Am I In Love?

[dmj]

Would have gone for a more catchy title if I could.

 

I'll try to be as succinct as I can, but thank you to those who read through it all.

 

We dated for several months, she was in love with me, I wasn't so sure, so she ended it. I cared and respected her enough not to lie to her and the honest answer was "I don't know". Had never been in love before so I couldn't point to a prior relationship and know easily.

 

I haven't dated a lot. I'm not naturally flirtatious and have mild social awkwardness. Although I'm currently tapping my strong drive to throw the kitchen sink at those issues (even if its a multi year effort). Not only did she make it through that, but she was the first girl to really love the real me.

 

Everybody that met us said that we had something really special and that I needed to hold on to her. In a lot of ways our relationship was really special. We could say anything to each other; be ourselves; shared an adventorous spirit and dislike for the mundane; we appreciated each others generosity and kindness; and shared a desire to constantly make ourselves better. Beyond that, she possessed almost all of the traits I always wanted in a woman...

 

But that is where the theories for why its been hard for me begin.

1) She's a bit of a dichotomy. On the surface she could seem like the opposite of some of those traits which influenced some first impressions in a negative way.

2) When I was young I had lofty expectatuons for my future life. I may not be a fortune 500 CEO at 28, but I feel on track for my own definition of a perfect lifestyle (work, finances, hobbies, and maybe even physique). A great girl was always apart of those lofty expectations. While I never wanted the perfect girl, I may have gotten carried away with envisioning the perfect girl for me. It should have dawned on me earlier that you can invent a lifestyle, you can only find a human being and they'll never fit as perfectly.

3) In the rest of my life, the sky is the limit as to where I end up as I make a series of small decisions along the way. Choosing to love someone feels like 1 big decision, and the sky is no longer the limit as you now have to accept the reality of that single choice. The good and the bad as they are, nothing more. This may be the definition of a committment issue.

4) I do find her attractive and sexy, but she's very different than the look I thought I was going to end up falling in love with.

5) I believe that its not about finding a girl, but becoming the person that a girl would want to date. Finally in my late 20s and early 30s it would be my turn with lifestyle, career, working out, adventures, and a dedication to becoming a social warrior, it was my time to have fun; to enjoy a dating world that I only got glimpses of when I was younger. I wasnt ready for someone to end that plan.

6) A hodge podge of smaller but not insignificant issues. Very different approaches towards spending, accumulating things/stuff, family plans differ by a few years, etc.

7) Logically speaking the first real relationship I am in (outside of a FWB and a few 1 month flings) shouldn't be the right person.

 

We're still friends after the break up, but I find myself thinking about her all the time. I miss her. I miss being as close to her as we used to be. I think about spending the next 6+ months out dating which is what I thought I wanted for years, but I would rather spend that time with her. Logically, I would never consider myself a jealous person, but I get uncomfortable thoughts about her meeting someone else. If I think all the way back to high school, I would take her over almost every other girl I've ever known or met. And the small handful of others I'm could only be unsure of. I can't actually point to any girl and say for sure I would want them over her.

 

But its also possible that I'm just a little too attached to my first real relationship and a very good friend, miss intamcy, viewing our time together in rose collored glasses, worried about my potential to attract other women, downplaying real issues between us, or not realizing how big the sea is and that there are a lot of women that I could have an even more special relationship with.

 

What do you guys think am I in love?

Edited October 8, 2016 by dmj

[Buddhist]

No, I don't think you're in love. None of her supposed flaws would matter this much to you if you were. I think you are scared that you won't find something like that again and also not find your 'perfect girl' for you either. You can keep looking if you wish but you do take the risk of ending up single older and having to make more compromises in your romantic life as a result. The older you get the more likely it is your dating pool is going to have kids from prior relationships, divorces and all sorts of complications that undoubtedly your perfect girl does not have. Dating younger also has it's complications too.

 

Deciding to love someone isn't a huge deal really. It's just deciding to care about that person like they are the most precious thing to you. It doesn't sound like a commitment issue, it sounds like a self absorbed issue actually. Loving her would mean you'd have to think about someone other than yourself 100% of the time. Your choice.

