I'm lost, she's gone... I'm really dying.

[Griev]

Hello.

 

This is the first time I ever write into a forum, I decided to do it because everyone else is tired of me talking about my depression and problems, but I am completely desperate.

 

2 months ago my ex and I decided to give ourselves some time apart, I agreed because I thought it was a good idea to have some time for myself so I could improve, work and come back even stronger. I was so exited about the idea, sadly two days after this "time" I saw her with another guy, the pain was unbearable, so I drank and stop eating for almost 2 weeks until my body could not stand it anymore, then she came, she was worried and told me that it's over, that she couldn't take it anymore, she promised not to ever talk to me again.

 

I was completely destroyed, I lost my job, I was drinking a lot... But slowly getting better and better. A month ago she texted me asking me to meet, we had an awesome night, and out of nothing she decided to kiss me, she asked me if I kissed anyone in this month, I told her that I just couldn't even think about it, she said that she didn't either, so... we were holding hands, kissing, hugging the whole night. Next day she told me it was a mistake, that she ****ed it up, and told me she was leaving again. She travel, and in an act of craziness I decided to follow her, she was so pleased with the idea of meeting me there, we had couple of incredible days, sadly every night we fought again when I tried to hold her hand, she just told me it's over and that she would never be with me. Even though the trip was sort of ok, with lots of happy moments, next day she told me it was a huge mistake, so she blocked me again.

 

A month ago I saw a bartender sitting alone, I have seen her before, and she seemed quite sad, so I asked what was wrong, she said that she was so sad about her ex boyfriend, because her ex boyfriend was having sex with a girl. She kept telling me more and more, until I asked the name of this girl, it was my ex. I came back home, I was so depressed I message my ex a thousand times. Next day she came to my house to tell me that it's a lie, that she didn't have sex with anyone, he indeed met this guy, but only twice, she said he was a friend... so she wanted me to meet this bartender and her ex so we can talk about this, for some reason we couldn't reach them, so she left pissed again, telling me she would never talk to me again... Two days later, she invited me to party, she asked me to just have fun and don't think about anything, (I couldn't believe it, it was so crazy, after everything she wanted to meet me again) although she forgot to mention she didn't have any money, so I payed for everything, anyways we had an awesome night again. Since then we have been seen each other almost everyday, I have been trying to be super nice, and much more caring than ever. I ask about this guy every now and then, she said that I can't tell her not to meet this guy, but that she would do whatever she think is best. she said he tried to reach her, but that she stop replying to him. I know she has no money right now, so I have been taking care of everything, I bought her food, drinks, whatever she wants, although I don't have much money left either. (I feel a bit used, because I have been trying to be nice, and I have a feeling that once she has money again she'll forget about me... I also have a feeling that when she gets pissed at me she would go back to talk with this guy again.)

 

Today, last thing she said, is that even if we keep hanging out, we won't ever be together ever again. She kept telling me she loves me, but we just can't be together.

 

I love her, with all my heart, I want to be with her, and even if she had sex with someone else, I should be understanding, because we were and we are not together.

 

I think I need to have the control back, I hate playing games, but I feel I have no choice, so I'm going to be nice to her, and every single time with her I'm going to do my best to make her happy, I won't try to hug her or hold her hand anymore, even if I'm dying, I'm going to try to be strong. Then after a couple of weeks, I'll ask her one more time, and if she says that she doesn't wants to be with me, I'll leave. I believe at some point she might miss me and realize what she just lost and probably would like to try again.

 

Can anyone please, give me some thoughts about this. How can I make her back? How can I be with her again? I believe that I have to fight for my beliefs, so I'm not willing to give up just yet.

[Blanco]

I think I need to have the control back, I hate playing games, but I feel I have no choice, so I'm going to be nice to her, and every single time with her I'm going to do my best to make her happy, I won't try to hug her or hold her hand anymore, even if I'm dying, I'm going to try to be strong. Then after a couple of weeks, I'll ask her one more time, and if she says that she doesn't wants to be with me, I'll leave. I believe at some point she might miss me and realize what she just lost and probably would like to try again.

 

Can anyone please, give me some thoughts about this. How can I make her back? How can I be with her again? I believe that I have to fight for my beliefs, so I'm not willing to give up just yet.

 

This is going to have the opposite effect. I get it. You're desperate. You want to believe there's something you can do or not do to make her come back to you. But the truth is: You can't.

 

You cannot control her, and trust me, pretending to be calm, cool, and collected around her is not going to make her more likely to come back to you.

