Woodsman Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 So we have been together now for nearly 4 years. It's had rough patches, but nothing serious really. I thought we always trusted eachother. I never cared when she went our with friends, work late, etc. We live together, both have a kid from different relationships. We live in my house and she's been here with me and her daughter for 2 yrs now. I pay for mostly everything as I work full time, have a good job, etc. She is still in school working kinda part time. Last November she starts a huge fight how this relationship is going no where because I hadn't purposed yet. Which I wanted too but money and timing were necessary as I wanted it to be special. She makes me feel guilty. She accuses me of cheating on her with my boss and other women which is 100% false. So a few months later I proposed, she said yes. We were happy for a few months but something felt off. I just had this feeling in my gut like something wasn't right. I noticed something s were rifferent. She was more quick to accuse me of cheating if I was tired and not in the mood for sex or if she saw me getting messages on facebook. We had a fight over the weekend and it comes out that last year she was cheating on me with her boss. I felt so sick. Like hot flashes, stomach turning. I wanted her our of my home. After telling her I was disgusted with her and such and such I finally got her to go to her mother's with her daughter. I can't stand to think about it or even the thought of hearing her voice. So I start investigating a little and I think she had cheated on me a few times she says she is sorry, never do it again, blah blah blah blah. All I hear is lies. What do I do? Do u let this feeling pass and try to talk to her? Or just make it clear this is over? I feel like I will never be able to trust her. What if i try to be intimate with her if i do stay with her and all I think about is her with someone else? I'm 29, have a career, a mortgage, an 6 yr old son, I'm a normal guy that's been ****ed over by the person he loved most and trusted above all and now I'm feeling lost.
Pete2304 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 So we have been together now for nearly 4 years. It's had rough patches, but nothing serious really. I thought we always trusted eachother. I never cared when she went our with friends, work late, etc. We live together, both have a kid from different relationships. We live in my house and she's been here with me and her daughter for 2 yrs now. I pay for mostly everything as I work full time, have a good job, etc. She is still in school working kinda part time. Last November she starts a huge fight how this relationship is going no where because I hadn't purposed yet. Which I wanted too but money and timing were necessary as I wanted it to be special. She makes me feel guilty. She accuses me of cheating on her with my boss and other women which is 100% false. So a few months later I proposed, she said yes. We were happy for a few months but something felt off. I just had this feeling in my gut like something wasn't right. I noticed something s were rifferent. She was more quick to accuse me of cheating if I was tired and not in the mood for sex or if she saw me getting messages on facebook. We had a fight over the weekend and it comes out that last year she was cheating on me with her boss. I felt so sick. Like hot flashes, stomach turning. I wanted her our of my home. After telling her I was disgusted with her and such and such I finally got her to go to her mother's with her daughter. I can't stand to think about it or even the thought of hearing her voice. So I start investigating a little and I think she had cheated on me a few times she says she is sorry, never do it again, blah blah blah blah. All I hear is lies. What do I do? Do u let this feeling pass and try to talk to her? Or just make it clear this is over? I feel like I will never be able to trust her. What if i try to be intimate with her if i do stay with her and all I think about is her with someone else? I'm 29, have a career, a mortgage, an 6 yr old son, I'm a normal guy that's been ****ed over by the person he loved most and trusted above all and now I'm feeling lost. Since nobody else has responded mate I will. I proposed to my ex wife after she had behaved in a very similar way. Did I love her? Yes. Did I propose for the right reasons? Probably not. I was scared to death of losing her so I proposed, thought that would fix everything. We got married in the end but it didn't fix things. The knowledge that the woman you love has been with another man is going to hurt like hell for a bloody long time. I get where you're at, that wave of nausea like you're at the top of a rollercoaster, the crippling feeling that can stop you dead in your tracks while you're doing something as mundane as doing your food shop. Because you start thinking about doing your shopping with her and then in an instant you think about her buying her groceries with someone else and it hits. And it hits hard. As for advice, I did some investigating too and I would say this to you: don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to. My wife told me she was with someone else and by asking mutual friends and looking around on Facebook etc etc I found about a level of deceit that I truly wish I hadn't. I will say the same to you as I said on another thread started tonight (and I'm by no means the ruddy oracle just that I've been crapped on in the same way you have). You will go back if she rings, if you stop begging her for answers, leave her for a few days/weeks, chances are she will be sat thinking about you one night and will text or call. And you will go running. Doesn't matter what your friends or family say, you will do it. You might sleep with her, you might even get back together but in the back of your mind and if you are honest with yourself, you will know that you won't ever look at her quite the same again. It's broken, that love, that glorious naivety that comes with any new relationship is broken. I also have a 6 year old son (well he thinks I'm his dad and I love him as my own but he was conceived due to an affair my wife had but he's my son as far as I see it) and I'm also a normal, nice guy. I'm 31 so pretty much the same. This is going to be a horrible time and it won't get better any time soon. When you go back, or when you let her back into your heart and she hurts you again, just ask yourself if you truly feel the same and could trust her again or if in fact you are clinging on to something that's already gone. Good luck mate whatever happens. 3
ChickiePops Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You dump her. That's what you do. You're not even married yet and she cheated. What happens if you have kids? How would you even know they were yours? 2
Poutrew Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You did what you needed to do man. Your next move is to remove all traces of her from your domicile. Think: a spiritual fumigation. Then just go No Contact. She's her mama's problem now... 3
