When to say "I love you"?

[kitkat826]

I prefer to be in a relationship with someone whos more openly emotional than I am; otherwise nothing is ever accomplished. All the guys Ive ever been with I think have said it or a variation of it first. If they hadn't, I don't think I ever would have. Once they were domonstrative, I opened right up. But thats a personal battle, I gues, and I've been making an effort to get better at it.

[yellowrose]

Kanga-

 

I wrestle with this as well. These are the questions I answered before I said it:

 

1.) Are we both clear that we are exclusive? It has been discussed and agreed upon. Yes.

2.) Do I feel loved? Is he good to me? I mean *really* good to me. Not "Oh sometimes he can be really sweet". Why would I love someone who made me feel unsafe, unstable, unsure, or otherwise? So the answer is yes, he is good to me. He gives me what I need emotionally.

3.) Am I looking at this with as clear a head as possible? Am I seeing him through the woozy goggles of infatuation? Yes. No.

4.) Have I been able to show weakness and feel confident that he won't misuse that moment? Yes. -Because that moment you speak those words is a very vulnerable one.

 

Otherwise I feel like it's just, "I'm very attracted to you and like you a lot."

 

Love is more. You love someone because they are a good partner, make you feel confident and safe about the relationship, are supportive, stick through the yucky stuff, and you both know it. It can't be one-sided at all when you say it because otherwise you're just hanging out on a very thin limb and you'll hurt yourself.

 

You have all the time in the world. Don't rush it. Take the time to be sure and confident in the relationship before you offer up the biggest and most precious gift you can give a man, your love.

 

Good luck!

 

-yr

[Kengne]

Me and R have been dating for almost 3 mths now! (save the week & a half we broke up due to an incident we

eventaully worked thru). I remember earlier on, I tht I was falling for him but I felt it was waaay too much

too soon esp me coming out of a recent 4-yr rel'ship that ended bcuz of cheating on my ex bf's end. So I know

my emotions aren't all that 'stable' lol and I have alot of issues which are slowing down my emotional

growth towards him.

 

PLUS he didn't make things easier when he told me how his ex-gf of 2 YEARS told him she loved him (in a letter!)

and he said he COULD NOT say the words back to her!! UGH. My heart sinks now even thinking about it. So I

know that I will DEF NOT be the 1st one to say the 3 words, bcuz I would HATE for him to turn around and say

'Sorry, but I can't say it back.'

And that's fine! Bcuz at this pt in our rel'ship, I really like the way things are going and I like taking it slow.

 

I am in NO rush to say the words, or hear him say the words. For sure, holding back on even SAYING the words... has

stopped me from FEELING them. So I def do have an emotional wall around me but i don't see any other way. If I

let myself feel it before he does, sooner or later I'm gonna want to say it and it'll burn me NOT to . So I kind of

stifle my emotions - is that strange? IMO, I'm just pacing myself to his emotional pace bcuz I know men take longer

to feel & express those feelings than women.

 

Now the questions is, how long can I stifle my feelings??? I dunno. I'm pretty good at it, and at times I wonder if

I continue to do this WILL I eventually be able to fully let myself go? But the alternative - letting myself go NOW and

being vulnerabe - is waaaaay too risky at this point. Even if he came to me NOW and said the words, I'm not emotionally

ready to process or handle that knowledge. I'd still feel like it's too soon. But, knowng him -> he's a PERFECTIONIST and

the type of person that waits till they're 110% sure abt something before making a move LOL -> he would NOT say the

words unless he really did feel it.

 

My last take ... live and let live! I'm enjoying our rel'ship for the HERE and NOW. Who knows how deep things will or will

not progress? It's all a learning experience. I'm just happy to be alive, and happy to have him in my life. I'm more happy

NOW, with myself and our rel'ship, than I have been in the past 1 year where I was in-love my ex-bf who also was in love

with me but yet continud to serial cheat on me, and got someone pregnant.

 

So I'm grabbing happiness now and taking it for what it is!

 

Kengne.

[BigB]

Originally posted by Star Gazer

I knew it! I just knew it!! They are never gonna say it first!!!

 

I did once, I also got burned.. I'll be waiting next time.

[DeaconFrost]

My God!!!!!

 

Am I the only who thinks that everyone is overthinking all this WAAAAAAYYYYYY too much? Last I checked, when love is at its finest, things just happen. You don't need all this strategy and ideals and scenarios to guide you in your decision making. True love never works on a rudimentary schedule. True, its all about timing, but why does everyone feel the need to be lazy in their relationship?

 

Frankly I'm shocked at all this wall-building. How about taking charge in your relationship? If you are in love and your heart feels that it is the right time, then DAMNIT GO FOR IT!!!! Obviously the basics need to be secure (i.e. obvious commitment through action and word, a fair amount of time, etc.). But, why should you hold back if that energy is really there? You'll do nothing but drive yourself crazy and over-analyze everything until that fateful day occurs. Jesus, that is just way too much pressure.

