Fruitee Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I dont understand how it makes me naive to expect honesty from someone I am dating. If Im dating someone and Im serious about them I dont go out with others. If Im not then why would I care to lie? If someone asks me if Im seeing others before having the talk I would tell them the truth and ask if they want to be exclusive. No point in asking if dont wanna be serious. White lies e.g. saying im fine when im not is totally different from being dishonest to someone who you dating. If they wanna keep options open or closed be open about it so other person knows where they are stading. Whats the point of lies and games.
babylonsfire Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 honesty and trust here is more important than anything else, if he's lieing to you, cut him.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 To think that no one lies when first starting to date is foolish. Everyone does it! It can be as simple as "I go jogging 5 times a week" when really you're lucky to go once. "I like my job" when you dread to go to work every day. They are lies, but you don't mean anything sinister by it. Telling the truth would make a bad early impression. You are right, people can tell white lies to make a good impression. What I'm questioning is the actual lie he is telling you. The fact is, not liking your job is not going to hurt him, whereas if you are pretending to not be on a dating app anymore, when you really are, does has the potential to cause hurt. It is a different sort of lie, and as you have stated was completely unnecessary at this stage, so what why do it? It is your call, just keep your eyes open.
joseb Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Here's the way I view it. Casual convo about the dating app, he told a white (grey?) lie about it. It may be he just deleted the app, not his account. He might be keeping his options open or maybe just his account in case this 2 date "relationship" doesn't work out. Now if this was a conversation along the lines of " hey we've been together now 3 months, I really want to become exclusive and I'm deleting my accounts" if he replies he is too, and says he has deleted his account, but hasn't, I would view that as a significant lie.
Poe77 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I can understand where you are all coming from, but I've made this mistake in the past, making a big issue of an innocuous thing! I see a number of explanations: 1. He likes me, but is keeping his options open. Blocks me because he doesn't want to think he's not interested. Lies about it because he would think it would make him look bad. 2. He likes me, but not in a serious way. Blocks me because he wants to play the field and enjoy himself. Lies about it because it lets him continue to play the field. 3. He is only after sex. Blocks me because he doesn't want any relationship drama if I see him on a dating app. Lies about it because he doesn't care. I am not trying to be naive here, and I am listening to your advice, but it seems to me that he has gone for option 1, and it just seems to have backfired (without him knowing yet). If I confront him it might seem I'm a stalker trying to find out if he's still on a dating app, and I don't think I have any right to do so. It's his life, he's entitled to continue dating others as we're not exclusive. Okay, so lying is never a nice thing, but I figure he's being backed into a corner (by his own doing). I just don't want to break up over something so silly, nor do I want to overlook worrying signals! It's so hard to know what to think of this. I guess im wondering why HE seams to have all the rights in this relationship and YOU seam to accept that he can treat you anyway he likes? Mind you I say relationship not in the bf/gf style but over all to me that kind of lie would not be tolerated from a friend much less a potential partner why are you selling yourself so short? You deserve respect as much as the next person and yes everyone tells white lies but that's not really a innocent white lie its potentially hurtful that's the difference. And I noticed at the end there you do say you dont want to "break up" over it...how can you break up when your not a couple? maybe at this point expectations are not quite clear on ether end? Okay, at first I thought I was being naive, but maybe some of you are as well! To think that no one lies when first starting to date is foolish. Everyone does it! It can be as simple as "I go jogging 5 times a week" when really you're lucky to go once. "I like my job" when you dread to go to work every day. They are lies, but you don't mean anything sinister by it. Telling the truth would make a bad early impression. I could put it another way. What if you went on a date with a guy, then later that week a different guy. Guy number 1 then asks you on your second date "have you been on a date with anyone else?". It would really hurt your chances if you told the truth here. Being honest about certain things isn't the wisest decision early on in a relationship. It's not like he's hiding a wife! I know I sound like I'm defending him, but I'm really just trying to see it from his perspective. I could imagine myself doing something silly like that in the early dating period. You could actually say I did - afterall I did kind of stalk him by getting my friend to see if he was still active on the dating app! No you are indeed defending him again there is a huge difference between "I run 5 miles a week" and hiding yourself and then blocking a women you are dating from seeing you on a app you both met on and use...one is a spur of the moment white lie the other is planed premeditated deception. And honestly with a person like that you never know how deep those lies are going to run who says he doesn't have a wife on the side? hes lieing and trying to deceive you and you just met him..its learned behavior after all its worked for him before so hes doing it again... And for the record in your scenario I would tell the 2ed guy im still seeing others why? cause its the truth until we got to the point were it was mutual and exclusive why start any relationship out on a lie?
Lampus Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 I would stop talking with this guy. You don't want him to see you as option. Don't initiate contact with him! Let him prove himself to you now because he's obviously keeping his options open.
babylonsfire Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Okay, at first I thought I was being naive, but maybe some of you are as well! To think that no one lies when first starting to date is foolish. Everyone does it! It can be as simple as "I go jogging 5 times a week" when really you're lucky to go once. "I like my job" when you dread to go to work every day. They are lies, but you don't mean anything sinister by it. Telling the truth would make a bad early impression. I could put it another way. What if you went on a date with a guy, then later that week a different guy. Guy number 1 then asks you on your second date "have you been on a date with anyone else?". It would really hurt your chances if you told the truth here. Being honest about certain things isn't the wisest decision early on in a relationship. It's not like he's hiding a wife! I know I sound like I'm defending him, but I'm really just trying to see it from his perspective. I could imagine myself doing something silly like that in the early dating period. You could actually say I did - afterall I did kind of stalk him by getting my friend to see if he was still active on the dating app! There are simple lies, lies we can even make that we do all the time, without even directly meaning to. Like...just 3 months ago, a girl asked me if I still "seen" my ex, I said no. Later, I thought about it, and said to myself; gosh I guess I do technically still see her, for about 30 seconds, to unbuckle and rebuckle the kids, four times per month. Do I still "see" her, as in spend time with her, have conversations with her, follow her on facebook? No. I see her only what is obligated to me by law. But yea, I guess I still see her, I lied, and not intentionally. I've told people that on average, I run 3 to 5 miles a week, to use your example. Is that true? Mostly, are there weeks I don't run at all, or much less? Certainly, are the weeks I run "a lot" more to make up for the weeks I don't run at all, usually not, that means my "average" is probably lower, its probably 1 to 2 miles a week, if you average it all out. But, the weeks I do actively run the full amount, its 3 to 5 miles per week, and that's like two weeks a month. I suppose, I could have used better vocabulary, I could say that I run up to 3 or 4 miles a week, and/or that I usually run at least a mile per week. Either way, I'm not intentionally lying, I'm not trying to "cover up" anything. We tell lies like this all the time, because of vocabulary mixups, because the actual truth might be a lot harder to explain and go into more detail on a subject that we don't want to at that particular moment, etc. But those lies aren't covering anything up usually, they're not trying to dodge intentional questions, they're not trying to deceive someone. It's not deception. What he's doing is deception, he's intentionally lying to you, to have you think one thing, while he does another, and worst, he has you defending him.
Recommended Posts