Kkristine Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) Time? I just got out of a 4-yr. relationship in June, and he was my first everything. I dealt with my 1st breakup, and the first time I was cheated on all in one. Might as well get it out of the way for experience, right? I've grown quite a bit, and I learned a lot about myself since then. I still can't shake this anxiety that I have about everything. I'm not sure if I'm feeling down still about the breakup OR the cheating. I find myself so fixated on that aspect, that other woman. I remember when we were on the verge of breaking up, I was telling my friends that I knew I'd be okay because I truly was not happy anymore. However, once I found out he was cheating, it was different ballgame. I still replay the initial moment I caught him, and laughing a minute prior telling myself I'm crazy for thinking he'd do anything like that. Why can't I just accept that it's over and move on? I know what he did was cowardly, so why can't I just let it go? I won't ever get my answers. I know that. But.. Edited October 12, 2016 by Kkristine
AT15 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 It happens in stages. Little by little. I made the mistake of not going full no contact. So, here I am a year later at stage one. And it hurts to remember the love that you once had for this person. He cheated on you. He has to live with that and so does she. Breathing thru the pain and not shooing it away helps dissipate the pain and it also shows you that you can handle it. You can handle the pain. No contact
aloneinaz Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Time? Yes along with absolute NC, no spying on social media, deleting his phone number and contact info, and blocking his phone and email. The other secret? NOT sitting around for months and months at home reliving a relationship that failed. It was your first. Everyone's first relationship fails. Get out there and date (if you're not) and enjoy your youth. It's only natural to focus all your thoughts on your last love when you don't have a current one. I was telling my friends that I knew I'd be okay because I truly was not happy anymore. This is what you need to focus on with your thoughts. However, once I found out he was cheating, it was different ballgame. Why was it a different ballgame? You contradicting what you're saying above. Why does the fact that he was cheating change your original thoughts that you were not happy or not? If anything, it should provide the final reinforcement that it was truly over. He moved on only didn't have the balls to end it with you before hooking up with someone new. Why can't I just accept that it's over and move on? I know what he did was cowardly, so why can't I just let it go? I won't ever get my answers. I know that. But.. There's no answer that anyone can give you to assuage your feelings. Only you can have the power to ACCEPT that your first R/S ran it's course and ended. Over thinking it will only keep you stuck where you are. It's your choice to say enough of this and move on w/your life. There's a LOT of truth to the statement of you don't get over your last until you have you new one.
Fair Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 There's no formula... everyone wants a magic formula, but there is none, you just have to ride it out. In the meantime... Keep a journal. Throw all your messy emotions into it until you've exhausted every last one. And someday you'll read back with a fresh perspective and wonder why you were attracted to that jerk in the first place. I gather, you're very young. So this is hardly the end of the world. Someone else will come along and make him that much easier to forget.
l8estnews Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I think the best subject you can use is how can you move on from your ex who cheated on you? I believe this is where you got all fixated with. I know because this is my very issue. Being cheated on gives you the feel of betrayal, being not enough, being played, being a loser,.... basically, being trampled on. You feel like stupid for being emotionally vulnerable to a person who basically broke you, and you wanted to do something, like revenge or anything that will take away the feeling of him getting the advantage over you. But there's none. He's happy, he got away with it with a new woman. My advice? CUT ALL CONTACT. You won't be able to see the outcome of his cheating if you just basically cut all contact with him. NO social media, no texts, calls, etc. If you have to see him every day, ignore. Do your best to just make him invisible. Time will heal you, and while waiting for that to happen, best revenge is to improve yourself. You'll thank yourself one day.
DeepVibeZ Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 In a word, acceptance. Accepting I didn't treat her in the way she deserved Accepting the reasons as to why Accepting her own faults Accepting she broke up for all the right reasons Accepting this was the kick up the ass I desperately needed Accepting the consequential pain, depression, anxiety and regret Accepting that she would be happier without me Accepting that she entered, and left my life for a reason That and NC, obviously
hippychick3 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Time is the only healer...as long as there is NC. Time only starts at the moment of NC and will reset every time there is any kind of contact at all. Allow yourself to grieve, pamper yourself, and stay busy with friends and family. 1
aloneinaz Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I think in the vast majority of times that either side cheats, it doesn't have anything to do with their current partner. In many cases, people who cheat are perfectly happy with their significant other. Cheating to them strokes their ego, provides excitement and provides a challenge. It's not always an indictment that they cheated due to a shortcoming of their partner. Yes, we all have known people who cheat because their partner holds out on sex with them or uses sex as a power play. Or, because the partner got comfortable and gained 50 pounds. Obviously, they should of ended the relationship before cheating. To my knowledge (lol) I have never been cheated on through many relationships. If it happened to me, I'd look at it and say to myself that I was with the wrong person and move on w/my life without them in it. It's sad how common cheating is these days but it's a risk that we all take when we enter a relationship.
Redhead14 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Time? I just got out of a 4-yr. relationship in June, and he was my first everything. I dealt with my 1st breakup, and the first time I was cheated on all in one. Might as well get it out of the way for experience, right? I've grown quite a bit, and I learned a lot about myself since then. I still can't shake this anxiety that I have about everything. I'm not sure if I'm feeling down still about the breakup OR the cheating. I find myself so fixated on that aspect, that other woman. I remember when we were on the verge of breaking up, I was telling my friends that I knew I'd be okay because I truly was not happy anymore. However, once I found out he was cheating, it was different ballgame. I still replay the initial moment I caught him, and laughing a minute prior telling myself I'm crazy for thinking he'd do anything like that. Why can't I just accept that it's over and move on? I know what he did was cowardly, so why can't I just let it go? I won't ever get my answers. I know that. But.. Acceptance and resolve . . . accept that there are things/people we cannot control and be resolved to not give a cheater anymore power over you. Don't give them anymore of your emotion or time. Do the grieving you need to do and do it in little bits. Set aside say, 1/2 an hour each day to grieve -- sit with the emotions and process. At the end of that time, you pick yourself up, force yourself, to do something else, anything else to distract you from the situation. Re-arrange your furniture, clean closets, do things you've been putting off. Do this each day and you will find that you start taking less time for that. And, try to think of that other woman and put yourself in her shoes, if you will. If he cheated on you, he'll likely cheat on her or if she knew about you all this time, put her in the same bucket as your BF and realize that she is just as guilty and of low character as he is. She's not some prize . . . and they deserve each other. You on the other hand, deserve so much better. Be patient with yourself and be good to yourself.
Recommended Posts