 

You want to know when the right time is? How about when you can't stop thinking about that person. How about when you start planning things to do together months in advance. How about when your heart seriously tingles from excitement after you get off the phone or when you first see that person for the day. Drop that person a few verbal hints and see how they react. If they play along in a loving way, then I say go for it!

 

I really wish people would stop throwing up all these requirements or conditions and stop being so damn scared. We all have fear, but you only overcome that when you muster up the balls and face it head on. Take initiative, charge forward, and never look back.

[konfused]

If you start playing games about when to say 'I love you' the relationship turns into a power struggle. Honesty is always the best bet. If you feel it, say it.

[lvgrly]

I think I told him first how I felt and that I loved him, and he told me that he wasnt ready to say it back..Thats understandable, so I never told him again until he came to me, and told me that he loved me.

 

He really respected that because he knew how I felt, but I wasnt pushing it on him...

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by DeaconFrost

My God!!!!!

 

Am I the only who thinks that everyone is overthinking all this WAAAAAAYYYYYY too much? Last I checked, when love is at its finest, things just happen. You don't need all this strategy and ideals and scenarios to guide you in your decision making. True love never works on a rudimentary schedule. True, its all about timing, but why does everyone feel the need to be lazy in their relationship?

 

Frankly I'm shocked at all this wall-building. How about taking charge in your relationship? If you are in love and your heart feels that it is the right time, then DAMNIT GO FOR IT!!!! Obviously the basics need to be secure (i.e. obvious commitment through action and word, a fair amount of time, etc.). But, why should you hold back if that energy is really there? You'll do nothing but drive yourself crazy and over-analyze everything until that fateful day occurs. Jesus, that is just way too much pressure.

 

You want to know when the right time is? How about when you can't stop thinking about that person. How about when you start planning things to do together months in advance. How about when your heart seriously tingles from excitement after you get off the phone or when you first see that person for the day. Drop that person a few verbal hints and see how they react. If they play along in a loving way, then I say go for it!

 

I really wish people would stop throwing up all these requirements or conditions and stop being so damn scared. We all have fear, but you only overcome that when you muster up the balls and face it head on. Take initiative, charge forward, and never look back.

 

Well said Deacon, I second that!

[watermeloncandy]

my BF and i have been together almost a year and neither one of us has said that we love each other. i've wanted to, but i'm too afraid that he'll say 'awww, that's nice, thank you" - i'm not a mind reader nor will i assume he loves me because he behaves a certain way towards me. if he does, then why hasn't HE said it? (i know, i know, maybe he's afraid that i wont say it back...)

and i dont know what i would do or really feel if i told him that i love him and he didnt say it back...after this length of time, shouldn't he know? if you dont by now, is it really worth continuing?

i guess at some point you have to put yourself out on a limb and take the risk and then deal with it.

and i do think that if we both confessed that we do in fact love each other, we will then be comfortable enough to openly discuss taking this relationship to the next level - like moving in together (ugh, that's a whole other topic im hesitant to discuss with him because im afraid of hearing something that i dont want to hear...).

[DeaconFrost]

Watermeloncandy - what the hell are you waiting for? You've been together that long and neither of you has said those three little words? Unless your just FWB then how in the world has it gone on this long without talk of emotions like that? I'm not trying to poke fun, but it sounds like you two are either incredibly insecure or aren't really in that deep of a relationship. But then again, it could just be different strokes for different folks...

 

I really don't see how saying I love you at this stage in the relationship is a risk. If he didn't say it back, then why in the world would you continue in the relationship? I'd say if anything, saying "I love you" is a milemarker in a progressing relationship that truly reveals a person's sentiments and commitment. I think you should think about getting a bit more emotionally intertwined before moving in EVER even becomes a subject.

[CurvyGurl]

I said it, and I regret doing it. I don't regret how I feel, but I wish I had waited. I won't say it again for a long time.

 

There was no adverse reaction... he didn't get scared and run away and his behavior didn't change at all. But I knew good and well that I should have waited for him to say it first. I didn't, and now I feel stupid.

 

 

WAIT.

[DeaconFrost]

So if you didn't have any adverse reaction than why are you so dissapointed? You should be ecstatic because you got it off your chest. If everyone waited in fear, then you'd probably wind up with two people at a stalemate strategically waiting for the other to show their cards. That doesn't sound like love....that's sounds more like a shootout at the OK Corral.

 

I'm tired of people perpetuating walls and "playing it safe." Fear exists in us all, but is through our own actions that fear is breed and multipled in our daily lives. But hey, if that's what you want then more power to ya and good luck with that. I'd rather have straight-forward, no-holds barred, honest communication. It's more real that way.

 

Just a thought...

[animo]

Well i personally only say this type of thing when i mean it....

