How am I handling the breakup?

[BrightlyBlazing]

Hello. I was dumped at the end of July (almost 2 and half months ago) by my girlfriend of 4 months. We had been best friends before we got together, but I had been in love with her for almost a year when we finally got together (she had rejected me just a few months earlier, saying she had never thought of me that way.) While we were together, my now-ex was talking about this bright, shiny future. She wanted to get married, have kids, all that. With me. We had been friends for a long time before we got together, and very intimate friends, so I... believed her. I thought our relationship was just the natural evolution of two best friends falling in love with each other.

 

The last month of our relationship, though, she was very distant. Annoyed by my attempts to be romantic with her, affectionate. I tried giving her space, and I tried talking to her, and I tried asking her if there was something wrong, but she kept saying nothing was wrong, that she was happy, that she loved me 'with all her heart.'

 

Two days later she dumped me. She told me at first that she was really not in a good place, couldn't be in a relationship. I offered to be patient and wait with her and keep loving her (from inside the relationship). Then she said she didn't know if she wanted to be with me for our big future plans anymore. Said most of the time she didn't, but some days she did... I offered to try and work on things with her, fight for her, etc. Finally she came out and told me she didn't think her feelings were continuing anymore. I told her it was okay, and that we could try to see if we could get them back if she wanted, but then I asked her if she wanted - for herself, because she kept saying I 'deserved better' - to be single, and she said yes. She said she didn't want to break up with me because she knew I loved her, but she felt like she needed to. I told her okay. That I never wanted her to do anything with me out of obligation. She said she hadn't always felt that way. That once upon a time she really did want to be with me because I was such a great person (which just makes me feel like she jumped into a relationship with me because she felt like I was 'the ideal girlfriend' - not someone she really wanted to date.)

 

She asked if we could be friends again, because she needed me in my life, and I gently explained that I couldn't do that. I couldn't go backwards that way. She said okay. She tried to talk to me a bit longer, but I told her I needed to be alone, and that was the last time we spoke - except for once.

 

After the breakup, I thought about things for an hour or so and then slowly began putting NC in place. I'd been aware this was potentially on the horizon for at least a month. I knew that if it happened, I was not going to be able to keep her in my life. I love her too much. I would have been a false friend, holding on to every word she said, everything she did, as hope that she would get back together with me. I would have hidden my heartbreak and lied to stay close to her, pretending not to be broken-hearted when she inevitably said things about another love interest. I would have turned into Gollum. And I didn't want to do that. I wanted her to remember me as someone who loved her too much to accept anything less than a happily ever after with her. Someone who walked away when she walked out instead of settling for scraps. I did it so that I could try to move on, get to a place where I didn't feel like I 'needed' her anymore, so that if we ever crossed paths again in the future, or she ever came back, I would be in an objective place to decide whether I try dating her again. I decided then and there that I was never going to contact her first again, unless I heard from her, and only after NC was over.

 

I think partly, in a way, I also wanted to put some roadblocks between her and me, to make her reaching out to me something she'd have to put effort into. Make a real decision that she wanted me back in her life, not just turn on Skype one day and message me 'hey what's up?' She has my e-mail address, my physical address, and my phone number (or did anyway). But I blocked her on Skype, deleted Whatsapp off of my phone, unfriended her on Steam and Battle.net, and deleted the tumblr she followed me on so that I could make a new one she didn't know about where I could vent about my feelings without hurting hers.

 

10 days into NC, after a lot of crying and wailing and trying to distract myself with shows and games and food, I met a new grad student on campus who needed a place to stay until her apartment was ready, and I invited her to stay in my spare room. It turned out that she had recently been dumped as well, and was hurting the same as me, and later that night over drinks we decided to see if sleeping together could help us manage the pain. We started a non-romantic physical fling that lasted a couple of weeks, and it did help, but when she moved into her apartment she stopped seeing each other very often and drifted out of each other's life.

