lostinlove1234 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 So I'm new here and this might be kinda long. Been with my on and off boyfriend for 2 years, weve broke up multiple times and with each breakup it becomes more and more extreme. My background has a cheating/addict ex husband and tons of abandonment and trust issues that Ive never really worked thru, so every few months with my current relationship I get into my own head and self sabotage, dont get me wrong hes done things to cause fights too but primarily its my issues. I have a temper and get into breakdown mode, this last time started with a fight, I was out with friends drinking and became upset when he said he was busy with the guys that night and wouldn't see me, 99% of the time I dont care but this time something snapped and I proceeded to accuse him of cheating, called and called and when he didnt answer I told him to watch his back and I would see him at the bar. I was drunk and dont remember these threatening accusations, tho thats not an excuse it definitely would not have happened while sober, I even showed up to his house at 1am. Didnt knock, just sent him a picture saying I'm outside answer your door. He called the next morning and broke it off "indefinitely" Said I threatened his life and he would file a restraining order, then hung up and blocked me. I'm the type that if this is it I want my things back immediately and to cut contact. Him and I have a pattern of not talking and then months in we will see eachother and it starts all over. Honeymoon for a few months then a blow up. Its only been a few days, he has a key to my house and some other items I needed back, after trying to get ahold of him to no avail I showed up to leave his things on the porch, he opened the door as I walked up and freaked out saying I threatened his life and he was calling the police. I said I just want my things. cops showed up, they got my stuff, I left. I have never acted in this way, never showed up unannounced or sent awful texts, my issues in the past have been depression and pushing him away. I feel like such a fool for letting my emotions get the best of me and I all I want is for him to know I am sorry, sorry that it got to this point. I am starting weekly therapy next week, I'm quitting drinking for awhile and will try to move on. I just dont know if there is any salvaging this relationship after such a extreme incident.
Zahara Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 There is nothing to salvage. This relationship is broken. There is a reason you both have broken up multiple times. Focus on working through your issues and building a relationship with yourself, not with him or any other person. 3
Author lostinlove1234 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 I guess it's just hard for me to let go. I have 2 sons and other then their father this is the only man Ive allowed around he's always been such a good "stepdad" to them and even tho we have our own issues as a couple I've never loved or invested so much into a relationship. It hurts. 1
Zahara Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I guess it's just hard for me to let go. I have 2 sons and other then their father this is the only man Ive allowed around he's always been such a good "stepdad" to them and even tho we have our own issues as a couple I've never loved or invested so much into a relationship. It hurts. It's also important that this ends because you don't want to expose your sons to this kind of toxicity. It only teaches them that this kind of behavior is acceptable in a relationship and this is what a relationship should entail. It's also for the best that you get yourself together for your sons. It is hard to let go because you have an unhealthy attachment to him and the drama. You are addicted to the emotional swings so you're going to feel the withdrawals. Consider the word "love" -- it doesn't come with on and off, multiple break-ups and consistent volatility. I know I was in a toxic relationship and confused it for love -- when it was dependence and the inability to love myself enough to have boundaries and standards. It is going to hurt. But for the sake of your sons, move forward and show them what healthy means.
Author lostinlove1234 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Thanks for the replies. That is my plan, to mourn and then to heal from the death of this relationship. My kids deserve the best mother I can possibly be. I've gone thru far worse in my life and I know I can get thru it but you're right, it is withdrawals. It's as if I'm addicted to him. He's a hard habit to break and o think I'm finally at a point of helping myself. Therapy was tough for me to even think about but I have to break the cycle and I know I'm not strong enough to do it alone. 1
Kelley Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Love is a drug and heartbreak is the withdrawal. You are not alone, I'm also going through the same pain, as many here. Day by day I just try and get through it, and let time do the rest. Stay strong and take care.
BluesPower Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Don't sell yourself short, at the very least you realize that you have issue you need to deal with, that is a really good step. This relationship is dead and it sounds like it needs to be. For the longest time in my life I just thought everyone had the kind of drama that I had, until it stopped. Then it was like, wow, so this is how it is without all that crap in your life. It is just way better. Work on yourself and don't get into any relationships until you are stronger and know what you want out of life and a relationship.
aloneinaz Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Agree with the other posters. We've all stuck in with a toxic, unhealthy relationship for way too long. The keys for you is you know this and are open about addressing your issues. Take some time to go through therapy and work on what you feel you need to. Get yourself in a good place before dating again. In the meantime, I hope you've exchanged each others items so there is no further reason to have further contact. The best thing you could do is delete his number, block his or even better, change your phone number. You need to read the NC thread and not recycle that toxic relationship yet again. 1
Author lostinlove1234 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 It's such an extremely painful cycle and it's so hard for me to look at the bad and not the good, it's like all I can reflect on is how amazing things were and I keep defending his actions to walk away when I needed him the most. I have to realize that he is no good, not for me at least I have to find my happy and it doesn't lie within him. We have exchanged everything and have no other ties together. Other then the huge amount of mutual friends so unfortunately he pops up on social media etc, I will most likely take a break from the social media world till I heal. I've thought about changing my number but I feel that I would give into the temptation and call him. I'm having a hard time accepting that he's told everyone how insane I am, yes I had a crazy moment but to categorize my entire being is really bothering me.
BluesPower Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Your happiness should not be tied to a person or a relationship. You are responsible for your happiness and no one else. Sounds like you have a lot of dysfunction in your life. Take your time with the counseling, it takes time to unravel a lot of this stuff. But reading on the internet and books can help you sort through a lot of stuff. So don't just depend on a once per week counseling session to work magic. You can learn a lot by just reading. Most of all, figure out how to be happy without a man in your life. That way you can find someone that wants to be part of your happiness and join you in it. 1
aloneinaz Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Your happiness should not be tied to a person or a relationship. You are responsible for your happiness and no one else. Sounds like you have a lot of dysfunction in your life. Take your time with the counseling, it takes time to unravel a lot of this stuff. But reading on the internet and books can help you sort through a lot of stuff. So don't just depend on a once per week counseling session to work magic. You can learn a lot by just reading. Most of all, figure out how to be happy without a man in your life. That way you can find someone that wants to be part of your happiness and join you in it. This^^ You have to find happiness and peace with yourself. There's times in life where being alone and single is therapeutic and excellent for our happiness. This is your time. Don't look back at the good times of that relationship. If you're truly honest w/yourself and added up the bad times vs. the good times, you'll see the bad won. Most humans are nostalgic and we love to remanence about only the good. The reality is by the times relationships reach the stage where you two were, the relationship was a molten, radioactive mess. Focus on those thoughts.
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