skalum Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 * *Hey all, Not exactly sure what I'm looking for here..maybe to hear opinions or something but this is the first time I've ever written a problem online, so please be a patient with me. I'll try not to ramble on but I'd need to provide the back story for you all to full understand the situation here. * * I've been with my partner (J) for 4 years now, our first year together we worked in the same building. now a few months prior to meeting my partner ,I had a casual relationship with someone (who I then told I did not want to keep what we had going , as I met someone I'd like to try getting to know better and cut all contact). Now there was a colleague at work , lets call them T. I was physical with T on a few occasions at work, the worst instance where I grabbed them by the waist and pulled them closer to me. I had no contact with T outside of work, nor did I have any interest to build up any type of contact or relationship with T.* * However there were fellow co workers , one in particular who constantly spoke about how the two of us (myself and T) should get a room together or just general gossip, however I do recognise that I had a significant part to play in me encouraging these co workers to gossip. Now it came to T leaving party, which was held close to the company (to which my partner asked me not to go, as they believed I was going for T), I worked late, sometime later a few friends came over asked me to come with them, in turn I ended up going with them , made a few bad decisions with alcohol (no I don't believe this takes away my responsibility from what happened, I mentioned it for one specific reason ) which led me to not remember the entire night, and telling my partner that I was away from T the entire night, which turned out to be untrue and I had danced with T at least 2 times in the night to which a photo was taken. * *Because I did not remember everything initially, my partner feels I'm lieing to them. and Having worked in the building heard all the gossip. My partner believes that I had something for T especially because according to J own words, I had other people throwing themselves at me but I never encouraged anyone expect T advancement. At this point my partner is convinced about their beliefs and the fact that I'm actually telling the truth that I had no romantic or sexual desire for T makes no difference and we are meant to have a discussion about it all soon and this will decide what happens to our relationship.I am definitely a different person than I was when this all happened , however it's not how I am now but what I was like back then, so I don't know what to do, I guess I'm asking what do you all think and any advice on how I should approach things ?
Nowty V Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) Are you certain about J? is this someone you wish to stay with and eventually marry, have children? [importantly: Is J on the same page, does he have the same feeling] You need to be clear in your own mind about this. If you are certain about J, that you have a future, you should make a full disclosure of the facts to him. It will be down to his insecurities if he can cope with it and put the whole episode behind you. That which does not destroy you makes you stronger. You need to be more professional in work, you are there to earn money to pay your way in life. It is not a circus. . Edited October 10, 2016 by Nowty V
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 With everything you've written here, I think you're lying to yourself when you say that you didn't have something for T. There *was* something and your partner knows this too. I think the way forward is to be honest with yourself and your partner. Admit that there was an attraction of sorts but talk about how much you've learned and changed. If this new relationship is to survive, it must start with honesty. I assume that T is no longer part of your life? No social media connections to him? It may take a bit of time for your partner to heal, but don't let him hold it over your head forever.
Author skalum Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 With everything you've written here, I think you're lying to yourself when you say that you didn't have something for T. There *was* something and your partner knows this too. I think the way forward is to be honest with yourself and your partner. Admit that there was an attraction of sorts but talk about how much you've learned and changed. If this new relationship is to survive, it must start with honesty. I assume that T is no longer part of your life? No social media connections to him? It may take a bit of time for your partner to heal, but don't let him hold it over your head forever. The only place I ever saw T was at work, outside of that, there was no form of contact or communication at all. To be honest, I can talk about how much I've learnt and changed since then but T was never 'my type' and I wasn't interested sexual or romantically with them. There was no emotional connection with them, they were physically nice looking.. But that's it
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