Tell me if what she did to me was as COLD as I think it is

October 9, 2016

So I was born and raised in Indiana and have been living in NYC for the past 2 years. I was a shy kid growing up. I had close guy friends but never any girlfriends. Eventually this motivated me to get my act together. I started working out. Got my grades up and went to a good college. After graduation, I moved out to the east coast. First I spent a year in Washington D.C. and I've been in NYC for 2 years now.

5 months into my time here in NYC I met a girl. Her and I instantly hit it off. Chemistry was huge. We had sex on our 3rd date and the physicality of our relationship really took off from there. The sex was great, she really seemed head over heels in love with me.

The only problem is that she came from a very dysfunctional family. I met her mom, but never her dad. They are still married apparently but the mom absolutely hates the dad. My ex gf used to tell me that her mom would constantly tell her how the very sound of her father's voice made her ill. My ex also told me how she has NEVER seen her mom and dad kiss or hug each other.

I, on the other hand, come from a completely different background. My mom and dad always showed each other love and affection and always found a way to work through their problems. They've been married for 32 years now. My ex told me for these reasons she would always leave a relationship if she was unhappy and that divorce would always be an option for her even if she had children. These kind of comments really started to bother me as time went on.

We eventually had a big fight over it, right around the 1 year mark of our relationship. I ended up calling her a week later, 1 week of NC, to apologize for giving her such a hard time. We made up, but she seemed disconnected from that point. Almost as if she had made up her mind that this relationship wasn't going to work. The next two weeks seemed fine, but I noticed one day while she was over at my place she seemed to be "tidying up" her things, i.e. she had a bunch of hair pins on my dresser that she swiftly put into her purse. Then one Friday evening we were set to have dinner together and I get a text from her a few hours beforehand saying she has to work late that night (on a friday?, bull****) and that she has plans the entire weekend but we can see each other that coming Monday.

In my gut I immediately knew something was up so I told her we should end things, she agreed without any fuss, which hurt a-lot.

So here's the deal: this was my first gf. As weeks of NC went on I eventually reached backed out to her and told her how sorry I was for all that had happened and I wanted her back in my life. She refused and seemed like a different person on the phone. Very bizarre. The kind, caring gf I knew had turned into a ghetto chick from NYC. "Who is this girl?" I thought.

I kept trying until she eventually agreed to meet up with me for lunch. We had been broken up about a month at this point. I show up to the restaurant and she is dressed up. She has glitter and make up on and seems very excited to see me. However when I tell her I miss her she just looks at me like "well that's too bad". I finally told her I wasn't hungry and we decided to go to a park to talk. I poured my heart out. I told her that I missed her dearly and that I didn't mean to be as abrupt with her about things as I was previously and that I really would love it if she would give me a second chance as things were so great before.

She COLDLY said "I don't want to be with you" over and over and literally walked off. She just left me sitting in this park. Why the hell would she meet up with me if this is how the whole thing would play out?

I have, had*, a very stressful job here in the city and the stress of work and her leaving me eventually ended me up in the hospital. The cops found me walking out along the George Washington Bridge. I had no intention of jumping, but I was in a bad place when they found me. So they take me to the hospital where I spent the weekend in a psych ward. One of the Psychologists asked me if they could look at my phone and call a few people just to get their sides of the story, i.e. to make sure that I was not a threat to myself and this was a one time incident. I said that was fine.

Low and behold guess who COMES DOWN TO SEE ME IN THE HOSPITAL? The ex girlfriend. As soon as she walked in I started crying and so did she. I told her I loved her. This was the first time in our relationship either one of us had said "I love you". She started crying and said "I've been waiting a year for you to say that to me." We talked and she stayed with me that entire day and came back the next day to stay with me again. She said that we could try our relationship again. I kept telling her that I was concerned she was just saying this to me because of the situation and that she shouldn't get back together with me because she felt bad. She assured me that wasn't the case and that she wanted to try again.

The next two months were great. I had moved into a new place. She bought a-lot of the furnishings for my place. She brought over candles, shower curtains, bed sheets and blankets. We were now in the habit of saying "I love you" on a daily basis. She was spending 3 nights a week now at my place instead of the usual 2 when were first started dating. Things were great, we were making real progress.

