ItsAllConfusing Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 So I had a date and I ended up in his bed. I've been celibate for 9+ years and I just got tired of being a lonely prude. I got tired of waiting for a good guy. I just did it. I don't really regret it but I found out the guy just very recently broke things off with his ex. It has only been a month. If I knew his break up was still new i wouldn't have done anything. We've only had sex once and attempts to meet me are always an evening message on Friday asking if im free. Me asking him to plan in advance always ends up in I'll let you know and he does let me know the day of and he is always free. I always decline these last minute things. When I text him in response to his last minute meet ups it takes 3 to 4 days to get a response back. So this has got me believing I'm the back up plan, the distraction, the rebound girl. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a respectful friend with benefits, at least I think I do but maybe I'm not cut out for that . I've read at least 20 articles on whether he's into me. It's stressing me out and driving me nuts. I wish I did not care but I do. Any advice? How do I let him go?
BluesPower Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 So have another date and don't worry. If you think he is not being cool with things, tell him. See what he says. Was the sex good? If you don't want a BF the who cares if he is in to you or not as long as he takes care of business. If he does not work out for you, then find another one. Women usually have their pick of men they like. Just go have some fun. I mean 9 years is just too long. 1
Coldfire Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) Are you sure you want a FWB? We sometimes tend to deceive ourselves... If you are worried that you are his back up that makes me think that you want more than FWB. Please be careful and don't develop feelings if they are not reciprocated. Unfortunately the only way to prevent developing feeling for a guy you like and already had sex with is to stop seeing him. At least in my experience. Definitely try to not have sex with him until you have a better sense of the situation. Edited October 12, 2016 by Coldfire 1
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Well, how do you think fwb behave? It's exactly that, they text or call Friday night, are you free and would you like I come over! There is no prioritizing a fwb. It's spontaneous, last minute, not too much plans, yes that's how it is. If you want 'dates' then you don't want a fwb, you want to date. It's different. So what do you want exactly? If you don't know exactly what you want then you'll always end up finding something you don't want. 3
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) If you want to meet a nice guy then you need to start screening guys until you meet the someone you are compatible with. You shouldn't limit yourself to one option, especially one who doesn't appear that interested. How do you let him go? Well, you start by blocking his number (which I see from your previous thread that you already have) and you start doing on dates with other men. When you start getting attention from men who are really interested, you will start to forget all about this other guy. It may not seem like it right now but you can actually let this guy go relatively quickly because it was only a brief fling and he doesn't sound like that much of a catch. Right now you are just focusing too much energy on thinking about it which is why you care about it so much. Don't settle for mediocre. Edited October 12, 2016 by Scarlett.O'hara 3
Redhead14 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 So I had a date and I ended up in his bed. I've been celibate for 9+ years and I just got tired of being a lonely prude. I got tired of waiting for a good guy. I just did it. I don't really regret it but I found out the guy just very recently broke things off with his ex. It has only been a month. If I knew his break up was still new i wouldn't have done anything. We've only had sex once and attempts to meet me are always an evening message on Friday asking if im free. Me asking him to plan in advance always ends up in I'll let you know and he does let me know the day of and he is always free. I always decline these last minute things. When I text him in response to his last minute meet ups it takes 3 to 4 days to get a response back. So this has got me believing I'm the back up plan, the distraction, the rebound girl. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a respectful friend with benefits, at least I think I do but maybe I'm not cut out for that . I've read at least 20 articles on whether he's into me. It's stressing me out and driving me nuts. I wish I did not care but I do. Any advice? How do I let him go? Sweetie, his behavior is all about FWB and actually more like just FB (F buddy). I put FWB a step above FB. So this has got me believing I'm the back up plan, the distraction, the rebound girl -- Yeah, and? You say you don't want a boyfriend, so this is the type of guy/behavior you'll have to learn to accept. And, don't just tell yourself you'll be happy with FWB just because you think you'll get your foot in the door, so to speak, and then hope that the guy will develop feelings and a real relationship will develop because the likelihood of that is slim to none. If you enter into the FWB world, you need to be a strong, secure, independent woman with lots of other things going on so that you don't find yourself getting attached to those partners. Women have a very difficult time with these arrangements. They think they can do that, but they usually end up being very hurt.
Ami1uwant Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Friends with benefits is in essence bring a back up plan because the idea is each of you are still open to dating others.
