her room, even told me multiple times she loved me, etc etc etc etc. She didn't want a relationship either. Don't worry about what she does so much as what you do. Keep doing what you're doing, have fun, and treat her right. If you're correct and she has reservations about a relationship they'll peter out. If not, you've done the right thing and others will see that, maybe even a girl who wishes she was in your current dating partners position who wouldn't play around with these things.
Author minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Ùgh, it would suck if it would turn out like that. I've been cheated on, strung along, used, before her with other women and I'd finally thought she could be the one. But it's too soon to conclude this. I'll keep doing what I'm doing atleast, stop the overthinking or lower it atleast, and see how it pans out. To make things a little more complicated perhaps I'd like to add in that - a few weeks ago we've talked about what we both search for in a relationship, and in a boyfriend / girlfriend - that she doesn't want to go in a relationship quick - she didn't want to meet my close friend a month ago as 'it would make things more official in her eyes, it would be too soon' - I met a good friend of her last week when me and her visited her just for an hour cause I had to go. And the girl I'm dating wants me to come along with her to a halloween party of that good friend that's coming up soon (note that friend of her already referred to us as a 'couple' and she keeps talking/asking about me, and that she picked a good guy for her) - Two weeks ago or so, we had a little drink, and we came to the conversation suddenly of if we saw a future together, and we both said yes to that question. During that same talk I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yeah, and the morning after we both realised we were a bit tipsy and forced ourself a bit in this talk and it was a bit too soon to do so - She said she was worried she can't give me what I want (I should've asked her what that was and all, at the time, but I didn't)
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Ùgh, it would suck if it would turn out like that. I've been cheated on, strung along, used, before her with other women and I'd finally thought she could be the one. But it's too soon to conclude this. I'll keep doing what I'm doing atleast, stop the overthinking or lower it atleast, and see how it pans out. To make things a little more complicated perhaps I'd like to add in that - a few weeks ago we've talked about what we both search for in a relationship, and in a boyfriend / girlfriend - that she doesn't want to go in a relationship quick - she didn't want to meet my close friend a month ago as 'it would make things more official in her eyes, it would be too soon' - I met a good friend of her last week when me and her visited her just for an hour cause I had to go. And the girl I'm dating wants me to come along with her to a halloween party of that good friend that's coming up soon (note that friend of her already referred to us as a 'couple' and she keeps talking/asking about me, and that she picked a good guy for her) - Two weeks ago or so, we had a little drink, and we came to the conversation suddenly of if we saw a future together, and we both said yes to that question. During that same talk I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yeah, and the morning after we both realised we were a bit tipsy and forced ourself a bit in this talk and it was a bit too soon to do so - She said she was worried she can't give me what I want (I should've asked her what that was and all, at the time, but I didn't) You will end up the big loser here. She is recently out of a relationship, she just wants to have fun. When she is ready to invest herself again I bet my next paycheck it's won't be with you. It's never with the rebound man/woman. If you have been cheated on and mislead and strung along then DO NOT date women that are unsure of what they want or want differently than you. As simple as that. This woman is spelling out to you she is not wanting to be in a relationship. If you stick around you accept to invest your time and feelings in someone that will disappoint you. It's on you.
Author minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 You will end up the big loser here. She is recently out of a relationship, she just wants to have fun. When she is ready to invest herself again I bet my next paycheck it's won't be with you. It's never with the rebound man/woman. If you have been cheated on and mislead and strung along then DO NOT date women that are unsure of what they want or want differently than you. As simple as that. This woman is spelling out to you she is not wanting to be in a relationship. If you stick around you accept to invest your time and feelings in someone that will disappoint you. It's on you. Woops, that 'girlfriend at some point', is incorrect. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. Not included with 'at some point'. Anyways, maybe you're right, thank you for warning me. It really hurts to read/realise this. Now I'm wondering if I should ask her / confront her with these thoughts, but that could only cause more damage I think. Or to continue with this and see how this turns out, putting my heart at risk.
PaperCrane Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Woops, that 'girlfriend at some point', is incorrect. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. Not included with 'at some point'. Anyways, maybe you're right, thank you for warning me. It really hurts to read/realise this. Now I'm wondering if I should ask her / confront her with these thoughts, but that could only cause more damage I think. Or to continue with this and see how this turns out, putting my heart at risk. Every situation has it's hurdles, you're getting 90% of what people would want out of a relationship, minus the commitment. So you just need to ask yourself if you're okay with waiting for it; that is if she worth, in your opinion to wait for. I wouldn't give it too long after 3-4 months though. If you're doing all you say you are together and a girl won't be your official girlfriend, it's time to move on.
