Girlfriend breaks up and goes back to emotionally abusive ex

[apc4455]

I have been dating someone for 4 months (knowing her as good friend for almost a year) and during that time it slowly came onto me that she has been in a very emotionally abusive relationship for the past 4 years. (they broke up a year ago)

 

The following things have happened to her during that time:

 

- The guy cheated on her first after only 3 months, she forgave him

- He then had no income and the girl started paying his rent

- They moved together, girl paid everything for 3 years

- Guy had no job and was playing video games 24/7 for 3 years

- When girl was fed up and broke up (several times), guy slept on her porch and refused to leave until girl let him in again

- Guy was constantly cheating on her non-stop all that time (girl knew)

- Girl finds job for guy after 4 years, guy immediately leaves her after the first salary for someone else just right after the girl’s mom has died

 

Facts about the girl:

 

- Finished med school being one of the very best

- Has IQ around 150

- Very caring and highly mature attitude and view of life

 

Facts about the guy:

 

- Probably IQ around 80-90

- Hasn’t finished high-school

- Is very lazy, only had one job at age 27 (which the girl got him – after which he immediately left)

 

Now to what happened:

 

I came together with the girl in June. Everything went well. I however have started to notice that she is very distrustful and reacts very suspiciously to any kind gesture etc. as if people can only act kindly if they have some hidden agenda.

 

She also showed signs of very low self-esteem.

 

During this time the ex-bf found out that she has someone else and has started to “stalk” her (calling her once a week) trying to convince her to get back with him again. He did this through verbal abuse.

 

I dismissed this for some time, never believing that she might take him seriously again after so much **** that he has done to her and especially after she seemed to have understood that the guy was a piece of crap and was bad for her.

 

Then like 3 weeks ago ex-bf forcibly enters gf’s apartment and they “talked” for 2 hours (at least that’s what I was told).

 

Then a few days later gf starts exaggerating all kinds of problems supposedly in me and then finally dumps me like a week later.

 

She tells me she does not have patience for relationships right now and would like to be alone instead and focus on herself.

 

Few days later I find out she is back with her ex-BF. I message her to ask if it’s true and she completely freaks out and is completely enraged like I’m the devil himself of something… she of course denies it and accuses me of being a paranoid ****head. Enraged she asks me never to bother her again.

 

I also find out that right around when they got back together again, the guy has lost his job and is now unemployed.

 

So, I’m just wondering what makes perfectly mature and highly intelligent women go back to their abusive low-quality partners and also when it’s so blatantly obvious that the only reason those partners want back is because they again need something from their former gf’s and eventually they will start behaving the same 100%.

 

Also, especially considering that it’s not the first time – the exact same cheat-abuse-breakup-forgive pattern has happened several times in the past… I just simply don’t get it.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Nowty V]

The sex must be *HoT*

 

end of story.

[DarrenB]

Knowing someone for four months (within an intimate way), and analyzing the situation to an extent like this... I'm afraid it really just isn't worth it at all. Was still considered a fresh R/S, therefore you mustn't have known her too well by the sounds of it, especially if all this transpired from her own behalf.

 

I understand you may have grown a very sincere attachment and attraction to her, so you're obviously maybe in a sense worried, or simply confused right? well trying to get to the bottom of her errors and ways isn't going to help you at all, it's proven. She's made that decision herself, and she's hurt, insulted and neglected you in the process. I understand and praise your determination and perseverance but this is not benefiting you at all.

 

Emotionally abusive, and any sense of abusive for that matter are hard to overcome and get over. It's an experience that is embedded in your body and soul until further, further notice. I once became very infatuated with my emotionally/physically abusive girlfriend after a month of our B/U in 2013. About a year later was when I actually let it go completely.

 

The persona of others change on a day to day basis, evidently due to the experiences they have previously had. It's clear that this experience with her ex is something she cannot forget. Emotionally abusive people can become very manipulating and controlling... they'll go to any extent to do exactly the same thing of which they did. He is doing that, she is letting him. I'm unsure what to suggest, if you do anything at all. You've attempted to help, but she has declined that offer and continued to pursue. The only way of which can ultimately benefit you or her is that she experiences this again and understands the negativity and abrupt impact it's having on her. Maybe last ditch attempt, get in contact with a few of her friends?