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Im so confused by these terms like fb and fwb.
Leigh 87 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 If you want to meet a nice guy then you need to start screening guys until you meet the someone you are compatible with. You shouldn't limit yourself to one option, especially one who doesn't appear that interested. How do you let him go? Well, you start by blocking his number (which I see from your previous thread that you already have) and you start doing on dates with other men. When you start getting attention from men who are really interested, you will start to forget all about this other guy. It may not seem like it right now but you can actually let this guy go relatively quickly because it was only a brief fling and he doesn't sound like that much of a catch. Right now you are just focusing too much energy on thinking about it which is why you care about it so much. Don't settle for mediocre. This is so not policiticaly correct, however... Some women really don't have a whole lot of men interested. That is why many women cling on to any guy they happen to catch up with for a date; some women need to improve themselves before they can even attract decent men. Sorry but men are visual and also need personality. I personally was once in the OPs position. So I made some improvements and the decent guys ended up paying me attention. People make out like it so oh so easy to just wait for decent me to fall into their laps. Well hey, it simply doesn't happen for all women. All the men that are " truly interested " do not necessarily show up for all of us, without some major efforts.....
Redhead14 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Im so confused by these terms like fb and fwb. F buddy is just plain sex. You get together, get in bed and do it. FWB, in my mind, has a little more of a friendship quality, but it's still basically still all about sex. If you got into a sexual thing with this one, he's not your friend -- yet. You've only met him once. So if it continues, it's just plain old sex. There's a fine line between them, but that's how I distinguish it. Neither situation is good for most women, but some can and do deal with it well.
ChatroomHero Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 How I view FWB is when I have nothing else going on, let's get together. Not to do anything all that involved. It might sound bad, but if I have something better to do, I choose that over meeting up with the FWB. It sounds like you want someone to slowly date and form a deeper relationship with at some point in the future. It sounds like you want a relationship but want to go slow, not really a FWB situation. With my FWB, I may go a month without seeing or communicating. The one day she says, hey, what's up? We don't plan anything but it is a more, I'm in play thing. Then maybe the following Saturday we both do our thing and one of us sends a "what are you up to?" message at 11pm kind of thing. FWB isn't about respectful, thoughtful, relationship, normal contact or investing time. I think that is more of a slow, casual relationship you are after. FWB is more, I need attention right now, you free, you up for it? It sounds like you want something different than FWB and he wants FWB.
sunshine2 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Since you haven't had sex for 9 years, it seems that you did this for fun at first, but now like the guy and have started to attach to him. You say you want a FWB, but I think maybe you want more. I myself am not good with FWB situations and will not go there again. I got into a FWB not really even knowing what it was because I was newly divorced and dating and never heard of it before. I started to date a man who would contact me daily, and we would only see each other a couple times a month and it was for dinner and sex. He would spend the night though, so I was totally confused about this relationship. I thought since he chatted with me daily and he spent the night that we were moving towards a relationship. He told me one day that he didn't want a relationship, but I kept seeing him. Anyway, long story short that was a FWB and I fell for him and got hurt. Big lesson learned there.
Toodaloo Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Im so confused by these terms like fb and fwb. Don't even think about it with your history. OP use the guy for sex and a bit of gratification while you go find someone you want to be with. After 9 years it can be so good to know everything still works!!!! if you are busy or don't want to then don't pick up his call. You don't have to.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 This is so not policiticaly correct, however... Some women really don't have a whole lot of men interested. That is why many women cling on to any guy they happen to catch up with for a date; some women need to improve themselves before they can even attract decent men. Sorry but men are visual and also need personality. I personally was once in the OPs position. So I made some improvements and the decent guys ended up paying me attention. People make out like it so oh so easy to just wait for decent me to fall into their laps. Well hey, it simply doesn't happen for all women. All the men that are " truly interested " do not necessarily show up for all of us, without some major efforts..... Fair point. Putting effort into your appearance will help increase the odds of meeting someone decent, but in the meantime she still shouldn't settle for mediocre. Guys like the one she is describing can cause damage to a woman's self esteem in the long run. It must be a horrible feeling to have half her texts ignored until receiving a last minute call for a hookup/backup plan. That is just rude. You are right that plenty of women put up with it when they think they can't do better, but they can do better. There are so many wonderful men out there that at a minimum treat women with respect. 1
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