BAcK Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hi, As intriguing as it might sound am trying to get over my ex gf and at the same time hoping her to get back with me. To be brief, she was with a guy for 3+ years and the guy cheated on her and they broke up twice but the guy was always contacting her though he was already with other girls. I've known her for 4 years and honestly i've always been attracted to her. 8 months ago we started flirting but she wwas always cautious and had told me she still loves her ex. Eventually after 5 months we started meeting and talking everyday. Soon after we spent 1 month together and it was very intense and we grew very close to each other. We started dating and i had to come back home as she studies abroad. At first it was all perfect but soon she started behaving weird and her ex kept contacting her but she told me she had no intention of leaving me. Fast forward 2 months and she gets home for vacation and after 2 days she tells me we are no made for each other etc and she stillloves the other guy. They met quite a few times.A lot of nasty things were said and soon she deleted my num and removes me on FB. She literally asked me to stop contacting her which am doing and told me that she realised she didnt love me and we were not compatible. I mean i can understand that maybe we were different but she jumped back to her ex after merely one week of our break up and she said that they are not dating just hanging out. Am moving on slowly but is it possible that she might be missing me and may contact me in the future. Am currently in NC.
tomatome Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I'm sorry to hear what happened. NC, without a shred of hope of her contacting you in the future, is the best way forward. Someday she may contact you but you want to be at a point where when she does, it will be neither here nor there in emotional terms, i.e. you won't want her back because you are in a better place than now. Some notes and a few things you should learn from this for the future: 1. When she initially said she was still in love with her ex, you should have believed her and stayed out of a relationship. Not to say that rebound relationships never become something more, but people with baggage don't date quite the same way as others. She may have done well to deceive you otherwise, but she stated quite clearly to you the likely outcome of your relationship. 2. As tempting as it is, don't say nasty things upon break up. If they want to leave, quietly let them, but do not let them back in. 3. She is not your responsibility anymore and there is no future. Try to stop dwelling on what she is doing. Don't end up being the guy with baggage as this will keep you from being someone cool to date and you will miss other opportunities. 4. Think of it this way: do you really want a relationship with someone who would go back to an ex who cheated on her after three years of dating? 5. What she probably hasn't realised yet is that she wants neither of you. In other words, even if the ex wasn't there, the ending would have been likely the same. I speak from a very similar experience (search for it) and wasted much more of my time than you have. Don't waste anymore of your time on this. Good luck. 1
Author BAcK Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 tomatome Initially i was really heartbroken..mopping the house all day and trying to contact her. Now i finally realise that she never really loved me and has cut off completely just to escape the guilt she has. What has surprised me the most is that after the break up she told me things that completely devastated me. I mean how can u spend so much time with a person and when u realise u dont love him u just destroy the person's self respect and make him feel that he was never good enough when at one point in time it was that person who was there for you when no one else was. Am sure u can relate. I really do hope that someday she contacts me again and that day i'll not want her in my life. And thanks a lot mate. U have been helpful and encourging
Zahara Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I think you also need to focus on the fact that she may not be emotionally healthy in that she is attracted to toxicity. The fact that this guy cheated on her and she keeps going back to him is a huge red flag. You don't want to be involved with someone that -- you dodged a bullet here. 2
kvolm2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 This is one of those life lessons that can serve to remind you in the future that it is a good thing that we don't always get what we think we want! Whether you attribute that to God, karma or just plain luck, you will probably be able to look back on this and be glad it worked out this way. I hope the sting of the rejection will pass quickly from your heart and mind! 1
Author BAcK Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 This is one of those life lessons that can serve to remind you in the future that it is a good thing that we don't always get what we think we want! Whether you attribute that to God, karma or just plain luck, you will probably be able to look back on this and be glad it worked out this way. I hope the sting of the rejection will pass quickly from your heart and mind! That's exactly what i've been thinking the whole time. I really hope someday i'll look back to this and laugh at myself for being so desperate and also i've learnt that karma does strike back. I did the same some years back and it came to haunt me now. However, the only regret i have is all the nasty things that were said. If only at that point in time i had acted as a mature individual and avoided all those ****ty conversations after the break up, things would have been different and we would still have been on good terms.
