nosliweeb33 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) This is going to be long, but this is how I feel and I need help. My boyfriend of 7 years left me a year ago. We were together since high school and completely in love from the beginning. I was always working since high school and I supported him financially up until last year. From day one he did his thing, dealt with other girls etc etc and I stood by him. He cheated on me multiple times and I always forgave it. I always supported his dream to be a barber, helped him graduate high school and helped him get into barber school. Honestly, I feel like he could've done so much better in supporting me considering I was working, and in school, but he still just did his thing. But when I had my daughter things changed. I couldn't put his needs before hers so when he needed something I was hesitant because I wasn't gonna take from my daughter especially when I was the only one, at that time, providing for the family. About 3 years ago we got really rocky, arguing all of the time, talking down to each other, etc. He decided we needed to break up. Of course, with the many times he said it before and came back, I assumed he'd be back. I started investigating, finding out that he was dealing with another woman. Knowing that I had his child and he was out screwing off, I knew I couldn't forgive it. So I decided to pursue someone else. I was seeing this guy at my job. Honestly, I couldn't get over my child's father and I begged him to make it work, but he kept saying we're not together and he was doing what he wanted so I started to let it go. The other guy and I hit it off well, had sex and my child's father found out and went nuts. Crying all over the place etc. to find out he was basically living a double life, playing daddy to someone else's kids. We decided we'd make it work and he even moved in. Things were sweeter than ever after getting back together but of course neither of us truly could let go of the images of the past and the thought of us both with someone else. Eventually we argued more, he wasn't financially stable and was upset but I started feeling used, knowing he was still being dishonest and not faithful. One night he stayed out pretty late, came home that morning and I went to work. I left my daughter with him and when I got back she told me she had chips for breakfast. I was pissed! It wasn't the chips, it was the fact that I knew he was out all night screwing around and he couldn't get his ass up and feed her real food. We argued big time, things were thrown, but this time I left. Because his car was broken down, he was stuck right at home. He texted me saying I left him there knowing he didn't have a car and I didn't care. When I came back, more things were thrown, he pulled a gun on me, called his mom over, I guess to beat my ass. I called my brother, which was something I'd never done before and that was it. He moved his stuff out and left. A week later my daughter went to spend the night with him at his mom's. she came back telling me dad was laying with another woman and of course I flipped, it had only been a week. After that happened I met up with this guy, who my child's father hated since high school and made it very clear even seven years later. The guy and I only had a conversation for 30 min and til this day have not spoken since. Well eventually my child's father and I got back together and I never told him about meeting up with the guy. Of course it wasn't the same. I knew he was still conversing with the girl, because I saw pictures, read her tweets and her FB and she was in love with him. A few months later something happened where I decided to finally tell him, about meeting up with the guy. That was it. He left, after everything we had been through and everything I put up with, he left. He said that's just one line you don't cross. I didn't fight, at all. 1 because I knew the other girl was falling, 2 because I thought he needed to fight for me. Since then we've had major issues as it relates to co-parenting. I didn't give him any tax money so he decided to dog me on social media and that never sat well with me so I just loved him from a distance. He'd ask for favors and I'd just say no, because he wasn't gonna use me. He had a graduation, didn't invite me but I went anyway because I always wanted to see him get him barber license. the girl was there and I was hurt. He invited her over me. I know he's been with two women for sure since our split, both openly expressing their love for him. My daughter has met both. well time has passed and just the other day we had a long conversation, about where things went wrong and reminisced and ended up having sex that night. He came clean to me about everything, even how he had someone pregnant before we ended. And I forgave him, but for an instant I wanted my family back together, BUT HE tells me disloyalty will never sit right with him. How do I get over that? the fact that he continues to use my mistake as the reason he did what he did and never stepped up to the plate as a man nor father? He's getting better with supporting his daughter, I can say that. And he's not a bad person and very wise, but how do I get over 7 years with this man????? Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Author nosliweeb33 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 I want to understand how this thing works. I posted in this forum "getting over it" and no one responded. It's lengthy but I need help, plz.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) By reflecting on the fact that you were basically, HIS mother for those 7 years and he got jealous and needy when a new baby came into the picture. Now it's time for the mother to let this child go home to his real mother and let her finish the job she started . . . or some other woman who wants a man-child to raise. And he's not a bad person -- He may not be a bad person, but he is certainly an incomplete one. Your primary focus and responsibility is to your daughter. You need to set a strong example for her. And, when she is older and comes to you with the story you've presented or similar about some guy she's with -- what will you tell her? Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge threads and redact quote of starting post 1
Toodaloo Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 1. Thats a wall of text which is really difficult to read. 2. Thats a whole heap of drama which is again really difficult to read - do you not have hobbies or something? The pair of you are as bad as one another and quite frankly you both need to grow up. I feel sorry for your daughter to have to go through Mummy and Daddy behaving like this all the time. So you want help? Ditch him. Set up agreed child support payments, set up agreed access. Stick to it and quit the yo yo drama queen thing you have been doing. Next sort your life out and sort your priorities out. Because at the moment you sure as heck have not got them straight. To put it bluntly you want this to change? You have to be the change.
