E60 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) Hi to all, It is my first post here. I am married (M,37) since 13 years, known my wife for 18 years. We have 2 kids, aged 5 and 11. Since around 5 years, i feel that the two of us have indeed slipped away. No fights, no arguments - just two good friends living together. Basically, I'm doing my own thing and she's doing hers. She sleeps early, I sleep late. I am constantly tired of always initiating sex. It seems that my wife has no needs, very little sex drive, no need to hug or cuddles or kissing. We have spoke over and over about this and how I feel that I am married and lonely. Unfortunately, very little has changed. Around 2 years ago, I have met another person and started an affair. During this affair, I have experienced a level of closeness and happiness with my AP which I never had with my wife. This other person is the exact opposite to my wife - passionate, cuddly and lovable. We love(d) each other in an incredible way. I know this is a complete mess and I should have broken up with W prior to starting this affair. I am a jerk, a cheater and hurt my W apart from complicating things big time. Anyhow, my AP asked me to take a decision, either her or W, and in a bid to make my marriage work and to avoid regrets post divorce, my AP and myself have decided to part ways (over 3 months now). I am now attending counselling with my wife, trying to fall in love again and take a more active part in my children's life. Unfortunately, counselling seems to be doing very little. Whilst both of us are doing an effort to make things work, I realise that we are so different and have so little in common. I am constantly feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. To complicate matters, I am constantly thinking of my AP and how things would be with her. I would be lying if I said that I don't have strong feelings about my W, however I have doubts as to whether I have really been in love with her or not. Starting such a relationship at 18 years of age does not help at all. I have read over and over about affair fog however it seems that the more time passes, the more I am missing my AP and what I could have had with her. On the other hand, I cannot imagine ruining my children's life and living without them (my wife is a foreigner and would in all probability leave for her home country which is around 4 hours by plane from where we live). I also cannot imagine abandoning my wife. Help please - should I just give up and go live on my own and start all over again and try to be the best dad possible for my children? I have promised myself that I will not contact my ex AP again until I start separation proceedings with my W. At this point I feel that she is already gone already and I will be on my own during this journey. Thank you for your help. Edited October 8, 2016 by E60
mrs rubble Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Does your wife know about the affair? If not, she should be told so she can make an informed decision about her future. 2
Ace of Pace Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I can't give you a straight answer for that. You need to decide for yourself. But I do believe that if you can handle it for the sake of your wife and your kids then you should try to salvage the marriage. But if you don't think you can then you shouldn't feel obligated and should focus on your own happiness.
Truefriend4lyfe Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Hello E60, I'm new here also. When I saw your post I had to reach out even before posting about my own heartaches myself. I must say, so many of us want to do what we think is the right thing in life. The right thing for our marriages & children. Its not easy at all. You have made the effort to go to counseling to try & fix things & with such a long history, it may not work right away & be a quick fix, but you obviously have a lot of needs that aren't being met & its ok for you to be 100% honest about them. To continue to live a life of unhappiness is not fair to you or your loved ones. While you obviously still have feelings about the other woman, you have strong history with your wife that was clearly meant to be, being you both created 2 children together, built a life together & care enough to try counseling. That is a bond that you should'nt allow anyone or anything to come between. If you ever truly loved your wife, it is always possible to get the connections that originally brought you close back together again. You both have to want it & you both have to try new things, change behaviors & mindset to work on it. For your kids & for yourselves especially. Neither one of you can be the best parents you can be to them if you both aren't happy in your lives. I am no counselor & my situation is extremely complicated. I'm going through heartache myself. Been married 13 yrs..together 20 & best friends since I was in Jr.highschool & he was in highschool..had our 1rst child at 19yrs old..we have 3 children, 16, 12, 5..two of our children are autistic. We have seperated countless times & are seperated now but still living together. He refuses to leave because he wants to be with us even if we're not together. Bottom line & long story short..family is family whether you stay with your wife or not & to be honest..if your love & heartfelt feelings were strong enough between you & the other female..you would have picked her without question & made it work with her instead.Thats what true love will make you do. Ultimately it sounds like you want your needs met by your wife, not her. Fix it with her. She loves you too..she wouldn't still be with you all of these yrs if she didn't want it to work. Rebuild your connection from ground up. The affection will come & get better & stronger if you BOTH really want it. Hope this was helpful. My opinion may not be right..just another opinion. I myself am in need of helpful opinions. Blessings to you & your family!