babylonsfire Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I've had a friend for about 15 years, we've lived in different states, had different relationships, and both ended up in a spot where we're single now. I'm a 31 y/o male, she's a 28 y/o female. We found out we lived within an hour and a half of each other and we both seemed, at least over phone and text genuinely excited to meet each other. We never really classified whether we were hanging out as friends or a date. We met up, went to a bar, had some drinks, food, and watched a game. The entire time, we had a lot of physical contact, and great conversation; it seemed like it almost couldn't go better than it was going. It "felt" a lot like a date. During conversation it came up that she was upset she lost a friend because he tried to kiss her. Prior to that point the thought hadn't really occurred to me, but then several more times during the night, we got close enough where that was a definite thought and possibility. I ultimately, didn't end up making a move since we've been friends for so long. She did end up dropping hints throughout the night though that she'd never date guys from the state we were in, and only from the state we came from; that she hated being single and stuck here, and didn't really get a chance to meet anyone out here; all knowing I'm single, with her, sipping drinks together on a comfy couch with a hand around her waist, and her leaning into me, caressing her hair. After the bar, we were going to head to dinner and a movie together and continue the night. She called her elderly grandfather to let him know (because she takes care of him) and he reminded her that she had already promised to make and eat dinner with him tonight, but it was ok, she could go out anyways. We felt bad, so she went home, and spent the night with him, and I headed back to my place. We parted with plans that we should "definitely" get together again very soon, a really nice hug, and some good conversation. I was even told to text her when I got home that night so she didn't worry about me. I texted her when I got home, really didn't get any replies, but we had had a long day, and it was late, so I figured no big deal. The next day, I texted her to let her know that I could make plans tomorrow for us to do the dinner and movie. Needless to say, with her school, and work, my work, and babysitter needs, (I have 2 kids) her grand father, coordinating things is a bit tough, so I sent her a few texts asking about it, and then confirming that I had made plans. She didn't respond for some time. A few hours later, she responded saying we really needed to talk about the amount of texts I had sent her (which was only like 4 or 5 that day, plus the 3 or 4 short ones from the night before, letting her know I had a good time, and I had made it home safe, and to have a good night); that she was really concerned at first, because she had a lot of missed texts when she got out of work, and then mad at me for texting her, then relieved that everything was ok. We proceeded to chat back and forth for like 15 minutes, she let me know that tomorrow wouldn't work because of school, work, etc.; that was fine, but we never setup a time for the second date, other than "some weekend soon". Now its been almost a day and a half again, and I haven't heard from her. I'm not sure what to think. Since I was the last one to send a text, I don't want to pressure her, and send another text immediately, and/or feel like I'm coming on too strong. On the other hand, we had a really good, genuinely awesome night, and scheduling another night does take some upfront work for both of us and time to coordinate. So the question is, should I go for it? Do you think I have something here? I'm not even concerned about the pace of things; fast or slow. I'm mostly concerned, that she's an awesome friend I had for years in the past, that we just started talking again, and I don't want to screw that up; on the other hand, we're both single, and it definitely felt like there was a lot of sparks and potential flying around. Advice appreciated, thanks!
