carmelita Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hello, I am looking for some insight as to where to proceed from here with this scenario. I have been seeing a man on and off for over a year now. He is 59, I am 37. We met at a bar where he plays in the house band, my girlfriend and I were regulars, and he and I got to chatting. After a few months, I went home with him one night. The first few months were just basically going home together from that event, with a few hangouts in between here and there.I was cool with that. Around christmas time last year, boom, first disappearing act. That lasted about a month, then we struck up a friendship where we would get together and chat for a few hours a couple times a week...until of course, we slept together again. Repeat the same cycle again. This past spring, we became closer as in spending more time together, I even met his family while they were down visiting, and spent two nights with them. Then mid july -august, he did the pulling away again, to the point he didn't even acknowledge me when I saw him beyond at hey or small talk. I told myself at that point to leave it alone, even if he came back around. Granted, he was going through some extremely stressful personal events during that time. We reconnected though, and I gave him that what for without nagging..just telling him that in the future, to please follow through with some basic respect. This time around for the past couple of months, things have been very different. He responds to texts ( even if takes hours haha) , he introduces me to friends..if I am at a gig, even though he always spoke to me before , he seeks me out and makes it obvious we are together. He has started spending time with my friends, and he has referred to me a couple of times as his " girlfriend" even if it's just chatting amongst ourselves. He is also more affectionate, he plans outings for us. He spent every night at my home last week aside from tueday, sun-thursday. I had told myself not to get involved again, but he seemed to be making a very sincere effort to make me feel more valued. He left Friday morning, and I sent him a text later that day asking how his back was, as he had hurt it. He responded with " F***ed" I then sent him a text telling him that if he wanted to sleep at my place even though I would be at work to go ahead, as my bed is more comfortable. No reply. I texted him again today asking how he was doing. He is not a big texter, and we have never done the general chit chat back and forth, aside from making plans and some random how are you's here and there. No reply today...I am undecided if this is " just him" and something I should expect, or if it's him dropping me again. He has always come back around as I've said, but at this point, well over a year into it, I'm not sure if this is something I should be taking to heart. With the recent changes, it feels more of a couple type thing rather than just casual lovers. My question is, should I just let it go and wait for him to come back around again? should I bring it up? or is at the point where I want more, do I just end it and move forward expecting this just to be the way it is?
JewelD Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 If you haven't sat down and clarified that you are indeed in an exclusive relationship, then you are not in an exclusive relationship. He's 60 years old, he knows what he's doing. I think you should move on, find someone younger and someone who is willing to be a consistent part of your life. 2
Author carmelita Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 I think you are right..the only reason there is some confusion on my end is the fact that I held off on the discussion due to our age difference, and when I realized recently that I was willing go with it, is that his behaviour had changed significantly enough that I was holding off on a " wait and see" before I brought up exclusivity. He did one night look at me and say " I really , really , like you. I have been trying not to get involved with you since day one and here we are". When I questioned the why, his answer was " because I like you enough that I have a hard time saying no to you". Which didn't make a whole lot of sense. Do I owe him an official " let's go our seperate ways" talk? Or due to his past disappearing acts do I just let it go?
JewelD Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I would just disappear on him since he's done it to you a couple of times. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I think you are right..the only reason there is some confusion on my end is the fact that I held off on the discussion due to our age difference, and when I realized recently that I was willing go with it, is that his behaviour had changed significantly enough that I was holding off on a " wait and see" before I brought up exclusivity. He did one night look at me and say " I really , really , like you. I have been trying not to get involved with you since day one and here we are". When I questioned the why, his answer was " because I like you enough that I have a hard time saying no to you". Which didn't make a whole lot of sense. Do I owe him an official " let's go our seperate ways" talk? Or due to his past disappearing acts do I just let it go? Don't reach out to him again. Wait this out. Men who fade in and out like this simply don't know what they want but keep the girl on a string for when he decides he wants to be with her. And, they often just go "poof". The woman will reach out when she just gets so anxious that she can't take it, and they will come around for the sex. " because I like you enough that I have a hard time saying no to you". If she didn't reach out first, she wouldn't have heard from him again. Just let it go. Men this age are set in their ways and want things their way. He doesn't want a real relationship or he'd treat it that way. He comes and goes because you allow it. If and when he eventually gets in touch with you, you simply tell him that you've moved on and wish him well.
