Asmith Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hi, I'm new to this and hopefully I can get some feedback.. I had a pretty serious conversation with my boyfriend today and it has got me thinking about our relationship. But before I can even begin what we spoke today I'll give you a back story. I had two jobs and I was earning money pretty well. We were also in good terms and we were also going to school at the time. I got very greedy and I ended up in trouble. With everything already taken care of I still lost my jobs and now I'm waiting for a record seal. I've never felt this unstable before and I was getting depressed. I couldn't find a job yet and almost 90% of the time I'm stuck at home. I have hobbies to pass time but it was still not enough. I started getting needy and wanting my boyfriend to talk to me more and/or to see me more. Those conversations were brought up twice but it was intense. This was early on while I was fresh from getting in trouble. I admit I was being a needy butthole asking for attention. However, he understood what I was going through so he didn't seem to mind. From then on, he would call me in the morning, sometimes call/text me during his break and he liked calling me at night as well. Also, we would see each other 2-3x a week. All fun and dandy. Finally it came out today that he wishes he can have space from me. But he's scared that I'll get angry and throw a fit like the other 2x.. It hurt me a lot. I didn't know I was becoming possessive at all till this was mentioned.. What's funny was that I have been needing space from him for a while as well but I never thought to ask him since I thought he enjoyed talking to and seeing me. But for the past few months I have been trying to give him space... Such as telling him he doesn't have to pick me up or see me if he wants to just stay in, or when I'm on the phone I tell him he can go and relax/or take a nap before going into work. Sometimes I even purposely ignore the calls so he doesn't have to keep pushing... I know he pushes because he's worried about me that I'm not doing anything... But is that healthy? I really don't believe it is. I didn't mean for this situation to happen this way, the first time I've heard about something like this. It really affected him but the funny thing is, I never really have initiated calling and/or texting. It's not that I never do it but for the most part he's usually the one to contact me. When I have those moments (which were just those 2 times) where I'm feeling alone and the anxiety kicks in, I admit I act like an attention seeker. But it's been months now and I find myself being the one to tell him that it's ok to stay home and relax, that he doesn't have to talk to me, that I don't have to be there all the time, that he can hang out with other people and not have me there all the time.. The thing is he insists all the time... And always had if I'm perfectly honest. I feel that I've been giving him plenty of space for the past few months and I haven't complained to him about attention. He tells me because he's been on his "A" game that he's been contacting me a lot and would see me once or twice a week... I understand what he's going through and why he's this way. But I can't help as well that he's pulling the guilt card on me that it's my fault that I can't give him space... At my moments of anxiety I go to him because... I trust him more than anyone I know. It makes me question times spent with him and calls if he ever enjoyed it, it really hurts. I can tell when he's not in the mood to talk to me and I tell him it's fine but he's always insisting regardless! I can literally think of any excuse to give him space and HE STILL WON'T TAKE IT. At this point idk what he wants. But I hate that he's putting all this blame on me and telling his parents about it and making ME look like the possessive one... I took the initiative and told him we need to scale back on our communication and seeing each other. Even though we have been seeing each other only once or twice a week for a couple hours.. But I guess that seems to be too much for him. But I'm not going to make this so much of a problem anymore but I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing.. Was I being too possessive? Does he have a right to feel this way? Do I have the right to feel this way?
