Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I realize that love isnt a decision, but potentially allowing yourself to see it and believe it is a decision. Redhead, you don't think its possible that it could take a while for a particularly emotionally disconnected person to really begin to notice these emotions? I.e. you believe 100% of the time people notice it earlier and more starkly? Also, I would have told her to move on as well. Looking at this from the outside if a guy hasn't figured out how he feels after a half year goes by, then its unlikely a few extra months is going to make a difference. She made the right choice given the situation. But we've been the exception before on other things and I'm starting to feel like we may be again. you believe 100% of the time people notice it earlier and more starkly? -- I believe that 100% of the people who fall in love can identify it more readily and sooner than a year or more. I also know that people who are emotionally disconnected are not just disconnected from the emotion of love. Their ability to identify, deal with, manage other emotions are affected as well, which also inhibits the ability to demonstrate love and maintain a relationship effectively.
Author dmj Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 particularly emotionally disconnected -- If a person is emotionally disconnected, it would take a truly significant period of time to get in touch with an emotion so powerful as love. People are emotionally disconnected because emotions are overwhelming and cause fear which overrides it. This statement goes to my earlier reply to you to explain another poster's suggested scenario -- idealizing and creating an impossible standard, thereby, sabotaging the possibility out of fear. Wouldn't this be an explanation for why I struggled to feel something before, and why I do now? Presumably someone doesn't automatically stay in this state forever, right? I'm assuming they have the ability to snap out of it? And if they did couldn't they begin to see the light?
Nowty V Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 (edited) It means you may be in love with the idealized version you have of her/a relationship. The idea, the concept, the vision you have in your head and so you are focusing on and looking for flaws to show that she doesn't match up. She's not perfect, so you're going to pass on her. It's basically sabotaging. On some level you may be afraid of having a relationship -- commitment-phobic, fear of intimacy. Furthermore, we are all conditioned from birth, by our nurture, society, school etc. All our life experiences go together to form our outlook and value system. It is unique to the possessor. We are prejudiced, we have our likes and dislikes our preferences and things we like to avoid. That is influenced by our value system. You never actually 'know' another, you only know the concept you form of them, and that is prejudiced for all the above reasons. Could you spend the rest of your life with the woman devoid of all sexual contact? Would you still be in love with her then? What role do the warm memories of sexual contact play in your perception of her? Edited October 9, 2016 by Nowty V
Redhead14 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Wouldn't this be an explanation for why I struggled to feel something before, and why I do now? Presumably someone doesn't automatically stay in this state forever, right? I'm assuming they have the ability to snap out of it? And if they did couldn't they begin to see the light? Wouldn't this be an explanation for why I struggled to feel something before, and why I do now? -- I think that's unlikely if you are indeed emotionally disconnected. It's too coincidental and too soon after this one ended. It takes much more than losing a relationship to overcome being emotionally disconnected. I'd say that you are using the "switch" analogy I made earlier -- "deciding" to love her. Presumably someone doesn't automatically stay in this state forever, right? -- That depends on why the person is in this "state", the root cause(s) for that condition. I'm assuming they have the ability to snap out of it? -- It's very unlikely that it would happen that way for a person who is truly emotionally disconnected. I will say that from the way you described the scenario, which indeed, lacks emotional color, you are still operating on a very cerebral level relative to the relationship. You haven't said anything that even remotely indicates that you have gotten in touch with any emotional investment toward her -- "OMG, I really do love her! I've been such an idiot. I want/need her back". Take some time for yourself. Step back from all this for a while. This experience is causing you a lot of confusion.
