VN9311 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I will apologize for the long post but I feel myself beginning to overanalyze the situation and it's driving me insane. My ex broke up with me on Wednesday, I moved out of his house Thursday-Friday...devastated. We met and began dating 2 years ago. From the start, we both talked a lot about the intense connection we felt for each other. We seemed to share the same values, future goals, could spend days together and not get sick of each other, and fully believed he loved me back. We began having problems about a year in. He had a habit he knew I wouldn't like and tried to cover it up instead of just being honest with me. This began a period of mistrust. I never once suspected this man would ever cheat on me, but the little lies got me wondering what else he would lie to me about. I remember once I told him I couldn't take it anymore, and he got down on his hands and knees begging and pleading (and bawling) to please not leave. Flash forward to this past January. He was mad at me for something, instead of taking some time and space to calm down, he blew up at me and broke up with me and told me to "get the f*** out of his house." I had been drinking, so I had to call someone to come get me, which happened to be a family member, and that began the downfall that got us here. My family was extremely disappointed in how quick he was to break up with me and escalate a disagreement and started questioning whether this relationship was healthy. My ex ended up asking for me back a few days later. Family originally went along with it, but the cycle repeated a few more times. Anytime I disagreed with him, he would kick me out, tell me we are never getting back together, and to never contact him again. Would always hear from him 2-3 days later. He did it again at the beginning of the summer, and by that point my family was sick of it. My ex had worked at my dad's firm while all of this was happening and was offered a full time position to begin this fall. The breakup this summer was much more intense than usual, and when he wanted to get back together, I told him I wanted to sit down with my family and him first. Our families are extremely important to both of us. I expected the conversation with my family to be civil. To clear the air. He showed up to my parents' house, showed his butt to my dad (who he was supposed to be going to work for) and me. Ex was calling me a liar and putting all the blame on me. He left that night saying there was no chance of ever reconnecting, we would not be contacting each other again. Guess who wanted to get back together the next day? My family was outraged, but let us be because despite them wanting me to be done with him, knew I was an adult. My dad's firm made a unanimous decision to rescind his job offer because of how badly he acted that night and couldn't risk that kind of behavior in a professional setting. Ex said he wanted to stay with me but that I could absolutely never contact my family again. I was mad at the decision at first because ex and I seemed to be working through things and we were both communicating better. Anyway, my dad's birthday was last week, and I texted him happy birthday. He broke up with my on the spot, called me a piece of s*** for defending my piece of **** father and drug me across the room and threw me out of the house. When I went to move my stuff out the next day, he was calm, hugged me, said he loved me, was going to miss me, and didn't not want to be with me, but we just couldn't be together. And I left absolutely devastated. This was the man I believed was going to be my husband, and he's just gone. I guess the point of my post is that while I'm starting to see that this needed to be over, I am having the hardest time accepting the fact that it is forever over. Based on his history, I keep thinking maybe he will come back and I'm hanging on to that idea even though he doesn't need to come back. Any advice? 1
Pipestove Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Wow, kinda sounds exactly like the story I just posted. Read mine if you get a chance. Back to you, as much as I know you do not want to hear this, leave, and dont look back! You deserve better, and Im sure you already know. That is a toxic relationship that is never going to change. The way he treated you is absolutely unacceptable and cowardly to say the least. My situation is so close to yours. She had addictions/habits that she knew bothered me, made me feel uncomfortable, but yet chose lie to me on a regular basis knowing damn well how much it wold hurt me. If she was honest from the get go, ok, lets work this out. But she chose to keep telling those white lies. I began on a road of always questioning her trust. She would always get upset because i would question things I knew she was lying about. She couldn't get it through her thick skull to understand that no matter how much you love someone, once you start telling lies, your partner is going to have a hard time ever trusting or believing you again. Every time Id rebuild my trust, she would turn around and hide something from me. While it may be stupid small things, why lie about it correct? Breaking up and getting back together that many times is unhealthy, very unhealthy, and a sign that it just isn't meant to be. We tend to trick our minds into thinking things will get better after each break up. Things seem fine at first, you have make up sex, tell each you missed them,you love them, then BOOM, right back to square one. My ex caused me so much stress with her little white lies and constant breaking up. You seem like a nice women and most definitely deserve better. Be the better person and walk away for good. Someone else will come along when the time is right who will appreciate you and not lie. BTW: do you mind telling us what this habit he had is? Now I'm curious. Good luck;) 1
Frozensushi Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 This Push and Pull situation sound very familiar. My Ex recycled me over 15 times in a year. Check this out real fast: 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those traits sound familiar to you, then you might be on your way to better understanding what's going on. I went through a year of hell, my Ex would be passive-aggressive with me constantly. I was always walking on eggshells. She'd breakup with me over the most trivial things most of us would shrug off. 1
Author VN9311 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 This Push and Pull situation sound very familiar. My Ex recycled me over 15 times in a year. Check this out real fast: 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those traits sound familiar to you, then you might be on your way to better understanding what's going on. I went through a year of hell, my Ex would be passive-aggressive with me constantly. I was always walking on eggshells. She'd breakup with me over the most trivial things most of us would shrug off. Those traits definitely do sound familiar. My friends that know about the break up have all used to word narcissistic as well. The habit I was talking about was smoking/vaping. Please hear me out when I say I have nothing against smokers. I just have asthma and it makes me feel awful and preferred to date someone who didn't smoke. He had told me early on he was a social smoker in his early college days, which didn't bother me. What bothered me is he said he hadn't used anything in years and that simply wasn't the truth. He began lying about other things. Prior to break up, he went into some elaborate story about what he had been doing a day that I was gone and turns out none of it was true. I was just puzzled why you would lie about something so stupid. I think it's starting to become apparent that this relationship was toxic. It just doesn't change the fact that it's so hard for me to walk away. I felt so strongly about him and was just convinced he was "the one" that I was willing to work through just about anything. Ditching my family is a no go.