[mikeylo]

You do want her but at the same time , you want your options open. Committing just to her, closes that. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It's a fact of life.

 

Many people who fall in love when not looking, usually end up with the opposite of what they had envisioned. From looks to characteristics to personality to even race !

 

Since you are broken up, it doesn't matter if you are in love or not with her because to me , it seems while you do love her, you are more self centered. Loving means giving and it doesn't seem you are ready to give. While very ready to take.

 

If you are wanting to see other women who could be better for you , then why are you looking back at her ? Keep moving. But she won't be there as you want to play your field and come back to her if you don't find anyone better. I'm sure she is not a fool to understand this. If she knows you, like you say, then sure as heck, she will know this too.

[dmj]

I guess I'm a bit surprised by the answers, but maybe this is an opportunity to learn something important that has so far alluded me.

 

The crux of my post is basically:

1) I care a lot about this girl

2) I want to be honest with her. Also to myself, but definitely honest with her.

3) It doesn't make sense to me why it wasn't more clear to me whether I was in love with this girl or not.

4) Since, I couldn't figure out why, here were some theories I came up with why it might have made it difficult for me. None of which I actually believe all that strongly, so I'm still left puzzled as to why my feelings weren't more clear cut.

5) Maybe I was in love with her the whole time, but just didn't realize it?

 

 

Do you feel I really am self absorbed or did I just make the mistake of devoting too much of my post to theories I came up to rationalize and explain why certain feelings were so hard to identify?

 

Also, is it really the selfish thing to care about someone enough to tell them the truth about your feelings? It seems like I have a lot of friends who seem to fall in love with every relationship they've ever had whether its been 3 or 30 of them. Is there something they understand that I don't? Are they the non selfish ones?

[mikeylo]

After getting her kind of unconditional love, you've developed GIGS.

 

One in hand that two in bush. You have chosen two in bush. If anything she deserves who returns her love and not someone who is daydreaming of someone non existent.

 

Play the field, whose to stop you but yeah, she won't settle being your last option because gigs failed.

[dmj]

After getting her kind of unconditional love, you've developed GIGS.

 

One in hand that two in bush. You have chosen two in bush. If anything she deserves who returns her love and not someone who is daydreaming of someone non existent.

 

Play the field, whose to stop you but yeah, she won't settle being your last option because gigs failed.

 

I am confused as to how you're coming to this conclusion unless it is your determination that everyone who doesn't immediately identify their feelings in a relationship is always after something else.

[dmj]

Maybe this help.

 

Remember Kevin from American Pie who couldn't tell Vicky that he loved her until it was true, honest, and the right moment? I immediately identified with that and remembered it for over a decade.

 

I don't even tell my parents, siblings, etc. that I love them because I feel its something reserved for a partner you care a lot for.

 

So here comes relationship and it just never felt obvious so I didn't say it. Maybe I set myself up for that result.

 

But that doesn't mean I was sitting there daydreaming about other women.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's very possible you could love her. #5 & #6 on your list could be more major than you think though. Especially #6: attitudes toward spending, values, life plan could be major in the future, even if they seem only minor to you right now. The rest all sounds very positive about loving her and her being the right one for you. It's pretty great when a girl sees you as you are and is in love with you EVEN BEFORE you have all those outside things. It's like she understands you; you can't buy that and it's a very hard thing to find. Actually when you have all the outside things, you may waste a lot of time on girls who want you for the outside things but don't care about you so much.

 

I get it: like many people especially guys, it's overwhelming to have things not go the way you thought when it comes to dating, getting serious with someone special and you thought you might date around first. AND not feeling ready for it. Especially if she was sure and it's taken you longer to realize it. There's also the possibility that you might just want what you can't have now (and want to see if you can get it/her). I don't know the real answer--that's inside of you. I do know that when someone special comes into your life like that, you'd be a fool to mess it up and as you are aware, she may not be around when you get around to it. Good luck.

