False reconciliation. (Updated)

[Popsicle]

I am referring to married couples who have had cheating in their M and have experienced false reconciliation. I've been thinking about this topic and would like to hear your stories. What was it like? What did your WS say at first? Did they say all the right things at first, then changed later, or did they never quite say the right things but just wanted to continue with the status quo? Did they ever show true remorse in your eyes? What made you know it was false and when?

 

Thank you to anyone who shares their story in advance.

[Lion Heart]

False R can be gauged in many ways.

 

The most obvious is taking the A underground.

 

I think another is the WS having another A. I'd classify the R as false in this case but it's all in the eyes of the beholder.

 

For me R was as twisted as exWH is.

1) he never fully disclosed the extent of his infidelity. He kept banging on and ON about it being "only ONE FG AFFAIR! ALL THIS BS AND IT'S ONLY ONE!!!"

Many faux pas he said must've twigged in my mind for me to KNOW that it wasn't "only one".

The OW I phoned said "he was so good at this, it wasn't his first time". In fact OW told me WAY more than exWH would EVER tell me. Luckily I took NOTES! Lol.

 

He threw the OW under the bus immediately. In true serial cheater style.

 

So that meant I could easily play a game of "but she told me WAY more than that happened".

 

So after 9 months and all the OOW lol came out, I had done all I could to have my ducks in a row for D. But he wouldn't leave then....ugh.

 

2) false R was recognized even further by me when, after the OOW came out and he was under psychs of both kinds and medicated, he said that he'd been hiding his gambling addiction BUT THAT he expected me now to "turn a blind eye to all his future OW". Just be happy whenever I saw him rofl and expect nothing from him.

Wow that's just the kind of R I dreamt of! NOT. lol.

I was done anyway by then.

 

Ofcourse he still thought I was deeply in lerve with him.

He couldn't have been more wrong. Incredulous.

 

3) the 3rd and IMO and IME unmentioned false R us when the BS is not completely IN RECONCILIATION.

That was me.

I didn't have an RA or date nor seek anything from OM.

 

At the core of my belief system is that I don't tolerate cheating in any form from ANY MAN. End of.

 

I KNOW the deep love and commitment that I CAN give to a relationship. I believe I'm worth way more than a cheating anything. Bf, LDR, husband. Any previous relationship with a whiff of OW and I'm done.

 

So the R was false for me because even though I found LS and TRIED in earnest to R, I pretty much knew within seconds of that phonecall from WH that I was done. I put things in a plan on my shaky drive home with my shoulders convulsing. I carried each step out with precision.

 

Then fell apart WHEN he came back the next morning begging for another chance. I hated him. I often said I hated him more than E++on oil! And that's alot for an all out greenie lol.

 

So I went through all the physical motions of sex with shocking triggering. Forcing myself like a prostitute must IMO.

 

The way WH looked in his side of false R was:

A) like a scared kitten most of the time. Like I was gonna find out more and more at any moment. And I did.

B) ALL over the place from violent rage to weeping uncontrollably

C) an alcoholic

D) an unbelievably entitled thing

E) very confused all the time.

F) passive aggressive at best. I've learnt to ignore this lol. Put my demands in writing. Move forward regardless of anything he exhibits or withholds.

G) extremely irresponsible.

H) other wayward behaviours easily observed now. Nothings changed.

I) the cheaters handbook personified using all techniques on a wash, rinse, repeat cycle endlessly.

J) changing his passwords etc to his phone and accounts when he was probably set on the next OW.

K) refusing intimacy. Which I call passive aggressive if you knew his sex drive like I unfortunately have. But not holding hands etc. Stuff like that.

 

The way I looked (lol) was like:

A) an alcoholic for a whole month!

B) a blubbering mess.

C) a walking zombie

D) a fatigued exhausted mortar shelled ghost of myself triggering constantly. Incessantly for 5 months. Less as time went on. I've just about conquered these but they've turned into a 6th sense now which is helpful. I can predict to almost the words now, exactly what WH is blindsiding me with next. What his motivations are. 22 months out. Counting the days! Lol.

E) a woman fading away with no appetite at all. I think I lost close to 20kg. Possibly more. Everybody kept telling me that I looked great when I felt like shyte and told them so.

F) a woman gaining strength from the knowledge and support I gained from my LS peeps and IRL rising out of my past like glorious angels to hold me through my darkest hours.

G) a resurging articulate woman re-learning her profession and her vocabulary after D Day wiped it clean. It helped being able to articulate to WH himself exactly WHICH techniques from the Cheaters Handbook he was using on me. STINKING OF A FALSE R there!

H) I could articulate WHAT type of partner I wanted next 6 weeks out from D Day. He materialized so I'm endlessly grateful for my clarity there!