 

I don't know how much my ex knows about this fling. I told a few friends about it, including one mutual friend who was kind of on bad terms with my ex at the time, and I mentioned it once or twice on tumblr when journalling about my hurt feelings. It's possible my ex tracked down my new tumblr, it's possible she heard about it through the grape vine. I kinda hope she hasn't been reading my new blog, as that kind of feels like an invasion of privacy at this point, and it is my private space. It's a very necessary outlet. Since I didn't get any closure from her, venting there has been my one real way to get my feelings sorted out so that I could try and move on, and having my friends read my feelings and respond with affirmations and feedback has been very helpful and supportive. If she's reading it -- that's on her.

 

16 days after the breakup, the city where my ex (who had moved back to Louisiana where her family is) lives was flooded by severe flooding that killed several people. I was worried about her, so I broke NC to send her a text message and ask if she was okay, and her family. She said she was and that her family was mostly fine aside from flood damage, thanked me for thinking of them, and I told her 'of course, thank you for letting me know, I'm glad you're safe.' She didn't respond again, and I went back to NC as planned.

 

The second month after the breakup was a lot harder than the first. I had a couple emotional breakdowns at work (I never skipped a day) and wound up crying in huge heaping sobs to a friend on more than one occasion. I started realizing things about our relationship that made me feel used and led on and really, really hurt, but I still loved her (still do), and missed her terribly. Holding to NC was hard, but my friends helped me, I blogged a lot on tumblr (sometimes calmly 'One of the reasons why this hurts so much...' and sometimes in pain 'You were supposed to be the one who WASN'T going to leave! You Promised me!...' and slowly, but surely, I started healing.

 

Part of the moving on process for me involved flirting. A lot. Online, offline. With no intention of starting anything, or being serious, I flirted with every pretty girl under the sun. It felt good, feeling wanted, and desirable, again. It helped, to go home with that little fantasy in my head -- that 'if I were ready... that redhead would have come home with me...' I changed my hair (from dark brown to wine-red), got some new makeup, new clothes, and a bunch of new push-up bras. I wanted to feel sexy again and not like someone's discard trash.

 

Around week 9 of NC, I started having days when I wasn't miserable, finally. Week 10 (now), I had a couple days when I woke up feeling a lot of clarity towards the break up (it wasn't my fault, she just wasn't into me...) followed by a day of abject misery.

 

I decided to start trying to move on. It had been ten weeks NC, and I hadn't had any messages from her at all. I was starting to feel better, except that it was beginning to feel like I really wasn't ever going to hear from her again, and that still hurt because the hope part of my heart is taking an extraordinarily long time to die. I started to thinking that it was time to get back out there. Go on a few dates, maybe kiss a few people, see where it goes.

 

Two days ago, at the start of week 11, I reinstalled Whatsapp so that I could contact one of these girls about a date, and accidentally discovered that my ex had deleted me from her smartphone address book. Although by that point it seemed ridiculous (after all, I had blocked her on skype, deleted whatsapp, removed her from my friends lists on multiple services -- why shouldn't she have deleted me from her address list by now? We hadn't spoken in 8 weeks) but it hurt me. Badly. In a way, it felt like the final death knell for that tiny hope I was still nursing in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, she'd take a few months, think things over, and then change her mind, and maybe, just maybe, I'd still be around.

 

Even I hadn't deleted her from my address book. But she had.

 

I'm starting to think one more month of not dating might be a good idea, because I'm clearly not done getting over her yet. But in a more general sense... do I sound like as much of a mess as I feel? I tried to handle this breakup with as little drama as possible, but there have been a lot of nights with tons of crying, I'm still venting on tumblr occasionally, it's possible my ex knows that I had a physical fling with someone less than two weeks after she dumped me, I broke NC once, and she deleted me from her phone address book. And... part of me still hopes that she comes back, changes her mind, makes an effort to get me back and try again. Am I a ... human breakup disaster like I feel like, or am I doing okay?

