Too soon to say I love you?

[Miss Peach]

My last BF waited almost 3 months because he was scared of scaring me off and thought I would bring it up. So we went into a stalemate for awhile. I had to bring it up with the latest BF because I found him online recently and if that's what he wanted I was going to move on.

 

I wouldn't take it as a good sign if he hasn't taken you off the market but I would force the discussion at 4 months and be prepared to walk away. With the XBF, I was planning to walk away and say it's because I wanted a BF and let him come get me if he wanted me.

[alphamale]

Any tips or insight?

 

put the kibosh on sex and see what happens

[Redhead14]

I have been dating this guy for 4 months. For the most part, it's been a good relationship. We are very compatible, and we do have some undeniable chemistry. I have really fallen for this guy. He has a lot of the qualities I have looked for in somebody. He treats me better than any other man I have dated.

 

That being said, we still have not talked about exclusivity. I really did feel like we were on the page for the most part and just avoided the topic. One of the reasons I have avoided the topic was because I have been burned before and I wasnt ready to get hurt again. Stupid, I know.

 

The other night we were together, and he was showing me something on his phone and i saw he still had the bumble app. My heart sank a little because I wasnt prepared for that. When I brought it up that it was on there, he casually dismissed it as where we met but didnt say why it was still there. It's been bothering me ever since. Plus, his communication and lack of intimacy the last week or so has me feeling like he is losing interest.

 

Now, I feel like the talk of exclusivity definitely has to happen but I am terrified. I feel like there is a big chance we arent on the same page anymore. I am not prepared to get heartbroken again especially after making so many plans for the future together. And the last few guys i have brought up exclusivity with told me they didnt want exclusivity so I am already expecting the worst.

 

I suck at these kinds of talks. I want to do it in person but dont know if I can wait that long. I also have no idea what to say. Any tips or insight?

 

You owe it to yourself to give and get clarity if you've been sleeping with a man and looking for a committed, long-term relationship with someone.

 

And, being afraid to bring it isn't mature. You are stringing yourself along if you avoid this conversation and living with anxiety and questions.

 

You simply say something like "You know, XName, I am hoping to have a long-term committed relationship for myself at some point and I have been enjoying the time we spend together and I don't want to see anyone else now so that I can explore that possibility with you" and then let him talk.

 

Their answer doesn't change because you brought it up. Whatever their answer is, is how they feel about it regardless.

[How]

And I thought I waited a long time to bring up exclusivity. Just tell him that you like him and if it isn't obvious all ready that you want to be exclusive.

[Larryville]

A man doesn't wait if he is seriously into you......

 

Me personally I have never had to have the "exclusivity" talk. When you are with someone and you both click you know.

 

Withholding the sex is a good idea too:D

[Jadedbyluv]

Me personally I have never had to have the "exclusivity" talk. When you are with someone and you both click you know.

 

Withholding the sex is a good idea too:D

 

Part of me never felt the need to have the talk until recently. We did just click and it all felt just right. But after seeing he still had bumble, it bothered me and I thought maybe I have been wrong.

 

I know I need to do it and I have played out the conversation a million times in my head, and I'm terrified because I am starting to think he doesn't want a committed relationship.

[Redhead14]

Part of me never felt the need to have the talk until recently. We did just click and it all felt just right. But after seeing he still had bumble, it bothered me and I thought maybe I have been wrong.

 

I know I need to do it and I have played out the conversation a million times in my head, and I'm terrified because I am starting to think he doesn't want a committed relationship.

 

I am starting to think he doesn't want a committed relationship -- Well, unless you start talking you may never know. It's better to find out now than to string yourself along for another month or so to find out.

 

Why would he stop using Bumble, Tinder, whatever, if you two have never had that conversation anyway. Maybe he's hesitant too. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Remove the maybes.

[leogirl876]

I am starting to think he doesn't want a committed relationship -- Well, unless you start talking you may never know. It's better to find out now than to string yourself along for another month or so to find out.

 

Why would he stop using Bumble, Tinder, whatever, if you two have never had that conversation anyway. Maybe he's hesitant too. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Remove the maybes.

