LOVE her...should I wait for her? How to cope?

[Phil1377]

A little over a year ago, I met the most amazing woman on Match.com. I had just gone through a (long overdue) divorce and was ready to date again and have a second chance at all I had been missing in my previous relationship. The woman I started dating was a perfect match in so many ways. We had many common interests, had lots of fun together, communicated well and intimacy was not a problem. She treated me better than anyone I've ever been with and I had everything I ever wanted in a girl and more. To top it off, she felt the same and referred to me as a blessing and her perfect match.

 

 

Things were very good with us for four months, although I had started going through a very rough time dealing with my ex wife, who suddenly wanted to move 200 miles away with our children. When I refused to give the okay, she made life hell for me, going as far as to not let me see my children unless it was in a public place. To make a long story short, we got lawyers and they ended that pretty quick, though I was very broken from the whole experience. My gf, who had been amazingly supportive the entire time (she was literally like an angel sent to guide me) was very frustrated with some decisions I had made, some of my moods and how I was feeling about myself. She had gone through divorce 10 years prior and saw in me some of what she went through.

She broke up with me because she knew I needed to work on myself before I was ready to move forward in a serious relationship and I needed to find my happiness. It may sound cold to some, but she was right! She told me I was a great guy but that I needed to see that for myself. I took everything very serious and I went to counseling once a week for a few months and really worked on my issues, some that followed me since childhood. I came out the other side happier than I have ever been and finally felt good about myself for the first time in my life! It was rough but it was a blessing.

Six months after we broke up, I started getting a few texts from her. I decided to lay it on the line and tell her I never lost my feelings for her, that I was in a great place and had been and I'd love to have a second chance.

We met for dinner, talked in detail about some of the concerns she had and I put her mind at ease. We started dating again and even both agreed that the break was not fun, but it was needed and worth it. She noticed and appreciated all the changes I had made. Things were very good at first, though she was starting to have some issues with her ex husband/father of her daughter. He had gotten a head injury the year before and was not the same person. They had always had a fairly healthy co parenting relationship and got along for the child's sake. Now he was starting to get very confrontational, difficult and nasty towards her. That also caused her to asses some issues she's had with bfs before me over the years (most cheated, one was abusive) and she started to think she was the problem.

Being the amazing woman she is, she started counseling to work on herself to deal with how she felt and to learn to deal with the ex better. I could tell it was taking a toll on her because she was not herself. She just seemed like things were very heavy on her mind. We were still doing great, but I could see the toll it all was taking on her. She was reliving some things in counseling that really hurt, even things from childhood with her parents. I was as supportive as I could be, I love her, but it wasn't enough.

She eventually found out her ex asked for a divorce from his current wife, whom he had two more children with. This was a serious issue because they shared custody 50/50 of their daughter, but he had not been working and would not have a home after the divorce. He was going to stay in a room at his sister's house, so my gf would be taking on much more responsibility with the daughter. On top of that, she was very worried the toll it would take on her 12 year old daughter, being that all she's ever seen around her is divorce. This really broke her.

I saw it coming because of how upset she was about the whole situation and stressed about what would happen and the well being of her daughter.

I knew she would not want to be bringing anyone into her life (even though I had been the first time we dated) until things got much better.

As expected, she said that just like I needed that time earlier in the year to get myself together, that now she needed it too. I understand as well as anyone how she must feel and that her daughter and her life come first. We broke up, again. She told me it had absolutely nothing to do with me, that I was amazing and treated her better than any bf she ever had. She's a very straight shooter and I did treat her great, so I believe that. She just felt like she was not capable of giving me what I deserve right now in the relationship and she didn't want to see it end badly, so we had to call it quits.

I love her with everything I am, I know she's not perfect at all, but perfect for me. I told her I wouldn't necessarily "wait" for her, but that my feelings didn't go away the 6 months we were apart, so I don't see them going away now either and I wasn't going anywhere. She told me I should not wait that I deserve to be happy and thanked me for how great I was to her and how much I've helped her.

It was devastating. I've honestly never had the feelings for anyone else that I have for her. Its been totally different with her. After 38 years I meet literally my dream woman and this is what happens. We had no issues between us and we loved each other. I feel breaking up was necessary so that things wouldn't get messy and so she could focus on doing what she needs to for her daughter. They may be going back to court for custody, etc. In my eyes and I think probably hers too, this helps us in the long run. That if she can get all of her stuff taken care of and if and when the dust settles down the road, maybe we'd finally have a fair shot.

I have no interest in dating, esp any time soon. It would not be fair for me to even try to go out with someone to try and get her off my mind. They would not have a fair shot because I still deeply love her. I have no problem waiting, though there are no guarantees. Am I crazy for waiting to see? I feel and people that know us well, who have had conversations with her about us, feel she will definitely be back once her life calms down.