Then one day she gets a text from some guy saying "Good afternoon, Mercedes". I was never the kind of guy who monitored her phone or was jealous of who she spent her time with, but this text struck me as very odd. She never got texts like this before especially from some random guy. She didn't try to hide the phone. In fact we were playing a game on the phone together and about 30 seconds after that text came through she handed me the phone and said "here, do you want to play?". But I couldn't shake the fact that this guy was potentially someone she fooled around with while we were broken up. Later that night when she was in the shower I looked through her phone and saw that he had sent her a few texts. Something about how beautiful she looked the other day and that this was his new number and she should put it in her phone.

I called her out on this and she said this was a guy she worked with. He flirted with her a-lot but didn't mean anything to her. She said she had told him about me and that I shouldn't worry. I kept asking her, "If this guy is flirting with you all the time, why would you put his number in your phone?" To which she had no reply. She almost seemed annoyed and she even at one point said "He has a right to call me beautiful if he wants". HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME? Especially after the hospital?

Long story short, we had tickets to a baseball game the next night. Although the entire next day at work I couldn't stop thinking about this guy and these text messages. We had clients come into town and I was invited to go out to lunch with them. We had lunch and started drinking. I drank a-lot. Mainly because I was upset at the progress her and I had made and for her to add some idiot's number in her phone the way she did. By the time I showed up to the game I was black out drunk. I don't remember anything, but apparently I was giving her a hard time about the text messages. I was so drunk that I threw up at the game and I woke up in the hospital that night.

She apparently called my Mom in tears crying and said "I love your son but I can't be his whole world". My mom said not to worry as I would be able to take care of myself in the hospital and that she should just head home. I talked to my mom later about this and she said my ex gf gave no indication that she was going to end things.

But, sure enough. The moment I get out of the hospital I called her and she told me it was over. I lost my mind. I was so angry I couldn't see straight. I kept yelling at her over and over again "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!". We met the next day and she dumped me very coldly. She kept saying how I was too dependent on her and that I was putting too much pressure on her for my own happiness. This is a girl that two months prior sat in a hospital with me telling me that she would always be there for me. Now she is looking at me like I'm totally pathetic. How the hell could she do this to someone. How does she live with herself. She has completely ignored me ever since. Telling me to leave her alone, even getting to the point where she called the police on me. I lost my JOB over this. I was fired because I couldn't focus. I call her after I was fired and told her I just need to talk to someone just as a friend, to which she said "Jon, LEAVE ME ALONE". She went from hot to cold overnight and I'll bet money it has something to do with this ******* who was texting her. All this after a 1.5 year relationship. After she spent time sitting by my side in the hospital. After all the gits she bought me. After all the great sex we had.

I should also mention that she is from NYC and still lives at home with her Mom.

Edited October 9, 2016 by indianahickory

October 9, 2016

I'm going to just start at the top because you led with you not believing in divorce and you two being from different types of families. If you want someone who will not divorce, then you have to find someone who feels as strongly as you do that it's not an option.

Personally, I think anyone who makes this demand is unreasonable and anyone who agrees to it is foolish, because you don't stay in a bad relationship and let that poison your kids. It's better to get out.

That said, if you feel that your parents were so perfect, how did you end up such a mess? Just because they were together 36 years doesn't mean they did everything right. You're a suicidal blackout drunk, man! You have BIG problems and you need to get help and not even try to have a relationship for some years until you make some progress.

Your girlfriend is smart. She sees you're a golf ball about to unravel. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, but no one wants to take that on, so it's up to you to either admit yourself into a psychiatric facility or get into frequent sessions with a psychologist right now. And you need to stop drinking because anyone who blacks out like that is an alcoholic. So start AA tomorrow.

Leave her alone and see if you can get your head together.

October 9, 2016

I'm going to just start at the top because you led with you not believing in divorce and you two being from different types of families. If you want someone who will not divorce, then you have to find someone who feels as strongly as you do that it's not an option.

Personally, I think anyone who makes this demand is unreasonable and anyone who agrees to it is foolish, because you don't stay in a bad relationship and let that poison your kids. It's better to get out.

