Pursuer/Avoider Relationship

[SpringAngel83]

Romantic bonds are very different. Things start out exciting and I seem (and feel) all in, but then I can't sustain it. I start hiding away bits of myself just for myself. It's almost like I am a rebellious teenager and the partner is my neurotic and overbearing mom.

 

Curious. My boyfriend's mom is both neurotic and overbearing... could that be where this stems from?

[dreamingoftigers]

I would likely be categorized as the avoidant person in most of my relationships. While most attachment studies focus on the anxiety of the pursuer, a lot less attention is given to the anxiety of the distancer. Being close to people makes me anxious -- because I have a hard time maintaining boundaries and I don't want to be overtaken by another person but also because I never want to really need a person who then goes away.

 

For the distancer, it is an overwhelming, icky, and sad feeling to be made aware of how much someone loves, wants, and does for you -- while you feel like something is wrong with you (or you are not a good person) for not having the same energy or enthusiasm for them and the relationship.

 

Also, although it is ungenerous and unfair, the pursuer begins to feel like an entitled and manipulative person because the pursuer never seems to relinquish what they want, which is more of you. Eventually, distancers start to have negative opinions about the pursuer. Pursuers seem like score-keepers, and dealing with them goes from being annoying to being unbearable. Everything starts to feel like they have an agenda to get you -- whether you want to be gotten that fully by them or not. It is a relief when it's all over -- even if you feel bad or think you will miss them.

 

I think both the pursuer and the distancer are ill prepared for a mature relationship -- and have personal healing to do on their own.

 

Thank you. This means sense to me.

[katiegrl]

I can totally relate to this. My boyfriend would be gone out of town all week for work and I wouldn't hear a thing from him. Then when he got home he'd nonchalantly say hey babe when he saw me but not even give me eye contact our hug me. I'd get mad like why don't you care that we haven't seen or talked to each other in a week?! Don't you want to reconnect?!!

 

That's just him. Also he's getting a promotion at work where he's going to be traveling 75% of the time. Now that I understand this attachment theory thing I know we wouldn't be able to keep the communication alive that I would need to feel comfortable with this. I'd feel even less connected. It'll probably be great for him as a single man.

 

SA, there is another way of looking at this.

 

He never disconnected from you (emotionally) while he was gone, therefore felt no need to reconnect when he returned.

 

You felt disconnected because we as women need (for the most part) to communicate and interact to maintain the connection.

 

When that goes missing, we feel disconnected.

 

I have learned that many men don't need that.

 

They don't need to constantly communicate and interact to maintain their connection to us.

 

They can go a week or even longer without communicating with us and STILL feel emotionally connected.

 

I don't think that necessarily means he has an avoidant attachment style or is a commitment phobe.

 

His needs are different from yours, that's all.

 

Just another perspective tis all.

 

We all have different needs and what's important is to understand what our respective needs are and attempt to compromise and meet each other's needs in such way that is comfortable for us and leads to a happy harmonious relationship for both of us.

Edited October 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[joyful]

Curious. My boyfriend's mom is both neurotic and overbearing... could that be where this stems from?

 

H*LL YES!!!

 

I think my mother is borderline (tantrums, guilt-tripping, attention-seeking, etc. my whole life), and I am sure that is why I am the way I am. Her feelings always came/come first, and I had a lot of responsibility for my younger siblings when I was growing up because she was always such an emotional mess.

[TooRational]

Is a relationship between two avoidants possible? Books seem to say no but it seems like it would work for them. They would both want space and alone time, not too much pressure on the relationship, relatively low commitment, independence, etc.

 

I'm asking partly because from what I understand, my ex previous LTR (10 years, married) was with another avoidant. They both did several activities separately during the week. He was not very caring and was not very aware of her emotional needs. I don't have much details but it looks like avoidant-avoidant. He actually left her when her emotional needs became strong. She became a little depressed from the failure to get pregnant a 2nd time. He couldn't handle that.

 

When we were together, she said that she was not used to have someone care so much about her and her needs. She said she liked it but I think that she became uncomfortable with it. She's a very independent and strong person that doesn't want to depend on anyone. I think that she saw it is as a weakness to rely on someone to fulfill her emotional needs.

[SpringAngel83]

H*LL YES!!!

 

I think my mother is borderline (tantrums, guilt-tripping, attention-seeking, etc. my whole life), and I am sure that is why I am the way I am. Her feelings always came/come first, and I had a lot of responsibility for my younger siblings when I was growing up because she was always such an emotional mess.

