How important is conversation and having stuff to talk about in relationships?

[Hopeful30]

Though the man I'm currently seeing is interesting and has much to tell, our conversations don't really flow. With some people, you can talk for hours and don't even realize how time passes. With him, it's an effort. We just don't flow when it comes to talking.

 

How important is ease of conversational flow? It's not causing any problems or anything, our communication is more 'acts of service' based (that's our love language).

 

Can a relationship be strong and bonding if conversation is stagnant? I don't mean communication. You can communicate without having a conversation.

[Sunkissedpatio]

That's entirely up to you and what fulfills you.

 

I couldn't do it, I've tried it and craved the intellectual stimulation too much.

[Bialy]

I don't care how attractive a guy is - if conversations feel forced and unnatural, I'm not interested.

[Hopeful30]

^^ All fair.

 

Now a side question: would you sacrifice your love for intellectual conversation if it was one of the very few qualities that were lacking in an otherwise great man that you saw potential in?

 

Or is it one of those things that gives you the most insight into a man, anyway?

Edited October 7, 2016 by Hopeful30

[thecrucible]

For me, I find it hard to be even friends with someone if the conversation doesn't satisfy me. In the absence of an intellectual connection or shared interests, I want to at least have a strong emotional bond with a friend. For a partner, the intellectual element or more important than I had ever though. I dated a man a few years ago and on paper we had the same interest in history and both of us have degrees in the subject. I'm a big history geek but by no means do I pretend to know everything. However I found that he didn't like me talking about my interest with him at all and got annoyed. So I'd say that conversation is really important to bonding and feeling like you are really connecting. I really couldn't do without it.

 

So with your situation, it just depends on your personal needs. Would it feel like something was missing without the conversation? Would you feel lonely without it? I know that in my case I would which explains my answer.

[Bialy]

It would depend. I love long, meandering conversations with the people closest to me -- parents, close friends -- and definitely a partner.

 

I would make an exception if a man had the other qualities I look for - honest, dependable, funny, loving, passionate.

 

I do love when I share similar interests with someone, though.

[Hopeful30]

Would it feel like something was missing without the conversation? Would you feel lonely without it? .

 

Great conversation would definitely spice things up and increase my attraction for him, but not having it just demonstrates the kind of person he is. I don't really see this as an issue. It makes a man more attractive, but the lack thereof doesn't make him LESS attractive.

[RecentChange]

I don't think I could fall in love with someone who I couldn't comfortably hold intelligent conversations with.

 

Now, I have stayed guys that I could talk to for hours, but other areas were lacking so it was a no go.

 

But my husband is my best friend - I need to be able to effortlessly hold conversations with my best friend.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Great conversation would definitely spice things up and increase my attraction for him, but not having it just demonstrates the kind of person he is. I don't really see this as an issue. It makes a man more attractive, but the lack thereof doesn't make him LESS attractive.

 

Ok, well, you've answered your own question then.

 

It makes a man more attractive, but the lack thereof doesn't make him LESS attractive.

 

That's confusing, if having great conversation makes him more attractive how could the lack there of NOT make him less attractive?!?

Edited October 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Hopeful30]

That's confusing, if having great conversation makes him more attractive how could the lack there of NOT make him less attractive?!?

 

I already like him without the conversation. Adding it would simply add to the attraction that already exists.

 

It's a turn on, not a turn off, in other words.

[lana-banana]

It's huge.

 

I used to date a guy who was very book smart but had zero intellectual curiosity. He already had his opinions and wasn't interested in exploring new ideas. He even told me "I feel like you operate on a different level and the most I can do is try to entertain you, becaise I can't keep up and a lot of what you say doesn't really interest me." How was that not a cue to break up?!? I ignored it and tried to talk myself into almost five more months of being with him.

 

Love is all about long conversations and thoughtful discussions. If he doesn't stimulate you intellectually you need to cut him loose. Trust me.

[Els]

It's of paramount importance to me. In fact, it's probably on the top of my priority list after the obvious stuff - not a convict, not an abuser, etc.

