julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for two years. At the start he was attentive and seemed to be invested as much in our relationship as I was. Im at my wits end. I love him very much but personally cannot take the way he treats me poorly anymore. He does nothing for me. I can't name one thing that he does either at home or for me personally. I buy him gifts, show him attention, give him money, listen whenever he needs advice. Everything is all about him. He cant even lift his dirty clothes of the floor. I recently found him searching a womans name on his phone while he was on a stag with his friends. He was logged into my daughters pc. He denied it and blamed his friend. Said that the friend was using his iPad. I know for a fact this search was done on his phone so he has lied to me. He wants me to pay the mortgage when he has no money but yet refuses to put the house in half my name. He also accepts money of me to help pay towards his business even though I pay all the bills at home. Im so upset. I have been sick now for three days and he hasn't once tried to do anything to help me except for mumble when he's leaving in the mornings if i need anything. He has told me twice in arguments that he doesn't love me. Both times when i have caught him out lying. Prior to me he has had 2 relationships. The first one had a daughter to him that he takes nothing to do with. The second he had an affair, she left her husband and it lasted for four years. He has spent most of his adult life joining dating sites and hooking up with hundreds of women for sex. had i known any of the above before i moved in with him I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now. He is never in the wrong and when I'm upset he says I'm overreacting and I'm mental. My daughter lives with us she is young and I'm so afraid of up setting her. I really don't know how to deal with this. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to him but nothing changes. I truly feel at the moment he doesn't love me. He of course denies this and tells me I couldn't be further from the truth. If someone could please help me confirm that I'm not mental and his behaviour is not good it would really help me.
Haydn Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 He sounds like quite a catch.. I am afraid you would be better off without him. I can`t see anyway forward and it will get worse. 2
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 I know Haydn you are right I just need someone to clarify what I am feeling Thank You!!
Haydn Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I know Haydn you are right I just need someone to clarify what I am feeling Thank You!! It`s about your daughter really. A bloke like that, i doubt is a good influence. I am sure others here will have advice. But i`d leave him.
basil67 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I'd be out of there in a shot. What are your options for leaving?
Zahara Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Time to exit. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You're teaching her that this type of behavior from a man is acceptable and that this is what a relationship should entail. You already know your answer as to what you need to do. 1
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 i know i have to leave him its devastating though as i have put so much into making this relationship work. I don't understand how someone can be so selfish. Its not the type of person amused to being around never mind in a relationship with. I have sold my house so at the moment I have not got anywhere to go as in my own place. I can rent so i have been trying to find somewhere close to my daughters school. Nothing yet.
joseb Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I don't understand how someone can be so selfish. I don't understand why you would get in a relationship with a guy like this in the first place. Or why you want to stay in it. There is no point trying to figure out why he is selfish. He is what he is. Figure out what you have to do to leave. Once you start putting wheels in motion, it starts to get easier. 1
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 I don't understand why you would get in a relationship with a guy like this in the first place. Or why you want to stay in it. There is no point trying to figure out why he is selfish. He is what he is. Figure out what you have to do to leave. Once you start putting wheels in motion, it starts to get easier. His behaviour and the things that I found out have only came to light from when we moved in together. The person he presented himself to be and the person that he really is are worlds apart. Im trying to figure it out thats why I have asked for advice. I know the right thing to do. 1
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 This is no way to live. Don't waste the best years of your life on the wrong man. He can huff and puff all he wants that he loves you, he doesn't. You are simply convenient to him. Do not delay moving out, do it before the holidays. You don't need to live across your daughter's school, it's an unconscious excuse to delay your departure. Trust me, once you are out it will be a big relieve. 1
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Im trying to figure it out thats why I have asked for advice. I know the right thing to do. As Joseb said there is no point of figuring it out. He treats you badly, period. There is no underlying reason you can undo to change him. You know about his past, he has nothing good to show for.
joseb Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 His behaviour and the things that I found out have only came to light from when we moved in together. The person he presented himself to be and the person that he really is are worlds apart. ] Unfortunately that does happen. I've fallen for it once myself. You know the truth now though, and that's the real him. Im trying to figure it out thats why I have asked for advice. I know the right thing to do. Do you have anywhere to stay short term? While you look for something more permanent? Agree with Gaeta.We make up.all kinds of reasons in our head to avoid making difficult decisions. I think you know the right thing to do is move out. 1
BluesPower Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Yes, you need to get out. He is just using you and your money. How long did you date before you moved in together? This is a bad guy. I would rent something ASAP and end it. Good luck...
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 As Joseb said there is no point of figuring it out. He treats you badly, period. There is no underlying reason you can undo to change him. You know about his past, he has nothing good to show for. I know Gaeta you are right. Sometimes it takes advice from other people to re confirm what you already know. In my case it does. Im so upset. I spent 12 years on my own before him and i really believed with life experience i was making the right choice. Im upset at myself more than anything.
