katielee Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 haven't had any major blowouts in a while. He's been very considerate. I think I am as well. We do many things together, are best friends, can talk about a lot, as long as we don't go "there." I wish we could but what else is there to talk about. I still think about it WAY too much. He is a very considerate and good husband. I have no idea what goes on in his life all day (other than what he tells me) and I guess I just don't worry about it. My life is worth more than worrying. But full trust eludes me. We both still have nightmares. I wish I was happier. I don't believe it has anything to do with him but more me and putting things in perspective. Some days I can't believe we survived all this. 3
merrmeade Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 haven't had any major blowouts in a while. He's been very considerate. I think I am as well. We do many things together, are best friends, can talk about a lot, as long as we don't go "there." I wish we could but what else is there to talk about. I still think about it WAY too much. He is a very considerate and good husband. I have no idea what goes on in his life all day (other than what he tells me) and I guess I just don't worry about it. My life is worth more than worrying. But full trust eludes me. We both still have nightmares. I wish I was happier. I don't believe it has anything to do with him but more me and putting things in perspective. Some days I can't believe we survived all this. I think about it every single day, and I deal with it by posting on LS. Most threads have some element that's a common denominator but not always by any means. It still helps. I think you have a lot more positives than negatives in your State of the Union update. As far as being happier goes, I think there just is a lid on how happy we can be after suffering infidelity. So many scars. Happiness occurs where there's no stress, no dissatisfaction, no feelings of loss. When I look at that fact, I realize that the only way to ever create that freedom from worry and pain is to be free of all triggers. When you're reconciling, your spouse is your daily trigger, and unless they are Mrs. JA, they just don't have interest in being that perfect. Anyway, I think you have a lot of poistives and you probably nailed it that, if you worked on yourself, you'd begin to gain that freedom that allows for real happiness. 2
Noirek Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 I am glad you are mostly doing well. In this messed up life I think that is good. I am sorry about the elephant in the room. That must be hard. As to trust. What is fully trust to you? Do you mean blind trust? I've never agreed with blind trust. Blind trust is what people have when they miss all the warning signs of things such as child abuse or infidelity or criminal activity. It is when they believe so much in the other person they forget they are human and fallable. Blindly trusting someone is never ever good. But if you just mean you don't fully trust he will never cheat again, I think that is normal isn't it? And as sad as it is you probably would feel that way with anyone. I know I am not so confident to say "my husband would never cheat on me." But I would never have said that. Because he is human and we plan to have a long life together and I don't know what he is going to choose. I know I once said I would never cheat and meant it with all my heart. And I cheated and broke my word to myself. But that doesn't mean I don't trust him. But does it mean I don't fully trust him? 2
dichotomy Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 Sounds ok and normal - not sure if those are the right words. Full trust is never coming back normal. There is a new normal after an affair I am glad you understand to focus on you and your mindset for some peace and happiness. I wonder what are his nightmares about ?
Author katielee Posted October 7, 2016 Author Posted October 7, 2016 I wonder what are his nightmares about ? we both have the same ones - our spouses behaving inappropriately and we have to make the decision to leave. it's just sad - because we both had blind trust before, and maybe we shouldn't have, but that feeling was good.
merrmeade Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 we both have the same ones - our spouses behaving inappropriately and we have to make the decision to leave. it's just sad - because we both had blind trust before, and maybe we shouldn't have, but that feeling was good. yes, in a way, and I recognize how different your situation was, but, hey, I wouldn't want to be that naive (stupid) enabling little girl I was for SO-O-O many years for anything in the world, thank you very much. Even "that feeling" I don't think could be the same as what great marriages share. Not that I can tell you what it is exactly. I used to feel bad because I just knew we didn't have it but have finally reconciled myself with making better what I got. No lecture there because 'what you got' sounds pretty fine to me.
afoolto no end Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I feel the same way as you, we are good but it's like something else is always there with us, I feel the sadness of that as well, so does my WH. I look at that in the same way I look at the loss of a loved one I miss very much, it's always there....something I have to learn to live with, I just try to concentrate on all the happy moments....... if you take the time and really focus and connect with those moments between the two of you life with your husband will be much better..........keep it simple........ My relationships including my marriage only are a part of my life and my happiness...........I am the biggest part and doing what makes me happy is key.... I have learned to that more and more.......... It isn't about my marriage 24/7 seven anymore, I enjoy the time with my husband but it no longer is something I need to be okay anymore, With any grief, accepting what is, is the final step.......
Author katielee Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 I must add - even though I'm not entirely happy, I do feel that I'm incredibly lucky! I have a very good life.
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