Rejected a guy and ****ed up

October 10, 2016

I rejected a guy who I went on a few dates with. We meet through a mutual friend and things went very quickly.

First date we get to know each other. He texted me the next day askin to go out again. It was a little awkward but he did held my hand. Third date he kissed me and we hugged. Fourth date we were acting like a couple (holding hands, sitting in the park cuddling, made out and touched without skin to skin contact. That is when I'm like **** this is going so fast.

First:

He's never good with girls and he said it's hard to go this far with girls. I am worried he liked me because he never get girls and he finally get someone. It's his first relationship and I feel like he will cheat/leave when he find a more compatible girl.

Second:

Maybe it's because he is a little shy, but there is not as much chemistry as I would like. We get along but we didn't have much to talk about. He's really smart and I kind of felt like he thinks our conversations are not as intellectual as he wants (my own feelings).

Third:

He doesn't really text, he just text to make plans. This makes me feel like he wasn't entirely interested.

Well I told him I want to be friends through the phone and he was really cold. He asked what I want from this relationship and I said let's stay friends. He kept saying yeah and ok and when I asked if we can still be friends...he said maybe we need some space (basically no thanks). I also told him I felt like he wasn't very sure and he did told me no one is too sure this early on (which is why I think he's not that interested.

I texted my friend afterwards (shoildnt have done that) to make sure everything is cool. I didn't realized this might have hurted his pride. I also texted him afterwards but he didn't reply at all. I told him without warning. Wd actually texted two day before, joke around about our upcoming weekend plans that never get to happen.

The most awkward thing is that we both have a conversation on our fourth date where he told me his bad experiences with girls, being friend-zoned a lot and things like that. Then he said I hope this won't happen to us and I ensure him it won't...

I did think about making a relationship with this guy. Would I have dated him? I think so if other things didn't happen. I was just scared things went so fast. Oh crap. Then again, if he was interested..he won't have cut me entirely out. I am nkt looking for attention but I guess it hurts because he didn't care at all and it feels meaningless to him. I actually thought about starting a relationship.

What did you guys think? If it helps, we are the same age, but he's moving to a new city for work in a year anyways.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Thaymore

October 10, 2016

Also I thought things went fast because he invited.me back to his place after the third date, which I politely reject and he did it again for our upcoming weekend ones. He doesn't have roommates. I accepted the last one (before rejection) because he told me if I want to take things slower, just let him know and if he did anything uncomfortable, let him know.

October 10, 2016

I rejected a guy who I went on a few dates with. We meet through a mutual friend and things went very quickly.

First date we get to know each other. He texted me the next day askin to go out again. It was a little awkward but he did held my hand. Third date he kissed me and we hugged. Fourth date we were acting like a couple (holding hands, sitting in the park cuddling, made out and touched without skin to skin contact. That is when I'm like **** this is going so fast.

First:
He's never good with girls and he said it's hard to go this far with girls. I am worried he liked me because he never get girls and he finally get someone. It's his first relationship and I feel like he will cheat/leave when he find a more compatible girl.

Second:
Maybe it's because he is a little shy, but there is not as much chemistry as I would like. We get along but we didn't have much to talk about. He's really smart and I kind of felt like he thinks our conversations are not as intellectual as he wants (my own feelings).

Third:
He doesn't really text, he just text to make plans. This makes me feel like he wasn't entirely interested.

Well I told him I want to be friends through the phone and he was really cold. He asked what I want from this relationship and I said let's stay friends. He kept saying yeah and ok and when I asked if we can still be friends...he said maybe we need some space (basically no thanks). I also told him I felt like he wasn't very sure and he did told me no one is too sure this early on (which is why I think he's not that interested.

I texted my friend afterwards (shoildnt have done that) to make sure everything is cool. I didn't realized this might have hurted his pride. I also texted him afterwards but he didn't reply at all. I told him without warning. Wd actually texted two day before, joke around about our upcoming weekend plans that never get to happen.

The most awkward thing is that we both have a conversation on our fourth date where he told me his bad experiences with girls, being friend-zoned a lot and things like that. Then he said I hope this won't happen to us and I ensure him it won't...