[apc4455]

I don't really want to 'help' her or anything anymore. She made her choice and there is nothing really to do.

 

I just wanted to understand the mindset of someone like that.

 

Just like a week before they reconciled she talked about him like someone who has no morals and has only evil inside of him, like he would be the most vile person in the word. 7 days later she is with him again.

[DarrenB]

I don't really want to 'help' her or anything anymore. She made her choice and there is nothing really to do.

 

I just wanted to understand the mindset of someone like that.

 

Just like a week before they reconciled she talked about him like someone who has no morals and has only evil inside of him, like he would be the most vile person in the word. 7 days later she is with him again.

 

What's the point of 'understanding' the mindset when the situation has already been provoked and is a thing of the past? you're not doing yourself any favours, are you?

[elaine567]

Abusive relationships are very complex and the victim is often "brain washed" after years of abuse.

I guess she has a lot of issues having been in that abusive situation for the past 4 years and she may feel that she NEEDS him, as far fetched as that may seem to those on the outside.

 

Many people in abusive relationships can get addicted to the drama, it may be a FOO issue or it may not, but she may now feel something is missing in a "normal" relationship, no real excitement, hence why she goes back to him.

She is maybe "addicted" to him. the push/pull of abusive relationships can be very addictive.

 

May be she loves the relationship dynamic of him being "less than", ie uneducated and unemployed compared to her being educated and highly employable.

Maybe she feels the need to "save" him.

 

She may be one of those people who self sabotages. When all is going well, they duck out and choose to pursue other less safe options.

Maybe she feels very comfortable with him and is out of her comfort zone with other more "suitable" men.

 

Of course she may be absolutely petrified of him and she feels she has no option but to go back.

He says "Jump?" and she says "How high?"

 

Who knows?

But she sounds like a very mixed up kid, so best you just stay clear. Relationships are hard enough,without seeking out trouble.

[preraph]

You said she has low self-esteem and distrusts anyone nice. Probably she came from a crap family and crap people are what is "normal" and comfortable to her. Not the girl for you.

[Frozensushi]

You said she has low self-esteem and distrusts anyone nice. Probably she came from a crap family and crap people are what is "normal" and comfortable to her. Not the girl for you.

 

Yes, I think this is an extremely valid point. Thanks for pointing it out.

[TooRational]

Wish I could help you understand but I'm at a loss too. My ex wife is caught in a very similar situation, but worse. The kids are somewhat affected by this so I can't ignore the situation...

 

In her case, the guy is BPD and so is my ex. The sex is apparently amazing which confirms one theory of a poster above. He's an ex-con, ex drug dealer that went to prison for physical violence on his ex. Stereotypical douchebag, large muscles, tattoos, owns a pitbull, etc. He's extremely emotionally abusive. Treats her literally like **** (she showed me some texts) but she digs that. She's depressed and that kind of extreme emotional highs, even though they are negative, make her feel alive. He's reached the point of physical violence with her but she craves more. The problem is that it's all lowering her self esteem even more. She wants out but she can't quit, like a powerful drug. She's attempted suicide twice because she sees that as her only option. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread. Hopefully some if this is relevant.

 

I'll keep an eye on this thread to see if anyone has useful insight to provide for that kind of toxic relationships.

[lightfoot]

I have been dating someone for 4 months (knowing her as good friend for almost a year) and during that time it slowly came onto me that she has been in a very emotionally abusive relationship for the past 4 years. (they broke up a year ago)

 

Mistake #1: Dating damaged goods. #2: Being a naive white knight.