Author carmelita Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 No, the last reconnection was due to him. I explained to him I wasn't interested in the way things were, and that's when all the changes in his behaviour began.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Part of me agrees with the other posters about ignoring him from now on and showing the same indifference and disrespect that he has shown you. However, it sounds like you are emotionally invested in this man so you probably going to want some closure, at least from your side so you can move on. A quick text stating that this situation with him is not meeting your needs so you are moving on, good luck in the future etc etc.. Just something non emotional and detached. That way you have closed the door yourself and have made it clear that you don't want to think he can just reappear back in your life months down the track. Clearly he isn't good boyfriend material. You should have to ask someone to be respectful towards you, that is just good manners. It would be a shame to waste more time on him so I think you are doing the right thing ending it now.
Author carmelita Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 yeah. A guy friend told me I was being silly and to just call him to see what's up. I did. he didn't answer. It's over, I guess, and he doesn't need to hear any spiel from me. thanks for the advice. 1
Author carmelita Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 and then I receive this text. " sorry, I've been sick all day, flu and also sleeping". Now I have no idea if this is a game or due to his past behaviours I jumped a gun with anxiety.
Bialy Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 and then I receive this text. " sorry, I've been sick all day, flu and also sleeping". Now I have no idea if this is a game or due to his past behaviours I jumped a gun with anxiety. Ignore, ignore, ignore. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 and then I receive this text. " sorry, I've been sick all day, flu and also sleeping". Now I have no idea if this is a game or due to his past behaviours I jumped a gun with anxiety. Are you questioning yourself now that he has thrown you some breadcrumbs? You haven't jumped the gun, you have been settling for something mediocre for too long. Nothing has changed because he knows he can get away with it. You teach people how to treat you, remember that. 2
Author carmelita Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 He called a couple of hours later and genuinely sounded sick. He apologized for not being in touch. He then went on to ask my schedule for the week, and said he would call today to make some plans. I didn't mention anything, but where he truly sounded sick I asked if I could do anything and that I hoped he felt better soon. His answer was " no , but I genuinely appreciate it. I'm sorry if you've been worried, I should have called yesterday".( i had mentioned when discussed before , if nothing else , when he drops off the planet i worry not knowing if he ghosted or something happened) He then very sweetly told me to have a good night. I had him on speaker phone as I was driving and the friend that was with me said " why were you worried? That was adorable" and then started laughing saying he had never seen that side with either one of us. I guess I just get confused when reading advice because it can vary so much...aactions speak louder than words pans I have seen a genuine effort until this weekend, the whole " mam cave thing" and to let that go, we haven't had the exclusivity talk so " it's still casual and don't expect anything until then", but on the other hand " if he genuinely liked you he will be in touch daily " and so on.
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 No, the last reconnection was due to him. I explained to him I wasn't interested in the way things were, and that's when all the changes in his behaviour began. Yes, but he couldn't keep it up, could he? and he thus reverted to type. People who are interested act interested, he is unreliable and you keep making excuses for him , or believe him when he feeds you a load of baloney. It takes 3-5 secs to send a text... If you want some casual, no strings attached sex or some companionship but only on his terms, then keep him around, but if you want a real relationship then you need to dump him and fast. Do not waste time hanging about for him to choose you, he is lukewarm about you at best. He may even have another life somewhere else which may explain his intermittent disappearances... Is he a drinker? Sometimes drinkers go on alcoholic binges and "disappear".
