courtney_kay Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 A little background information....I am 21 years old, a recent college graduate, and now a full-time working woman. I have had three relationships, two of them pretty serious. One we had discussed engagement and moving in together, etc. In both of my two serious relationships, the other party was responsible for ending it, both of them basically citing the same thing that they aren't ready for commitment and want to focus on themselves. Of course I was heartbroken but I have come to accept that those relationships are in the past, and I understand being young and not wanting to commit yet. I think part of what has lead to my new dating behavior might have something to do with the fact that I was in serious relationships all throughout college and never really had a "boy crazy" phase. Recently I have realized that I've become a bit of a serial dater. Most of the time it's casual, just messing around on Tinder or texting guys I've met out at the bar or through mutual friends. I have had a few different one night stands which is something that doesn't really align with my moral compass, or at least it didn't...yet it still happened. I guess I have been learning more about myself sexually too because I never had a really great sex life. So I started what I thought was a FWB relationship with this guy, but now he keeps asking me on dates and wants to talk about our future and I just want to run. I know we are not compatible in any way other than in the bedroom, and I have told him that I do not want a relationship yet he keeps pushing it. Should I end this relationship so I don't end up hurting him even more? I'm just so confused right now which I suppose is a sign that I am not ready for another relationship yet. Of course I want to find "the one" and settle down, but I have plans to move to a larger city next year after I save up for the move, and I just don't want to get involved with anyone unless we have some amazing connection. I guess my question is, for those of you who are more seasoned than I am, is it normal to go through phases like this where you date a lot and sleep around (kind of)? I am realizing that I think I am just lonely and seeking attention. I know I need to grow up and work on "loving myself" first, but I don't even know where to start. People always say you should take time to focus on yourself, but I don't know how.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 A little background information....I am 21 years old, a recent college graduate, and now a full-time working woman. I have had three relationships, two of them pretty serious. One we had discussed engagement and moving in together, etc. In both of my two serious relationships, the other party was responsible for ending it, both of them basically citing the same thing that they aren't ready for commitment and want to focus on themselves. Of course I was heartbroken but I have come to accept that those relationships are in the past, and I understand being young and not wanting to commit yet. I think part of what has lead to my new dating behavior might have something to do with the fact that I was in serious relationships all throughout college and never really had a "boy crazy" phase. Recently I have realized that I've become a bit of a serial dater. Most of the time it's casual, just messing around on Tinder or texting guys I've met out at the bar or through mutual friends. I have had a few different one night stands which is something that doesn't really align with my moral compass, or at least it didn't...yet it still happened. I guess I have been learning more about myself sexually too because I never had a really great sex life. So I started what I thought was a FWB relationship with this guy, but now he keeps asking me on dates and wants to talk about our future and I just want to run. I know we are not compatible in any way other than in the bedroom, and I have told him that I do not want a relationship yet he keeps pushing it. Should I end this relationship so I don't end up hurting him even more? I'm just so confused right now which I suppose is a sign that I am not ready for another relationship yet. Of course I want to find "the one" and settle down, but I have plans to move to a larger city next year after I save up for the move, and I just don't want to get involved with anyone unless we have some amazing connection. I guess my question is, for those of you who are more seasoned than I am, is it normal to go through phases like this where you date a lot and sleep around (kind of)? I am realizing that I think I am just lonely and seeking attention. I know I need to grow up and work on "loving myself" first, but I don't even know where to start. People always say you should take time to focus on yourself, but I don't know how. 1. You should end it b/c you are not compatible. 2. You should end it b/c he is being "pushy" regarding your sexual/physical relationship and that could lead to something more undesireable. 3. You are still very young. Most guys your age is not ready to commit, unfortunately. Why are you so lonely? Do you have a social life outside of being with a bf? Hobbies? Family? 2
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Just end it that guy is expecting more so it's only fair. If you find yourself too lonely than means you need to increase your friendships, and enjoy a shared interest with friends. get busy with life, you will learn to love yourself, and have the substance to attract a man of quality, your intellectual match. 2