That said, if you feel that your parents were so perfect, how did you end up such a mess? Just because they were together 36 years doesn't mean they did everything right. You're a suicidal blackout drunk, man! You have BIG problems and you need to get help and not even try to have a relationship for some years until you make some progress.

Your girlfriend is smart. She sees you're a golf ball about to unravel. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, but no one wants to take that on, so it's up to you to either admit yourself into a psychiatric facility or get into frequent sessions with a psychologist right now. And you need to stop drinking because anyone who blacks out like that is an alcoholic. So start AA tomorrow.

Leave her alone and see if you can get your head together.

I can see how from reading my post you would conclude all that about me, HOWEVER that's not the case. Again, I'm in NYC on my own dime. I came out here from Indiana and, yes, I haven't managed the stress well but I have a new job lined up that I'm starting Monday. And this was my first relationship. EVER. Again, the reason being because of how shy I was growing up, something that has taken me years to overcome.

I was also in a management position at work when this all went down. The stress of that coupled with her leaving me is what did it. Abraham Lincoln had a nervous breakdown at 27. It's not that I'm a bad person, it was just the perfect storm.

Her coldness in the way she ended things did not help at all. I mean don't come sit with me in a hospital and then 2 months later dump me for the same type of issues. []

Edited October 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

October 9, 2016

I don't see anything wrong with her trying to make it work for 2 months and realizing it probably isn't fixable and ending things. People are allowed to leave relationships. I think you should consider therapy for the stress and coping with the end of the relationship. It will probably do you some good.

Edited October 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

October 9, 2016

I don't see anything wrong with her trying to make it work for 2 months and realizing it probably isn't fixable and ending things. People are allowed to leave relationships. I think you should consider therapy for the stress and coping with the end of the relationship. It will probably do you some good.

NOT after the person you are with was in the hospital 2 months earlier and you told them you would never leave them. That is wrong on many levels.

October 9, 2016

NOT after the person you are with was in the hospital 2 months earlier and you told them you would never leave them. That is wrong on many levels.

Hi, Indiana. I am really sorry you are going through this, I understand your pain.

While I understand why you think it is wrong (right now), things change, people change, relationships evolve. Because someone says "I'll never leave you" doesn't mean that will be true forever, unfortunately. At the time she said it, I am sure she may have genuinely felt that way. Perhaps she tried to make it work, but couldn't. Perhaps you two are just too different. However, she isn't the right one for you, and shouldn't stay with you just because she said that to you while you were in the hospital. She wouldn't be doing either of you a favor.

I think kidm's suggestion of therapy is a good one. I am not saying that to be harsh, it has helped me and continues too. Best of luck. (((hugs)))

October 9, 2016

Hi, Indiana. I am really sorry you are going through this, I understand your pain.

While I understand why you think it is wrong (right now), things change, people change, relationships evolve. Because someone says "I'll never leave you" doesn't mean that will be true forever, unfortunately. At the time she said it, I am sure she may have genuinely felt that way. Perhaps she tried to make it work, but couldn't. Perhaps you two are just too different. However, she isn't the right one for you, and shouldn't stay with you just because she said that to you while you were in the hospital. She wouldn't be doing either of you a favor.

I think kidm's suggestion of therapy is a good one. I am not saying that to be harsh, it has helped me and continues too. Best of luck. (((hugs)))

I appreciate the advice, but I just can't accept this notion of "Well she did say it, but that was 2 months ago, so you can't blame her for changing her mind."

[]

That is what's wrong with our country. No one is willing to commit to anyone or anything. Relationships and life in general is going to have major ups and downs. People will read my story and say "Wow, this guy is screwed up! He needs AA or counseling or both".

No. I'm a guy that had a rough string of luck and didn't handle it well. But again, I've got a new job I'm starting Tuesday. I'm coming out of this nosedive.

But my point is that for her to leave me when she told me that she would always be there for me in a damn psych ward at a hospital is totally and completely immature on her part. People go through ups and downs and as a man my word is my bond.

If she was so checked out of the relationship to end things after my drunken incident at the game, then she wasn't fully checked in 2 months earlier when she told me she loved me and would always be there for me. She is an immature typical 20 something year old woman here in NYC who currently has life by the balls and thinks she can get away with this kind of crap.

I'm hoping karma catches up to her at some point, because what she did to me is completely awful.