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Woops, that 'girlfriend at some point', is incorrect. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. Not included with 'at some point'. Anyways, maybe you're right, thank you for warning me. It really hurts to read/realise this. Now I'm wondering if I should ask her / confront her with these thoughts, but that could only cause more damage I think. Or to continue with this and see how this turns out, putting my heart at risk. Confront her about what? She is not doing anything wrong. She told you, again, she just wants to date and have fun. She is being straight forward and honest with you. She is putting her cards on the table, this is what she has to offer, nothing more. She is not misleading you, she is being honest with you. What part needs to be confronted about? You confront people when you catch them in a lie. She is Far from a liar. Now your role is : * Accept she is only able to give you dating and fun * End it because it's a dead end you don't want to invest in. AT NO POINT, in your life, should you stay with someone in the hope they will change their mind about you.
LostOnes05 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 She's not relationship material and she told you that. She falls into boredom when she gets into a relationship, then it's on to the next. I'd let her go honestly, unless you're just looking for a temporary good time. But that will only prolong the inevitable and involve more of YOUR feelings. She has told you everything you need to know already...take heed.
babylonsfire Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I'd personally move on man, like others have mentioned here, she's being very clear in what she wants, dating, fun, sex. Not bad things imo, there's time for that, but if you're looking for something long-term? Eh, that doesn't bode well for you. Not saying it can't happen, but I've seen a lot more where it doesn't/won't than when it does/will. She is too fresh out of a long relationship for that, and when she recovers/finishes, she'll look around, if you're what she wants? Good for you, if not, well, then she'll move on and find something else. Personally, you seem a lot more invested than she is. I wouldn't necessarily end things, I'd just start tapering down my investment in her, friend zone her, so to say, and start looking for a new option. If the new option works out well, good for you, if it doesn't, and she's really into you, when she notices you backing off and tapering down, she'll pursue it herself, and this time, seriously. She knows how you feel, you know how she feels, there's really no "talking about it" that needs to be done, no mixed messages, so...go from there
Author minato123 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Every situation has it's hurdles, you're getting 90% of what people would want out of a relationship, minus the commitment. So you just need to ask yourself if you're okay with waiting for it; that is if she worth, in your opinion to wait for. I wouldn't give it too long after 3-4 months though. If you're doing all you say you are together and a girl won't be your official girlfriend, it's time to move on. That's true. However I'll give it another month and see. I don't want to suddenly cut this off. Confront her about what? She is not doing anything wrong. She told you, again, she just wants to date and have fun. She is being straight forward and honest with you. She is putting her cards on the table, this is what she has to offer, nothing more. She is not misleading you, she is being honest with you. What part needs to be confronted about? You confront people when you catch them in a lie. She is Far from a liar. Now your role is : * Accept she is only able to give you dating and fun * End it because it's a dead end you don't want to invest in. AT NO POINT, in your life, should you stay with someone in the hope they will change their mind about you. I'm not calling her a liar. I didn't mean confront in the way the word means. Sorry, English isn't my native language. She's not relationship material and she told you that. She falls into boredom when she gets into a relationship, then it's on to the next. I'd let her go honestly, unless you're just looking for a temporary good time. But that will only prolong the inevitable and involve more of YOUR feelings. She has told you everything you need to know already...take heed. I'l keep it in mind and see how it develops over a month. Thank you. I'd personally move on man, like others have mentioned here, she's being very clear in what she wants, dating, fun, sex. Not bad things imo, there's time for that, but if you're looking for something long-term? Eh, that doesn't bode well for you. Not saying it can't happen, but I've seen a lot more where it doesn't/won't than when it does/will. She is too fresh out of a long relationship for that, and when she recovers/finishes, she'll look around, if you're what she wants? Good for you, if not, well, then she'll move on and find something else. Personally, you seem a lot more invested than she is. I wouldn't necessarily end things, I'd just start tapering down my investment in her, friend zone her, so to say, and start looking for a new option. If the new option works out well, good for you, if it doesn't, and she's really into you, when she notices you backing off and tapering down, she'll pursue it herself, and this time, seriously. She knows how you feel, you know how she feels, there's really no "talking about it" that needs to be done, no mixed messages, so...go from there Okay, I won't talk to her about this and all. I'll continue with what we're doing, and see after a month how things are going, how her behavior is. I was the one that says about dating exclusively, i'll stick to that. Now that we're dating for 2 months it'd feel really weird to suddenly date someone else on the side. I'll back off a little bit, before making drastic actions. See how she reacts to that. And give it a month and then reflect on how things are going. I'll keep in touch, thank you everyone.
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