BWFMT Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 A rather confusing one (particularly for me), so I will get right to it. I have been seeing the most amazing (or so I thought) man for the last four months, ironically today would be four months to the day we met. We seem to be a perfect match, similar drive, similar goals and the same attitude towards relationships... Except we are not in a relationship. He very publicly denounced our relationship status twice in the last month. I have been introduced to friends of his, who have called me his 'boyfriend', and both times he has said 'he is not my boyfriend'. This obviously causes discomfort for everyone in the group at that time, and as his friend rightly pointed out last time he did this 'I don't have any friends I am THAT close to...' Not labelling our relationship is fine by me, in all honesty, but then last night on his birthday things got a little . . . odd. You would assume that the person you are seeing would want to spend their birthday night with the person they care the most about. He chose to go home with his housemate, leaving me to go home alone on the night bus. This has caused something of a ripple amongst my closest friends who are now saying he is emotionally manipulative, his trophy, but nothing more. I don't know what to think. Four months is a reasonable amount of time to expect something more meaningful, right?! To not be denounced as 'we are just friends' (his exact words, over dinner, in front of friends of his) But then, he becomes VERY jealous - we were at a club where a man brushed past me back in August; he went absolutely mental and literally chased after the guy. Am I just a toy, that he does not want to share?! He refers to me as his, but it seems to be in a more possessive than emotional way. My best friend is concerned that he is just stringing me along, and after further discussion realised I know NOTHING of his past relationships. I do not know who he was with, how long they were together.... before yesterday, I did not even know he had an ex until he announced that the ex had showed up at his work to give him a birthday present. What do I do . . . ? alarm bells are ringing, big time.
basil67 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I disagree with your best friend - he's not stringing you along. He's not even pretending that there is a relationship happening. Four months is reasonable to wait for a man who wants a relationship with you, but this guy doesn't want that. Just end it and move on. 2
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 He has said he is not in a relationship with you, his actions say the same, so he is NOT in a relationship with you. I assume you are sleeping with him though and that makes you a FB or at best a FWB. But then, he becomes VERY jealous - we were at a club where a man brushed past me back in August; he went absolutely mental and literally chased after the guy. Do not mix up jealousy with caring, it is a mistake many women make. Many men want the women they are seeing/sleeping with to be exclusive to them alone, it doesn't mean he cares for you, it only means he doesn't want you seeing other guys. He is not being abusive, he is being upfront here. If you are not happy, then you need to leave, as this man does NOT want a relationship with you and he will be still looking for/seeing other women. I guess his ex may be the reason he is not looking for anything serious with you, but he may just be a guy who doesn't want to get involved with anyone atm. Do not enter into this thinking you can change his mind, many women have made that mistake to their cost. 2
justavillagegirl Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 My advice would be to get out before you fall deeply for this man. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anybody else to have you either. Major red flag there. Find a guy who wants you as much as you want him. 1
Zahara Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Jealousy is about control. Don't confuse that for love/care. He's being very upfront with you through his actions. It would be time for you to accept it for what it is and move on. There is no genuine interest on his part. 1
Author BWFMT Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Jealousy is about control. Don't confuse that for love/care. He's being very upfront with you through his actions. It would be time for you to accept it for what it is and move on. There is no genuine interest on his part. But that is the thing, he only acts that way in certain situations; he tells me frequently how glad he is to have me in his life, how lucky he feels to have met me. . . it makes no sense whatsoever. I've met his parents, in their home country (at his request) Probably should have included this info in the initial post....
lilmissjava Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Have you even had that talk with him? What you want out of it? He has gone to great lengths to tell you (and others) what he wants from you and that you both are just friends. Perhaps he takes his time with getting to know you and is still feeling out whether you are relationship worthy. Perhaps he's had troublesome relationships previously and that has skewed his vision to jump into another one. It could be many things.. If you want to be in a relationship with him, and he does not, it won't require brain surgery to figure out that you should let this one go and move on to someone that will be your boyfriend. You say you don't mind no labels, but this post is contradictory to that.
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 But that is the thing, he only acts that way in certain situations; he tells me frequently how glad he is to have me in his life, how lucky he feels to have met me. . . it makes no sense whatsoever. I've met his parents, in their home country (at his request) Probably should have included this info in the initial post.... he tells me frequently how glad he is to have me in his life, how lucky he feels to have met me -- That all can be very true without him wanting to call it or be in a relationship. He may become jealous about other guys because he likes things the way they are and doesn't want to give that up right now (wants his cake and eat it to), anyway, but he doesn't want to commit himself. Anything less than, "you are my boyfriend" or "yes, this is my boyfriend Xname", just means he really likes you at least. I have lots of people I'm glad to have in my life and am lucky to have in my life, but we are not in a "relationship". We are friends but we are not intimate.
NopeNah Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I was the same as him at 4mo with the ex that brought me here. When we started dating I made it clear that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I'd get jealous when other guys would approach her at a bar/club,but I was also seeing other women. It wasn't until around month 5 that she and another one of my fwb crossed paths and called me on it. Although I wasn't technically cheating on either, I felt like sh*t! Around month 6 I committed to my ex and we were off/on for several years after. You need to make your wants/feelings clear to him and then go from there.