Edited October 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

October 9, 2016

I can see how from reading my post you would conclude all that about me, HOWEVER that's not the case. Again, I'm in NYC on my own dime. I came out here from Indiana and, yes, I haven't managed the stress well but I have a new job lined up that I'm starting Monday. And this was my first relationship. EVER. Again, the reason being because of how shy I was growing up, something that has taken me years to overcome.

I was also in a management position at work when this all went down. The stress of that coupled with her leaving me is what did it. Abraham Lincoln had a nervous breakdown at 27. It's not that I'm a bad person, it was just the perfect storm.

Her coldness in the way she ended things did not help at all. I mean don't come sit with me in a hospital and then 2 months later dump me for the same type of issues.[]

You've had psychological issues you need to deal with ever since you were a child. You're not over them yet. I get that one type stress like work stress can trigger a meltdown over something else. We see that on the news and on true crime tv shows every day. Man recently broke up with girlfriend or wife and then snaps when he loses job and goes and kills her or himself or both.

I'm telling you to stop justifying things and realize you have problems that need to be dealt with. You can't rely on any other person or job to keep you stable, and you are unstable and an alcoholic. You are a high risk for doing something you cannot undo either to yourself or others, and that is not on her. That is on you. The additional benefit to immediately seeking counseling is you can blow off steam there about your anger with her.

You have responsibility in this because your actions are dangerously extreme, and no one should want to be around you like that or feel they have to be around you to keep you from getting that way. This is more your problem -- but let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say overall, she is the bigger problem. Doesn't matter because you can't control anyone besides herself. You have no power over her. You work on you.

People's promises to stay with you forever are strictly dependent on if you are tolerable to be around. When someone makes that promise seeing you at your best and then later sees the rest of you, all bets are off, and it's not their fault.

Edited October 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

October 9, 2016

Your psychological problems have nothing to do with the girl or the management position or NYC. It has everything to do with YOU.

Why does reality stress you?

Why can't you manage your stress effectively?

When you can't handle reality the stress builds up and you present a manic defence. It's not an ideal cycle to be in.

You need to work on you.

The girl has nothing to do with it, you need to cease the 'attachment' you have formed. Sure you like having sex but just because you've had sex with her doesn't mean squat. If it upsets you that much maybe you should stay away from sex before marriage.

All the problems are with you, you may not see it now but eventually the truth will out. Awareness awareness awareness.. work on your awareness of yourself, what you're doing and why you're doing it, what are the drives, triggers, reactions.

Get to know this about yourself.

The girl did nothing wrong, she is not the image you created of her in your mind, she can only be herself, you couldn't see her, you saw what you wanted to.

Edited October 9, 2016 by Nowty V

October 9, 2016

This really all boils down to a lack of compatibility and high expectations.

If you try to analyze and make sense of her behavior -- or yours -- you'll drive yourself nuts.

October 9, 2016

Folks we cleaned up some language and inappropriate posts and retained the topical content and the gist of the opinions and advice.

October 9, 2016

OP, even if we all agreed that she is a cold person...where does that get you?

You can get all the random strangers on the internet to agree with you but that doesn't change the final outcome. It might give you some temporary satisfaction, but that's about it. It won't do anything to alter the fact that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

If you want to implement real changes in your life, you have to start with you. Raging about her isn't a very efficient use of your time or emotional energy.

October 9, 2016

I'm just being straight up with you: I would be seriously freaked out if someone was yelling "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME" at me. That's the sort of response that can make one think they're potentially in physical danger.

October 9, 2016

I can really feel you here.

This country is ****ed up because people are not committed.

You cannot take people's words. It seems like you're the dumbass if you ever trust someone because everyone else knows that "everything changes!"

Yes, everything changes. I'm not a psycho who demand someone to make a life-long commitment right away. But simply don't make empty promises or overstate something if you're not sure. Be open and honest with each other. "Yes, I like you and I appreciate the time being together. However, we value different things in life. I would like to give it another try. But it's not guaranteed as the differences between us can be really difficult to overcome". I would rather accept something like this.

But I can understand her standpoint. Women sometimes are driven by their emotions. We were so stuck into the emotions so we fail to see the reality. The moment she said she loved you maybe because she's deeply touched by how devoted you are instead of how she thinks you're compatible in a long run.