I did think about making a relationship with this guy. Would I have dated him? I think so if other things didn't happen. I was just scared things went so fast. Oh crap. Then again, if he was interested..he won't have cut me entirely out. I am nkt looking for attention but I guess it hurts because he didn't care at all and it feels meaningless to him. I actually thought about starting a relationship.

What did you guys think? If it helps, we are the same age, but he's moving to a new city for work in a year anyways.

I am nkt looking for attention but I guess it hurts because he didn't care at all and it feels meaningless to him. -- So, basically, you're saying that since he didn't beg or plead or chase after you, YOU'RE hurt?

He doesn't really text, he just text to make plans. This makes me feel like he wasn't entirely interested.

which is why I think he's not that interested.

on our fourth date where he told me his bad experiences with girls, being friend-zoned a lot and things like that

So you used something you know was hurtful to him as a way to get him to UP things with you and he refused to bite and be manipulated.

he won't have cut me entirely out -- He did the right thing. He knew you two weren't on the same page and went no contact. That is what most of us here would have told him to do if he were posting.

If a woman puts a man in the friendzone when he wants something more, he should move on and vice versa.

"it's moving too fast" while at the same time questioning his interest????

October 10, 2016

Actually, are you still romantically interested in him? Would you continue going out on actual dates with him? Do you miss being with him and have strong desire to see him right away? It is also strange that you are interested in him, why would you suggest that you two should become friends....

on the other hand, I think his action is congruent with a person who is interested in you. Some guys dont text much to banter, many are taught to use text just to set up dates (from online dating couches)

He ask you out (this means he is interested), and he plans the date ( another plus), and you can feel him on the date , feel his presence, use your sixth sense to determine whether he is interested.

October 10, 2016

Actually, are you still romantically interested in him? Would you continue going out on actual dates with him? Do you miss being with him and have strong desire to see him right away? It is also strange that you are interested in him, why would you suggest that you two should become friends....

on the other hand, I think his action is congruent with a person who is interested in you. Some guys dont text much to banter, many are taught to use text just to set up dates (from online dating couches)
He ask you out (this means he is interested), and he plans the date ( another plus), and you can feel him on the date , feel his presence, use your sixth sense to determine whether he is interested.

use your sixth sense -- Sixth sense? She doesn't have enough sense about herself and what she wants and expects or the communication skills necessary for dating. She was "thinking about a relationship with him" but instead of having a real conversation about what she's wants and expects, she tested him.

October 10, 2016

Actually, are you still romantically interested in him? Would you continue going out on actual dates with him? Do you miss being with him and have strong desire to see him right away? It is also strange that you are interested in him, why would you suggest that you two should become friends....

on the other hand, I think his action is congruent with a person who is interested in you. Some guys dont text much to banter, many are taught to use text just to set up dates (from online dating couches)
He ask you out (this means he is interested), and he plans the date ( another plus), and you can feel him on the date , feel his presence, use your sixth sense to determine whether he is interested.

I guess I just had bad experiences with guys and I don't want to be cheated on again. I just don't want him to date me because I'm probably the only girl who went this far with him. Yes..I think he's interested but he's also quiet. If other things won't happen, I probably would have continued. He's a nice guy.

I am very careful with guys so I want to make sure this guy is not just trying to sleep with me. It's just been a few dates and I feel like going to his place hints something.

October 10, 2016

I am nkt looking for attention but I guess it hurts because he didn't care at all and it feels meaningless to him. -- So, basically, you're saying that since he didn't beg or plead or chase after you, YOU'RE hurt?

He doesn't really text, he just text to make plans. This makes me feel like he wasn't entirely interested.

which is why I think he's not that interested.

on our fourth date where he told me his bad experiences with girls, being friend-zoned a lot and things like that

So you used something you know was hurtful to him as a way to get him to UP things with you and he refused to bite and be manipulated.

he won't have cut me entirely out -- He did the right thing. He knew you two weren't on the same page and went no contact. That is what most of us here would have told him to do if he were posting.

If a woman puts a man in the friendzone when he wants something more, he should move on and vice versa.