angel.eyes Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 To summarize: She told you she dropped a "friend" because he tried to date her. (You have been friends with her since she was 13.)She was concerned about how many texts you sent her when she didn't respond after what you thought was a date. You thought your texting was a perfectly reasonable. (For the record, the 7-10 texts you claim to have sent when she didn't respond is way too much!)You tried to set up another date/whatever that was, and she stated she was busy at the time you picked. When you tried to lock down another time, you were left with "some weekend soon." That's a classic brush off, especially when someone is trying to minimize the awkwardness of a situation. There are no mixed messages here. From what you've shared, she isn't interested in more than friendship. This isn't going where you hoped it would go. Drop it. 4
Author babylonsfire Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 (edited) She was concerned about how many texts you sent her when she didn't respond after what you thought was a date. You thought your texting was a perfectly reasonable. (For the record, the 7-10 texts you claim to have sent when she didn't respond is way too much!)You tried to set up another date/whatever that was, and she stated she was busy at the time you picked. When you tried to lock down another time, you were left with "some weekend soon." We had lined up a date verbally for Tuesday night together, during the date. Our texting went like this, I didn't think I was "unreasonable". Though, considering she doesn't text much, I understood her point. SUNDAY: HER: Had a great time, really wanted to go out to see <movie xyz>, definitely need to do this again, and soon. HER: Text me when you get home, we're getting older you know now and I'll worry about you. HER: Just let me know if we're going to be out all night next time, I need a heads up. ME: I'm home and safe, sorry we didn't get to see the movie we wanted tonight. ME: Thought it was really cool you took care of your grandfather, and how in touch you are with his feelings. ME: Good night! Then: MONDAY: ME: I checked my schedule I can get out of work early tomorrow. ME: I can be there to pick you up at 6:30 for the 7 PM showing. ME: And there is dinner at the theater I picked so we can kill two birds with one stone. (about 6 hours later) ME: Hey I need to know if we're still on for tomorrow. ME: My sitter needs to know if she's keeping the boys for me or not tomorrow since I have visitation this week. ME: She can keep them all night, so timing isn't an issue, I just need to know. HER: Tomorrow won't work for me unfortunately, I just found out I'm working tomorrow and have a huge homework assignment to do for Wednesday HER: But seriously we need to talk about the amount of texts you are sending me HER: I panicked hard after work, I don't normally get texts unless its from my family and I thought something was wrong. HER: I had 9 messages! ME: I'm sorry, looking back I did send quite a few without a response. HER: It's all good, I was just honestly worried. HER: Then I was mad at you (smile emote) HER: Then happy it was just you and everything was ok (laugh emote) HER: And I'm sorry I didn't get back to you right away. HER: But I worked much later than normal and came straight home and made dinner for grandpa. HER: This is the first 5 min I've had to myself since I seen you yesterday ME: It's ok, yeah I looked back, I did send quite a few texts, I'm sorry ME: You watching the debate? HER: No, homework HER: Does Sunday work for you, weekends are better for me. ME: Maybe, Sunday might be bad this weekend I'll check. HER: Ok well we'll do some weekend soon, but I got to finish my homework. ME: Ok, good night, talk soon. So we did end on "some weekend soon", but we had already agreed to Tuesday before she found out last minute she had to work (which is understandable) and she suggested Sunday. I just simply wasn't sure if I could do Sunday, which turns out I can. Edited October 12, 2016 by babylonsfire
angel.eyes Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Okay. Your texting was fine. You had to arrange childcare if you were indeed going out. Get back to her about Sunday and see where it goes. Her actions when you make it clear you're trying to date her will be the best indication of whether she's actually interested in the friendship morphing into something romantic. 2
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 She isn't dropping hints about this could be more, or anything about being with you, or any sexual flirtations, innuendo of the sort. From what I see, she is just treating this like "friends". If there are no hearts at the end of those texts then you are seeing something that isn't there. TBH I wouldn't jump the gun just yet. Give it more time.
TooRational Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I also don't see the issue with your amount of texting. I find it strange that she would panic over receiving texts during the day. She never gets some from friends, really? Also kinda strange that she can't find one minute to check messages during the day. Bathroom breaks? I guess people have different expectations about texting. Since she doesn't seem to respond promptly, you could call her next time you need a fast answer.
Author babylonsfire Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 I also don't see the issue with your amount of texting. I find it strange that she would panic over receiving texts during the day. She never gets some from friends, really? Also kinda strange that she can't find one minute to check messages during the day. Bathroom breaks? I guess people have different expectations about texting. Since she doesn't seem to respond promptly, you could call her next time you need a fast answer. Actually, its true, she's never given her phone number out to most people, and even when we hung out, she almost never checked her phone, and what she did check on, was Facebook. She gets a lot of messages over Facebook, its how everyone else communicates with her; including her work and schoolmates. Phone number is actually pretty personal to her, she almost never gives it out. So a lot of messages on her phone could be pretty panicking.