[Omei]

No you don't

[joseb]

I think the reason people see you as self centered is the way you list out all your life targets like a shopping list, and a certain type of girl is just part of that list.

I dunno, but it seems like a cold way to think about it.

 

Anyway I think #6 may mean you two just aren't that compatible. What's her feeling on spending/accumulation that you don't like?

 

I don't think you were in love from what you wrote. At the same time though, it's telling that you don't say "I love you" to anyone. Might be worth exploring that.

 

And as you also say you are not ready to give up dating around, then you should do that.

[dmj]

I think the reason people see you as self centered is the way you list out all your life targets like a shopping list, and a certain type of girl is just part of that list.

I dunno, but it seems like a cold way to think about it.

 

Anyway I think #6 may mean you two just aren't that compatible. What's her feeling on spending/accumulation that you don't like?

 

I don't think you were in love from what you wrote. At the same time though, it's telling that you don't say "I love you" to anyone. Might be worth exploring that.

 

And as you also say you are not ready to give up dating around, then you should do that.

 

I've always been overly pratical, analytical, and logical. It doesn't mean I'm not emotional; often can be wear my emotions on my sleave. It just means that my my thinking tends to dominate my personality and my emotions sort of take a back seat. You're not the only person that has referred to it as cold. And you probably couldn't get a worse venue than me being on a relationship forum where I'm trying to be succinct, but provide as much relevant background I can.

 

Where did I say that I'm not giving up dating around? I think I said the opposite actually.

 

Instead I was trying to come up with beliefs I had ***before I started dating her*** that may have made it difficult for me to feel something at that level for her earlier in the relationship. Beliefs that I wouldnt say I even strongly had, but may be able to explain why I didn't have the movie experience of waking uo next to her and suddenly being like "I don't want to be with anyone else". It was all really gradual.

 

 

Well it's not a big deal right now in my mind, but she's a bit spendthrift and impulsively shops. I'm pretty frugal and plan out what I'm buying. But I also waste too much time when I need to get something so I'll shift a bit and even before we started dating she mentioned reading books on the psychology of spending habits to curb herself. I don't get the impression she's too bad and apparently a lot better than when she was younger.

[joseb]

Well I only have your posts to go on, you may be quite different in real life!

 

Perhaps I misunderstand about dating around, but you saying

it was my time to have fun; to enjoy a dating world that I only got glimpses of when I was younger. I wasnt ready for someone to end that plan.

 

Makes me think that this is what you actually want.

 

At the end of the day, I'm not sure all of this analysis will give you your answer. Love is an emotion, not an equation.

Personally, I think if you don't know, then you are not in love.

 

And being in love isn't the end game anyway. You can be in love and the relationship fails because of incompatibilities.

 

You were together what, a few months? Usually it takes at least 6 before you start to know if it might be long lasting.

[dmj]

Well I only have your posts to go on, you may be quite different in real life!

 

Perhaps I misunderstand about dating around, but you saying

it was my time to have fun; to enjoy a dating world that I only got glimpses of when I was younger. I wasnt ready for someone to end that plan.

 

Makes me think that this is what you actually want.

 

At the end of the day, I'm not sure all of this analysis will give you your answer. Love is an emotion, not an equation.

Personally, I think if you don't know, then you are not in love.

 

And being in love isn't the end game anyway. You can be in love and the relationship fails because of incompatibilities.

 

You were together what, a few months? Usually it takes at least 6 before you start to know if it might be long lasting.

 

I don't really think you're reading what I'm saying, but instead grabbing what you feel makes the point you want to make without much thought.

 

Again, prior to meeting her this was a reasonable approximation of what I felt. It's also a reasonable explanation as to why I could have taken longer to feel something for her.

 

But... it was clearly stated multiple times that this is not something I necessarily believe now. My subconcious could have had a lingering issue with it, hence why I brought it up as a possibility. Notice how I'm referring to it in the past tense.

 

 

I'm starting to wonder if, I'm capable of writing my thoughts and feelings with enough nuance for many on this forum to clearly follow.

[joseb]

There is no need to make subtle insults when people are trying to help you. Good luck with it, I'm out.