 

It's good to have strong convictions and be willing to stand tall for what you believe in. Unfortunately, that's not totally applicable to relationships. If someone says they don't want to be with you, you have to respect that. It doesn't matter if you want that person with all your heart. To take refuse to take "no" for an answer, you aren't fighting for your beliefs; you're disrespecting her and what she wants.

 

You need to let this girl go. It seems impossible, but it isn't. You're only going to make things worse for yourself if you try to stay in her orbit and win her back. She's being kind right now, but you will find that quickly changes the more you refuse to respect her wishes.

[Griev]

Thank you very much for your answer, I don't really want to disrespect her, It's just that I don't know what am I for her. She knows how much I love her, she knows what she means to me. And she keeps telling me we can't be friends, but still she messages me everyday. I've tried to be really nice and kind, but nothing seems to change. She hugs me, kisses me and hold my hand whenever she pleases. I can't understand why she gets so pissed if I do the same.

[LostOnes05]

You're doing yourself a disservice by following this woman like a new puppy. She told you it's over and doesn't want to be with you. Yea, she is giving some mixed signals but she keeps pulling back so you need to as well...LET HER GO. Not only that, but you are paying for parties and stuff for someone who doesn't want you...are you kidding me? Your guy friends should shake the crappy outta you to wake you up. You're right about one thing, when she dries up all your money she'll be gone again. She invites you out because she knows you'll pay for her...STOP THAT!!

 

Shock her first once and be busy or just better yet just ignore her.

[Griev]

Maybe this mixed signals are just because she might be confused and maybe she does wants to be with me a little bit, I believe her heart is telling her one thing, her brain says other. I don't mind about the money, I don't think she could do that to me and just drain all my money and emotions without caring. Although sometimes it feels a bit like that. How can she do that to me? After all these years together...

 

There must be a way, to not just give up and make her realize that we can be together again.

 

And nope, my friends wouldn't do anything anymore, everyone turned their back on me, they said they are tired of me being with her and then on the ground because of her again and again.

[Pete2304]

Hello.

 

This is the first time I ever write into a forum, I decided to do it because everyone else is tired of me talking about my depression and problems, but I am completely desperate.

 

2 months ago my ex and I decided to give ourselves some time apart, I agreed because I thought it was a good idea to have some time for myself so I could improve, work and come back even stronger. I was so exited about the idea, sadly two days after this "time" I saw her with another guy, the pain was unbearable, so I drank and stop eating for almost 2 weeks until my body could not stand it anymore, then she came, she was worried and told me that it's over, that she couldn't take it anymore, she promised not to ever talk to me again.

 

I was completely destroyed, I lost my job, I was drinking a lot... But slowly getting better and better. A month ago she texted me asking me to meet, we had an awesome night, and out of nothing she decided to kiss me, she asked me if I kissed anyone in this month, I told her that I just couldn't even think about it, she said that she didn't either, so... we were holding hands, kissing, hugging the whole night. Next day she told me it was a mistake, that she ****ed it up, and told me she was leaving again. She travel, and in an act of craziness I decided to follow her, she was so pleased with the idea of meeting me there, we had couple of incredible days, sadly every night we fought again when I tried to hold her hand, she just told me it's over and that she would never be with me. Even though the trip was sort of ok, with lots of happy moments, next day she told me it was a huge mistake, so she blocked me again.

 

A month ago I saw a bartender sitting alone, I have seen her before, and she seemed quite sad, so I asked what was wrong, she said that she was so sad about her ex boyfriend, because her ex boyfriend was having sex with a girl. She kept telling me more and more, until I asked the name of this girl, it was my ex. I came back home, I was so depressed I message my ex a thousand times. Next day she came to my house to tell me that it's a lie, that she didn't have sex with anyone, he indeed met this guy, but only twice, she said he was a friend... so she wanted me to meet this bartender and her ex so we can talk about this, for some reason we couldn't reach them, so she left pissed again, telling me she would never talk to me again... Two days later, she invited me to party, she asked me to just have fun and don't think about anything, (I couldn't believe it, it was so crazy, after everything she wanted to meet me again) although she forgot to mention she didn't have any money, so I payed for everything, anyways we had an awesome night again. Since then we have been seen each other almost everyday, I have been trying to be super nice, and much more caring than ever. I ask about this guy every now and then, she said that I can't tell her not to meet this guy, but that she would do whatever she think is best. she said he tried to reach her, but that she stop replying to him. I know she has no money right now, so I have been taking care of everything, I bought her food, drinks, whatever she wants, although I don't have much money left either. (I feel a bit used, because I have been trying to be nice, and I have a feeling that once she has money again she'll forget about me... I also have a feeling that when she gets pissed at me she would go back to talk with this guy again.)