 

It's not just about the initial attraction, either. My guy and I had a date yesterday where we did just that - sit and talk for hours. We've been together for several years and have been through ups and downs together, and yet, whenever we do that, it feels like the first time all over again . While obviously there are other factors and personality traits at play, this - the enjoyable conversations we have, how we 'get' each other in that way - is a big part of the reason why it has always felt worth it to weather the storms together. I don't think I could ever make an exception for that - while it might work in the short term while the going is good, I could never stay with a person through thick and thin if I didn't know that we would have this.

 

If you feel differently about it though, that's your prerogative.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I already like him without the conversation. Adding it would simply add to the attraction that already exists.

 

 

Ok but see, when we fall in love hard we are not thinking "if they had x, y and z" they would be that much more attractive to me. We are feeling like it can't get better than this.

 

So it it really is up to you if you could see yourself like this for the long haul, with the level of communication as it is. It doesn't have to be an issue, ever, if you feel satisfied with the level of conversation he can offer you. The fact you are asking about it seems like it would be an issue for you.

[Hopeful30]

Love is all about long conversations and thoughtful discussions. If he doesn't stimulate you intellectually you need to cut him loose. Trust me.

 

I appreciate your advice. I've been in relationships where the conversation just couldn't get any better. Just when you thought you've talked about it all, there is something new to explore!

 

The problem is that finding this is very difficult, and in the few cases that I have, it was with men that lacked the more important qualities that I look for in a partner. Now that I've found a man with these important qualities, he seems to be missing the intellectual component.

 

You can't have it all...

Edited October 7, 2016 by Hopeful30

[xxoo]

Conversation is a HUGE part of intimacy for me. It's necessary for me.

[SwordofFlame]

Love is all about long conversations and thoughtful discussions.

 

I don't know if this is a man/woman thing. But I think someone who doesn't mind those awkward silences is a pretty big plus for me.

[xxoo]

I don't know if this is a man/woman thing. But I think someone who doesn't mind those awkward silences is a pretty big plus for me.

 

I agree that it's also important to be able to sit comfortably together in the silence. But not awkward silence.

 

My H describes that as "home". We don't even need to talk, but he just feels peace being near me.

 

Still, we are each other's #1 person to talk to about, well, everything!

[Hopeful30]

I suppose it all comes down to how we choose our men.

 

If a woman's priority is intellectual connection, then this component will be absolutely necessary. But what if her priority is a good family man? She is likely to overlook the intellectual component for qualities of a good father, supportive husband, etc.

 

I want the intellectual conversation, but I also don't want to sacrifice a good guy in search of it.

 

Is it reasonable to sacrifice one or two awesome qualities for an overall good partner? Is this what people mean by settling?

 

Or must we sacrifice the overall good partner for the sake of one or two awesome qualities?

 

Alas! That is the question.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Hopeful30

[xxoo]

 

Again I ask, is it realistic to have it all? Is this what people mean by settling? We just accept that there are some things we may never have in a partner?

 

Settling is being with someone you aren't thrilled about. When you're wildly in love, you glaze over the negatives. They come to the fore later, trust and believe. But in those first months/years, the love hormones sort of blur all the negatives.

 

For instance, if the conversation is crap, but the sex is A-MAZ-ING and the chemistry is strong in others ways, probably a relationship can be very satisfying without the deep conversations. But later, it's going to be an issue. Something is going to be an issue, regardless. If the communication is functional, the issue is surmountable.

 

The fact that you are asking this question tells me that you are probably settling.

[Hopeful30]

Settling is being with someone you aren't thrilled about.

 

I'm not sure if that's true. I've never felt 'thrilled' to be with anyone even though they were good men and I wanted to be with them. It was more contentment and inner peace, not so much excitement.

 

I suppose it could also be a good thing, because I skip the 'initial excitement' and 'honeymoon' phase. There is no dying down of anything and I can sooner evaluate a relationship with an objective approach.