 

The following things have happened to her during that time:

 

- The guy cheated on her first after only 3 months, she forgave him

- He then had no income and the girl started paying his rent

- They moved together, girl paid everything for 3 years

- Guy had no job and was playing video games 24/7 for 3 years

- When girl was fed up and broke up (several times), guy slept on her porch and refused to leave until girl let him in again

- Guy was constantly cheating on her non-stop all that time (girl knew)

- Girl finds job for guy after 4 years, guy immediately leaves her after the first salary for someone else, just right after the girl’s mom has died

That should've told you she was @#$%ed up in the head. This guy completely owns her. You should've paid closer attention to the story and realized how hopelessly obsessed she is with him. Unfortunately, a white knight will always assume a grown woman is a poor little princess who's been manipulated by some scumbag and just needs the knight's help, love, and healing.

 

Facts about the girl:

 

- Finished med school being one of the very best

- Has IQ around 150

So what? First it didn't stop her from making painfully stupid choices. Second, what did her intelligence or education do for you? Look for a woman who can take care of you and who you can trust, not a woman with dazzling external features.

 

- Very caring and highly mature attitude and view of life

That's obvious...

 

Facts about the guy:

 

- Probably IQ around 80-90

- Hasn’t finished high-school

- Is very lazy, only had one job at age 27 (which the girl got him – after which he immediately left)

That's right, and this is the guy your saintly dreamgirl worships. If he's a slimebag, then she's a slimebag's slave.

 

Now to what happened:

 

I came together with the girl in June. Everything went well. I however have started to notice that she is very distrustful and reacts very suspiciously to any kind gesture etc. as if people can only act kindly if they have some hidden agenda.

 

She also showed signs of very low self-esteem.

Being damaged goods, this is her new normal. The way her brain works has been permanently changed.

 

During this time the ex-bf found out that she has someone else and has started to “stalk” her (calling her once a week) trying to convince her to get back with him again. He did this through verbal abuse.

I'm sure she always made him seem evil to you, but the truth was she talked to him for a long time whenever he called, and was confused about what to do and how to get rid of you.

 

I dismissed this for some time, never believing that she might take him seriously again after so much **** that he has done to her and especially after she seemed to have understood that the guy was a piece of crap and was bad for her.

She'd cling to him even if he stabbed her. Again, you should've paid more attention to the story above. For four years he treated her worse than a pimp treats a two-dollar prostitute and yet she didn't leave him, he left her.

 

Then like 3 weeks ago ex-bf forcibly enters gf’s apartment and they “talked” for 2 hours (at least that’s what I was told).

I'm sure he didn't "forcibly" enter and I'm sure she just let him in and had a long, tearful heart-to-heart, plus sex. She'd never tell you anything close to the truth.

 

Then a few days later gf starts exaggerating all kinds of problems supposedly in me and then finally dumps me like a week later.

 

She tells me she does not have patience for relationships right now and would like to be alone instead and focus on herself.

The guy had enough and told her to get rid of you and she promised she'd handle it.

 

Few days later I find out she is back with her ex-BF. I message her to ask if it’s true and she completely freaks out and is completely enraged like I’m the devil himself of something… she of course denies it and accuses me of being a paranoid ****head. Enraged she asks me never to bother her again.

It's amazing how well they can lie. Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[apc4455]

So, I've broken up with someone earlier this year and it was brutal for about 2 months because she still kept contacting me several times every week.

 

Every time she did that of course it triggered in me a sense of hope, that maybe she does that because she has doubts and she might want to come back.

 

Experiencing no progress at all in 2 months, I just suddenly decided to block her number/social media/everything.

 

And things died down in around a month. Some lingering stuff still remained for a few more weeks but after that 100% complete and utter indifference.

 

I mean, in the first 2 months when she was contacting me I was in full-on anxiety mode not being able to work, and relieving all the memories and having all kinds of frustrating sexual phantasies about her. I was also full of questions of how, why etc. all of this happened.

 

Now, after the no-contact I honestly couldn't really care less.

 

I fully realized this when I accidentally ran into her in town. Through a mutual friend she then actually contacted me and I agreed to meet her for a drink.

 

And honestly, while sitting there with her for like 3 hours straight I felt absolutely nothing whatsoever. She could have been literally standing there naked and being f*cked by someone else right in front of me and I could have not cared less.