It's better to find someone who's on the same page with you. If you're innocent and still believes in people, find a similar girl. It's hard but worth the wait.

Also I think it's because she's your first love. I had mine when I was teenager. It was extremely hard to let go. But time goes by and we learn and grow. I think this is most likely the reason for your frustration.

But still I agree with you on commitment. You should still have faith in people. Just be careful to find a mature and responsible person.

October 9, 2016

I totally agree that she was immature to promise she would never leave you. But were immature to take this as a life long promise.

Chalk it up to experience.

October 10, 2016

What triggered this off is that you weren't comfortable with the texts from the man. I'm just going by what you've said here, and presuming you're not the jealous, possessive type or anything like that.

Yes, other people will still flirt with our partners when we are with them. But in your position, I would have had a bad feeling as you did.

Less than 2 years is still a very short time for a relationship, its the 'interview,' to see if there's lifetime possibility. If I were getting bad feelings in the early stage, I'd probably bail as I've been there before and should have trusted my initial bad feeling, thus avoiding all the dramas that came after.

What I'd advise now is to look after yourself. You're going to get more of these situations in life with women, its how you handle them that makes the difference. Drinking yourself to getting sick is not the way to go.

And never, ever beg like that. I've been there, its the most degrading humiliating thing you can ever do to yourself, and the woman will view you as dirt. Just walk away, keep the tears to yourself or your close friends. But never to her, she's chosen to be out of your emotional space and that's where she will stay, unless she puts up a convincing case for you to let her back in.

Walk away and keep walking. Don't contact her ever again, unless she's interested romantically and you feels the same way. Apply this and you'll take charge of your emotional life.

October 10, 2016

I appreciate the advice, but I just can't accept this notion of "Well she did say it, but that was 2 months ago, so you can't blame her for changing her mind."

[]
That is what's wrong with our country. No one is willing to commit to anyone or anything. Relationships and life in general is going to have major ups and downs. People will read my story and say "Wow, this guy is screwed up! He needs AA or counseling or both".

No. I'm a guy that had a rough string of luck and didn't handle it well. But again, I've got a new job I'm starting Tuesday. I'm coming out of this nosedive.

But my point is that for her to leave me when she told me that she would always be there for me in a damn psych ward at a hospital is totally and completely immature on her part. People go through ups and downs and as a man my word is my bond.

If she was so checked out of the relationship to end things after my drunken incident at the game, then she wasn't fully checked in 2 months earlier when she told me she loved me and would always be there for me. She is an immature typical 20 something year old woman here in NYC who currently has life by the balls and thinks she can get away with this kind of crap.

I'm hoping karma catches up to her at some point, because what she did to me is completely awful.

Friend, I can really empathize with you as my ex girlfriend made the same promises to me at one point during our relationship. One thing that I've learned (and still learning to accept) is that emotions change over time. That is the sad truth of it all. One day she is saying these things things to you and the next she's doing the exact opposite. You will hurt and destroy your self esteem trying to figure it out. As soon as you accept that these are just emotons subject to change, the faster you will accept.

I agree with you that relationships nowa days are so fickle. Mine ended on a completely workable reason (at least to me). I was willing to work on it, but she wasn't. I couldn't accept it for the longest time. Now I can see that I don't want a girl that can end a relationship on a completely dumb reason. The one that stays will work with me to make it so.

Good luck friend. For the record, I know exactly why you're feeling. I would suggest you take the time and work on yourself and immerse yourself in your job. I'm a manager myself

October 10, 2016

I'm just being straight up with you: I would be seriously freaked out if someone was yelling "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME" at me. That's the sort of response that can make one think they're potentially in physical danger.

Agreed.

OP it sounds like you're the "my way or the highway" type, she chose the highway. I would too, if my boyfriend showed up blackout drunk in public creating a scene and accusing me of cheating without any proof whatsoever. The guy DID have a right to call her beautiful, some men talk to women like that. She DID try to make it work after your desperate call for attention at the hospital, then your insecurites got the best of you, again.

Please, please for the love of god, stop blaming others for your actions and realize that you are allowed to make mistakes. The point is that after the mistakes you pick yourself up and learn from them and become a better person.

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