Author nosliweeb33 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 By reflecting on the fact that you were basically, HIS mother for those 7 years and he got jealous and needy when a new baby came into the picture. Now it's time for the mother to let this child go home to his real mother and let her finish the job she started . . . or some other woman who wants a man-child to raise. And he's not a bad person -- He may not be a bad person, but he is certainly an incomplete one. Your primary focus and responsibility is to your daughter. You need to set a strong example for her. And, when she is older and comes to you with the story you've presented or similar about some guy she's with -- what will you tell her? I will tell her that I struggled, really hard to get over this. That I had to start new and recreate the woman I was destined to be instead of the woman I was molded into for the sake of a selfish man. I will tell her that SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT! That her life matters and that her happiness is more important than any man who will continue to make her unhappy. Just keep me in your prayers. It's hard, because despite the fact that I was taking care of him, to me it was out of love and support, so I am working very hard to let that go right now. I'm reading articles, forums, and books and looking into those beautiful little eyes knowing that she deserves MUCH better. Thanks love, any more suggestions? 1
Author nosliweeb33 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 1. Thats a wall of text which is really difficult to read. 2. Thats a whole heap of drama which is again really difficult to read - do you not have hobbies or something? The pair of you are as bad as one another and quite frankly you both need to grow up. I feel sorry for your daughter to have to go through Mummy and Daddy behaving like this all the time. So you want help? Ditch him. Set up agreed child support payments, set up agreed access. Stick to it and quit the yo yo drama queen thing you have been doing. Next sort your life out and sort your priorities out. Because at the moment you sure as heck have not got them straight. To put it bluntly you want this to change? You have to be the change. I agree that my priorities have not been in order. However, what exactly makes you think that I am a yoyo drama queen, if I understand what that means at all.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I will tell her that I struggled, really hard to get over this. That I had to start new and recreate the woman I was destined to be instead of the woman I was molded into for the sake of a selfish man. I will tell her that SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT! That her life matters and that her happiness is more important than any man who will continue to make her unhappy. Just keep me in your prayers. It's hard, because despite the fact that I was taking care of him, to me it was out of love and support, so I am working very hard to let that go right now. I'm reading articles, forums, and books and looking into those beautiful little eyes knowing that she deserves MUCH better. Thanks love, any more suggestions? I will tell her that I struggled, really hard to get over this. That I had to start new and recreate the woman I was destined to be instead of the woman I was molded into for the sake of a selfish man. I will tell her that SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT! That her life matters and that her happiness is more important than any man who will continue to make her unhappy. -- Now start "living" those words for yourself and her with resolve and a focused approach to a future that is all about the two of you. Support her relationship with her father and co-parent in a mature and civil manner. Make sure she is not witness to disagreements or used as a pawn. Maintain a good/active support system. It's hard, because despite the fact that I was taking care of him, to me it was out of love and support, -- Love and support for an adult crosses the line when you are losing yourself in doing that. Again, this was more of a parent/child dynamic and still basically an enabling scenario. You didn't do him any favors by basically exempting him being a responsible and active supporter/participant of the relationship. Try not to let this spill over into your parenting of your daughter. In other words, don't over-compensate for the absence of her father or let her "get away" with not having responsibilities and accountability appropriate to her age at various stages of her life. 1
Author nosliweeb33 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 I will tell her that I struggled, really hard to get over this. That I had to start new and recreate the woman I was destined to be instead of the woman I was molded into for the sake of a selfish man. I will tell her that SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT! That her life matters and that her happiness is more important than any man who will continue to make her unhappy. -- Now start "living" those words for yourself and her with resolve and a focused approach to a future that is all about the two of you. Support her relationship with her father and co-parent in a mature and civil manner. Make sure she is not witness to disagreements or used as a pawn. Maintain a good/active support system. It's hard, because despite the fact that I was taking care of him, to me it was out of love and support, -- Love and support for an adult crosses the line when you are losing yourself in doing that. Again, this was more of a parent/child dynamic and still basically an enabling scenario. You didn't do him any favors by basically exempting him being a responsible and active supporter/participant of the relationship. Try not to let this spill over into your parenting of your daughter. In other words, don't over-compensate for the absence of her father or let her "get away" with not having responsibilities and accountability appropriate to her age at various stages of her life. With all of the advice I received, this was great. Honest and straightforward. Thank you!
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