 

These were all in false R from both sides. Hence relevant to the topic and maybe helpful to OP wondering if they're in false R.

 

From my experience if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck then he's cheating :-).

 

Lion Heart

[l8estnews]

False R can be gauged in many ways.

 

The most obvious is taking the A underground.

 

I think another is the WS having another A. I'd classify the R as false in this case but it's all in the eyes of the beholder.

 

For me R was as twisted as exWH is.

1) he never fully disclosed the extent of his infidelity. He kept banging on and ON about it being "only ONE FG AFFAIR! ALL THIS BS AND IT'S ONLY ONE!!!"

Many faux pas he said must've twigged in my mind for me to KNOW that it wasn't "only one".

The OW I phoned said "he was so good at this, it wasn't his first time". In fact OW told me WAY more than exWH would EVER tell me. Luckily I took NOTES! Lol.

 

He threw the OW under the bus immediately. In true serial cheater style.

 

So that meant I could easily play a game of "but she told me WAY more than that happened".

 

So after 9 months and all the OOW lol came out, I had done all I could to have my ducks in a row for D. But he wouldn't leave then....ugh.

 

2) false R was recognized even further by me when, after the OOW came out and he was under psychs of both kinds and medicated, he said that he'd been hiding his gambling addiction BUT THAT he expected me now to "turn a blind eye to all his future OW". Just be happy whenever I saw him rofl and expect nothing from him.

Wow that's just the kind of R I dreamt of! NOT. lol.

I was done anyway by then.

 

Ofcourse he still thought I was deeply in lerve with him.

He couldn't have been more wrong. Incredulous.

 

3) the 3rd and IMO and IME unmentioned false R us when the BS is not completely IN RECONCILIATION.

That was me.

I didn't have an RA or date nor seek anything from OM.

 

At the core of my belief system is that I don't tolerate cheating in any form from ANY MAN. End of.

 

I KNOW the deep love and commitment that I CAN give to a relationship. I believe I'm worth way more than a cheating anything. Bf, LDR, husband. Any previous relationship with a whiff of OW and I'm done.

 

So the R was false for me because even though I found LS and TRIED in earnest to R, I pretty much knew within seconds of that phonecall from WH that I was done. I put things in a plan on my shaky drive home with my shoulders convulsing. I carried each step out with precision.

 

Then fell apart WHEN he came back the next morning begging for another chance. I hated him. I often said I hated him more than E++on oil! And that's alot for an all out greenie lol.

 

So I went through all the physical motions of sex with shocking triggering. Forcing myself like a prostitute must IMO.

 

The way WH looked in his side of false R was:

A) like a scared kitten most of the time. Like I was gonna find out more and more at any moment. And I did.

B) ALL over the place from violent rage to weeping uncontrollably

C) an alcoholic

D) an unbelievably entitled thing

E) very confused all the time.

F) passive aggressive at best. I've learnt to ignore this lol. Put my demands in writing. Move forward regardless of anything he exhibits or withholds.

G) extremely irresponsible.

H) other wayward behaviours easily observed now. Nothings changed.

I) the cheaters handbook personified using all techniques on a wash, rinse, repeat cycle endlessly.

J) changing his passwords etc to his phone and accounts when he was probably set on the next OW.

K) refusing intimacy. Which I call passive aggressive if you knew his sex drive like I unfortunately have. But not holding hands etc. Stuff like that.

 

The way I looked (lol) was like:

A) an alcoholic for a whole month!

B) a blubbering mess.

C) a walking zombie

D) a fatigued exhausted mortar shelled ghost of myself triggering constantly. Incessantly for 5 months. Less as time went on. I've just about conquered these but they've turned into a 6th sense now which is helpful. I can predict to almost the words now, exactly what WH is blindsiding me with next. What his motivations are. 22 months out. Counting the days! Lol.

E) a woman fading away with no appetite at all. I think I lost close to 20kg. Possibly more. Everybody kept telling me that I looked great when I felt like shyte and told them so.

F) a woman gaining strength from the knowledge and support I gained from my LS peeps and IRL rising out of my past like glorious angels to hold me through my darkest hours.

G) a resurging articulate woman re-learning her profession and her vocabulary after D Day wiped it clean. It helped being able to articulate to WH himself exactly WHICH techniques from the Cheaters Handbook he was using on me. STINKING OF A FALSE R there!

H) I could articulate WHAT type of partner I wanted next 6 weeks out from D Day. He materialized so I'm endlessly grateful for my clarity there!

 

These were all in false R from both sides. Hence relevant to the topic and maybe helpful to OP wondering if they're in false R.

 

From my experience if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck then he's cheating :-).

 

Lion Heart

 

 

Ohh, what a very juicy Affair story! Where is your xWH now?