PegNosePete Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 At this point idk what he wants. Well why don't you ask him? This whole thing sounds immature and childish to me. If you both have an honest conversation about what you want in the relationship, instead of trying to second-guess each other all the time, then you'll both feel much better and have a much better idea of how to move forward. Personally I believe that relationships are meant to always be moving forward. When one partner asks for space, it is an incredibly bad sign and means that the relationship is ending. If it is ending then it's better to just end it than drag it out. Does he have a right to feel this way? Do I have the right to feel this way? Weird question. How can someone have a right to feelings? Feelings just are. So to answer: yes you both have rights to your feelings. That doesn't mean you're both acting reasonably. It simply means that feelings are feelings, and you will both still have those feelings even if someone tell you that you don't have the "right" to them. Feelings are rights which cannot be taken away. 1
Author Asmith Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 Well why don't you ask him? This whole thing sounds immature and childish to me. If you both have an honest conversation about what you want in the relationship, instead of trying to second-guess each other all the time, then you'll both feel much better and have a much better idea of how to move forward. Personally I believe that relationships are meant to always be moving forward. When one partner asks for space, it is an incredibly bad sign and means that the relationship is ending. If it is ending then it's better to just end it than drag it out. Weird question. How can someone have a right to feelings? Feelings just are. So to answer: yes you both have rights to your feelings. That doesn't mean you're both acting reasonably. It simply means that feelings are feelings, and you will both still have those feelings even if someone tell you that you don't have the "right" to them. Feelings are rights which cannot be taken away. He has told me! But he has taken it out of proportion, I understand he may be used to talking to me a lot but it's clear that he doesn't want to have to worry about having to call me and just decompress at his home. And I don't entirely believe asking for space calls for a relationship ending, but more of a cry for help. He said so himself he still wants to work it out but he doesn't want to have to call me on his break and or every hour of the day. Simply 3 texts is good for him. Took a while for me to accept it but we've been far gone into our relationship that it doesn't mind for me anymore. I just don't like that he asks for space but he blames me for all of it. Every time he wants space I always give it to him and he always refers back to those moments I had when I was feeling needy.
PegNosePete Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 He has told me! Well what was his answer? Does he want a relationship with you, or not? It seems to me that he doesn't, but he doesn't want to be alone either so he's holding onto a relationship that he knows is going nowhere just to not be lonely. He said so himself he still wants to work it out So what is he doing to work it out then?
Author Asmith Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 Well what was his answer? Does he want a relationship with you, or not? It seems to me that he doesn't, but he doesn't want to be alone either so he's holding onto a relationship that he knows is going nowhere just to not be lonely. So what is he doing to work it out then? He still wants to be in a relationship but he just needed space. I was really anal about it before because he barely spoke to me and we didn't see each other much at all. Felt like he was just a friend to me, I've told him how I felt about it but I never made him do anything. Simple texts or just even a 10 minute call was too much for him.
PegNosePete Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 He still wants to be in a relationship but he just needed space. Well that doesn't really answer the question does it? Does he need "more space" on a long term basis or is this a temporary thing while he gets over some issues? What does he want in the future of the relationship? Does he want the relationship to move forward? How does he forsee that happening if he wants to keep his space and you're not going to be seeing any more of each other? Those are the questions I would be asking him. It sounds like neither of you are happy, and neither of you are doing anything to improve matters. That is why I say the relationship seems like it's dying. If he's not happy with more contact, and you're not happy with less, then it's a basic incompatibility.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hi, I'm new to this and hopefully I can get some feedback.. I had a pretty serious conversation with my boyfriend today and it has got me thinking about our relationship. But before I can even begin what we spoke today I'll give you a back story. I had two jobs and I was earning money pretty well. We were also in good terms and we were also going to school at the time. I got very greedy and I ended up in trouble. With everything already taken care of I still lost my jobs and now I'm waiting for a record seal. I've never felt this unstable before and I was getting depressed. I couldn't find a job yet and almost 90% of the time I'm stuck at home. I have hobbies to pass time but it was still not enough. I started getting needy and wanting my boyfriend to talk to me more and/or to see me more. Those conversations were brought up twice but it was intense. This was early on while I was fresh from getting in trouble. I admit I was