 

Yeah I'm thinking that too. I'm thinking he enjoyed the company and the sex but had no intention of going further. Same thing happened to me, dated this guy for almost 3 months but didn't quit using dating site, and then said he wanted me to be patient with him because he moves slow in relationships. Fine, I can be patient as long as you can be patient not getting sex from me! Men have to understand they can't have it both ways. And they think we're doing it to punish them or trap them, no, it's to protect our heart, but men don't understand that concept.

 

If after 4 months he's not sure what he wants or whatever, then make up his mind for him and walk! You're not asking him to marry you, you're asking him to not date or sleep with anyone else so you can both see if this goes anywhere. I don't think that's too much to ask!

[kendahke]

I have been dating this guy for 4 months. For the most part, it's been a good relationship. We are very compatible, and we do have some undeniable chemistry. I have really fallen for this guy. He has a lot of the qualities I have looked for in somebody. He treats me better than any other man I have dated.

 

That being said, we still have not talked about exclusivity. I really did feel like we were on the page for the most part and just avoided the topic. One of the reasons I have avoided the topic was because I have been burned before and I wasnt ready to get hurt again. Stupid, I know.

 

The other night we were together, and he was showing me something on his phone and i saw he still had the bumble app. My heart sank a little because I wasnt prepared for that. When I brought it up that it was on there, he casually dismissed it as where we met but didnt say why it was still there. It's been bothering me ever since. Plus, his communication and lack of intimacy the last week or so has me feeling like he is losing interest.

 

Now, I feel like the talk of exclusivity definitely has to happen but I am terrified. I feel like there is a big chance we arent on the same page anymore. I am not prepared to get heartbroken again especially after making so many plans for the future together. And the last few guys i have brought up exclusivity with told me they didnt want exclusivity so I am already expecting the worst.

 

I suck at these kinds of talks. I want to do it in person but dont know if I can wait that long. I also have no idea what to say. Any tips or insight?

 

Anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

 

Communication is essential in all relationships. You can't tiptoe around, keeping your mouth shut out of fear of hearing something you don't want to hear, but need to hear.

 

You have to open your mouth and speak up for what you want because he cannot read your mind. If what you say sends him fleeing, then he needs to be gone and you need to be well rid of him. That mess will age you faster than anything--trying to keep a man who doesn't want to be kept.

 

At the 4 month mark, you are beginning the phase of the relationship where the "representatives" are sent away and the "real 'you'" arrives. Your representatives started the fire going and now you and he, with your representatives sent away, are charged with tending the fire--and if he can't be arsed to declare that he's with you and only you, then understand that you are dealing with the real him and this is how he behaves in his relationships.

 

This is also the time that relationships which should fail start failing--because you can't hide who you really are and if who you really are cannot coexist with the person you're with, your relationship is going to be one big, huge, unnecessary problem caused by wanting what you want and damb everything else. That never, ever works out well.

 

Future plans he's been talking about? Chances are, he was just thinking out loud and you were able to hear him.

 

Find your voice, find your spine and speak up for yourself. You have to stand sentry to your boundaries--that can't fall to others. Ever.

[Miss Peach]

Part of me never felt the need to have the talk until recently. We did just click and it all felt just right. But after seeing he still had bumble, it bothered me and I thought maybe I have been wrong.

 

I have a post covering the same thing. It's hurtful. You have every right to know where you stand so you can protect yourself if necessary IMO.

 

Yeah I'm thinking that too. I'm thinking he enjoyed the company and the sex but had no intention of going further. Same thing happened to me, dated this guy for almost 3 months but didn't quit using dating site, and then said he wanted me to be patient with him because he moves slow in relationships. Fine, I can be patient as long as you can be patient not getting sex from me! Men have to understand they can't have it both ways. And they think we're doing it to punish them or trap them, no, it's to protect our heart, but men don't understand that concept.

 

If after 4 months he's not sure what he wants or whatever, then make up his mind for him and walk! You're not asking him to marry you, you're asking him to not date or sleep with anyone else so you can both see if this goes anywhere. I don't think that's too much to ask!

 

Totally agree with this. I wound up doing this with the latest BF so did so with no hesitation. But yes, if he had hesitated I would have either walked away or just taken sex off the table. I can't do it continuously without feelings so I just don't get involved with FWBs.

 

I normally would have just dumped him at that point but I did give him a little but of wiggle room because he's very inexperienced and really hasn't tried to date anyone other than his ex-wife so he really seems clueless about how to lead since I met him. I've been having to lead from behind so to speak since I won't lead in a relationship with a man.