[Amber_K]

There is no need to make subtle insults when people are trying to help you. Good luck with it, I'm out.

 

I agree with Joseb - you would not have been so judgemental if you were truly in love.

[dmj]

I agree with Joseb - you would not have been so judgemental if you were truly in love.

 

Well that was intended to be a stab at myself which...

 

I guess is another instance of me not being able to communicate well on here.

[Versacehottie]

Well that was intended to be a stab at myself which...

 

I guess is another instance of me not being able to communicate well on here.

 

JosephB gives good advice on a regular basis. I think it's hard though if you are feeling like people don't understand you. Idk, I felt like I got a vibe that you just analyze a lot and think a lot, which probably has less to do with this girl than how you process things in general and would probably come up to some extent with whoever you'd like. The more you post, I think you probably have real feelings for her, possibly love and that the way you process information and feelings is part of the stumbling block you have. You shouldn't let her get too far away. If this thread is any evidence (and that applies to all of us), it's great to have someone who understands you and sticks with you, in spite of some things that others would maybe not.

 

I do think that feeling like you are missing out on dating others is a real concern. You need to wrap your head around that. Maybe you should rush to date 5 or so people so you can experience what that is really like (perhaps no real connection). Secondly, i know you claim it's minor but there is a rigidity to what you are saying about spending (i think I am picking up on some undertones in what you say about it) and that will be huge in the future. I don't know the way around that problem, I think it will come up with a lot of women you will date--again due to how you process information and your values on the subject. Good luck

[dmj]

Versacehottie, thanks.

 

Another really helpful post. I think it is safe to assume that your intuition about me was pretty spot on. I over analyze everything in my life and you're probably right that I would overthink any relationship I was in.

 

To tell you the truth, I now really don't want to date a bunch of randoms. I thought I did. But when the time came, I'm just dreading the whole idea(easier to say you want something in the future when you don't need to mess with it yet). Went on 1 recently and sort of another and I don't really know why I ever wanted to do a lot of that. Since it had been a reasonably long time since my last date with someone I didnt already know pretty well, I may have stored away a rosier image of dating than reality.

 

Isn't different degrees of spending kind of common in relationships? I've certainly seen it a lot.

[Redhead14]

Would have gone for a more catchy title if I could.

 

I'll try to be as succinct as I can, but thank you to those who read through it all.

 

We dated for several months, she was in love with me, I wasn't so sure, so she ended it. I cared and respected her enough not to lie to her and the honest answer was "I don't know". Had never been in love before so I couldn't point to a prior relationship and know easily.

 

I haven't dated a lot. I'm not naturally flirtatious and have mild social awkwardness. Although I'm currently tapping my strong drive to throw the kitchen sink at those issues (even if its a multi year effort). Not only did she make it through that, but she was the first girl to really love the real me.

 

Everybody that met us said that we had something really special and that I needed to hold on to her. In a lot of ways our relationship was really special. We could say anything to each other; be ourselves; shared an adventorous spirit and dislike for the mundane; we appreciated each others generosity and kindness; and shared a desire to constantly make ourselves better. Beyond that, she possessed almost all of the traits I always wanted in a woman...

 

But that is where the theories for why its been hard for me begin.

1) She's a bit of a dichotomy. On the surface she could seem like the opposite of some of those traits which influenced some first impressions in a negative way.

2) When I was young I had lofty expectatuons for my future life. I may not be a fortune 500 CEO at 28, but I feel on track for my own definition of a perfect lifestyle (work, finances, hobbies, and maybe even physique). A great girl was always apart of those lofty expectations. While I never wanted the perfect girl, I may have gotten carried away with envisioning the perfect girl for me. It should have dawned on me earlier that you can invent a lifestyle, you can only find a human being and they'll never fit as perfectly.

3) In the rest of my life, the sky is the limit as to where I end up as I make a series of small decisions along the way. Choosing to love someone feels like 1 big decision, and the sky is no longer the limit as you now have to accept the reality of that single choice. The good and the bad as they are, nothing more. This may be the definition of a committment issue.