Toodaloo Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 You do know this is abuse don't you. Instead of hanging with a guy who randomly looses it and throws you out, is unstable and controlling and will not even allow you to say happy birthday to your own father... how about going back to your family and staying there. Go no contact (more for your own safety) with that guy and spend sometime working through the issues that you have that make you think that is "normal" behaviour" and "acceptable behaviour". Do not get into a situation like this again. Its too dangerous. When you get it into your head that the "push pull" was designed to reduce your confidence and make you believe that you are "in love". You are not. As soon as you get your head round that it will be easier for you to get over him and stay away from him. 1
Zahara Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 T I think it's starting to become apparent that this relationship was toxic. It just doesn't change the fact that it's so hard for me to walk away. I felt so strongly about him and was just convinced he was "the one" that I was willing to work through just about anything. Ditching my family is a no go. You don't feel strongly about him. You are addicted to toxicity. You have poor self-esteem. People don't stay in horrible relationships because of love. They stay because of dependency and lack of boundaries because one has no ability to realize that they deserve better. It stems from not having self-respect and self-love. 2
Author VN9311 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 You don't feel strongly about him. You are addicted to toxicity. You have poor self-esteem. People don't stay in horrible relationships because of love. They stay because of dependency and lack of boundaries because one has no ability to realize that they deserve better. It stems from not having self-respect and self-love. Thank you for shooting it to me straight. Really. I think the more I hear that, the better I feel. I will admit I have low confidence. Seems like I let my confidence drop everytime he broke it off, so the dependency makes a lot of sense to me. I plan on going to see a counselor this week! 1
Author VN9311 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Little update...He actually called me like usual wondering if we can work through things. Wanted to go to counseling, loved me, thought our relationship was better than it really was, typical things he says. It baffles me how he can say all those things and then turn around and threaten to sue my dad's office. 1
Zahara Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Little update...He actually called me like usual wondering if we can work through things. Wanted to go to counseling, loved me, thought our relationship was better than it really was, typical things he says. It baffles me how he can say all those things and then turn around and threaten to sue my dad's office. You're surprised? The man has acted like the absolute s***head and you've taken him back everytime so what makes you think he's not of the mindset that he can do whatever he wants and people are always going to appease him? You've taught him that and enabled him so don't expect him to have any kind of conscience, self-awareness or genuine remorse. He's just trying to see if he can get his benefits back. 2
ChickiePops Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Little update...He actually called me like usual wondering if we can work through things. Wanted to go to counseling, loved me, thought our relationship was better than it really was, typical things he says. It baffles me how he can say all those things and then turn around and threaten to sue my dad's office. Yup..crazy people do crazy things. 1
Author VN9311 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Posted October 13, 2016 One more thing, and this is really just for my benefit to move on, but he wanted to argue with me for picking my family over him. Started talking to me the same way he talked to me in front of my family. In my opinion he comes across as very mean and condescending. Some of the things he said... "How many times do I have to explain it to you? Are you stupid?" "The best thing that ever happened to you, and at the rate you're going will ever happen to you just realized how hopeless you are." There's lots more but I won't go into more detail. I think that's enough. Anyway, I told him he was talking down to me and to never speak to me again BUT he said that if I thought he was being condescending that I was in for a rude awakening and that life would be hard for me because "everyone in the world will always be talking down to you." Please just reassure me that I am not crazy like he's trying to make me feel? To me this is abuse and absolutely unacceptable.
Zahara Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 He's an abuser. They try and alienate you from your support group so you become dependent on them, hence feeding into their need to control. Another trait is to strip you of your confidence by denigrating your capabilities and your belief in yourself and making you doubt your truth and reality. Block him and stop communicating with him. 3
aloneinaz Posted October 13, 2016 Posted October 13, 2016 Sweetie, pls understand that I'm not trying to be mean with my comments. The problem isn't all him, the REAL problem is you. What I mean is you need to identify why on earth you chose to continue to stay in a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. Low self esteem, co-dependency, etc.. You should really focus your time and attention on yourself here to uncover why you continued on with a guy with clear issues. He's not mentally healthy, whatsoever. Understand that a healthy person with strong self esteem and self worth would of told him to f-off the FIRST time he demonstrated this behavior. They would of vanished from his life, never to speak to him again. Seriously, do some therapy to fix this in yourself. Life's far too short to be in a relationship that has 10% of this toxicity in it. There's millions of healthy, happy guys out there looking for someone special. You need to be out there trying to meet up with one. Do yourself a favor. Read the NC thread. Don't engage with this guy again. No one deserves to be w/a POS human being like this guy is. 2
Toodaloo Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Some of the things he said... "How many times do I have to explain it to you? Are you stupid?" "The best thing that ever happened to you, and at the rate you're going will ever happen to you just realized how hopeless you are." There's lots more but I won't go into more detail. I think that's enough. Anyway, I told him he was talking down to me and to never speak to me again BUT he said that if I thought he was being condescending that I was in for a rude awakening and that life would be hard for me because "everyone in the world will always be talking down to you." Please just reassure me that I am not crazy like he's trying to make me feel? To me this is abuse and absolutely unacceptable. Get this man out of your life asap... You have far better out there just waiting for you to grasp it. Do not ever give up your family and friends for a man... You are not crazy but you soon will be if you listen to any more of his crap.
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