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Unfortunately that does happen. I've fallen for it once myself. You know the truth now though, and that's the real him. Do you have anywhere to stay short term? While you look for something more permanent? Agree with Gaeta.We make up.all kinds of reasons in our head to avoid making difficult decisions. I think you know the right thing to do is move out. I can go to my parents but they won't be back from vacation for 2 weeks. I know the right thing is to move out. Ive more respect for myself than to let this continue. 1
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Yes, you need to get out. He is just using you and your money. How long did you date before you moved in together? This is a bad guy. I would rent something ASAP and end it. Good luck... Yes he is definitely doing that We where together for about a year and a half before we moved in together. he's not a good guy I know that. Thank you
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I can go to my parents but they won't be back from vacation for 2 weeks. I know the right thing is to move out. Ive more respect for myself than to let this continue. You don't have a key to your parents? Or neighbor has it to water the plants? I assume you have a close relationship with them and they'd be ok with you using their home as a transition place for the next couple of weeks. Chances are you'd find an apartment before they come back.
Author julie1979 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 You don't have a key to your parents? Or neighbor has it to water the plants? I assume you have a close relationship with them and they'd be ok with you using their home as a transition place for the next couple of weeks. Chances are you'd find an apartment before they come back. No I don't have one nor a neighbour. My brothers live abroad. If i had the key I would go there. I'm looking now. There are apartments but twice my budget. I will keep looking.
Formerfiveo Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 On the bright side (and there is always one if you look hard enough) it's only 2 years. It could have been a lifetime. You've learned some painful but valuable lessons, and your life is only going to get better from here. You've made it this long, another 2 weeks won't matter much (I hope!) Just detach, do your thing, maybe start moving your things into storage and spend all your time with your daughter. Please let us know how the move goes. Best of luck to you! You've got this! 1
Toodaloo Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I have been reading these boards for a while now and I can tell you that when someone comes on and starts their post with the question "should I end this relationship?" the answer is invariably yes. I didn't read more than the first two paragraphs and my thoughts were that he is a lazy ass and you have rose tinted specs on. Get them off. Get yourself single, go meet a man who is better than this. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 His behaviour and the things that I found out have only came to light from when we moved in together. The person he presented himself to be and the person that he really is are worlds apart. Im trying to figure it out thats why I have asked for advice. I know the right thing to do. Well, that is part of the moving in scenario . . . it's another period for evaluating how the two of you mesh under the "daily" situations and seeing the "real" person. You really don't know a person until you've lived with them. The person he presented himself to be and the person that he really is are worlds apart. -- People put on their best "selves" for a while until they can't maintain the facade and/or until history starts rearing it's head. Some people can do that for quite a while but most people start dropping their guard, so to speak, much sooner. The ones who can do that for a long time are simply really good at deception -- deceiving others and themselves lot's of times. It's engrained in them. A character issue. This is your window of opportunity. You've seen the real him and now you need to decide if you can live with all that you know without walking on eggshells, wondering and keeping a watchful eye. That feeling sucks. You need to focus on you and your child and consider what's best for the child. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 The first thing you need to do is stop paying all bills that are not in your name. He will likely suddenly become a changed person, don't let him trick you in to giving him money or paying for anything. Use that money you would normally pay for his bills to stock away for yourself. Plan your packing, etc. and move in with your parents when you have a chance. I'm guessing if the picture is as bad as you paint it, if you give him the opportunity he will find a way to charm you into staying and paying. It's pretty clear you have already decided it is time to get out, not a matter of if but how. Use the next couple of weeks to plan an exit when the least amount of confrontation will happen. As far as your daughter, she more than likely knows the situation isn't great, it might be worse to stay for her sake. I'm guessing the environment is stressful to her now regardless of her knowing any specifics as kids pick up on those things. Things would probably be better for her in a different environment. 2
ChickiePops Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Step one is to stop paying any bills that aren't in your name! Edit: ha..the poster above says it all really.
gorf Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 2 years, now you are his personal servant. You are giving him too much and being taken for granted. If you want to stay, you will have to stop bending over for a guy who doesnt even try at this point. Stop what you are doing, dont take excuses, ask him straight out what you are here for in his life? What does he want with you? What does he see the two of you looking like in the next 2-5 years. If he describes a sorta friend who is a maid but uses the words 'love' in there, id really question him hard.
Toodaloo Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 2 years, now you are his personal servant. You are giving him too much and being taken for granted. If you want to stay, you will have to stop bending over for a guy who doesnt even try at this point. Stop what you are doing, dont take excuses, ask him straight out what you are here for in his life? What does he want with you? What does he see the two of you looking like in the next 2-5 years. If he describes a sorta friend who is a maid but uses the words 'love' in there, id really question him hard. I would also point out that this is how men treat the woman before the woman he marries. You are a convenience, that is all.
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