My main issue right now is just dealing day to day. I miss her so much, but know we can't be together now. I try not to think about her but everything reminds me of her. I keep telling myself either we will find our way back to each other and finally have our shot at something amazing or we won't and we'll end up happy in a different situation. I tell myself all of this but I still agonize over what has happened.

[Ace of Pace]

Feeling for you. My suggestion to cope with the pain is to forget about her. It's not easy I know but you need to accept the fact that she may not come back. At all. Right now it's false hope. There are no guarantees. So you need to move on. If she comes back, great. But if she doesn't then all the better for you.

 

 

Stay busy. Focus on work. Live your life. Go out on a couple of dates even if they are not serious. For you.

[NopeNah]

I can somewhat relate because my recent breakup mainly revolved around ME needing to get myself worked out and some major stressors on me currently. Sure my ex has her issues that she needs to address as well and is "working on them".. This I doubt,because she sees no major issues in herself and will never accept that she needs to fix some major mental flaws..Anyways.. Neither of us are really waiting on the other(of course we miss each other,want it to work out in the future and all that). We're just going about life as if we will not be together anytime soon. I'm not actively trying to date and she says she's not but, who knows(She'd "back burner" me anyways and I know this). This is what has me accepting that I'm single now,as is she.

 

All we can do is live our own lives each day. If it happens,it happens..But, I would not put my life on hold for a "hope".

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not wait for her, no.

 

That's not necessarily because she won't ever come back, but because it's not a healthy mindset moving forward.

 

Within only a year, she's broken up with you twice. Whatever the reasoning behind it, this is still an indication you two were not on stable ground and she's not in any place to be in a relationship right now. It doesn't sound as though that's going to change any time in the near future, either.

 

She's also directly told you not to wait around. We women don't say that unless we really mean it. I think she knows she's probably not going to come back; not any time soon, anyway.

 

Any chance her ex has re-entered her life in a more personal way? Maybe asking her for another shot now that he's back on the market, so to speak?

[preraph]

She is a very practical minded woman. It sounds like she doesn't do well with any type of complications, which makes me think she is very compartmentalized, like when she has a big problem or there's something too complicated, she has to just stop and focus just on that and has nothing left over to keep a relationship going.

 

I am not getting that she is dumping you, but that you are a complication she can't deal with and she knows she would have a hard time meeting your needs with this going on.

 

Listen, I know what a head injury can do. My friend's husband was a charming unconventional long-haired guy back in the 70s and 80s who worked at Whole Foods and he was easygoing and liked her friends, though he didn't like to go out much. But nice guy. He got more than one head injury and they didn't even go to the doctor because she's medical-phobic and he wasn't wanting to go. It sounds like your friend's ex is degenerating the same way. Her husband slowly began degenerating, drinking and no telling what else, and just not coming home and finally ran off to California with some woman. Meanwhile, my friend was pregnant and had to raise her child without any help from him and was just bewildered what happened to her previously good man. She had no idea about head injuries and how they can change a personality. In fact, I'm who enlightened her decades later when I found out he was living basically homeless. He ended up back in her town and he just failed and failed until he died at his wreck of an apartment.

 

So I know what she is having to deal with a little. She needs to get custody from him at this point and only have supervised visitation because he isn't capable anymore. And yes, he was already a bit nasty during divorce, but now he could actually be dangerous.

 

I hope she has read up and talked to doctors about all this. If not, suggest that she does.

 

Give her all the space she needs, but if I were you I'd call her once a month and check in and see if she is going okay or needs any help with anything.

 

Good luck.

[staggerlee71]

I agree with preraph. I think it is possible for people to need to focus in one area of their life even though they love you. Once a month contact is a good idea. Just don't let it escalate into pursuing and texting way to often.

 

Focus on yourself, keep in LC and let her come to you

[Blanco]

You had "just gone" through a "long overdue" divorce. Just about any woman would've seemed perfect for you at that time. A lot of what you posted suggests she wasn't really Mrs. Right. She was Mrs Right Now.

[ohleahmarie]

This sounds very similar to what I'm going through. My boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago because he hasn't had time to heal and deal with his divorce. He says he needs to fix himself first. Honestly, I keep waiting for him to tell me to wait for him. But he won't tell me that--it's too selfish, he can't make any promises about the future, etc. I say just keep your head up. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That's what I'm trying to do, anyway. I'm like 75/25 about us getting back together (75% about him wanting me back) but god... how long can I wait? How long does this kind of thing take? 6 months is how long you waited the first time... I don't think I can do that. UGH sorry this is long and rambling. I just wanted you to know you're not alone... I am going through this too.