 

Damn. Just doesn't seem fair.

[SpringAngel83]

I had a feeling it stemmed from his relationship with his mother.

[joyful]

I had a feeling it stemmed from his relationship with his mother.

 

Well, I think that, whenever someone runs away from ordinary intimacy and relationship security, it is because they have suffered severe crossing of their emotional boundaries at some point.

 

I don't think this lets your BF off the hook, though. And I don't think you should settle for a pursuer/distancer relationship with him.

[katiegrl]

SA, when did you start noticing his avoidanance and detachment?

 

What were the first three years of your RL like?

 

I thought you said they were pretty awesome, so is this something new and recent (like within the last six months)?

 

Or since you bought the house, or started pushing to get married?

 

I do know often times commitment/avoidance issues can pop up at any time during a RL, even when they were not present earlier, when, let's say a major event has occurred like buying the house.

 

Or marriage is being discussed/planned.

 

Those events will trigger the fear so they find ways to distance themselves and "avoid."

[joyful]

But I think it important to understand that avoidance is a stress response. And anxious partners (and possibly all partners) make avoiders feel smothered, harassed, invaded, manipulated, micromanaged, depleted in their attempts to get their needs met -- by a person who either doesn't want or doesn't feel they can meet those needs. It is actually pretty awful when you care about the person and feel like it is your job to give them what they want but can't.

 

The blueprint for this relationship dynamic came from my childhood relationship with my mom. And it continues to play out in my romantic relationships.

 

I have dated one avoidant person, and he is actually one of my favorite exes because we handled each other from an interested but respectful distance. We never imposed or insisted on anything. That felt like emotional compatibility, but as things proceeded there didn't seem to be enough of an investment or bond on either side to hold the relationship together.

[SpringAngel83]

SA, when did you start noticing his avoidanance and detachment?

 

What were the first three years of your RL like?

 

I thought you said they were pretty awesome, so is this something new and recent (like within the last six months)?

 

Or since you bought the house, or started pushing to get married?

 

I do know often times commitment/avoidance issues can pop up at any time during a RL, even when they were not present earlier, when, let's say a major event has occurred like buying the house.

 

Or marriage is being discussed/planned.

 

Those events will trigger the fear so they find ways to distance themselves and "avoid."

 

In the beginning of our relationship he was all in. He pursued me and was very present physically and emotionally. The relationship moved forward very easily. He asked me to move in after 6 months. We used to dance in the kitchen, he would say the nicest things to me... he never used I love you too often but I KNEW he did. He showed me.

 

A year ago I noticed him being super distant. I don't think I really need too much reassurance so maybe it took me a while to notice. We all have our quirks. Actually the first time I super noticed it was on Valentine's day. I gave him a card and wrote "To the love of my life" on it... and I noticed that freaked him out and he got weird. I blew it off. But it was a year ago that people started asking when we were going to get married and it shut him down. I always thought it was because he doesn't like to be pressured, and that he'd do it in his own time. Then I wanted to talk about our future and he resisted.

 

I was going to take a break to think about things right before Thanksgiving last year and he wrote this long letter. Told me he loves me and wants all the things and he's been depressed about his job and wanted to get back on his anti-anxiety medications. Then things progressed again. He bought me a puppy for Christmas and we bought a house together. Then that's when he SUPER shut down. It feels like he resents me for us buying a house together. Maybe it's just overloading him.

 

And I'm 33... I want marriage and babies soon. This topic just creates havoc every time it's brought up. I think it's time for the convo and I'm tired of waiting. But now I see it was never going to happen. He was never going to propose.

 

I hope I don't miss my chance. A part of me will resent him if that happens... for wasting 3.5 years of my precious time. I guess I'm assuming he knew he didn't really want these things. Maybe he thought he did... I don't know.

[TooRational]

My heart goes out to you SpringAngel. It's a tough spot to be in. I understand that the biological clock is ticking pretty hard. I'm sure that there's tons of stuff that you like about your bf and you would really want this relationship to work. It's hard to let go of the hope.

 

Things can turn around pretty quickly. Now that you know that an avoidant partner is not desirable for you (or anyone, really), you're in a better spot to find THE ONE (if you do choose to end this relationship). The book Attached gives tips on how to identify avoidants early on during the dating process.

 

So rather than seeing the past 3.5 years as waste, you can see it as a learning experience that just might enable you to find the right partner for the next 40-50 years. You are still young