"it's moving too fast" while at the same time questioning his interest????

No I didn't. When I talked to him I really thought we should be friends. I didn't want to hurt this person either.

October 10, 2016

I guess I just had bad experiences with guys and I don't want to be cheated on again. I just don't want him to date me because I'm probably the only girl who went this far with him. Yes..I think he's interested but he's also quiet. If other things won't happen, I probably would have continued. He's a nice guy.

I am very careful with guys so I want to make sure this guy is not just trying to sleep with me. It's just been a few dates and I feel like going to his place hints something.

But all things set aside, deep down, are you romantically interested in him?

October 10, 2016

But all things set aside, deep down, are you romantically interested in him?

I think it's too late.

October 10, 2016

Yes, yes it is... If you haven't figured it out yet, a guy will not even go out on the first date if he doesn't want to sleep with you eventually, and from your reasoning, you are going to reject any guy who wants to date you for that reason. My advice to you is to get a dog, so you will have something to cuddle with and keep you company in your old age.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Poutrew

October 10, 2016

I think it's too late.

Then it doesn't matter anymore what he does now. You dont like him anymore.

October 10, 2016

No I didn't. When I talked to him I really thought we should be friends. I didn't want to hurt this person either.

No I didn't

Yeah, ya did. You were reacting and coming from a place of fear and distrust from previous experiences instead of weighing this scenario on it's own merits and trying to read his mind and pre-empting.

October 10, 2016

Yes, yes it is... If you haven't figured it out yet, a guy will not even go out on the first date if he doesn't want to sleep with you eventually, and from your reasoning, you are going to reject any guy who wants to date you for that reason. My advice to you is to get a dog, so you will have something to cuddle with and keep you company in your old age.

What I mean is I want to establish a real relationship before sleeping with anymore. I don't want a casual relationship with just sleeping involved.

October 10, 2016

No I didn't

Yeah, ya did. You were reacting and coming from a place of fear and distrust from previous experiences instead of weighing this scenario on it's own merits and trying to read his mind and pre-empting.

Well there's nothing I can do right?

October 10, 2016

What I mean is I want to establish a real relationship before sleeping with anymore. I don't want a casual relationship with just sleeping involved.

So you have a conversation with new dating partners and let them know what you are looking for out of your dating journey and let them tell you what they are looking for. You don't try to read their minds and/or assume they just want to sleep with you. That's very unfair. Just because a guy holds your hand after the 4th date, doesn't indicate he's a player or just wants to get into your pants. Gosh, there needs to be some kind of physical closeness in order to bond at least.

You control whether or not someone sleeps with you by communicating and keeping strong boundaries and observing whether they date you in a way that demonstrates that they understand and are in agreement with/accepting/respecting your wishes.

October 10, 2016

I see this time and again on this board. Women who feel something isn't right with their date, so they call it off. And then they are hurt when the guy doesn't fight for it. Of course they don't want to be friends or chase after a women who's just rejected them.

This makes zero sense. And I'm a woman, too.

You suggested just being friends, OP. I get that you don't want to move too fast, and that's perfectly okay. But there is a difference between taking it slowly and just calling the whole thing off before it ever really gets off the ground. If you felt he only wanted you for sex, then you did the right thing. In which, you shouldn't be doubting your decision so much.

But if you are so fearful that you can't give a guy you actually like a chance, you're not really ready to date yet. It is normal to be cautious, especially after a betrayal, but it's also not wise to make someone pay for an ex's mistakes. Otherwise, you will sabotage something that might be good.

October 10, 2016

Well there's nothing I can do right?

It's hard to unring a bell . . . let this one go and try to be more objective in the future.

October 10, 2016

Well there's nothing I can do right?

That would be correct. That's the whole point of rejection. When some is rejected they have been informed that the person wants nothing to do with them.

You pretty much made that clear.

I doubt he will be beating down your door for a second chance, he will probably avoid you like the plague,

October 10, 2016

It's hard to unring a bell . . . let this one go and try to be more objective in the future.

Yeah kind of crappy because I guess we both saw potential in this relationship. His words were he wasn't sure yet since it's been only a few dates, yet we still kept going out and planned things in his place. I don't know.

