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Why is saying "I'm sorry" such a difficult thing to do?

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

If you have hurt or upset someone?

 

Seriously why? Why are those two words so hard for some people to say?

 

If they don't say "I'm sorry", but try to go on like normal, maybe even after some time apart, doesn't that mean that they don't really feel sorry or aren't really sorry?

 

I'd really like to know the psychology behind this.

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
If you have hurt or upset someone?

 

Seriously why? Why are those two words so hard for some people to say?

 

If they don't say "I'm sorry", but try to go on like normal, maybe even after some time apart, doesn't that mean that they don't really feel sorry or aren't really sorry?

 

I'd really like to know the psychology behind this.

 

Because they are weak. They can not have anyone believe that they are human and capable of making mistakes so they hide it or pass the buck or make excuses. They are also embarrassed by the fact that their mistake has shown them up to be less that perfect because they are too weak to accept themselves as human beings.

 

Strong people are perfectly capable of saying I have messed up, this is what I have done and I am sorry.

 

Get weak people like this out of your life. They are not worth it.

  • Like 3
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

^ Pretty much. Saying you're sorry is a public admission of guilt and it means you have to own all the implications of that. That's a tall order for ppl who are dishonest w themselves about who they really are and want to hang onto the narrative.

  • Like 3
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

Sometimes saying I'm sorry is not accepted or respected.

 

I think it's more important to BE sorry and correct the behavior. If it's a continuing relationship, do what it takes to make the situation right. If it's a past relationship, then do what it takes to make yourself better and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Simply saying the words doesn't fix anything. Nor does it make you strong.

  • Like 5
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Because they are weak. They can not have anyone believe that they are human and capable of making mistakes so they hide it or pass the buck or make excuses. They are also embarrassed by the fact that their mistake has shown them up to be less that perfect because they are too weak to accept themselves as human beings.

 

Strong people are perfectly capable of saying I have messed up, this is what I have done and I am sorry.

 

Get weak people like this out of your life. They are not worth it.

 

^ Pretty much. Saying you're sorry is a public admission of guilt and it means you have to own all the implications of that. That's a tall order for ppl who are dishonest w themselves about who they really are and want to hang onto the narrative.

 

I think I agree with you ladies. I just think that they're not really sorry.

 

 

Sometimes saying I'm sorry is not accepted or respected.

 

I think it's more important to BE sorry and correct the behavior. If it's a continuing relationship, do what it takes to make the situation right. If it's a past relationship, then do what it takes to make yourself better and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Simply saying the words doesn't fix anything. Nor does it make you strong.

 

Thank you for your male POV! I think maybe women need to hear the words too. I would definitely take note if someone corrected their behavior and never did it again (that would be great) but I just think that I have been duped way too many times into thinking that an 'action over words' type of situation was about to happen when really they wanted neither to apologize nor correct their behavior. They just wanted to forget the complaint and continue on with how they were before. So that's the downfall of not making the verbal acknowledgment.

Edited by Popsicle
  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted
I think I agree with you ladies. I just think that they're not really sorry.

 

Oh in that case its worse.

 

If they have behaved badly and refuse to say sorry then quite frankly they are just a nasty person and Pops honey... They are not worth one second of your concern or upset. It really is that simple.

  • Like 2
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

I don't have a problem with saying the words "I'm sorry" if it will help. I just don't think it should be confused with making amends.

 

Sometimes, I think we have a tendency to forgive upon hearing the words only to be disappointed again when the behavior doesn't change.

 

It's often better to believe what people do rather than what they say. If their words and their actions line up, then that's best. That's called congruence and shows real strength and character.

  • Like 4
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Posted
Oh in that case its worse.

 

If they have behaved badly and refuse to say sorry then quite frankly they are just a nasty person and Pops honey... They are not worth one second of your concern or upset. It really is that simple.

 

Thanks Toodles. I'm pretty sad about this because I realize it's a pattern in my life.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

IMO, when people won't say "sorry", the reasons are:

 

- They did whatever to you intentionally.