tomatome Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 What has surprised me the most is that after the break up she told me things that completely devastated me. I mean how can u spend so much time with a person and when u realise u dont love him u just destroy the person's self respect and make him feel that he was never good enough when at one point in time it was that person who was there for you when no one else was. This really resonates with me and I can understand your pain. For about a month after we split it felt like someone had hit me in the face with a brick; I felt like I was suffocating. Particularly difficult was the silence; we had talked to each other regularly every day. Now, after three years there was nothing. That was about three months ago, and finally I am starting to feel better. Perhaps I still linger too much in thinking about her, and sometimes I have flashes of anger toward her (feel so used). It will get better. You need good friends right now. One of my friends texted me on a daily basis for small talk; nothing special, just something to break the silence so that I didn't have to feel the void so much. Another friend was my helpline in case she contacted me again so I did not engage with her in my weakened state (she did, but I fobbed her off by telling her I was busy. Quick call to the helpline friend was of immense help). I am sure she was contacting me to deliver more bad news or be emotionally needy with me again. No way. Post here for catharsis. Tell us your anger and sorrow. Write everything you want to say to her, good or bad, and post it here (there is a thread in the coping section for this). This will be the worst of it as long as you keep her out of her life until you are in a position of strength again. Get out and see people, enjoy the day and do new things. It sounds trite and some days you go through with a cloud over your head, but it will get better. You will get through this. Above all, do not take any word she said to you seriously. She is toxic and untrustworthy. You are not this person and you are worthy of love and affection. You could not have done any better to have made the outcome different. You did the best you could.
Author BAcK Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 This really resonates with me and I can understand your pain. For about a month after we split it felt like someone had hit me in the face with a brick; I felt like I was suffocating. Particularly difficult was the silence; we had talked to each other regularly every day. Now, after three years there was nothing. That was about three months ago, and finally I am starting to feel better. Perhaps I still linger too much in thinking about her, and sometimes I have flashes of anger toward her (feel so used). It will get better. You need good friends right now. One of my friends texted me on a daily basis for small talk; nothing special, just something to break the silence so that I didn't have to feel the void so much. Another friend was my helpline in case she contacted me again so I did not engage with her in my weakened state (she did, but I fobbed her off by telling her I was busy. Quick call to the helpline friend was of immense help). I am sure she was contacting me to deliver more bad news or be emotionally needy with me again. No way. Post here for catharsis. Tell us your anger and sorrow. Write everything you want to say to her, good or bad, and post it here (there is a thread in the coping section for this). This will be the worst of it as long as you keep her out of her life until you are in a position of strength again. Get out and see people, enjoy the day and do new things. It sounds trite and some days you go through with a cloud over your head, but it will get better. You will get through this. Above all, do not take any word she said to you seriously. She is toxic and untrustworthy. You are not this person and you are worthy of love and affection. You could not have done any better to have made the outcome different. You did the best you could. I would be lying if i say that i do not miss her. I do. Every damn minute am just thinking about her.the good things the bad things but she is glitched on my mind. I mean sometimes it hurts like hell and sometimes am just doing really great. I know i shouldn't have got into a relationship with someone like that but if u ask me i'd still do same if given the chance to go back in time. U know what annoyed me the most was not that she dumped me because we were supposedly incompatible but rather the fact that as soon we broke up she decided to spend time with the guy who cheated on her and said so many degrading things to her. It was this particular issue that got me raging at her. The guy was blocked on her social profiles , more or less no medium of contact but still they were talking and as soon as we broke up they are again friends on FB etc. Even am at fault for rushing things but i wonder if i had just taken things more lightly and actually be the guy she wanted, would it have lasted longer. Some questions are better left unanswered.
DeepVibeZ Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 That's moody, pal. But I make a rule of never being the rebound guy, hope you will too from now on.
kvolm2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 That's exactly what i've been thinking the whole time. I really hope someday i'll look back to this and laugh at myself for being so desperate and also i've learnt that karma does strike back. I did the same some years back and it came to haunt me now. However, the only regret i have is all the nasty things that were said. If only at that point in time i had acted as a mature individual and avoided all those ****ty conversations after the break up, things would have been different and we would still have been on good terms. Another great benefit of learning from our mistakes is that we don't have to carry all the regret around with us. So here's to no regret and a clean start for a successful future relationship!
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