Zahara Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 But that is the thing, he only acts that way in certain situations; he tells me frequently how glad he is to have me in his life, how lucky he feels to have met me. . . it makes no sense whatsoever. I've met his parents, in their home country (at his request) Probably should have included this info in the initial post.... I've learned to focus on actions rather than words. There are times when people use words to keep you attached and to keep you there for whatever their reasons. If his actions aren't showing you genuine interest, then it would be best to pay attention to that rather than words. When it does not match, it is not reliable. And meeting parents, etc. -- doesn't mean much. I met my ex's parents, family gatherings, etc. but he was cheating on me. There are those out there that can go through the motions of what a relationships entails without actually being or wanting to be in one.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Am I in a psychologically abusive relationship? I don't believe you're in one at all. But, this guy is acting OFF. You need to end it with this guy who doesn't want to put a label on what you don't seem to have.
Author BWFMT Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 I've learned to focus on actions rather than words. There are times when people use words to keep you attached and to keep you there for whatever their reasons. If his actions aren't showing you genuine interest, then it would be best to pay attention to that rather than words. When it does not match, it is not reliable. And meeting parents, etc. -- doesn't mean much. I met my ex's parents, family gatherings, etc. but he was cheating on me. There are those out there that can go through the motions of what a relationships entails without actually being or wanting to be in one. Oh, I dunno - he's Greek, and meeting his parents was a big deal to him. (I was not allowed to meet his mother when she was in London 2 months into our 'not relationship'.) But yes, the actions are what I am paying attention to and they don't seem to be the right ones unfortunately. Either that or I am just being a bit over sensitive... I think I am going to have a word with him, sit him down and discuss where we are going with this, just to ascertain if we have the same end goal. Casually, over dinner... When he talks he does seem to have this picture of the future with me in it. I was doing some clearing out the other day, and found my old memory box, which prompted him to say 'I hope I never become just a memory' - at the time I thought it seemed quite sweet, but again... there is no real romantic connotation there. Just that he enjoys me being around.
Author BWFMT Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 I was the same as him at 4mo with the ex that brought me here. When we started dating I made it clear that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I'd get jealous when other guys would approach her at a bar/club,but I was also seeing other women. It wasn't until around month 5 that she and another one of my fwb crossed paths and called me on it. Although I wasn't technically cheating on either, I felt like sh*t! Around month 6 I committed to my ex and we were off/on for several years after. You need to make your wants/feelings clear to him and then go from there. If he was promiscuous it would make sense, and to be honest I would have an easier time understanding if he just wanted to mess around with other people. But based on the banter he has with his friends he is quite renowned amongst them for not being an overtly sexual person (which surprised me, as he is not like that with me) I have no qualms with being a FB or FWB... as long as I know that is what I am!
NopeNah Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) If he was promiscuous it would make sense, and to be honest I would have an easier time understanding if he just wanted to mess around with other people. But based on the banter he has with his friends he is quite renowned amongst them for not being an overtly sexual person (which surprised me, as he is not like that with me) I have no qualms with being a FB or FWB... as long as I know that is what I am! Neither was I. After my divorce I swore off women/dating to the point some of my newer friends had thoughts of "maybe he's gay?" I have a nice golf course home,multiple "nicer" cars,boats,ect.. They all thought "why is this guy not tearing through the women?"..The reason was: I didn't want too at that moment. I have never cheated on anyone,including my exw. That's why when I started dating my ex, I was also already seeing around 3-4 other women(all non exclusive).. I was ready too. My ex would even drive by my house late at night when I told her I had other plans, to see whos car was parked out front. guess I should of saw that red flag waving a mile away! Save Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
Author BWFMT Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Have you even had that talk with him? What you want out of it? He has gone to great lengths to tell you (and others) what he wants from you and that you both are just friends. Perhaps he takes his time with getting to know you and is still feeling out whether you are relationship worthy. Perhaps he's had troublesome relationships previously and that has skewed his vision to jump into another one. It could be many things.. If you want to be in a relationship with him, and he does not, it won't require brain surgery to figure out that you should let this one go and move on to someone that will be your boyfriend. You say you don't mind no labels, but this post is contradictory to that. I haven't had that talk, mostly because my last relationship was with someone who was so needy of my attention, and it was infuriating - and I most definitely do not want to do that to anyone! That said, a talk just to ascertain what we are and if we have a shared, common goal cannot be a bad thing. I know that he is not into needy and I do not want to come across as that in the slightest (and by and large, I am not... I am generally quite satisfied to be left alone for pretty extended periods!) I know nothing of his previous romantic life, and whilst I would be intrigued to know (as I say, I was very surprised when he said his ex had visited his work just yesterday) Often I feel we can learn a lot from our 'partners' previous relationships. I guess we need to sit down and have the talk... and then can work it out from there. I don't think it is so much the labelling of it, more a knowing what I can and cannot do; if he is just a FWB then I don't want to waste time being exclusive to him if he has no intentions of ever pursuing anything more than we have now.
amaysngrace Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I'd start seeing other guys if I were you. If he has a problem with that too bad. It's not like he's your boyfriend or anything.
basil67 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 BWFMT, you're doing a good job of trying to defend him. However, his public rejection of the two of you being in a relationship is indefensible. He clearly does not see himself in a relationship with you.
NopeNah Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I used to use the phrase "we're talking" when I was interested, a lot.
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