 

The previous BF, I hadn't slept with him yet but even at 3 months dating him was getting old if it wasn't going to go anywhere.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Miss Peach

[lolablue17]

I can never understand people who wait so much time in a non exclusive relationship (Assuming they don't look for FWB or an open relationship).

 

My view is that after about 2 or 3 dates, if both still want to continue, it automatically should become exclusive, unless someone says otherwise. I would never agree to date someone who is "shopping" while dating me.

 

So OP, I advise you to make the exclusivity today. Unless you're fine being one of many.

[alphamale]

My view is that after about 2 or 3 dates, if both still want to continue, it automatically should become exclusive, unless someone says otherwise.

 

thats how they do it in europe

[Jadedbyluv]

I've posted a few times about the current guy I'm dating. We have been dating for almost 5 months, and we have a pretty great connection. He is pretty fantastic, and he has so many of the qualities I have looked for in a guy. Plus, we truly do complement each other.

 

I've realized the last few posts I have made about him come from a place of insecurity and self-doubt. I create unnecessary anxiety for myself with negative thoughts and jumping to conclusions. He has never really given me a reason to doubt him or his feelings. I just tend to overthink and overanalyze which comes a lot from my past and self-esteem issues. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for way too long. I have had been lied to, cheated on and manipulated in other relationships. Plus, I also have a lot of self-esteem issues stemming from my childhood and my relationship with my mother. I realize these things, and I try to put things in perspective. I constantly try to work on myself. I go see a therapist when needed, but sometimes I still struggle.

 

I sometimes get triggers which exacerbate these anxieties. For instance, my mother recently told me that I should enjoy my current relationship while it lasts because he's going to leave me soon anyway. She said this out of malice, and it was totally uncalled for. But there is part of me that starts to think, will he? Am I not good enough? A lot of negative self talk.

 

I guess my question really is, how do others cope with relationship anxieties and self-doubt? I want to be present in my relationship instead of worrying because if I don't I may ruin something good.

[whichwayisup]

Have you done any counseling? If not, it'll help you gain confidence and rid of your insecurities..Or at least understand that the past and your past hurts should not be put on someone new.

 

You know he hasn't done anything to make you not trust him. Allowing your mom to get into your head is a big mistake, she's feeding your insecurities and fears.

 

Have a conversation with him about your past and abusive relationship, and that you have a mom who isn't kind and says awful things to you.. He may just need to know this stuff so he can give you extra TLC so you won't question your relationship with him and have faith/trust that he does care and likes you a lot.

 

If you continue projecting and putting your past emotional baggage into your new relationship, it'll be the reason why your R may fail...Nothing to do with him but your own issues.

[Miss Peach]

I found Natalie Lue's blog baggage reclaim very helpful with self-esteem building.

[NopeNah]

How's your mother's relationship history? A lot of people try to 'rain on your parade' when their not happy with themselves(jealousy).

[IfonlyIknew]

I was in your shoes around 5 months, I finally settled into being more secure in my relationship around the 7th mark. It's a matter of trusting him, and learning his patterns. We both go quiet at times, before I'd freak out and then realized it's healthy to have space and not be all over each other 24/7. It'll get better!!

[Gaeta]

There is anxiety that is born out of nowhere and find its root deep within you.

 

Then there is anxiety that is caused by unstable circumstances, it's an anxiety you should listen to, an inner alarm that warns you something is off.

 

If your case I am afraid you are trying to convince yourself all of your worries are anxiety born within you and it's an excuse to not face the fact that man you're dating is showing signs of 'not being to you'.

 

You're about to reach 5 months dating. As he spoken about exclusivity yet? Do you have a GF title?

[Jadedbyluv]

Have you done any counseling?

I have done therapy. Trust me, I am in a way better place than when I started with therapy but I still have stuff I need to work on. A lot of it stems from my self-esteem and self-worth. A lot of the time, I just don't feel like I am enough.

 

How's your mother's relationship history? A lot of people try to 'rain on your parade' when their not happy with themselves(jealousy).

My parents have been married for 32 years. They have their share of issues. But most of it stems from her alcoholism. I know she tries to use hurtful words to make me hurt like her but sometimes it still gets to you.