[BetrayedH]

I consider our reconciliation to have been "false" because, while my wife promised NC and cried while she told me that I knew everything and that she would never lie to me again, she continued to have secretive contact with the OM and there was a ton she hadn't told me. The way it unfolded was through hypervigilance on my part. I kept investigating and kept finding more. Trickle-truth.

 

While I don't regret making the initial effort, I should have ended it sooner than I did. I was just trying to keep it together, especially for the kids. When the WS is making claims of wanting to fix things and is showing what appears to be remorse, you feel compelled to try. Eventually it was clear that she had continued lying the whole reconciliation (a good 6-8 months). That makes it a false reconciliation to me, even if she didn't necessarily sleep with the guy again.

 

My last discovery was a particularly heinous one. That did us in.

[flowergirl14]

First you learn about one affair. Then you learn about Craigslist encounters, Ashley Maddison account, co worker affair. Denying it all in the face of evidence. True, authentic reconcilation was never possible.. will never be possible. My advice would be if you see any signs of multiple infidelities or other shady behavior combined with infidelity well then don't bother with reconciliation because it will be false!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lion Heart, your post is a veritable thesis on false reconciliation. I guess something like this should be pinned at the top of the Infidelity or Marriage and Life Partnership forum. I guess all those who want to reconcile eg. Wes and others would do well to read through what you have experienced and what you learnt from it. Bravo! Well done.

[aileD]

Another type of false reconciliation is when they do cut off all contact, tell you everything, .....but neither of you do the work after that to make sure it doesn't happen again. Life gets in the way and you stop talking about it because it's a touchy subject...you stop MC maybe due to time or money constraints....you get back into the old routine and don't change the things in your relationship that make it vulnerable to an affair. You just coast along until you find yourself in the same situation again

[Popsicle]

Another type of false reconciliation is when they do cut off all contact, tell you everything, .....but neither of you do the work after that to make sure it doesn't happen again. Life gets in the way and you stop talking about it because it's a touchy subject...you stop MC maybe due to time or money constraints....you get back into the old routine and don't change the things in your relationship that make it vulnerable to an affair. You just coast along until you find yourself in the same situation again

 

Yes that's very true.

[Just a Guy]

Yes, but how often does that happen? I would think that after something as painful as an affair at least the BS would be hyper vigilant about things and would push the WS to toe the line as far as proceeding in a positive direction for true reconciliation. A few BS may not have the gumption needed to push the WS in the right direction because they are too weak willed or are so besotted with the WS that they will lap up anything the WS dishes out. Such BS render themselves open to rug sweeping and accepting whatever false justifications the WS dishes out to them and I guess they deserve whatever comes their way.

 

So I guess there will be some situations such as those painted by aileD but these should not be very frequent rather like the exception than the norm. Just a thought.

[Popsicle]

Yes, but how often does that happen? I would think that after something as painful as an affair at least the BS would be hyper vigilant about things and would push the WS to toe the line as far as proceeding in a positive direction for true reconciliation. A few BS may not have the gumption needed to push the WS in the right direction because they are too weak willed or are so besotted with the WS that they will lap up anything the WS dishes out. Such BS render themselves open to rug sweeping and accepting whatever false justifications the WS dishes out to them and I guess they deserve whatever comes their way.

 

So I guess there will be some situations such as those painted by aileD but these should not be very frequent rather like the exception than the norm. Just a thought.

 

I think you underestimate how weak people are. And let's not forget the power of comfort and fear of change and how that can cause people to rug sweep.

[heartwhole]

Shirley Glass says the following: http://www.shirleyglass.com/psychologytoday.htm

 

"Once the affair’s been discovered, the involved partner could have a sense of relief, if they hate lying and don’t see themself as having that kind of moral character. They’ll say, “I can’t understand how I could have done a thing like this, this is not the kind of person I am.”

 

Some people thrive on the game. For them, part of the passion and excitement of an affair is the lying and getting away with something forbidden. Often, since childhood, they’ve had a whole history of sneaking around. In the marriage, one partner may be fairly parental and judgmental while the other avoids conflict by not being open about things. The affair is an extension of a preexisting pattern.

 

There are some people who have characterological problems, and the affair may be a symptom of that. Such people lie on their taxes and about their accomplishments; they are fraudulent in business. When it’s characterological, I don’t know any way to rebuild trust; no one can ever be on sure footing with that person."

 

I think most people in false reconciliation have these "characterological problems." I think the kind of reconciliation AileD is describing might be better called failed, failing, or dysfunctional reconciliation because the WS is not knowingly deceiving the BS or him/herself in that case. I think the latter kind of rugsweeping reconciliation is probably more common than false reconciliation, but that's just a guess.