 

- They don't wanna show vulnerability.

 

-They're afraid that it will open them up to legal action.

 

- They're jerks.

 

Oh yea, sorry doesn't mean a thing. Actions that follow are key and "how" they say "sorry" is important too. Like if they say, 'I'm sorry YOU believe/feel like that', then yep, they aren't saying "sorry", they're putting it back on you.

  • Like 2
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted

I'm capable of a formal apology, but it depend who I offended, and or rather 'how'.

 

Mind you, I'd have loved to receive apologies from some people, considering how I've been treated sometimes, and never did. So I grew a thicker skin and learned that ''sorry'' is as much difficult to say as ''I love you''.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Posted
IMO, when people won't say "sorry", the reasons are:

 

- They did whatever to you intentionally.

 

- They don't wanna show vulnerability.

 

-They're afraid that it will open them up to legal action.

 

- They're jerks.

 

Oh yea, sorry doesn't mean a thing. Actions that follow are key and "how" they say "sorry" is important too. Like if they say, 'I'm sorry YOU believe/feel like that', then yep, they aren't saying "sorry", they're putting it back on you.

 

Exactly, Gloria.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Exactly, Gloria.

 

You know, without revealing details, I have and currently am in a situation of battles with people and yes, I'm asking myself the same thing as you...which is why not apologize and fix it. But no, they wanna be jerks...so, ok, it's on like Donkey Kong.

 

People dont realize how a sincere apology can go waaaay father than a battle, going court and being sued...but hey, again, there are just evil people out there :(

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Posted
You know, without revealing details, I have and currently am in a situation of battles with people and yes, I'm asking myself the same thing as you...which is why not apologize and fix it. But no, they wanna be jerks...so, ok, it's on like Donkey Kong.

 

People dont realize how a sincere apology can go waaaay father than a battle, going court and being sued...but hey, again, there are just evil people out there :(

 

Totally. What was about simple feelings at the start becomes about principal without the apology and/or fix.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

There are people who have to be right and can never admit fault. I grew up with one of them. Myself, I am very opinionated and smart to back it up, but I have NO problem saying "I'm sorry" and "Yeah, you're right. I was wrong about that." But realize this is not usually about a relationship, which is fraught with landmines, but more about facts or issues not quite so emotional.

  • Like 2
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'd rather deal with someone who refuses to apologise than someone who makes a false apology. Either way, I don't want either of them in my life....but at least with the one who refuses to aplogise, I know where they stand.

 

Anyway, my partner and I aren't big on 'sorry'. We have said it from time to time, but if there's an issue, both of us are far more likely to listen to the concern and simply change our approach for the future.

 

Truth be told, it's a word which is so open to misuse that it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

 

- When people feel they've done nothing wrong but say sorry to end a stalemate.

- When people say sorry but have no intention of changing their behaviour.

- False apologies such as "I'm sorry you feel that way"

- Kids being forced to apologise when they aren't at all sorry (I remember saying to one of my kids once in a fit of exasperation "I don't want to hear 'sorry'. I just want you to stop doing it!"

 

So yeah - I don't care about the apology. I just care about seeing a change in behaviour.

  • Like 4
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

On the topic of people who can't admit fault....I've advised posters to not apologise when their partner is putting totally unreasonable blame on them. Sure, I bet the partner of the poster believes they are owed an apology, but sometimes a person who believes they were wronged is being totally unreasonable.

 

Surely there are times when it's good to stand your ground and defend your own actions?

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I'd rather deal with someone who refuses to apologise than someone who makes a false apology. Either way, I don't want either of them in my life....but at least with the one who refuses to aplogise, I know where they stand.

 

Anyway, my partner and I aren't big on 'sorry'. We have said it from time to time, but if there's an issue, both of us are far more likely to listen to the concern and simply change our approach for the future.

 

Truth be told, it's a word which is so open to misuse that it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

 

- When people feel they've done nothing wrong but say sorry to end a stalemate.