Author dmj Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 Furthermore, we are all conditioned from birth, by our nurture, society, school etc. All our life experiences go together to form our outlook and value system. It is unique to the possessor. We are prejudiced, we have our likes and dislikes our preferences and things we like to avoid. That is influenced by our value system. You never actually 'know' another, you only know the concept you form of them, and that is prejudiced for all the above reasons. Could you spend the rest of your life with the woman devoid of all sexual contact? Would you still be in love with her then? What role do the warm memories of sexual contact play in your perception of her? Interesting, but aren't you also saying that this would be true of 10, 20 year married spouses? If everything is just our prejudiced images of others than I guess how am I any different than anyone else and what lesson should I take from this? To a large extent we already made that choice. We decided to remain very close friends and I still see her quite often without being physical which isn't easy. I think both of us would be sad if we lost that too. But to answer your specific questions. 1) Lifelong? I'm not deciding if I'm going to propose to her, but I care enough about her to have already entered into a post breakup relationship with her devoid of sexual contact. Do I still care about her? Yes. Would I prefer if we are also intimate? Yes. Do I see long term relationship? Yes. But forgive me if I prefer to take on the question of life long if/when I get to that stage. I'm trying to not overanalyze and overwhelm myself by indulging that side of myself even more. 2) Conciously, I don't think whether or not I love her has that much to do with sex. Subconciously, maybe it plays a bigger role, but I can't say. Our sex life was really good, but I fell for her personality more than anything else. 3) See above about Conciously/subconciously. I would say her personality plays a much bigger role as does her little quirks. What I want back isn't the sex life, although I certainly wouldn't mind that. It's our cute affection for each other that I want back the most. Its what everyone said was special about us and now I personally really miss.
Author dmj Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 Wouldn't this be an explanation for why I struggled to feel something before, and why I do now? -- I think that's unlikely if you are indeed emotionally disconnected. It's too coincidental and too soon after this one ended. It takes much more than losing a relationship to overcome being emotionally disconnected. I'd say that you are using the "switch" analogy I made earlier -- "deciding" to love her. Presumably someone doesn't automatically stay in this state forever, right? -- That depends on why the person is in this "state", the root cause(s) for that condition. I'm assuming they have the ability to snap out of it? -- It's very unlikely that it would happen that way for a person who is truly emotionally disconnected. I will say that from the way you described the scenario, which indeed, lacks emotional color, you are still operating on a very cerebral level relative to the relationship. You haven't said anything that even remotely indicates that you have gotten in touch with any emotional investment toward her -- "OMG, I really do love her! I've been such an idiot. I want/need her back". Take some time for yourself. Step back from all this for a while. This experience is causing you a lot of confusion. I'm always going to come off as cerebral. It's deeply embedded in my personality and pysch world doesn't consider it a flaw. It's just a difference that <5% of the population is going to permanently have with everyone else even though the rest still think its weird. Even when I'm sharing my feelings they'll come off interpreted by my mind, words chosen carefully to specifically convey what I'm feeling, but also deeply honest. Even when I think of my most emotional conversations of my last decade or so... the above tends to be true.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I'm always going to come off as cerebral. It's deeply embedded in my personality and pysch world doesn't consider it a flaw. It's just a difference that <5% of the population is going to permanently have with everyone else even though the rest still think its weird. Even when I'm sharing my feelings they'll come off interpreted by my mind, words chosen carefully to specifically convey what I'm feeling, but also deeply honest. Even when I think of my most emotional conversations of my last decade or so... the above tends to be true. I didn't say it was a flaw. It is, however, an incomplete way of experiencing the world. Balance between the heart and the mind is what allows people to experience life/the world in full, rich, rewarding way. Operating from a cerebral level all the time, leaves the person feeling disconnected from the world/emotion and life usually feels a little mechanical and confused when they do have to deal with emotion. Operating too much from the emotional side causes chaos and confusion usually. Finding the middle is the best case scenario. Even when I'm sharing my feelings they'll come off interpreted by my mind, words chosen carefully to specifically convey what I'm feeling -- There are very few words you've been using that express "feeling" in these posts. What you are likely doing is watering down any emotions you may be feeling by running them through your cerebral filter, in which case, you aren't really experiencing them. If you are filtering or having to think about your emotions so actively before expressing them, it's like a person who is learning a foreign language. They have to run it through their heads first and then speak and it doesn't come out smoothly or naturally. After they get fluent, it runs off their tongues easily and clearly. They don't have to think about them.