katiegrl Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 When someone isn't promptly responding to a text message, I don't know why some folks recommend calling. If someone isn't replying to ta text, what makes anyone thinks he/she is gonna answer the phone? Makes no sense. Not to mention, many people (including myself) HATE talking on the phone. Would much rather receive a text or email.... that way I can respond when I'm available. If I am not available to answer a text, then no way I am gonna be available to answer the phone anyway. 1
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Actually, its true, she's never given her phone number out to most people, and even when we hung out, she almost never checked her phone, and what she did check on, was Facebook. She gets a lot of messages over Facebook, its how everyone else communicates with her; including her work and schoolmates. Phone number is actually pretty personal to her, she almost never gives it out. So a lot of messages on her phone could be pretty panicking. Well there you go that is why she doesn't hand out her phone# to everyone.....she gets all her messages (a lot) through FB. That's is why she panicked, because she wasn't expecting you to text her as much as everyone else does. Looks like she expects her phone# used for emergencies only, like from family and Gramps. At that moment she may have regretted giving you her phone#. And passively showed her discontent.
Author babylonsfire Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 When someone isn't promptly responding to a text message, I don't know why some folks recommend calling. If someone isn't replying to ta text, what makes anyone thinks he/she is gonna answer the phone? Makes no sense. Not to mention, many people (including myself) HATE talking on the phone. Would much rather receive a text or email.... that way I can respond when I'm available. If I am not available to answer a text, then no way I am gonna be available to answer the phone anyway. yeah, I generally agree with that sentiment, for both myself, and my experiences. I usually hate conversations over text. Over email/facebook its better, but not leagues, phone is better too, but problem with all of them, is you can't read emotions, body language, intimacy. I'd much rather talk in person, or skype/facetime/duo if that's not available, so you know exactly the level of interest and what's going on.
Author babylonsfire Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) Welp, thanks for the advice. I generally had thought this was going nowhere... Basically, I sent 2 or 3 more text messages, she apologized said she was busy, I tried to call her a few days later, no response, both our next two dates got blown off (that Tuesday and Sunday). We did end up on a short second date on Friday night to a local beach/fish fry, that got cutoff early, the date (or hangout, we hadn't clarified it yet) was a disaster. It was just a bad date, mostly due to no fault of our own; we sat next to crappy couples, after waiting almost 30 minutes only bar seating was available with no seats directly next to each other, we had to have the "entrance" to the bar between us or wait another 45 minutes and we were both on a time window, our food was undercooked disgusting fish, that was cold, waiter/server was unresponsive and rude, hit traffic both ways, way louder than normal crowds and music, there was almost no opportunity for physical contact, and we had to rush home due to time obligations. I did a quick text on Friday night to apologize and line up time for Sunday (the next time we were supposed to meet and both had a lot of free time), and never heard back from her until late in the night on Saturday letting me know Sunday wasn't really going to work out, that she had family coming in town she had to hang out with and it was a last minute thing and we could do this upcoming week, like maybe Wednesday or Thursday, but she wasn't sure if she could even commit to one of them or what time. So come Monday, I had wrote her off, had 2 more dates scheduled with other girls, but then, out of the blue, she called me Monday night; we ended up talking for almost 2 hours, laughing and just having a wonderful time; and her life really did just get ****storm busy last week. So we talked for almost another hour last night, just really wonderful talks, and are scheduled to go out for our third time on Sunday. (we didn't do during the week cause we're both busy this week) We even clarified that we were going on a date Sunday this time not just hanging out, locked down a time, and decided we don't care what else happens, we're making this Sunday happen, we even bought tickets to certain dinner events and such. The next week we've both got several days off and we're planning on getting together for them too. So I guess confidence gets the best of all of us sometimes, we tend to suspect the worst, I shouldn't have gotten caught up in my own head! She's just not much of a chatter through text which I'm perfectly ok with, and we both have crazy schedules. Thanks everyone! Edited October 19, 2016 by babylonsfire 2
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