 

I don't think falling in love is necessary to a successful relationship, which is why I'm questioning whether or not intellectual stimulation is neccesary. Think about it, when you start or maintain a relationship based on a more objective approach, do the odds of it lasting not increase?

 

If you choose a partner based on shared core values, compatibility and overall how you 'fit', isn't that a stronger foundation than how much stimulation they can give you in a certain area? Is stimulation a necessary component for strong relationship foundations? Or could it be something else?

 

ALSO, can stimulation be developed? It's kind of like sex, takes some time to get to know each other and what works, what doesn't etc. Maybe it's all part of relationship maintenance, and you improve certain areas as you go along...

Edited October 7, 2016 by Hopeful30

[Sunkissedpatio]

I kind of like your last post and approach to relationships Hopeful, we spend so much bloody time trying to re-create or sustain the honeymoon phase sometimes later in the relationship that it can become the demise of the relationship. Perhaps that might be a new approach to consider.

 

Food for thought...

 

ALSO, can stimulation be developed? It's kind of like sex, takes some time to get to know each other and what works, what doesn't etc. Maybe it's all part of relationship maintenance, and you improve certain areas as you go along...

 

I do believe we adapt to habitual norms, because once something becomes habit that does become the new norm. It's a matter of wanting that drastic of a change initially.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[leogirl876]

I couldn't. I'd get bored easily, and for me, if we can't have good conversation, it's most likely a big sign that we don't have chemistry. And chemistry is super important to me with developing a relationship, and that goes for all relationships, lovers and platonic friendships.

[Els]

I'm not sure if that's true. I've never felt 'thrilled' to be with anyone even though they were good men and I wanted to be with them. It was more contentment and inner peace, not so much excitement.

 

I suppose it could also be a good thing, because I skip the 'initial excitement' and 'honeymoon' phase. There is no dying down of anything and I can sooner evaluate a relationship with an objective approach.

 

I don't think falling in love is necessary to a successful relationship, which is why I'm questioning whether or not intellectual stimulation is neccesary. Think about it, when you start or maintain a relationship based on a more objective approach, do the odds of it lasting not increase?

 

If you choose a partner based on shared core values, compatibility and overall how you 'fit', isn't that a stronger foundation than how much stimulation they can give you in a certain area? Is stimulation a necessary component for strong relationship foundations? Or could it be something else?

 

I guess the bolded is really the crux of your question, not so much the intellectual stimulation.

 

Personally, my belief is that you need both attraction AND objective measures. If you want to be in a marriage of convenience, where you each are with each other just for the 'practical' perks of having a mate, then yes you only need the 'objective measures'. But it's something that you really need to be honest with your partner about. If he loves you and thinks that you love him, when really all you want is a 'decent partner', is it fair to him to remain in that delusion?

 

Also, imagine this scenario - you marry an 'objectively good' man, go on and buy a house with him, have children etc. Then... you meet someone whom you DO experience all those feelings with, that you have never experienced with your partner. What do you do?

 

I know I can never be with someone I don't love, because I know that in that situation I will fall apart completely. On the other hand, when I love someone, I am blind to other people. I can't just fall in love with someone else, because that spot is already taken.

[hestheone66]

It depends on if it bothers you..not others. You mention that you are both "acts of service" types..

My bf and I took many years before conversation flowed.. we communicate non verbally or via texting .. he's shy and does not enjoy talking. He's very intelligent but I think it takes him a while to verbalise his thoughts and needs to feel safe that I allow him that time to process responses, he will clam up if he feels he is not really being heard

On the other hand he really listens to everything I say and never forgets anything. He spends a lot of time gazing at me lovingly.. we spend a lot of time (several hours a day just naked and communicating through touch -sexual and non sexual)

[BaileyB]

Conversation is a huge part of intimacy for me too. I wouldn't date someone with whom I did not have easy, interesting conversation.

 

A sense of humor is also extremely important and contributes very much to the attraction I feel for a man.