 

There is anxiety that is born out of nowhere and find its root deep within you.

 

Then there is anxiety that is caused by unstable circumstances, it's an anxiety you should listen to, an inner alarm that warns you something is off.

 

If your case I am afraid you are trying to convince yourself all of your worries are anxiety born within you and it's an excuse to not face the fact that man you're dating is showing signs of 'not being to you'.

 

You're about to reach 5 months dating. As he spoken about exclusivity yet? Do you have a GF title?

 

We did have a talk a few weeks ago now, and it was a good talk. We talked about exclusivity and we are on the same page. He said what we have going is good and that we are lucky to have found what we have.

 

But some fears still linger and a lot of it is based on my past. For instance, I have this irrational fear he is going to ghost me. I fear of being cheated on. All stuff that has happened to me. But he hasn't done anything to support these fears.

[Gaeta]

But some fears still linger and a lot of it is based on my past. For instance, I have this irrational fear he is going to ghost me. I fear of being cheated on. All stuff that has happened to me. But he hasn't done anything to support these fears.

 

So what if he ghosts? ......you'll die? no. You'll be hurt, you'll get back up , and life will go on. Same with if he cheats. None of it will kill you. Stop worrying for 'what might happen'. If it does happen then it does and you'll cross that bridge when you get there.

[Miss Peach]

But some fears still linger and a lot of it is based on my past. For instance, I have this irrational fear he is going to ghost me. I fear of being cheated on. All stuff that has happened to me. But he hasn't done anything to support these fears.

 

I had a BF ghost on me after telling me he loved me. Like literally within days. I was nervous through my last relationship because I was worried too. I kept reminding myself to live in the moment and just enjoy what it was. You can't control the outcome. You might be together a few months, a few years, etc. You just have no idea so just enjoy the experience.

 

I didn't want to do anything to that relationship due to my last one so I really tried not to let that impact anything in that relationship and he never knew other than I did share with him the story when discussing exes. In the end that relationship was incompatible for me and I had to let it go but I enjoyed it up to the very end.

[Jadedbyluv]

Tonight I am going out with friends to celebrate my birthday. Nothing crazy, just a casual night with bowling and drinks. I invited my boyfriend along and at first he was like I love bowling but didn't commit to coming. When we talked about it again, he said he wasn't feeling well and doesn't think he should go. Am I being insensitive if I think he should still come? I just asked him to make an appearance. It's my birthday and I thought he would want to be there. I get he is sick with a sinus infection but he's not bed ridden.

[Redhead14]

Tonight I am going out with friends to celebrate my birthday. Nothing crazy, just a casual night with bowling and drinks. I invited my boyfriend along and at first he was like I love bowling but didn't commit to coming. When we talked about it again, he said he wasn't feeling well and doesn't think he should go. Am I being insensitive if I think he should still come? I just asked him to make an appearance. It's my birthday and I thought he would want to be there. I get he is sick with a sinus infection but he's not bed ridden.

 

In your other threads about this guy, you've been extremely anxious about the relationship. You got some advice about talking to him and finding out what his "investment" in the relationship is. Did that conversation ever happen? Did he agree to/offer exclusivity and/or ask you to be his girlfriend?

 

If not, then you need to leave this situation alone. In that case, you are not in a relationship that "requires" him to come out with you.

 

I'd say he's just not that invested in the relationship. Again, are you sure he's your boyfriend? You may think you're his girlfriend, but unless he's of that mindset too -- you're not. If you two have declared the relationship, he's not holding up his end.

[ChatroomHero]

It's your birthday, if you are older than 10 years old it is pretty meaningless. It's kind of selfish if your bf is sick to expect him to come out for something so silly. It's not like you couldn't celebrate it with him another day if you need to be made to feel special for living another year.

[ASG]

It's your birthday, if you are older than 10 years old it is pretty meaningless. It's kind of selfish if your bf is sick to expect him to come out for something so silly. It's not like you couldn't celebrate it with him another day if you need to be made to feel special for living another year.

 

Why is it meaningless??? I LOVE my birthday and LOVE celebrating it. I turned 34 on Monday and having a big bash tonight. I'd be upset if my bf didn't show up. Unless he was dying. It seems he has "a headache" and is making an excuse.