4) I do find her attractive and sexy, but she's very different than the look I thought I was going to end up falling in love with.

5) I believe that its not about finding a girl, but becoming the person that a girl would want to date. Finally in my late 20s and early 30s it would be my turn with lifestyle, career, working out, adventures, and a dedication to becoming a social warrior, it was my time to have fun; to enjoy a dating world that I only got glimpses of when I was younger. I wasnt ready for someone to end that plan.

6) A hodge podge of smaller but not insignificant issues. Very different approaches towards spending, accumulating things/stuff, family plans differ by a few years, etc.

7) Logically speaking the first real relationship I am in (outside of a FWB and a few 1 month flings) shouldn't be the right person.

 

We're still friends after the break up, but I find myself thinking about her all the time. I miss her. I miss being as close to her as we used to be. I think about spending the next 6+ months out dating which is what I thought I wanted for years, but I would rather spend that time with her. Logically, I would never consider myself a jealous person, but I get uncomfortable thoughts about her meeting someone else. If I think all the way back to high school, I would take her over almost every other girl I've ever known or met. And the small handful of others I'm could only be unsure of. I can't actually point to any girl and say for sure I would want them over her.

 

But its also possible that I'm just a little too attached to my first real relationship and a very good friend, miss intamcy, viewing our time together in rose collored glasses, worried about my potential to attract other women, downplaying real issues between us, or not realizing how big the sea is and that there are a lot of women that I could have an even more special relationship with.

 

What do you guys think am I in love?

 

and the honest answer was "I don't know". -- There is a saying that goes like this "if you don't know, you know". In this case, you don't know if you love her means you know you don't.

 

What do you guys think am I in love -- If you were in love with her, you would have told her so and/or would have been showing her enough for her to know it without having to ask you. She knew something was off but took the leap and had the sense to end it when she got confirmation.

 

If she had come here and told us her side of the story -- the guy she had been dating for months told her he didn't know if he loved her -- we would tell her to keep moving.

 

Choosing to love someone feels like 1 big decision, -- Love is not a decision . . . it happens when it happens if you allow yourself to be open and genuine. It is not a switch that you turn on or off. If you're feeling like it's a choice, something you control, that's a problem you need to think about. You don't go up to someone and say "I've decided I'm gonna love you".

 

Most everyone looks back on their "first love" and wonders, until they find the one that makes them stop looking back. This one is over. Whether or not she was "the one" is kinda moot. Look forward to the future and get clear in your head about what you want for yourself in terms of dating goals and get to know yourself better. You'll know when it's real for you, you just will.

[Nowty V]

What do you guys think am I in love?

 

With the girl? No

 

You are in love with the prejudiced concept you have formed of her.

[dmj]

You are in love with the prejudiced concept you have formed of her.

 

Can you expand on this a bit?

[dmj]

I realize that love isnt a decision, but potentially allowing yourself to see it and believe it is a decision.

 

Redhead, you don't think its possible that it could take a while for a particularly emotionally disconnected person to really begin to notice these emotions? I.e. you believe 100% of the time people notice it earlier and more starkly?

 

 

Also, I would have told her to move on as well. Looking at this from the outside if a guy hasn't figured out how he feels after a half year goes by, then its unlikely a few extra months is going to make a difference. She made the right choice given the situation.

 

But we've been the exception before on other things and I'm starting to feel like we may be again.

[Miss Clavel]

Would have gone for a more catchy title if I could.

 

I'll try to be as succinct as I can, but thank you to those who read through it all.

 

We dated for several months, she was in love with me, I wasn't so sure, so she ended it. I cared and respected her enough not to lie to her and the honest answer was "I don't know". Had never been in love before so I couldn't point to a prior relationship and know easily.

 

I haven't dated a lot. I'm not naturally flirtatious and have mild social awkwardness. Although I'm currently tapping my strong drive to throw the kitchen sink at those issues (even if its a multi year effort). Not only did she make it through that, but she was the first girl to really love the real me.