 

Stark contrast from just a few months ago. All because of no contact.

 

So, yeah, it definitely works. The liberating feeling when you sincerely do not care anymore even if she's right in front of you is priceless.

[marky00]

Interesting

 

 

But to be honest, if you really loved her... like wanted to marry her and have kids etc....

 

 

I don't think you could have reached that level of indifference, let alone in 2 months.

 

 

But well done all the same.

[apc4455]

Interesting

 

 

But to be honest, if you really loved her... like wanted to marry her and have kids etc....

 

 

I don't think you could have reached that level of indifference, let alone in 2 months.

 

 

But well done all the same.

 

I have no idea why that post/topic was merged with this one.

 

The one described in the initial post here has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with the merged post you are referring to.

 

They are two completely different cases.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am responding to your initial post about women going back to abusive exes. And this is a long read, so grab a cup of coffee and settle in!

 

My ex-boyfriend was also very verbally and emotionally abusive. It turned physical on a couple occasions. We were together around a year (with breaks along the way, as he was constantly trying to distance himself) Never in my life had I dated a man like him. I was raised in a very loving household and my relationships prior to had all been quite healthy ones. No man had ever called me a name or insulted me. I am a working professional, well-educated, confident, etc etc. And then I met my ex, also an objectively intelligent and charming man. But holy cats, what I wish I had known about him then! He is a diagnosed sufferer of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I had no idea what I was about to walk into.

 

The abusive dynamic is extremely difficult to explain to those who haven't experienced it first-hand. Our intellectual mind knows the man is bad for us. We know he is toxic to our self-esteem. And therein lies the problem. For some reason, somewhere along the way, we attached too much value to his opinion of us. Most of do so with our romantic partners, to some extent. But in an abusive situation, the proportion is off. And we simply cannot believe he suddenly thinks so poorly of us; after all, only yesterday he was telling us how much he loved us! We come to see his opinion of us as a true measure of our self-worth. Thus, when the abuse is occurring, we feel horrible. But then, that same abuser flips a switch and suddenly showers us with love and attention (and apologies) And it's like a high - we are so relieved to be back in his good books that we stay.

 

Many of us also try to convince ourselves that these abusive men aren't so terrible. Indeed, many of them have a redeeming quality or two, or we wouldn't have been attracted in the first place. And so we hinge our hopes on that "good side" of him when things are going badly. So we say to ourselves, "but he used to be so kind, charming, caring, affectionate" blah blah blah. And we think that if we do XYZ different, that "good side" will come back and stay forever.

 

So when he takes off, we feel utterly worthless. We have put so much of our own self-esteem in his hands that we can't see we are pretty great all on our own. And so we wait and hope he will come back, so we can feel loved and worthy again. Depending on the person, this cycle can repeat for years. And sometimes we date others in between, not really being ready for it because we haven't really let go of the abuser in our minds. So when he resurfaces all smiles and kisses and apologies, you get the result you're experiencing now.

 

She wasn't over him yet. She hadn't spent enough time on her own to really rebuild her self-esteem and come to see herself as a woman strong and good enough to tell him to go suck rocks. That alone time is so vital in the healing process. For some, it's a matter of months. For others, a couple years. It depends on the person, the length of the abusive relationship and how completely the abuser was removed from her life.

 

Sound crazy? It is. I have never felt more confused and crazy and broken-down than when I was with my ex. It isn't logical, it doesn't make much sense. Her level of education, her job and all of her great qualities aren't very relevant when it comes to the complexities of abuse. And that's why it's so complicated to describe to someone who has never been in an abusive relationship. I hope my description sheds some light on what she might be experiencing. It really isn't about you at all.

 

Also, it's quite possible that she flipped her s*it on you when you asked if they were back together because he checks her messages and she's afraid of what could happen if she doesn't behave as though she hates you. Or perhaps it was actually him responding, using her phone. I have seen that more times than you know. My ex actually hacked into my FB account and sent a nasty message or two to a couple of men on my contact list he was jealous of because they were good-looking. I actually hadn't had any personal contact with these men since high-school, they were both classmates. You can imagine my utter shock and embarrassment when I got replies from both, questioning what the heck my problem was. Because the messages were sent from my account, they'd of course assumed it was me writing to them (I didn't know my ex had messaged them, as he'd deleted his own side of the convo) It's not so important now, but some food for thought about her seeming about-face with you.

