exoticdesi Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Hi Friends. I need your valuable insights from yr own experiences. We have been trying to recover from an affair my wife had. She is telling me it is over and she has NC with the OM, who incidentally leaves in our own town and chances of him bumping with her are very much. She said she wants to work things out between us for the sake of kids. Few of the things she said She sees no future with OM as he is married with kids. OM also does not want to break his family. She realized there is so much invested in our 12 years of marriage. At the same time she has also conveyed that she doesn't have any other choice left. She says she is sorry, it shouldn't have happened, and the A will remain as something beautiful to cherish on. DUH !! While the affari went on for a brief period of two months She felt rejuvinated, being loved, getting attention and also the few times they had sex was beautiful. But that is now past... She says she has found inner strenght not to being wayward in future. Religion also has helped her to realize her mistake. She says she feels commited to our marriage, but the desire and attraction towards me which had faded hasn't come back. so till then no hugging, kissing, or sex with me. The problem is I am not entirely convinced of her motives. She wants to function as normal, fogetting everything. Bury the whole damn episode and not to talk about it. Her theory is that our relationship is wounded, and by talking about the problems we are not letting the heals wound, but akin to scratching the wounds. She doesn't feel to see MC as that would mean she has to bring the past back and all the details which she says she sincerely wants to bury. I am all messed up thinking in all directions. Though I know there are no concrete answers to anything, I would like to know a) How can I ascertain she really means business ? Is there specific questions I can ask ...? Some behavior patterns to look for ...? b) The desire and attraction part which is missing, will it ever come back ? How long is too long of a wait ? c) How can it be successfully conveyed to her that it is important that for men physical needs are as important as emotional needs for women ? For some reason I feel that "if you can't kiss me, you probably don't love me"...She says that is not true. Who is right ? Please give your valuable inputs. Thanks
Debster Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I don't think your wife is being sincere. The bull about the kissing is her way of trying to keep herself for her MM. And probably her way of distancing herself from you. This is unacceptable. The fact that she still views the affair as something to cherish and has the nerve to tell you that IMO speaks volumes. If he would have left his wife, she would be with him. He didn't, so she decides to stay with you. You are the consolation prize. YOU DESERVE TO BE #1! I am not writing this to be cruel. I feel for you. Good luck.
lynnspies1 Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Debster you are good! I went through the same thing with my sack of crap husband. We are still together and it has been four months since I found out about the A. He is still on my list even though he is trying. Exotic... Good luck to you. She has to show you that she wants this and so far I don't think you are seeing it.
Bryanp Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Hello, The fact that she sees the affair as something beautiful indicates that it will probably start up in the future and or may start up again with someone else. It is absolutely essential that: 1) You contact the OM's spouse immediately and inform her of the affair. She has a right to know and will make future contact much more difficult. If you do not do this then the message you are giving is that is was all right and nobody needs to know which is false. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know? 2) Immediately have her be tested for STD's. It is critical. There is an old saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would accept the view that it was beautiful that you had a sexual affair with a married woman? It sounds like your wife is really playing you. You need to be proactive and stop being a doormat. Her attitude toward the affair and your marriage is totally humiliating and disrespectful to you. Again contact the other spouse and expose the affair which is critical and have her tested for STD's. If you do not do this then the message you are giving is that it was not so bad and she has a free pass. My guess is that it may resume in the future if you do not take the needed steps of exposure. I wish you luck.
fleafly Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 You spoke of something that really hits home with me. One of my fears of reconciling with my wife is, how many times will she go back and remember all of the times that she had with Om. You cannot compete with this, as having an affair is basically a wonderland, void of any discontent as both would go their seperate ways at the end of the day, the reality of raising a family and all the stresses that go with it. That said, your wife needs to come to this realization, How long did the affair last? Sk her how many disagreements or arguments did they have. Ill bet you none. I also agree with the statement of the Om's wife knowing about this, its only fair that she has the right to be involved in the decision as far as where her marriage is, some dont agree with this. As devastating as something like this is, I would rather know, to be honest. Lastly, get into counseling. Its important to find someone that has experience with this kind of thing, dont be afraid to ask specifically. Also Mc is really a means of doigging up the past, its a means of figuring out how you got there( sheez it took me 5 months to figure that out, save you both the trouble!). Good luck friend. flea
WoodenHorsey Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 I think she may be telling the truth about being sorry and wanting to work things out, and also about not wanting to be with the OM anymore. But...unless you talk about it, especially in marriage counseling, then you will never deal with WHY she did it to begin with. Actually she really needs to do her own separate therapy to deal with the reasons she felt like cheating to begin with, and if she doesn't deal with that she might do it again. She hurt you very badly and she needs to do whatever YOU want to do to get trust back.
westernxer Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 Your wife doesn't mind messing up as long as she doesn't have to face the consequences... Meanwhile, she doesn't care that you suffer. Until she feels like sh*t, there's no future for you or your marriage. Grief is an essential ingredient in the healing process. She's trying to run from it... Get some joint counseling. It'll help you understand where she's coming from and vice-versa, not that her affair was justified by any means. Right now she's acting selfish.
Author exoticdesi Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 thanks for your input guys. Bryanp, I had already informed OM's wife about the A. They are also in emotional turmoil, and are trying to save thier M. OM has in plain and simple word told my W in front of everybody that he has nothing to do with her, and she should forget the whole damn thing and she should work on saving the M. (I don't know if he has told her anything different behind my back...) Webster, the reason she gave for the A was that she wasn't getting enough attention from me, and that she fell for someone who gave her attention. I was overworked, stressed and as in any other Marriage after 12 years, we used to have small big arguments. In other words, WE took each other for granted. WE is important, it was not just me who took her for granted. But that is not a good reason to be having Affairs. Does that mean that every time we have arguments and fight she will be going out looking for love and sympathy from other people ? Bull ****. Anyway, last week she told me that she has realized what a big mistake she did and she got lured by the sweet talks/sales pitch of OM (OM is a big time salesman). That said and done, she is back to routine handling everything as normal. I asked her If she loves me. She said "Yes, I do". But still no kissing, sex etc. I am afraid to ask her "are you still attracted to me", because I know her answer would be "no". How do I continue like this ? The other problem is even if she is feeling remorse, she is not showing it. She has a very arrogant attitude from the very beginning. She would hardly say she is sorry.. So the problem is still the same. i cannot ascertain if she is honest and means business. It is like kids. I want to teach her a lesson, but how ? I mean, I can hit her with divorce and make her realize what she gonna loose, but is that the correct and only way left ? Someone suggested that even though I should not get a divorce, I should pretend to be moving in that direction. Or get yourself another girl. Knowing her as "divorce me if you want" kind of attitude, is there a chance of backfiring ? I don't know if it would make matters good or bad. Atleast we have stopped arguing, we try to be happy and most importantly our kids are happy. I want the marriage to succeed not only for the sake of our two beautiful kids, but for ourselves also. But at the same time, I don't want to be the person whom she takes for granted.
Bryanp Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Hello again, I think it is very clear from your last post what the problem really is: She simply does not get it! The lack of remorse, the lack of intimacy, not caring whether you get a divorce etc. is very disturbing. Remorse, understanding, empathy, and reaching out to you to rebuild the marriage is the key. Your message indicates that she shows none of this. Sweeping this under the rug and treating you poorly is not going to work. It takes two to rebuild the marriage. It looks like only you truly care about seriously rebuilding your marriage and intimacy. I wish you luck.
Recommended Posts