 

That means, when i'm sure it's not just hormones and passion talking anymore, when i'm sur ei can say 'now i will always love you nomatter what happens between us'. THEN i say it... Ofcourse from the moment we meet till i get to that point ALOT of time passes so yeah, i'm not usually the one to go first either

[CurvyGurl]

It just wasn't the right moment... I wanted it to be, but it wasn't. We haven't dated long and I am a staunch proponent that just because I have an opinion on something doesn't mean I need to voice it. I wanted to wait, and didn't and I kind of regretted it. I'm glad I got it off my chest, I just wish I'd waited longer to say it.

[DeaconFrost]

That's fair...

[Pendawn]

Originally posted by CurvyGurl

It just wasn't the right moment... I wanted it to be, but it wasn't. We haven't dated long and I am a staunch proponent that just because I have an opinion on something doesn't mean I need to voice it. I wanted to wait, and didn't and I kind of regretted it. I'm glad I got it off my chest, I just wish I'd waited longer to say it.

 

Out of interest, how did he react? Did he act pleased and flattered, or just like he already knew it?

[CurvyGurl]

He said he sort of had an idea that I was going to say that. He asked me how I knew I loved him, and we talked about it for a bit. Then I asked if he was ok with it, freaked out or what-not and he said, 'no not at all, you feel what you feel."

[room101]

ok well i can tell u a time not to say it - when u r talking of how u still feel about her after shes put an end to it and she really has moved on - trust me, awkward conversation from there on!

 

i think the best time to say i love you is when both of u r alone on a date and things seem like they r unbeatable. that is the moment i waited to say it with my ex, although she did jst chuck me so take what i say lightly! no but it was fine until recently so maybe its a good thing. we were at her house just after a great night out and we were sitting watching some lame film as we so often did! anyway, i couldnt stop looking at her and so when our eyes met, i held eye contact, held her hand lightly and said sincerely 'i love you' to which she said it back. and from then on - the date got better! anyway i said it then because it was one of the many moments that i felt it so strongly but it just seemed perfect timing. nothing was wrong with that night at all. say it when it seems like there is nothing more important in the world than saying those 3 little words. but obviously mean it!!

 

o and in reply to a few other questions raised, i was the first to say it and it felt so great to say it first if im honest. like that way she truely knew i meant it as we hadnt said it face to face before but in texts or on chat or even jokingly. but no this time was serious and heartfelt and hearing it said back in the same manner creates a feeling like no other

[PDPullmn612]

Hey,

 

My girlfriend said it to me first. i told her that i didnt feel the same way at the time. She was a little taken back, but wasnt too upset where she got angry. She didnt say it to me again until after i told her i did. Im sure she still felt the same way after i told her i didnt feel the same way, but i think she figure that why should she say it if she wont get a similar response in return. So coming from a guys poit of view, i say let the guy say it first.

[kanga]

since this thread was just brougth back to life ...

 

he says i first said the L-word during a make out session. I still say I didn't. But whatever.

 

He told me a few months later during some talk like "Kanga, I love you." It wasn't that sweet, gushy love you. It was a reassurance kind of love you. I just kind of stood there, trying to think what to say. "Please don't say it back," he told me. So I think I just gave a half-smile. He said again later on (a different day) and added, "I know you love me." And then I said, with tears, "I do love you." Or something like that.

 

Not quite gushy romantic, etc. But it was said.

[niko1999]

Ive wanted to say it to my new guy QUITE a few times but havent gotten up the gumption to do so. Becuase I am afraid of rejection. But at the same time, if it wasnt for me, we neer would have gotten together(hes admittedly a wuss when it comes to things, I saved the IM conversation:p ) but we have only been together for four months, so its not that long, I know part of it is still hormones and what have you. So I guess I just have to wait and see. But if it is addmittedly a wuss about things, maybe if I said it first.... At the same time I woudl rather wait until he says it first. Geez, I have TRIED to find this post, Im so glad someone else was able to find it, becuase I havent been able to.

[clynn]

That is just the cutest thing ever! I love this story.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year. (with 4 months off for good behavior - hee hee) - and I am pretty certain that we love each other, but neither of us have said it. He has started to use the word love, ie: he now refers to our sessions as "lovemaking" that sort of thing. But he hasn't said "I love you".

 

I am absolutely definitely positively waiting for him to say it to me.

 

And I have a feeling he'll eventually pop it out in a non gushy sort of way that takes me totally off guard. And I am sure at some point I'll respond with tears in my eyes.

 

But who knows!!! Maybe he'll take me to the top of the ferris wheel and say it.

 

But for now, I'm happy because his actions speak loudly and they say "Love" much stronger than any fancy talking chap has in the past.

 

 

 

 

since this thread was just brougth back to life ...

 

he says i first said the L-word during a make out session. I still say I didn't. But whatever.

 

He told me a few months later during some talk like "Kanga, I love you." It wasn't that sweet, gushy love you. It was a reassurance kind of love you. I just kind of stood there, trying to think what to say. "Please don't say it back," he told me. So I think I just gave a half-smile. He said again later on (a different day) and added, "I know you love me." And then I said, with tears, "I do love you." Or something like that.

 

Not quite gushy romantic, etc. But it was said.