hptalbot Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 It's been a year and half since my breakup in March 2015. She was my first serious relationship. I am on the autistic spectrum and social situations were difficult for me growing up. The reverse is true now, as I spent so many years mastering social skills I am pretty charismatic today, however I did not lose my virginity till I was 26 (June 2013,) and have spent the last few years making up for lost time so to speak. I met this woman in September of 2015, we were only together for six months but we became official almost immediately as both knew it was a good fit right off the bat. We fell in love almost immediately as well and I fell extremely hard. We spent almost every waking moment we could together for those six months, she would drive to my place of work just so she could be close to me and I was thankful because I felt sick when she was away. A week before she broke it off we were discussing marriage a few years down the line, she had our song picked out as well as the dance we would perform to it. She seemed so happy, I was the happiest I have ever been. I was so blindsided. She called me and told me it was over. I had never felt these things before, I cried and begged her not to go, did all the things I assume everyone does when they are faced with such a situation. I found out from her a week later she had slept with someone else right before she called to break up which made a bad situation exponentially worse. I went from despair, to anger, to wishing her well, then back again. Being faced with my first heartbreak was difficult enough, but with the cheating added on, lets just say its been rough, I was all over the place emotionally. As a person on the spectrum I try and rationalize everything. I had no idea what went wrong as I was given no indication of an impending breakup, and she refused to give me a reason saying "I would not be able to understand, that she was in a dark place and not ready to be with anyone." We eventually went no contact and I have not spoken to her in a year. I have on occasion peaked at her facebook to see whats going on with her. She has met someone else, and seems happy. My hurt has grown more dim over time as I was told it would, but it's always there. I know I could never be with her again, even if she wanted me back, some wounds run too deep, but this pain persists. I had our song in my head as I awoke this morning, I tried to shoo it away but it continues to ring in my mind. Whenever I have days like this I think, why am I still feeling this way? I've dealt with this, been through all the grief stages, even dated regularly. I've been away from her three times as long as I was with her yet she still has a hold on my heart I feel will never be released. What am I doing wrong here? What have I missed? Why am I still in love with this woman? 1
bummer Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 What am I doing wrong here? What have I missed? Why am I still in love with this woman? Nothing. Nothing. Because she was your first love. I still get pangs when something triggers a memory or a thought of the ex and the future we will never share. Sometimes it feels even when I date others, that my heart is still chained to her somehow. Like it will never be released. I guess now it's up to me each day to coax my heart back to me so I can share it with someone else. I just ask it to come back, literally, I just say out loud for my heart to return to me. I also seek moments of mindfulness to let me be content with me as me, where I am, and as I am. Anyways, keep dating and stop rationalizing. You two were just not right together. End of story. There's nothing you did or are doing that is wrong per se. It's just part of your journey to reclaim a piece of you that you think someone else has taken. I bet some of the lingering love is just longing for what you cannot have anymore. Keep trying to pull your heart back to yourself. What gaps in your own life are you trying to fill with the memory of this girl? Fill those gaps yourself if you can. Being on the spectrum doesn't define you. You define you. 2
Trinity_84 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Some people say we never truly get over our first love. That may be true for some, but that doesn't mean we can't move on to better times/relationships. For what it's worth it sounds like you're doing OK. It took me 3 years and a bunch of good dates and disastrous dates to get over my first love. I thought I would never get over him. I really did think he was the one and the only one I would ever love so intensely. I was wrong. Just hang in there.
Author hptalbot Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 I bet some of the lingering love is just longing for what you cannot have anymore. Keep trying to pull your heart back to yourself. What gaps in your own life are you trying to fill with the memory of this girl? Fill those gaps yourself if you can. I have been struggling lately. I moved in with my best friends right after the breakup because I wanted to be close to people I cared for and who cared for me. I needed that support network close by. Now that I am through the worst of it, the reality of the living situation is stressing me out. The people I live with have had their own drama and the house and rapidly falling into disrepair. Not to mention I quit my job a few months back for my own sanity (was working a call center) and my new job feels like two steps backwards both in pay and in fulfillment. It feels like a high schooler should be working my position, not a 30 year old man. I am taking steps to change my lot. I am moving in December to another suburb an hour away and going back to school, and will be getting a new job in the new town, hopefully one that either pays better or at least allows me some self respect, but right now in this moment the stress and loss of self esteem about my job and living situation may have something to do with this. I cleaned all day after I posted the thread and that made me feel marginally better. I also ate better today in hopes of forming better habits to combat my weight. But she has still been on my mind all day, I hope I can find a someone new to share my heart with soon, I think it might be the only cure for the way I feel. 1
bummer Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 But she has still been on my mind all day, I hope I can find a someone new to share my heart with soon, I think it might be the only cure for the way I feel. Yeah, usually I agree with the advice of moving onto someone new as a good step to get over someone, but it sounds like you should be focusing on yourself in this case. Change of scenery and change of pace will make a world of difference. I think if you make a plan to save up and move out sooner rather than later, and if you're super proactive finding another job, you will do far greater good for your mental health than lamenting the loss. Don't leave future plans for the future -or some cliche thing like that- applies here. Get up and get out now. Looking outward or to another person for the "cure" is never a good idea. Right your own ship first... by yourself. It's okay to get help, but don't depend on others for your salvation or self-esteem. You define you. 1
basil67 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Here is some rationalisation: During that first six months, our thoughts and desires are driven by a rush of hormones and adrenaline. This is why it feels so damn good. People behave better than they regularly would. They make promises and have thoughts which are not well considered. They confuse infatuation with love. And it's all totally normal and really confusing! When you are next in a relationship, enjoy this heady time. But don't make the mistake of giving too much credence to things said or done. When those hormones and adrenaline starts to die down (getting towards the one year mark), then you'll have a clearer view of how each of you feels and acts in real life. Read up on 'limerence' Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction | Huffington Post 2
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