LostOnes05 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Dump her. She cheated and tried to project her actions on you. She's out...and not to be let back in. Don't do the stupid thing and have breakup sex or anything like that. You'll run the risk of her getting pregnant on purpose to get you for the next 18-21 years. Get your keys from her and tell her you hope she gets a promotion for all her hard work. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 This relationship is over. It wasn't a one-time, drunken kiss with someone random in a bar. It was a year of intentional deception, with her boss. It was a year of projecting on you, accepting your proposal...all while knowing she was into some other man. Essentially, the woman you thought you knew is gone and had been for some time. You will never be able to trust her again. She showed you loud and clear she is not ready for a commitment and doesn't respect you at all. She also doesn't love you, needless to say. Good for you for getting her out of your house. Make her stay out. You are still young enough to find an honest and respectable/respectful woman to share your life with. Don't waste your time on a jerk like her. 2
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I feel like I will never be able to trust her. You won't, because she ruined it completely. If you had three little kids and a long marriage behind you then you could go down the MC/IC route, and spend years and even decades "reconciling" and "in hell", but even after all that, you still probably wouldn't trust her. As this is a short term relationship it is best you just move on. You already did the hard part in telling her to go. Do not be a doormat and forgive her as the forum is littered with people who say - "He/she cheated on me when we were engaged, and I forgave him/her as I loved him/her, and now he/she is cheating again, but now we have three small kids and a big mortgage, what do I do?" She is not a good person, she bulldozed you into proposing to her knowing she cheated on you. You can do so much better than that. 2
doyathinkso Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 She should be your EX-fiance. She has failed the test miserably and should be given the boot ASAP! 2
kgcolonel Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I am in agreement with the others here but looking at it from a different angle. Your child doesn't need this drama nor does her child. Most second marriages fail....almost all second / third marriages where kids are brought into the mix fail...what kind of stability are you offering your child with these odds? As a well know psychologist has said, if you knew that the plane you were about to get on had a 70% chance to crash, would you put your child on that plane and climb on yourself? Your are fortunate in that you saw who she was before the wedding. She's out.
Author Woodsman Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I feel embarrassed trying to talk to friends family about it. I do more want to air the dirty laundry for all to know, bit eventually people will notice that we are not togetber. I feel ashamed to have to tell people, almoat like it was my fault. I know that isn't true but it's just torn such a hole I don't know how to feel. I have not let her see me and only return when I'm not here to start getting her stuff but each time it's little bits, so I know she is using it to buy time. I just want to box everything of hers and put it in the drive way with a tarp over it for her to come get. Out of this whole thing l feel the worst about the kids. But I know they should not see any of this and I have done everything I can to block my son from being part if it.
Chi townD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Sorry dude. I know all of this is tough to hear. Especially, from people that haven't put in the time, effort and emotions that you have. But, you need to let this one go. Dude, she gave herself to another man when she promised herself to you. Dude, time for you to focus on you and you being the best father you can be. Time to heal and move on dude.
Redhead14 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 So we have been together now for nearly 4 years. It's had rough patches, but nothing serious really. I thought we always trusted eachother. I never cared when she went our with friends, work late, etc. We live together, both have a kid from different relationships. We live in my house and she's been here with me and her daughter for 2 yrs now. I pay for mostly everything as I work full time, have a good job, etc. She is still in school working kinda part time. Last November she starts a huge fight how this relationship is going no where because I hadn't purposed yet. Which I wanted too but money and timing were necessary as I wanted it to be special. She makes me feel guilty. She accuses me of cheating on her with my boss and other women which is 100% false. So a few months later I proposed, she said yes. We were happy for a few months but something felt off. I just had this feeling in my gut like something wasn't right. I noticed something s were rifferent. She was more quick to accuse me of cheating if I was tired and not in the mood for sex or if she saw me getting messages on facebook. We had a fight over the weekend and it comes out that last year she was cheating on me with her boss. I felt so sick. Like hot flashes, stomach turning. I wanted her our of my home. After telling her I was disgusted with her and such and such I finally got her to go to her mother's with her daughter. I can't stand to think about it or even the thought of hearing her voice. So I start investigating a little and I think she had cheated on me a few times she says she is sorry, never do it again, blah blah blah blah. All I hear is lies. What do I do? Do u let this feeling pass and try to talk to her? Or just make it clear this is over? I feel like I will never be able to trust her. What if i try to be intimate with her if i do stay with her and all I think about is her with someone else? I'm 29, have a career, a mortgage, an 6 yr old son, I'm a normal guy that's been ****ed over by the person he loved most and trusted above all and now I'm feeling lost. This was a long/protracted period of deceit, not a one time "mistake" (although one time would be all it took for me to bail). She has demonstrated to you that she cannot be trusted and is very good at lying and keeping things on the down low. If you stay with her, you will spend many years walking on eggshells, wondering, questioning her every move. Move on. You and your son deserve better. This is not a role model I would want to expose my son to . . . 1
bummer Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I just want to box everything of hers and put it in the drive way with a tarp over it for her to come get. Do it. Mean and clean as it should be.