- When people say sorry but have no intention of changing their behaviour.

- False apologies such as "I'm sorry you feel that way"

- Kids being forced to apologise when they aren't at all sorry (I remember saying to one of my kids once in a fit of exasperation "I don't want to hear 'sorry'. I just want you to stop doing it!"

 

So yeah - I don't care about the apology. I just care about seeing a change in behaviour.

 

I never say I'm sorry unless I really am. You won't hear those words from me if I'm not sorry, but if I'm not sorry and know that I've upset someone, I'm not going to act like everything is normal either.

 

That said, I hate when people say I'm sorry but keep doing the offensive thing. At that point, I don't want to hear I'm sorry anymore either. I probably won't want to be around them anymore.

Edited by Popsicle
  • Like 1
Otter2569 Established Member

Otter2569

Posted
Posted

A decent person who cares and wants to move forward will apologize.

 

My experience with not so genuine people is that they wont forgive you but rub your nose in it or want to make you feel like crap because you made a mistake. People make mistakes...that's part of life.

 

In a healthy relationship, you forgive each other and move forward.

  • Like 1
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
If you have hurt or upset someone?

 

Seriously why? Why are those two words so hard for some people to say?

 

If they don't say "I'm sorry", but try to go on like normal, maybe even after some time apart, doesn't that mean that they don't really feel sorry or aren't really sorry?

 

I'd really like to know the psychology behind this.

 

I think that when people don't or can't apologize, they aren't sorry. Sometimes they regret only the fallout, not their actions.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I'd rather deal with someone who refuses to apologise than someone who makes a false apology. Either way, I don't want either of them in my life....but at least with the one who refuses to aplogise, I know where they stand.

 

Anyway, my partner and I aren't big on 'sorry'. We have said it from time to time, but if there's an issue, both of us are far more likely to listen to the concern and simply change our approach for the future.

 

Truth be told, it's a word which is so open to misuse that it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

 

- When people feel they've done nothing wrong but say sorry to end a stalemate.

- When people say sorry but have no intention of changing their behaviour.

- False apologies such as "I'm sorry you feel that way"

- Kids being forced to apologise when they aren't at all sorry (I remember saying to one of my kids once in a fit of exasperation "I don't want to hear 'sorry'. I just want you to stop doing it!"

 

So yeah - I don't care about the apology. I just care about seeing a change in behaviour.

 

- When people feel they've done nothing wrong but say sorry to end a stalemate.

 

^Even when I know I have done nothing wrong, sometimes I will say "I'm sorry" for hurting their feelings, if they somehow misinterpreted what I did ..... or were nevertheless hurt by it.

 

It is a way to validate their feelings, not necessarily an admission of wrongdoing.

 

And I mean it too. I AM sorry for hurting their feelings, when it was not my intention to do so.

 

We often hurt others when not meaning to.... I know I do.

 

And have been hurt by what others have done too, without them meaning to.

 

A simple "I apologize if 'what I did' hurt you" goes a long way imho!

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
- When people feel they've done nothing wrong but say sorry to end a stalemate.

 

^Even when I know I have done nothing wrong, sometimes I will say "I'm sorry" for hurting their feelings, if they somehow misinterpreted what I did ..... or were nevertheless hurt by it.

 

It is a way to validate their feelings, not necessarily an admission of wrongdoing.

 

And I mean it too. I AM sorry for hurting their feelings, when it was not my intention to do so.

 

We often hurt others when not meaning to.... I know I do.

 

And have been hurt by what others have done too, without them meaning to.

 

And in this situation, I completely agree with you. Especially the way you use "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" as opposed to "I'm sorry you feel that way" which is a totally bogus apology.

 

When I talked about ending a stalemate, I was referring to when one person has clearly been wronged but apologises anyway because the partner refuses to budge. For example, if the partner doesn't come home and doesn't call but the other one ends up apologising for getting mad over it.

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