October 10, 2016

Then it doesn't matter anymore what he does now. You dont like him anymore.

Did you mean you are interested in him now, but that it is too late to save the situation? because I took it as that it is too late as you are no longer interested in him.

If the former is the case, I think you should reach out to him and express your thought sincerely, explain the whole situation, and express your interest in dating him, as well as apologizing for confusing him. You rejected him, and now you want him, you have to make him understand what is going on.

It takes clear communication between you two, and that he decides to give you a chance.

October 10, 2016

Yeah kind of crappy because I guess we both saw potential in this relationship. His words were he wasn't sure yet since it's been only a few dates, yet we still kept going out and planned things in his place. I don't know.

Well, here' the reality, it's expensive to go out all the time. And, seeing how someone lives is something that could influence your decision in terms of seeing a future with them.

If he invited you on the first or second date, yeah, I'd be a little skeptical but if I really liked him and he was, otherwise, treating me well and with respect, I'd simply say "you know, let's go to X place, my treat and keep getting to know one another better :)"

You could try to reconnect with him, but I'd say he's going to be hesitant at best. If you do try, be upfront and take a little more of the lead for a little bit to give him some confidence about whether you are sincere. I mean, invite him somewhere and pay, etc. as a gesture of good faith. And, then let him take the lead again and allow him to initiate again.

October 10, 2016

I see this time and again on this board. Women who feel something isn't right with their date, so they call it off. And then they are hurt when the guy doesn't fight for it. Of course they don't want to be friends or chase after a women who's just rejected them.

This makes zero sense. And I'm a woman, too.

You suggested just being friends, OP. I get that you don't want to move too fast, and that's perfectly okay. But there is a difference between taking it slowly and just calling the whole thing off before it ever really gets off the ground. If you felt he only wanted you for sex, then you did the right thing. In which, you shouldn't be doubting your decision so much.

But if you are so fearful that you can't give a guy you actually like a chance, you're not really ready to date yet. It is normal to be cautious, especially after a betrayal, but it's also not wise to make someone pay for an ex's mistakes. Otherwise, you will sabotage something that might be good.

It makes sense in a way. Let's say you tell your boss: ''I'm leaving'' and he says: ''That's ok" You're probably a bit disapointed. You might hope het wanted you to stay.

Same with love.

October 10, 2016

It makes sense in a way. Let's say you tell your boss: ''I'm leaving'' and he says: ''That's ok" You're probably a bit disapointed. You might hope het wanted you to stay.

Same with love.

If you tell someone you're leaving, whether it's romantic or work-related, you shouldn't do it just to get a reaction from them. When it's romantic, it's cruel and manipulative. When it's work-related it's just plain stupid. Why would you pretend to quit your job? That's a great way to get yourself fired..just like rejecting someone romantically is a great way to stop dating someone you weren't interested in to begin with without a messy split. It's f***ed up to mess with someone you're not into just to get attention.

The one time I quit a job, I was most definitely NOT hoping to hear my boss beg me to stay. I just wanted out.

October 10, 2016

It makes sense in a way. Let's say you tell your boss: ''I'm leaving'' and he says: ''That's ok" You're probably a bit disapointed. You might hope het wanted you to stay.

Same with love.

No, not if I really meant it. Both with a boss and a boyfriend. I am relieved when no drama ensues.

If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say I'm leaving to begin with. People who do that are eliciting a reaction and not acting out of a sincere intention to leave.

October 10, 2016

Never ever say "I want to be friends" that is a kick to the nuts. You should have told him plain and simple you are not feeling a connection, your feelings are not growing, this isn't going to work, you don't have enough interest/no chemistry, not enough in common, etc.

It's pretty obvious why he gets friend zoned....because his personality is lame, he is boring because he shows very little emotion, doesn't know how to flirt or build up sexual tension. He is too weak, lacks personality, charm etc. NOT your problem, so stop feeling so guilty that you think you should try and go back. Cut off all contact and move on. If he is bitter about it that is his own doing. He needs to figure it out on his own, that the problem lies with him, not the girls he dates.

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Rejected a guy and ****ed up

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