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) I think the bigger question you need to ask yourself is, why are the breadcrumbs he is throwing you enough for you? It's fine if it's casual sex and occasional companionship you want. It wouldn't be enough for me. You are young, and you have so much life ahead of you. I would be looking for someone younger who wants to share life together. But, you are also old enough that you should be done playing these silly games and wondering where he is and why he isn't calling you... Good luck to you. Edited October 11, 2016 by BaileyB
Redhead14 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 He called a couple of hours later and genuinely sounded sick. He apologized for not being in touch. He then went on to ask my schedule for the week, and said he would call today to make some plans. I didn't mention anything, but where he truly sounded sick I asked if I could do anything and that I hoped he felt better soon. His answer was " no , but I genuinely appreciate it. I'm sorry if you've been worried, I should have called yesterday".( i had mentioned when discussed before , if nothing else , when he drops off the planet i worry not knowing if he ghosted or something happened) He then very sweetly told me to have a good night. I had him on speaker phone as I was driving and the friend that was with me said " why were you worried? That was adorable" and then started laughing saying he had never seen that side with either one of us. I guess I just get confused when reading advice because it can vary so much...aactions speak louder than words pans I have seen a genuine effort until this weekend, the whole " mam cave thing" and to let that go, we haven't had the exclusivity talk so " it's still casual and don't expect anything until then", but on the other hand " if he genuinely liked you he will be in touch daily " and so on. The advice here hasn't varied that much. The bottom line from all of us has been that this guy isn't interested in a real relationship. He doesn't want the "burden" of maintaining one -- consistent communication, seeing one another on a regular basis and sharing, etc. You, apparently want a relationship and are "settling" for something less -- casual. It's been a year with this guy and the pattern is disjointed at best. Do not put a whole lot of meaning on this phone call. You are stringing yourself along. You are a young woman who wants, needs and deserves more from the man you're seeing. This man is a very nice man, I'm sure. He doesn't mean any harm to you. The right partner for a man like this is a very secure, independent, self-sufficient woman who simply doesn't need as much. She likes her independence and alone time -- like him. I don't know how long he's been single, but if it's been a long time or he's had a series of short relationships, he does not have the skills to maintain one or simply doesn't want to. A woman who wants a real relationship will never be happy with a guy like this. She will be putting herself through a lot of anxiety, loneliness and doubt. 2
ChickiePops Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 My red flag antennae are going up. Are you sure he's not married or in another relationship? 1
Erik30 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 The age gap doesn't really matter since you're 37, but you should think about if you really want to be "a nurse for grandpa" in a few years. And he doesn't sound like a great catch anyway
Author carmelita Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) He is definitely not married. I have been to his both his places ( he moved this year) many times. Another relationship? Maybe, I've wondered if he dates others as I have certainly not stopped doing so myself ( although, I've only had first dates and nothing g has progressed) but out of the blue recently he said to me " just so you know, there hasn't been anyone else since I've met you...I'm starting to think I really must have a thing for you". I had thought we were on a don't ask don't tell policy. He then went on to ask me to let him know if I did meet someone who piqued my interest, he agreed to do the same and we said we would reevaluate if/ when that happened. As to what kind of woman, here's the thing. I have a very full life, career wise, friend wise, hobbies , parent and so on. I also enjoy being single and due to how my life has been and my own issues I tend to feel smothered with day to day check ins. I'm pretty much considered a " free spirit" aside from my day to day obligations so has worked out well thus far. I guess what I want is to keep things at this level, but more so on mutual terms, not only his. That however may be asking a but much, and if at this length of time into it if I still feel weird contacting after a few days ( and truly I needed the weekend to myself after spending so much time together last week), then something is off. Edited October 11, 2016 by carmelita
PogoStick Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 So many jaded folks on LS! Breadcrumbs...she said he spends multiple nights in her bed. How is that breadcrumbs? She knows he's not into texting, so why expect him to text? Now he sounds genuinely sick (and it is that time of year) but he's still getting poor consideration. You need to communicate clear expectations or you have no right to be upset when expectations are not met.
Author carmelita Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 And that's the other side to it haha. We texted a little bit yesterday ( which again, I've seen a huge difference in him in that regard, and have witnessed him getting frustrated with friends so I know it's not personal, the disliking of texting). He called tonight to let me know he's still sick, and wanted to let me know he has been wanting to get together, but in his words " I'm not the most pleasant to be around while feeling this way, but I don't want you to think I don't want to see you". He then went on to say he's playing tonight, and wanted to know if I would stop by for at least a bit. I'm thinking in this situation, something in this situation has shifted in regards to the past ghosting acts, and that I did perhaps jump the gun.
Author carmelita Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 So after much reflection, and deciding to go with it and see what happens, just to give an update, after that off week, he did turn around. That week I was so anxious, his nephew was shot and killed...I read the news articles, wasn't a story. He was also sick. Also had some housing stress on top of it. I totally get why I wasn't on his priority list. Since then, we have spent time together, he randomly showed up with a gift one day ( something I needed that he mentioned months ago ) that made me smile, and resumed texting in his own way ( which may only be k following something I Said, but whatever, that's his thing). He was also very consistently sweet when together, and we laughed a lot. I figured I would share this on the off chance that someone else may read this and I really do think in this case, I over reacted. However, last night I had some drinks to celebrate a new job. I over indulged, and decided for some reason to " make a musical depicting our relationship" which essentially involved me pushing a chair to the middle of my kitchen told him " no no , you just sit there and drive like you do" and then interpretive dancing around him to the violent femmes, the pogues and some random top fourty stuff. He was gone before I woke up this morning, despite us having plans today, and didn't return my text. So...long story short, I over reacted, then drank my face off and danced in my kitchen, which is what ultimately ended a not very secure relationship. thanks for all the advice though!
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