being a needy butthole asking for attention. However, he understood what I was going through so he didn't seem to mind. From then on, he would call me in the morning, sometimes call/text me during his break and he liked calling me at night as well. Also, we would see each other 2-3x a week. All fun and dandy. Finally it came out today that he wishes he can have space from me. But he's scared that I'll get angry and throw a fit like the other 2x.. It hurt me a lot. I didn't know I was becoming possessive at all till this was mentioned.. What's funny was that I have been needing space from him for a while as well but I never thought to ask him since I thought he enjoyed talking to and seeing me. But for the past few months I have been trying to give him space... Such as telling him he doesn't have to pick me up or see me if he wants to just stay in, or when I'm on the phone I tell him he can go and relax/or take a nap before going into work. Sometimes I even purposely ignore the calls so he doesn't have to keep pushing... I know he pushes because he's worried about me that I'm not doing anything... But is that healthy? I really don't believe it is. I didn't mean for this situation to happen this way, the first time I've heard about something like this. It really affected him but the funny thing is, I never really have initiated calling and/or texting. It's not that I never do it but for the most part he's usually the one to contact me. When I have those moments (which were just those 2 times) where I'm feeling alone and the anxiety kicks in, I admit I act like an attention seeker. But it's been months now and I find myself being the one to tell him that it's ok to stay home and relax, that he doesn't have to talk to me, that I don't have to be there all the time, that he can hang out with other people and not have me there all the time.. The thing is he insists all the time... And always had if I'm perfectly honest. I feel that I've been giving him plenty of space for the past few months and I haven't complained to him about attention. He tells me because he's been on his "A" game that he's been contacting me a lot and would see me once or twice a week... I understand what he's going through and why he's this way. But I can't help as well that he's pulling the guilt card on me that it's my fault that I can't give him space... At my moments of anxiety I go to him because... I trust him more than anyone I know. It makes me question times spent with him and calls if he ever enjoyed it, it really hurts. I can tell when he's not in the mood to talk to me and I tell him it's fine but he's always insisting regardless! I can literally think of any excuse to give him space and HE STILL WON'T TAKE IT. At this point idk what he wants. But I hate that he's putting all this blame on me and telling his parents about it and making ME look like the possessive one... I took the initiative and told him we need to scale back on our communication and seeing each other. Even though we have been seeing each other only once or twice a week for a couple hours.. But I guess that seems to be too much for him. But I'm not going to make this so much of a problem anymore but I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing.. Was I being too possessive? Does he have a right to feel this way? Do I have the right to feel this way? This is not a relationship. This man is selfish and immature. He wants you on the sidelines and to just be there at his beck and call. Personally, I think he's gaslighting you by turning it back on you and making you feel unstable. This relationship is unhealthy and you are making it all about him. Letting him get away with the space bull****. You give him space, but he keeps checking to see if you're "still there". In other words, he thinks you'll move on so he gives you just enough to keep you thinking he really cares about you. Yes, people need space once in a while, but it's a day or two tops! Not months . . . End this now for your own sanity.
preraph Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Shot in the dark, but maybe what he really meant by "space" was to get out from under any commitment obligations he has with you. But if it's just space, he better take it and shut up, right?
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Having gained quite a bit of experience dealing with a partner who was out of work for a while and having been in those shoes myself I can say what you are going though is no easy circumstance. It is soul crushing, self-esteem destroying, scary and very destabilizing. We become extra needy, we feel unworthy and sometimes even paralyzed by the sense of overall defeat. It's a lot to deal with from the other end but we do learn to deal with it because that is what we do out of love for a partner going though a hard time. Having said that, your boyfriend isn't being very supportive and it sounds like isn't really grasping the gravity of what you are going through but on the same token unless he has experienced the lows that you are feeling he may not fully know how to deal with your neediness. Find a networking group through Meetup just to get you out of the house once a week to be with other likeminded folks going through what you are going though so that you can load off some of that anxiety and be a little more together for your guy. He needs to understand that what you are going though is not a product of a needy character but due to the circumstances you are in. If he isn't willing to support you in a time of need, where is the love in this relationship? That's what a true partnership is about.
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Any guy who needs space from me would get lots of it. He'd get blocked and deleted and feel like I was NASA.
Recommended Posts