 

Today, last thing she said, is that even if we keep hanging out, we won't ever be together ever again. She kept telling me she loves me, but we just can't be together.

 

I love her, with all my heart, I want to be with her, and even if she had sex with someone else, I should be understanding, because we were and we are not together.

 

I think I need to have the control back, I hate playing games, but I feel I have no choice, so I'm going to be nice to her, and every single time with her I'm going to do my best to make her happy, I won't try to hug her or hold her hand anymore, even if I'm dying, I'm going to try to be strong. Then after a couple of weeks, I'll ask her one more time, and if she says that she doesn't wants to be with me, I'll leave. I believe at some point she might miss me and realize what she just lost and probably would like to try again.

 

Can anyone please, give me some thoughts about this. How can I make her back? How can I be with her again? I believe that I have to fight for my beliefs, so I'm not willing to give up just yet.

 

I sympathise, truly I do. You won't just ask her one more time, you probably won't leave it a couple of weeks. Chances are you will ask her another 20 times or more because desperation does silly things to people. Of all the things I've learned through a rubbish 10 year marriage, one thing I've tried to pass on to people here is that desperation doesn't work. Now I don't know if your relationship is worth saving, if she is better off without you or you without her but I can assure you desperation won't work. I had, again, a phone call from my ex wife tonight which I knew full well was going to happen because I haven't spoken to her in a week and I knew at some point she would ring. For the record I hung up on after a few minutes because she was drunk but that's me.

 

The sex thing is a problem, you say it's not but you're thinking about it so it is a problem. I felt the same and convinced myself that I would take my ex back even knowing she'd been sleeping with someone else recently but I'm actual fact when I had the chance to sleep with her a couple of weeks back things just weren't the same and I think you may find that also. It bloody hurts and it won't go away for a long long time but I've had to be honest with myself and truthfully answer the question "would I ever in truth, feel the same about her again?" I knew in my heart when I thought that through that it was over.

[bummer]

Maybe this mixed signals are just because she might be confused and maybe she does wants to be with me a little bit, I believe her heart is telling her one thing, her brain says other. I don't mind about the money, I don't think she could do that to me and just drain all my money and emotions without caring. Although sometimes it feels a bit like that. How can she do that to me? After all these years together...

 

There must be a way, to not just give up and make her realize that we can be together again.

 

And nope, my friends wouldn't do anything anymore, everyone turned their back on me, they said they are tired of me being with her and then on the ground because of her again and again.

 

You're chasing a ghost who wants it all her way with no compromise. Your friends are giving you a big clue by ignoring you. They are showing disapproval for the fact you have lost all self-respect and dignity. You are not you when you just chase her.

 

Be you. Your better judgment, your friends, and most of us on here want you to wake up and walk away. You'll come back to read this in a year and wonder why you would persist to hold hope for someone who doesn't want you, won't be your friend, and just wants to use you because she's weak-willed as well.

 

Be strong and walk away.

[Griev]

Thank you very much for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts.

 

I don't want to be desperate, but I think I rather keep her close and be nice to her, and in the meantime try to improve myself and be strong, commit into something, and work hard, I think I will need to find something else to cling into, so I can be back on the right track. I guess, I'll let her miss me a bit, let her text me when she feels like it, but this time I won't always be available for her. I'll take it slow, and try to remind myself everyday that it's over. Hopefully, I might be able to get into a point that I can see everything clearly, and have a better idea to choose if she is the best option for me. Hopefully if she sees that I'm getting better and confident each day, she'll fall in love with me again. (I have been thinking, and I remember something... the day when we saw each other and she kissed me, I was being confident, I was telling her how happy I was, and in a way, without intention I was telling her how good I was without her)

Maybe she is using me, probably not for the money, but because she feels lonely... Maybe I can use her for the same, but I believe the key is to improve myself, and show her I can be better, this time not for her... Better for myself.

 

About the sex and this other guy, of course it hurts like hell. To be honest I have a feeling that she is not telling me everything that happened with him, she said they only met twice, but something tells me that there's something else that she is not telling me, and I feel that she has been in contact with him, even if she says that she hasn't... we have been sleeping together a few times for the last couple of weeks (no sex, just sleeping hugging and holding hands) and on many other occasions I have been tempted to check her phone and learn the truth, but I decided not to do it, I decided to let her have her privacy, regardless if she is saying the truth or not, if I ever want to be back with her again, I should respect her and believe in her.