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Hope this was helpful. My opinion may not be right..just another opinion. I myself am in need of helpful opinions. Blessings to you & your family! Welcome to Loveshack. It's considered better form to start your own thread rather than posting and asking for advice in someone elses. You'll also get better feedback... Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 hurt my W apart from complicating things big time. I'm assuming this means your wife knows about the affair. How did she find out ??? Mr. Lucky
Author E60 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Hello Truefriend4lyfe, Thank you for your feedback and for expressing your views so clearly. I am struggling daily in this relationship. This weekend was one of the worst - it seems that the more I am at home, the sadder it feels. I try to appreciate my beautiful kids and look at my W and say to myself how beautiful, good and loyal she is. Yet, deep down there is something which is telling me that things are not "right", there is something missing indeed. We are trying to be different, to be closer and more loving but it feels so unnatural, so "forced". It seems that a part of me is not present any more and has left. Tomorrow we have another session with the counselor. I pray to God that we will all be happy once again. Good luck Truefriend4lyfe. I will pray for you.
Author E60 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) I'm assuming this means your wife knows about the affair. How did she find out ??? Mr. Lucky Hi Mr. Lucky, I am glad that you have responded to my thread. I had reviewed a lot of threads similar to mine and your advice was always so meaningful. My wife does not know about the affair. I went to individual counselling (6 sessions) immediately after I broke off the affair. I felt very guilty about the whole situation and amongst others wanted to know how to best discuss this with my W. My counselor strongly advised me to keep the A for myself and take it with me to the tomb. He said that spilling the beans would not solve anything, will shift the pain to her and it would likely mean the end of the marriage. Once again thank you for your help. Edited October 11, 2016 by E60
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 My wife does not know about the affair. I went to individual counselling (6 sessions) immediately after I broke off the affair. I felt very guilty about the whole situation and amongst others wanted to know how to best discuss this with my W. My counselor strongly advised me to keep the A for myself and take it with me to the tomb. He said that spilling the beans would not solve anything, will shift the pain to her and it would likely mean the end of the marriage. Have to disagree with this. E60, you're in the process of making a difficult but fully informed decision about your marriage and future. Doesn't your wife deserve the same opportunity ??? It seems that a part of me is not present any more and has left. Tomorrow we have another session with the counselor. I pray to God that we will all be happy once again. How can MC be successful if neither your spouse nor counselor know the real issue you're being counseled for? There's a pretty big elephant in the room... Mr. Lucky 2
Just a Guy Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Hi E60, I strongly second what Mr. Lucky has to say. The fact is that your current situation is untenable. You do not love your wife anymore but are sticking around for the sake of the children and maintaining the facade of a happy marriage. However what you are not acknowledging to yourself is that you lack the moral courage to face up to the fall out of confessing your adultery to your wife and telling her that the marriage is over. It is like when you have a festering wound with pus in it which needs to be lanced and the opus removed to stop the pain and help the wound heal. If you continue ignoring attending to it then it will only become worse. If you have it lanced you will have to suffer pain for a while but that will subside and the wound will start healing immediately. However it requires courage to lance the festering wound initially. The choice is yours and your path is clear. It is you and you alone who can heal the situation. Warm wishes.
Truefriend4lyfe Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 Welcome to Loveshack. It's considered better form to start your own thread rather than posting and asking for advice in someone elses. You'll also get better feedback... Mr. Lucky Hello Mr. Lucky, Thanks for the welcome & your advice to me. I actually began scrolling through the site & E60's post stood out to me before I've decided to post a thread. Still trying to figure my way out through the site. Wasn't looking for advice at all in my comment, just wanted to share a little about me & my life experience in regards to starting out in a relationship so young & what not, all while giving my long winded advice. Just felt some similarities.
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