How important is conversation and having stuff to talk about in relationships?

[GravityMan]

If there's no conversation...then there's no relationship.

 

It's a mandatory ingredient. It's a fundamental building block.

 

Without it, progressing past the first date (or even getting TO the dating phase at all) is very unlikely to happen for me.

 

And yes, the conversation should ideally flow well. But if it doesn't in the early stages, I may be forgiving of that depending on why it doesn't. For example, perhaps she's just a little nervous (or maybe I'm a bit nervous) and needs time to ease up. But if communication is just not working well due to large gulfs in values, interests, etc...then we're probably not compatible.

 

Well-matched couples tend to "click" well together in a multitude of ways. Flowing conversation and effortless banter is a strong sign that the two people mesh well, at least socially. In addition, if their periods of silence feel natural and comfortable instead of awkward, then that's even better.

 

Whether the conversations are intellectual or scientific or flirty or deep or superficial is a matter of each person's personal taste to an extent. The ease and comfort of talking to each other about all sorts of stuff (both serious and humorous) is far more essential to me.

[Mumbles]

Most of the posts in this thread are saying, emphatically, that the long deep and flowing conversation is a must-have.

 

I'm no longer convinced. A decade ago or so I would have enthusiastically agreed, but now, I'm not at all sure this is a true deal breaker - at least not for me.

 

Certainly we each have our own list of important things that broadly will go along with our personalities. However the dichotomy for me is that although I am indeed that deep thinking guy who loves long conversations that explore the inner workings of the universe, I've never been able to maintain a lasting relationship, in a couples sense, with a woman who is also like this.

 

My real life examples are my first wife, who was exactly like this, and we had a wonderful intellectual life together. I've also had an FWB who was like this, but, once things got physical, we couldn't sustain - though the mental aspects never subsided.

 

With my current wife, there is no real meeting of the minds insofar as deep, long, philosophical matters go. she is not intellectually less than me, nor I her, but we have very different cultural backgrounds and our deep thought interests are likewise extremely different. A lot of what she has to say is not that interesting to me, and likewise me to her.

 

Our long conversations tend to be real-world stuff and we never ever, not even once, find ourselves whiling away the evening over a glass of chardonnay pondering the basic truths of the universe.

 

I could go on and on here, as is my usual want (hehe), but my point is that I think you can have platonic friends for this type of thing, it doesn't necessarily -have- to be your life partner.

 

The OP spoke earlier of 'love language' and I think this is probably the most important aspect of a lasting relationship. So long as you both can meet in middle ground with your love-language then life together can be very rewarding.

[BluEyeL]

Like I said, I think this is a question that is very difficult to generalize on and it really is up to how the couple clicks.

 

I have a Ph.D. in Engineering and I only read non-fiction books (for example The Power of Habit--books like that), much much much less non-fiction. Thus, I can't talk about non-fiction books much. I also don't enjoy reading about art for example, and I'm not cultured in many areas. I dated some guy who was handsome and a doctor and every date seemed like a ****ing test to me. He was asking me about painters and if not, he was asking me deep biology questions, he was texting me questions about spine effing stenosis and I had to do literature research before going on a date with him. I was doing much better with the stenosis than with the paintings though.

 

That's exhausting!!! So clearly I wasn't a match for that guy, as much as I would have loved to show him around.

 

But with my friends, who are academics, we like to debate things such as the causes of burn out in academia, how graduate students react and behave in response to your advising style, how to motivate people etc etc etc. Pretty much I like to talk shop. My ex was in the same field and we talked shop a lot.

 

My current is not an academic, but we do talk shop also. I feel it flows but not at the same extent as it was with my ex, simply because we work in slightly different field. Because he works in a technical field as well and manages people we can have common ground though. But he is less inclined to discuss the inner workings of psychology. He won't discuss politics (because I get angry and start yelling and flailing my hands around lol).

 

I feel I'm compatible with him, much more than with the doctor.

 

So it's YOU, what you need. If you feel something is missing, then it is missing. It's hard to generalize "do you need X for a relationship to work?". No you don't, in general, but you may need that in your particular case.

[Popsicle]

I've had a couple of male friends who I could talk to, but they were never my boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend who I could talk to, but I would sooo love that.

[BaileyB]

I agree. Without good conversation, there is no relationship.

 

I met my current boyfriend at of all things, a speed dating event. I knew in those first 8 minutes that we had much in common, that he made me laugh, and conversation flowed easily. It was so obvious, especially compared to the other men, that this was different. Within the next few dates, conversation continued to flow easily as we got to know each other more. We can talk about anything and everything. I find him interesting with the things that he knows and curious to learn other things. He is kind in the way he teases me and plays with me, and he makes me laugh. The sex is good - I knew within a very short time that this was a great relationship and that it was different than anyone else I had dated. After just a few months, it felt like I had found my best friend. I had much the same feeling when I met my actual best friend. It just feels easy - and a shared intelligence and sense of humor which makes for easy conversation is a big part of it.

 

When you find it, you will know. If you don't have it after a few months, I don't think that that will change. Personalities and communication styles don't change much as we get older. It should not feel hard to talk to your partner. At least for me, those relationships were not enough. And, I'm so glad that I waited because I feel like I've found someone now who just makes me smile and want to be in his company every day...

Edited October 8, 2016 by BaileyB