 

I'm glad you already found the answer in your heart. Mine tells me that I want to be with her, but maybe clinging and begging is not the answer, maybe I should slowly let go and instead focus on myself. I'm sure she'll notice and feel something.

[LostOnes05]

Maybe this mixed signals are just because she might be confused and maybe she does wants to be with me a little bit, I believe her heart is telling her one thing, her brain says other. I don't mind about the money, I don't think she could do that to me and just drain all my money and emotions without caring. Although sometimes it feels a bit like that. How can she do that to me? After all these years together...

 

There must be a way, to not just give up and make her realize that we can be together again.

 

And nope, my friends wouldn't do anything anymore, everyone turned their back on me, they said they are tired of me being with her and then on the ground because of her again and again.

 

All kinds of NO to this. Some women will look you in the eye and tell you they love you and in the next 30 seconds be setting up their next date with your replacement. How do I know? Experience, and that isn't to say that all women are the same but when you've seen enough fires, you know where the smoke is coming from.

 

One woman told me she loved me and was intimate with me and the next day broke up with me. She was cheating but lied about it until the bitter end. Another broke up with me because she said she wanted to focus on her school work (she was taking one class lol) and finding herself (aka sleeping with someone else). She too told me she loved me and was making plans with me until the day she called breaking things off. Of course, I called bulls*** and she went off. Told me never to speak to her again (meanwhile she was cheating), but tried to keep in touch to throw breadcrumbs my way.

 

You need to recognize these types of women, like I have had the pleasure of learning about. I don't like to give up either and I used to be like you...go down fighting with the sinking ship. But you have to realize that when the other person jumps ship, so do you (or even before). Why? Because if it's so easy for them to move on then you didn't mean much to them to start with. If a woman's words aren't matching their actions, give them a warning first and if it happens again prepare to walk away permanently. You'll gain more respect by not putting up with their crap than sticking it out with them. Counterintuitive, I know, but that's how some think. Just take a look at how women keep going back to cheaters on this site. It's ridiculous...some guys as well. If she tells you to leave her alone...do just that. Give her the very thing she wishes for. Don't be a doormat dude.

[Pete2304]

You are more than welcome. When my ex phoned me tonight I hung up on her because she was drunk and rambling and when I didn't sleep with her a couple of weeks back it was because I couldn't stand the thought of her having been with someone else in an actual relationship not just a drunken mistake. If she rang me in the morning (I say that it's already 4:30 here!) and said "I'm ending it with him, I'm so sorry I love you and I want you back" I'd be there like a shot. Only if know it wouldn't work. I would try and forget and forgive but in my heart I would know that in the middle of the night when I woke up and saw her sleeping next to me that feeling of contentment and happiness would never truly be there again. I've forgiven her for cheating before and in some ways actually understood but a relationship is too much.

 

Chances are, you'd be happy as hell for a few days, weeks, maybe even months but st some point you are going to wonder if she is still in contact with the other guy, when she's on a night out with her friends you won't ever feel truly ok with it like you might have before.

 

That said, you want her back right now so on that basis, yeah keep going with the confident thing. It works. She's texting because she's missing you. If she gets 30 texts a day from you from 8am to midnight she isn't missing you. So play that game if you want. It will work if you do it right and at some point you will end up back in bed with her, probably more than once. But, I promise you mate that once that's happened you're back at square one. The game keeps working as long as you want it to up to a point but everytime you realise she doesn't actually love you anymore it breaks you all over again. The no contact advice on here is very often sound advice and probably is in your case too only I understand that realistically you are going to do everything in your power to get her back and try every tactic you can think of. Once the begging doesn't work, the next thing is always to show someone what they are missing and it does work. Sadly though my friend, I think, like me, you are probably playing a game you've already lost.

[Griev]

I just want to be with her. I love her and I understand in a way that giving someone so much power only pushes the person away even more, I should try to focus on myself from now on. I'll try my best to engrave in my head the idea that she doesn't want anything anymore. But I'll keep her close in the meantime, as I said, I'll still try to be nice and make her happy, but this time I'll do it in a different way, I'll let her hug me or kiss me whenever she feels like it.

 

I don't think it's game over yet, actually it might be quite the opposite, she told me she finds me the sexiest and she melts for me when I play (I'm a musician) and crowd goes crazy for me, she encourage me to go back to playing and ask me to invite her. So, I'll do that. I think pretending I'm ok and confident is wrong, I believe I should really be confident. Sadly is ****ing hard to do, but I guess things that are worth are never easy to achieve.