Author courtney_kay Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 1. You should end it b/c you are not compatible. 2. You should end it b/c he is being "pushy" regarding your sexual/physical relationship and that could lead to something more undesireable. 3. You are still very young. Most guys your age is not ready to commit, unfortunately. Why are you so lonely? Do you have a social life outside of being with a bf? Hobbies? Family? See that's what I ask myself a lot. I know that I am so young and have my entire life ahead of me to date and get serious. I do have a social life, I am out and about almost every weekend, spending time with friends and family and working during the week. I think part of it could be just comparing myself to others that are at similar stages to me in life. I see so many people getting engaged right out of college, which I know is super young. I think I need to figure out why I have a problem with being alone, I know it's not healthy, but I don't know how to change it. Just end it that guy is expecting more so it's only fair. If you find yourself too lonely than means you need to increase your friendships, and enjoy a shared interest with friends. get busy with life, you will learn to love yourself, and have the substance to attract a man of quality, your intellectual match. I know you both are right, I am going to end it with him. While I do hang out with friends quite frequently, it's hard because almost all of them are in these serious committed relationships and they are constantly hanging with their significant others. I guess I need to find more single friends. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Are your other coupled friends college grads with a steady, promising job? Give us a glimpse of the educational background of the couples among your friends. All college educated? Okay, look at it this way. You've already had two serious relationships. One close to engagement. Are any of your friends to that point? Stop comparing yourself to them and spend more time with your single friends if it bothers you. You have no idea where these young 20-somethings are heading in the near future. 2
Author courtney_kay Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Are your other coupled friends college grads with a steady, promising job? Give us a glimpse of the educational background of the couples among your friends. All college educated? Okay, look at it this way. You've already had two serious relationships. One close to engagement. Are any of your friends to that point? Stop comparing yourself to them and spend more time with your single friends if it bothers you. You have no idea where these young 20-somethings are heading in the near future. All of them are college educated. Some are in their senior year of college, others are a few years out employed full-time. I know comparison can be a very toxic thing and I need to stop, but it's hard not to. I think it probably stems from a lack of confidence on my part. I'm thinking maybe I should stop dating, or at least stop making such an active effort to find someone. I just wonder if other people have gone through phases like this where they have trouble being alone. I really wish I knew why I feel this *need* to be with someone. I think it could have been my way of trying to feel better about myself, but now I just feel worse. Ashamed at myself for having so much casual sex and potentially hurting guys by leading them on when I can't commit for whatever reason. I don't want to be this way, but I don't know how to change it.
BluesPower Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 At 21 you are just starting life... If you want to have sex do it, be safe, but good grief have fun. This is absolutely the time to explore sex. If you don't feel good about casual sex, well OK, don't do it. You need to find out what makes you happy. Relationships come and go, but at your age most men are not ready. In fact most men your age are Men-Children (Man-Child). If you really want something more serious most likely you will have to look for some older men like 30-35. They may be ready. But really I am not sure what your rush is, have some fun. 1
bummer Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I just wonder if other people have gone through phases like this where they have trouble being alone. I really wish I knew why I feel this *need* to be with someone. I think it could have been my way of trying to feel better about myself, but now I just feel worse. Ashamed at myself for having so much casual sex and potentially hurting guys by leading them on when I can't commit for whatever reason. I don't want to be this way, but I don't know how to change it. I think that is the definition of early 20s middle-class life. Anxiety and insecurity come standard. It's your teens, but with booze and birth control added. Your posts reflect thoughtful reflection. You're smart and ahead of the curve. You know you are playing with Grass is Greener Syndrome, as your ex's did, and there is nothing wrong with any of it. If you truly dont want to "be this way" and be lurching from hookup to hookup so you aren't alone, you need to face those bitter self-learning truths alone that you allude to earlier. You need to be single, you need learn to be happy doing it and the only way is to start now. Go out to bars less, delete the apps, and read more and learn new hobbies. I believe there is a 2016 young-adult comedy about it.
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