Edited October 8, 2016 by BrightlyBlazing

[Ace of Pace]

It's very tough to get over a breakup and it indeed takes week and months.

 

 

It's not easy but you need to take your ex off of your mind. Think of happy thoughts. Of a happy future. That does not involve your ex. The sooner you slash that last bit of hope the better. Right now you need acceptance.

[BrightlyBlazing]

It's hard. Even when I tell myself I don't want her back (because of X, Y, Z reasons) another part of me knows that I really do. I don't know how to stop having hope. Or wishful thinking. I would really love to get rid of it, but I'm also scared to do so, because... she was ... amazing. She just didn't want me.

[lilmissjava]

She just didn't want me.

 

This is so telling. The healing process is going to take time.

 

Break ups are not fun, but when you acknowledge something like the above, all the more power to you to get out there and kick this ex-addiction.

[Ace of Pace]

Think of it this way. Why do you want someone that doesn't want to have anything to do with you? That someone doesn't care about you. Doesn't care if you live today or die tomorrow. Doesn't have an ounce of concern for you.

 

 

Do you really want to waste your time over someone like that? That someone is not worthy of it. Not even one second. You deserve someone who is.

[joyful]

BB, so sorry for your pain. I think you are handling the breakup as well as you can. It takes time. You had been in love with your best friend for a year and then had a brief relationship with her. Unfortunately, it sounds like she tried, but in the end found that you are indeed her friend, not her "One." That happens. All you can do is accept -- treat yourself kindly, stay NC, and let time do what it always does, which is heal.

[DarrenB]

I'll be honest with you. I'm not going to tell you B/U's are easy, I'm not going to tell you that you'll get over this tomorrow or in time, because you simply might not. I'm not going to tell you to rule off a second chance, but I'm not going to tell you to hold onto something that is obsolete. If you think about, there is an immense variety of outcomes, outcomes of which will reflect on the decisions you make and the actions you undertake from here on out.

 

Unrequited love towards or from your other half is common, especially in 'earlybird' relationships. Seeing as you knew her beforehand, obviously at the time benefited the both of you, however, with time comes change; within a person and how they foresee things. You've done what you could. You loved and you gave it a chance, she did the same. The opportunity was given, but evidently the R/S, unfortunately ran it's course, as did her feelings towards you. You cannot help that, it isn't really your fault at all.

 

You're handling it as well as you can. How we perceive ourselves as humans and the way we handle things, is different to how other people probably would. I personally think alot of us, are too harsh on ourselves. We feel guilty when perhaps we shouldn't, we love what loathes us, we hurt when it is not necessary, and we commit and hope even when all is lost. This, in itself is simply the process of coping but also suffering. We (the dumpee's as people would call) often hope for reconciliation with our previous partner. We expect them too. Obviously, this is very rarely the case. I'm a firm believer in second chances, I'm a firm believer that change between the two can either make the relationship better than it ever was, or, ultimately make it harder than it ever could have been. There is no in between. I believe in love, I believe you only find true love once. Regardless of your age, you will only find it once. It will either stay with you indefinitely as a benefit, or will become a regret: a distant memory of what has been lost. Take this B/U how you will, but after everything, you will recover and you will return to these moments of sorrow and wonder 'why on earth did I feel like this?'.

 

You need to focus on your self-worth. Self-preservation and fufillment. Is it hard right now? yes, of course it is. Will things get better in time? once you heal? is there potential in the future? yes, yes and perhaps there is... but I can guarantee when that time comes, it won't even cross your mind.

Edited October 8, 2016 by DarrenB

[Logo]

The road ahead is brighter. You will find a woman who will love you, adore you, care for you and give you her all, her trust and her affection.

 

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time. Set goals for yourself. Try new things. Socialize. Read. Immerse yourself in something that you enjoy doing, a hobby, your career, your job, whatever it is. Be the best you can be in whatever it is you're good at. That will make you feel great.

 

Eat and sleep well, too. I'm still trying to figure out the sleep part.