aloneinaz Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You owe her nothing now. Not more time to collect her things on her schedule or anything else. I would of collected all her things the day I kicked her out. Boxed them up, etc.. If she refused to get them, I'd of hauled them to a storage place. It would of been worth every penny to place them in there so cleanse your home of her. As the others have stated, there were HUGE red flags. I would of ran the moment she told me I needed to propose to her. Who does that? Really? Again, flush your home of her stuff. Change your locks. Put her in the rear view mirror and don't look back. BTW, don't beat yourself up about her cheating. It demonstrates her character and in most cases, has nothing to do with their partner. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I feel embarrassed trying to talk to friends family about it. I do more want to air the dirty laundry for all to know, bit eventually people will notice that we are not togetber. I feel ashamed to have to tell people, almoat like it was my fault. I know that isn't true but it's just torn such a hole I don't know how to feel. I have not let her see me and only return when I'm not here to start getting her stuff but each time it's little bits, so I know she is using it to buy time. I just want to box everything of hers and put it in the drive way with a tarp over it for her to come get. Out of this whole thing l feel the worst about the kids. But I know they should not see any of this and I have done everything I can to block my son from being part if it. Go ahead and pack up her things and put them outside. Text her that her things are there and she needs to pick them up by Xday, otherwise, you will put them to the curb. 1
Author Woodsman Posted October 15, 2016 Author Posted October 15, 2016 So this week was tough. She tried coming over again and wouldn't leave, finally got her to leave after 30mins of arguing and she refused to take more of her stuff. The other night I notice my tablet going off. I have a few of them and I know my son tend to leave them on. Well, Sara left her messenger up on my tablet...she was already talking to one of her ex's after she left my house! Asking why they broke up and then she told him what she did blah blah blah. Turns out she cheated on him too and he dumped her. Looked like he wanted nothing to do with her based on the convo. So tonight after I put my son to bed I packed everything of hers into boxes and bags and put it in the garage. GInna change the house locks and tell her to come get her stuff out of the garage while I'm at work so I don't have to see her. I havent ousted her to my friends yet. My mother and brother know, and of course all of you random strangers. Thanks for helping me vent. This is the second long term relationship I have been in where I was cheated in for an extended period of time and lied too. *sigh* 1
LostOnes05 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 So this week was tough. She tried coming over again and wouldn't leave, finally got her to leave after 30mins of arguing and she refused to take more of her stuff. The other night I notice my tablet going off. I have a few of them and I know my son tend to leave them on. Well, Sara left her messenger up on my tablet...she was already talking to one of her ex's after she left my house! Asking why they broke up and then she told him what she did blah blah blah. Turns out she cheated on him too and he dumped her. Looked like he wanted nothing to do with her based on the convo. So tonight after I put my son to bed I packed everything of hers into boxes and bags and put it in the garage. GInna change the house locks and tell her to come get her stuff out of the garage while I'm at work so I don't have to see her. I havent ousted her to my friends yet. My mother and brother know, and of course all of you random strangers. Thanks for helping me vent. This is the second long term relationship I have been in where I was cheated in for an extended period of time and lied too. *sigh* Ahh, join the club bro. We'll get t-shirts made or something. You should print out the conversation with her ex and put it in the box with the rest of her things. Let her know that she is pretty despicable with her own words. You'll be alright. People like this aren't worth losing sleep over. Odds are she'll be back with some sob story, but remember to ignore, ignore, ignore! Best of luck!
doyathinkso Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 Don't delay. Let everyone know now so that she can't spin her web of lies and make you look like the bad guy.
Author Woodsman Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Today us the last day. Her step father is bringig a trailer topic up her furniture and remaining boxes. She continues to harass me through texts and cane over yesterday just to grab a few things and try to fight. Now she is saying I cheated on her too and I don't have the gits to tell her because then the relationship failing wouldn't be all her fault. Which none of that is true. I am not perfect. I'm dedicated to my career and work extremely hard. Were there days where I was beat and mentally drained, absolutely. But she knew from the beginning that I had a career that is stressful and requires me to work as hard as pissible, but had no problem with living a lifestyle that she took for granted. Almost over 1
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Today us the last day. Almost over People like this suck the life out of you. YOU did the right thing here. I always found that break ups where there is an obvious reason for the break up are easier, as there is no ifs, buts and maybes. There IS no going back, so you can only move forward. You'll be fine.
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