 

It's sad, because I believe once she feels she doesn't own me anymore, she'll come back. I remember now, and when we started being together I was never completely giving up myself for her, Is not that I didn't wanted to be with her, it's just that I was not ready to have a relationship, I was focusing more on my work and focusing on myself, and that made her go crazy for me. I believe I created all of this, by switching roles, I became the beggar, now she has the power. As I said it's quite sad, I wish it could be a way so we both want to be with each other, but after everything I've experience and read, apparently there's always someone who has to be on top and be the alfa.

 

I'll keep updating on my progress, thanks for reading me. It's incredibly helpful knowing that I'm not alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman, and I can tell you that everything you've been doing has had the exact opposite effect that you want.

 

You want to really make an impression? Stop responding to her. That's right. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Right now, she has very little attraction to you because she knows you don't respect yourself. That makes it easy for women like her to use you, which is what she's been doing. It does not build attraction - it destroys it. I'm not suggesting that you should turn into a huge jerkwad, but you really need to stop trying so hard to be nice.

 

You're way too passive and weak with this woman. We aren't attracted to that. I personally would recommend moving on altogether, but I know you won't be able to do so very easily. If you really want a chance of ever gaining your sanity back - and possibly reconciliation - stop being so damn nice and available.

 

Your approach isn't working, clearly. Shake it up completely and stop behaving like her toy. You're showing her that you have little dignity, which I promise is actually turning her off. That's why she's out banging other guys while you sit here wondering how you can "nice" her back into your arms. Doesn't work that way.

 

And frankly, you shouldn't want her to come back. She's not The One.

Edited October 11, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[fromheart]

Griev, if you carry on like this you're going to get friendzoned, mangina'd, doormatted, and generally humiliated, used and abused.

 

Get the hell out of there now, walk away and never look back. Your sanity, health and well being depend on it.

[fromheart]

I'm a woman, and I can tell you that everything you've been doing has had the exact opposite effect that you want.

 

You want to really make an impression? Stop responding to her. That's right. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Right now, she has very little attraction to you because she knows you don't respect yourself. That makes it easy for women like her to use you, which is what she's been doing. It does not build attraction - it destroys it. I'm not suggesting that you should turn into a huge jerkwad, but you really need to stop trying so hard to be nice.

 

You're way too passive and weak with this woman. We aren't attracted to that. I personally would recommend moving on altogether, but I know you won't be able to do so very easily. If you really want a chance of ever gaining your sanity back - and possibly reconciliation - stop being so damn nice and available.

 

Your approach isn't working, clearly. Shake it up completely and stop behaving like her toy. You're showing her that you have little dignity, which I promise is actually turning her off. That's why she's out banging other guys while you sit here wondering how you can "nice" her back into your arms. Doesn't work that way.

 

And frankly, you shouldn't want her to come back. She's not The One.

 

This is good advice, take it.

 

No woman is going to have respect for you, the way you're acting right now.

Wake up to this, you're acting like a crack addict looking over the carpet, for a residue of last nights fix.

 

I've been where you are, and I'm never going back there again. I'd rather burn at the stake then humiliate myself like that.

[lolablue17]

Maybe she uses you, maybe not. Maybe she is confused and maybe she'll fall in love with you again in the future (My gut tells me that it can happen only after she samples some other guys first).

 

But you should focus on yourself, not her. And right now you're damaging yourself everyday, hurting yourself, wasting time. Instead of being young and happy, you're caught in an impossible situation, a situation that YOU and only YOU, got yourself into. Do yourself a big favor and start being a man, the guy you used to be, an independent man. Someone with dignity and self respect. All the things you are not now.

 

I can offer you a great timing to do the "walking away". When she ask you to meet again and sleep with you, this is the right time to refuse, to calmly with a smile thank her for the great time, and tell her that this is the last time she sees you, talk to you, text you, contact you at all. Say nicely goodbye and walk for ever. This theatrical timing will make this feeling real, and give you the power and motivation to really move on.

[l8estnews]

Honestly, I have read your post and all I've read is the numerous times she told you that she'll never speak to you again, but ended up inviting you over and over and emotionally torturing you and making you do whatever she wants. She even used you to pay for her party things.

 

Gosh, dude! Have a sense of respect for yourself. Your devotion to this woman, although admirable and very rare for a guy, is directed to the WRONG GIRL. Find someone who will return that kind of cherish. A LOT of girls out there are looking for someone like YOU!

 

DUMP HER.