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Versacehottie, thanks. Another really helpful post. I think it is safe to assume that your intuition about me was pretty spot on. I over analyze everything in my life and you're probably right that I would overthink any relationship I was in. To tell you the truth, I now really don't want to date a bunch of randoms. I thought I did. But when the time came, I'm just dreading the whole idea(easier to say you want something in the future when you don't need to mess with it yet). Went on 1 recently and sort of another and I don't really know why I ever wanted to do a lot of that. Since it had been a reasonably long time since my last date with someone I didnt already know pretty well, I may have stored away a rosier image of dating than reality. Isn't different degrees of spending kind of common in relationships? I've certainly seen it a lot. You're welcome. Idk, I think maybe you realize you definitely should give it a good/real chance because you could be in love whereas before you were stopping yourself because it didn't fit your "plan" for yourself. Idk, i don't think idealizing her and a relationship with her is any different than the idealizing other people are doing here about how love is supposed to be. It's different for different people, even the same people in as they are in new and different relationships. I'll admit a lot of what was said since my last post to you was over my head! And maybe more thinking than an over thinker needs to do. Just on a gut feeling, give it a chance or decide not to give it a chance. OP, you have kind of convinced me on the fact that you may be letting go of this dream you had to date a lot of others. The spending though, not so much. Of course, yes it can be different. I've been lucky myself, about same spending attitudes. Some of my friends not as much and it can be a huge source of problems. I think if you go into it without acting like you are her dad and that you both would have some compromise to do to get on the same page. I think people who are frugal can tend to think because they are "responsible" with their money they are superior. I also took what you said to say that you may make more, save more, etc. Try to wrap your head around the fact that some people who spend a bit more freely live in the moment a bit more and will bring that balance and sense of fun to your life, which in a way is taking responsibility for some the happiness and living that is meant to be done. As someone who plans everything out, it seems like you could probably use some of that in your life. Probably a combo of her understanding you & maybe having a more free attitude that draws you to her. She already gets points for figuring out how to make a friendship work with you after dating did not. I hope it's a good thing if you come back around to her. Good luck
Tribble Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 My first reaction to this question is, if you have to ask, no you're not. And having read the thread, I still don't think you are. That's OK though. It's clear you did care about her. Love is inexplicable. No-one can explain why you fall in love with someone and not with someone else. It seems like you think you SHOULD love her and you feel like you've failed because you didn't. It's like you're looking for a valid excuse - you overthink, you haven't been in love before, it didn't fit in with your preconceived plans etc. She sounds great on paper but that does not make love unfortunately. When you talk about missing her, it's not her you miss but the interaction and intimacy that you shared. You can get that, with someone else that you hopefully fall in love with. I agree you shouldn't say I love you when you don't mean it. My ex said I love you first and I wasn't ready so didn't say it back. I said it when I felt it and it actually meant something to each other. But when he first said it, I felt like I would get there, just not yet. I can be quite emotionally distant in terms of having walls up to protect myself. That is out of fear, I know that, and you have to be patient to get past that. I am capable of loving once I get through those walls though. I think if you loved her, you'd find it difficult to be friends with her. You'd have this yearning to be with her regardless of the perceived flaws and potential issues. You don't seem to have that. Again, that's OK. Everyone is capable of love but maybe you should look at it a little differently. You can love friends and family too, not just a partner. You don't need to say it but you should recognise it. There is no such thing as too much love in your life - loving people and being loved makes your life worth it.
Nowty V Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) Interesting, but aren't you also saying that this would be true of 10, 20 year married spouses? If everything is just our prejudiced images of others than I guess how am I any different than anyone else and what lesson should I take from this? No, initially for them to get married, but after 10, 20 years they 'know' each other, and either value each other or not based on strengths and weaknesses in their abilities toward one another and the relationship. You are no different to anyone else in this regard, except some very aware people who live in Tibet. What I want back isn't the sex life, although I certainly wouldn't mind that. It's our cute affection for each other that I want back the most. Its what everyone said was special about us and now I personally really miss. You want the intimacy [social] with someone who you felt 'got you' as a person. [where you stood, what you stood for, where you where coming from, in essence 'you'] They put you at ease in their company and gave you the gift of being authentic, experiencing your true self. Which is all well and good until you do something that causes the person to 'cut' that channel of communication with you, switch it off. If you let them, they meet someone else, open that channel with them and life goes on. As would you if you allowed it to happen. At the moment both of you are being rather 'Loadicean', neither Hot nor Cold. The days crawl but the years will fly by. You are both in each others way. Either go NC or get married, otherwise how long will this situation drag on? Edited October 10, 2016 by Nowty V
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