 

In any case, try to stop wondering what is going through her mind. It's futile, in the end. You didn't do anything wrong, from the sounds of it. You just happened to meet her at the wrong time in her life.

[Redhead14]

I have been dating someone for 4 months (knowing her as good friend for almost a year) and during that time it slowly came onto me that she has been in a very emotionally abusive relationship for the past 4 years. (they broke up a year ago)

 

The following things have happened to her during that time:

 

- The guy cheated on her first after only 3 months, she forgave him

- He then had no income and the girl started paying his rent

- They moved together, girl paid everything for 3 years

- Guy had no job and was playing video games 24/7 for 3 years

- When girl was fed up and broke up (several times), guy slept on her porch and refused to leave until girl let him in again

- Guy was constantly cheating on her non-stop all that time (girl knew)

- Girl finds job for guy after 4 years, guy immediately leaves her after the first salary for someone else, just right after the girl’s mom has died

 

Facts about the girl:

 

- Finished med school being one of the very best

- Has IQ around 150

- Very caring and highly mature attitude and view of life

 

Facts about the guy:

 

- Probably IQ around 80-90

- Hasn’t finished high-school

- Is very lazy, only had one job at age 27 (which the girl got him – after which he immediately left)

 

Now to what happened:

 

I came together with the girl in June. Everything went well. I however have started to notice that she is very distrustful and reacts very suspiciously to any kind gesture etc. as if people can only act kindly if they have some hidden agenda.

 

She also showed signs of very low self-esteem.

 

During this time the ex-bf found out that she has someone else and has started to “stalk” her (calling her once a week) trying to convince her to get back with him again. He did this through verbal abuse.

 

I dismissed this for some time, never believing that she might take him seriously again after so much **** that he has done to her and especially after she seemed to have understood that the guy was a piece of crap and was bad for her.

 

Then like 3 weeks ago ex-bf forcibly enters gf’s apartment and they “talked” for 2 hours (at least that’s what I was told).

 

Then a few days later gf starts exaggerating all kinds of problems supposedly in me and then finally dumps me like a week later.

 

She tells me she does not have patience for relationships right now and would like to be alone instead and focus on herself.

 

Few days later I find out she is back with her ex-BF. I message her to ask if it’s true and she completely freaks out and is completely enraged like I’m the devil himself of something… she of course denies it and accuses me of being a paranoid ****head. Enraged she asks me never to bother her again.

 

I also find out that right around when they got back together again, the guy has lost his job and is now unemployed.

 

So, I’m just wondering what makes perfectly mature and highly intelligent women go back to their abusive low-quality partners and also when it’s so blatantly obvious that the only reason those partners want back is because they again need something from their former gf’s and eventually they will start behaving the same 100%.

 

Also, especially considering that it’s not the first time – the exact same cheat-abuse-breakup-forgive pattern has happened several times in the past… I just simply don’t get it.

 

A person can have a very high IQ while at the same time having a very low emotional IQ.

 

In addition, people with very low esteem and self-worth will throw themselves into their education, their jobs, as a way to dissociate from those feelings. Deep down inside they feel they deserve poor treatment and therefore, accept it in relationships. They are comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what they've become accustomed to. she is very distrustful and reacts very suspiciously to any kind gesture etc. as if people can only act kindly if they have some hidden agenda. -- That is a trait of abusers -- they can be very sweet and then turn on you in a flash . . . the victims walks on eggshells all the time.

 

They can be very intelligent and yet are very broken. They are very good at compartmentalization.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[apc4455]

Very insightful comments, thanks a lot.

 

Things are moving very quickly with the two already. Girl already visited guy's parents after 2 weeks of reconciliation and they are also engaged.