unexpected Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hello community, I've been seeing someone for about a month now. Over the weekend I revealed that I once had an arrangement with a younger woman. It was part of the conversation at the time so I just threw it out there. I had no idea that my new gf would be so offended and upset by it. In short, I was single, curious and heard about 'arrangements'. Being someone of available means, I thought I'd try it out. I had an arrangement with a younger woman for about two months. I only saw her four times and only two of those time was their any physical adult contact. The other two times were just dinner and a movie and conversations about the career field she was trying to break into. I helped her out with some of her expenses as part of the 'arrangement'. She didn't need the money. She wasn't homeless or struggling. It was just a mutually beneficial agreement between two adults. After the two months were up, I realized that it wasn't for me. It went against my personal beliefs and morals and I ended the arrangement and vowed to never do anything like that again. And, I haven't! Anyway, my new gf, once being in a vulnerable situation in life, felt that my actions were heinous! She said it was worse than had I paid a prostitute for sex and I was directly exploiting a woman in need who was compromising her own morals to feed herself. That was not the case! The woman I saw had a job and made plenty to pay her way, she was just using the 'sugar baby' thing to get a little insider information in the industry from somebody whose been there and I offered to cover miscellaneous expenses like cell phone bills and utilities. I also paid for the dinners and entertainment. My new gf says everything is okay and she is just needing a little time to process the information because the revelation somehow went against her expectations and perceptions of who I am. I feel like I am totally being judged harshly for my past actions. She has a past, too, full of things that I could easily use to put a wall up between us.....but, each time I find those kinds of things out about her, I tell her I won't let her past life, without me, define her present life, with me. I don't understand why she can't do the same for me. I'd like the communities perspective on this. Were my actions really heinous? I mean, I know they were unscrupulous and I did it at a time when I was recently divorced and kind of confused. I told my gf that and she thinks I'm trying to minimize my part in the exploitation of a woman. I'm not trying to minimize or justify anything. I admitted it was out of character for me and I would never do anything like that again. What do you all think about the situation?
jen1447 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 You sound incompatible, values-wise and intellectually.
Author unexpected Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 Jen, thank you for your response. Actually, we are both very high IQ individuals and my actions were a personal infringement on my own personal values. So, I have a conscious and am not pretending to be in the right on the issue. Could you elaborate on what makes you think that we are incompatible based on values and intellect?
courtney_kay Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I can understand why your girlfriend might be upset and needs time to process the fact that you were in a relationship like that. I think giving her time and space to wrap her head around it is the best thing you can do until she is ready to talk about it again. Personally, I don't think that your actions were heinous by any means. A sugar baby/daddy relationship involves TWO people. It's not like you trapped this girl in a relationship or forced her into nonconsensual sex, it was mutually beneficial for both of you. Coming from someone who has had plenty of friends who are "sugar babies," I personally believe that those types of relationships are way more common than people realize. 1
jen1447 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Intellect not that one's smarter or dumber than the other but that you process things differently and your methods of reasoning are different. She thinks forex that you having a history of what she sees as an unsavory trait means you're at risk of doing it again. Values should be pretty obvs - she has a problem w ppl behaving in ways that offend her sensibilities, you (despite deciding it wasn't for you) aren't ethically centered in such a way that you wouldn't try such a thing. 1
DKT3 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 So you had a sugar baby....I can see how that would upset a current girlfriend, even if it shouldn't. 1
Bounce2002 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Everyone has a past, including your g/f. Give her time, space..... Fill up your time with hanging with friends. But put a time line on how long you would be willing to sit idly by while she mulls it over. "Some things are better left unsaid" I'm not saying lie to her if she asks but maybe this was not the type of thing you just bring up casually. If she had an encounter years ago with her high school sweetheart and a female friend, there is a great chance she would never tell you about it. 1
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