 

Everybody that met us said that we had something really special and that I needed to hold on to her. In a lot of ways our relationship was really special. We could say anything to each other; be ourselves; shared an adventorous spirit and dislike for the mundane; we appreciated each others generosity and kindness; and shared a desire to constantly make ourselves better. Beyond that, she possessed almost all of the traits I always wanted in a woman...

 

But that is where the theories for why its been hard for me begin.

1) She's a bit of a dichotomy. On the surface she could seem like the opposite of some of those traits which influenced some first impressions in a negative way.

2) When I was young I had lofty expectatuons for my future life. I may not be a fortune 500 CEO at 28, but I feel on track for my own definition of a perfect lifestyle (work, finances, hobbies, and maybe even physique). A great girl was always apart of those lofty expectations. While I never wanted the perfect girl, I may have gotten carried away with envisioning the perfect girl for me. It should have dawned on me earlier that you can invent a lifestyle, you can only find a human being and they'll never fit as perfectly.

3) In the rest of my life, the sky is the limit as to where I end up as I make a series of small decisions along the way. Choosing to love someone feels like 1 big decision, and the sky is no longer the limit as you now have to accept the reality of that single choice. The good and the bad as they are, nothing more. This may be the definition of a committment issue.

4) I do find her attractive and sexy, but she's very different than the look I thought I was going to end up falling in love with.

5) I believe that its not about finding a girl, but becoming the person that a girl would want to date. Finally in my late 20s and early 30s it would be my turn with lifestyle, career, working out, adventures, and a dedication to becoming a social warrior, it was my time to have fun; to enjoy a dating world that I only got glimpses of when I was younger. I wasnt ready for someone to end that plan.

6) A hodge podge of smaller but not insignificant issues. Very different approaches towards spending, accumulating things/stuff, family plans differ by a few years, etc.

7) Logically speaking the first real relationship I am in (outside of a FWB and a few 1 month flings) shouldn't be the right person.

 

We're still friends after the break up, but I find myself thinking about her all the time. I miss her. I miss being as close to her as we used to be. I think about spending the next 6+ months out dating which is what I thought I wanted for years, but I would rather spend that time with her. Logically, I would never consider myself a jealous person, but I get uncomfortable thoughts about her meeting someone else. If I think all the way back to high school, I would take her over almost every other girl I've ever known or met. And the small handful of others I'm could only be unsure of. I can't actually point to any girl and say for sure I would want them over her.

 

But its also possible that I'm just a little too attached to my first real relationship and a very good friend, miss intamcy, viewing our time together in rose collored glasses, worried about my potential to attract other women, downplaying real issues between us, or not realizing how big the sea is and that there are a lot of women that I could have an even more special relationship with.

 

What do you guys think am I in love?

 

no, you are not in love with her.

[Redhead14]

Can you expand on this a bit?

 

It means you may be in love with the idealized version you have of her/a relationship. The idea, the concept, the vision you have in your head and so you are focusing on and looking for flaws to show that she doesn't match up. She's not perfect, so you're going to pass on her. It's basically sabotaging. On some level you may be afraid of having a relationship -- commitment-phobic, fear of intimacy.

[Redhead14]

I realize that love isnt a decision, but potentially allowing yourself to see it and believe it is a decision.

 

Redhead, you don't think its possible that it could take a while for a particularly emotionally disconnected person to really begin to notice these emotions? I.e. you believe 100% of the time people notice it earlier and more starkly?

 

 

Also, I would have told her to move on as well. Looking at this from the outside if a guy hasn't figured out how he feels after a half year goes by, then its unlikely a few extra months is going to make a difference. She made the right choice given the situation.

 

But we've been the exception before on other things and I'm starting to feel like we may be again.

particularly emotionally disconnected -- If a person is emotionally disconnected, it would take a truly significant period of time to get in touch with an emotion so powerful as love. People are emotionally disconnected because emotions are overwhelming and cause fear which overrides it.

 

This statement goes to my earlier reply to you to explain another poster's suggested scenario -- idealizing and creating an impossible standard, thereby, sabotaging the possibility out of fear.