Broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago. Really regretting it.

[MoonRocks]

So, 3 weeks ago today, I walked out on my girlfriend of 10 months in the middle of a heated argument about something so trivial that I started and wouldn't let go. The gist is I told her that since we couldn't communicate, this had to end, and walked out the door. We had just spent the entire day at the ER with her having a very painful gallstone attack, and her cat was two days removed from a brush with death. I was helping her to hold down and medicate her cat 3 times a day before her whole trip to the hospital, so me leaving left her broken hearted, hobbled with stomach pain, and with a sick cat to deal with all on her own. The next morning I wake up, completely sure I messed up, but she is having none of it. We continue to have very low text contact over the next 10-12 days, but slowly she seems to be coming around to no longer thinking I am the scum of the earth.

 

So as to not lose everyone's attention, I'll skip right to a couple of days ago where I finally convince her to meet me after she gets off work. I gave her a ride back to her place, she invited me in, and to my surprise and of course delight, we had sex. A couple of times. She said it would be rushing it for me to spend the night, so I excused myself and headed home. I woke up the next morning to her using uncharacteristically flowery language describing how surprisingly passionate she found the whole thing. I guess she was taken aback by the heat from the whole encounter. I pushed her to meet her again that night, we go out, have a few drinks, and then I'm back at her house again and we have sex all night long. As I'm leaving in the morning, I try to approach the subject of if she will be back in my life as my girlfriend again, but she doesn't know, and is "really confused." She, of course, is afraid the same thing will happen again. And, um, last night we met up and did it again. Sober this time.

 

So now it's today, and she's still unsure, and I'm going insane. I asked if she wanted to meet up again this weekend, but she was very non-committal. I will bet everything that she will drunk dial me at some point over the next few days. If it were the other way around, and she dumped me, I would have gotten the hint by now that she was just using me for sex or whatever. I know she is on Tinder. Again, she says she "has no idea" what she wants right now with regards to me. I asked her to just be blunt and let me know if I had a shot and she said "well, there's a chance, but it's going to take patience on your end." The main theme here is confusion. She keeps repeating how she is confused and she doesn't know what she wants.

 

The sex is obviously what has personally complicated things for me. It's surprising to me that she'll repeatedly sleep with me, but won't commit to anything more than that. I know she is on Tinder. I know her phone is getting blown up with messages every minute of the day, and I can't sleep or eat because of it.

 

Is this girl just playing with me to get back at me for my abandoning her, or is could there really be a chance she actually means what she says about her "thinking about it?" And if she is actually thinking about it, what more can you do when convincing a girl who will have sex with you like 8 times in 3 days to give the relationship another shot?

[MoonRocks]

My issues, in a nutshell: I have been under a lot of stress due to losing my job, and this blow up happened to be a direct result of me not dealing with that in the proper way. This one has been put to bed, as I finally got a new job last week.

 

I also have issues with jealousy that I know she can't stand. It's hard because she is seriously a 9/10, with male attention coming at her from so many different directions it makes me head spin. Whether it be in real life, or social media, guys are hollering at her 24/7 it feels like.

 

Thing is, I trust her to be loyal. 3 weeks of meditation on the subject has led me to come to the realization that I always did trust her. My own insecurities are the issue here. And I've let her know that I am prepared to make that trust explicit and actualyl follow through on it by not letting it bother me if we were to get back together. I guess she's not buying it?

[MoonRocks]

How could I forget this very important piece of information to help contextualize this whole thing: she's 21 and I'm 32. :/

[VeveCakes]

How could I forget this very important piece of information to help contextualize this whole thing: she's 21 and I'm 32. :/

 

Boom...there is your answer. Look no further.

[MoonRocks]

Boom...there is your answer. Look no further.

 

Haha, what do you mean? She's done with me? It's just sex for her?

[MoonRocks]

I'm about as cynical as it gets when it comes to this stuff, but sometimes I think what I did that night might just have been uncaring enough to really shake her faith in me. She comes from a background of a lot of trauma and abandonment, and I left her in the middle of a really trying time. I dunno. She was absolutely crushed the next day, I know that much.

[MrMeh]

Doesn't seem complicated at all. She's stays in touch with you for sex, while also enjoying herself with the attention and sex that comes from being single.

 

Just my assumption, but it seems she was ready to get out of the relationship if it only took her a couple of days to start getting on Tinder.

[MoonRocks]

Yeah. The Tinder thing really hurt me, actually. And I let her know about it. She said, and still says, she is only on there for the attention and that she hasn't even been talking to anybody yet.

 

I just don't get the amount of mixed messages either. Like, last night we were dead sober, we had sex and then cuddled up watching TV and slept in each others arms all night. This morning when I left, she gave me a legit, open mouth goodbye kiss. Blah. I'm only putting up with this indecisiveness on her part because I was the one who walked out on her.

[MoonRocks]

One more thing, the other night at the bar, her exact words when I asked her flat out to just tell me if I had a chance to get her back she kind of laughed and said, "Duh! Of course. I wouldn't be here otherwise." And I know from how she's dealt with previous boyfriends, that she has zero problem cutting people right out of her life or at the very least her bed, if she has truly decided they aren't for her.

[Bialy]

She has the benefits of having physical intimacy and closeness without the stress of having a committed relationship with you.

[MoonRocks]

Ok, I mean, I get that. I wouldn't be so confused myself if this was a couple of weeks from now. No way do I plan on having that much patience, or being that much of a doormat. If she is still "confused" in two weeks, than I won't be listening to it needless to say. Again, my thing is, I hurt her real bad, and this is now day 4 since we've been back on speaking terms. Last night as we were laying in bed, she casually mentioned how she would like to be married some day soon.

 

I really suspect she might be struggling with whether to let me back in or not. I guess I was posting this thread just to get some sort of confirmation from somebody who has been in a similar situation. I totally understand all of the pessimism, though.

[VeveCakes]

No I meant she is 21.

 

She has no idea what she wants at that age....she needs to be young and carefree to figure out who she is. This isnt the age to be trying to lock someone down.

[OnlyHonesty]

How could I forget this very important piece of information to help contextualize this whole thing: she's 21 and I'm 32. :/

 

 

Your ultimate problem is that you are treating a girl like a woman. Trying to invest deeply in stock that is shallow....and that has not had time to mature or develop fully yet.

 

Take a look back at the ''relationship'' that you had, it might not be as deep as you thought.

[MoonRocks]

This is all frighteningly spot on advice. Thanks for your help, everyone.

[Logo]

Last night as we were laying in bed, she casually mentioned how she would like to be married some day soon.

 

——

 

 

She could also be telling you things you want to hear. Do you trust her? Is it possible she's stringing you along? Why is she on Tinder? How was the relationship before the break up? Was it 50/50 or were you the one doing most of the work?

 

The answers will tell you where you stand. Don't let your feelings of guilt cloud your judgement. Take a few days to process things.

[MoonRocks]

Last night as we were laying in bed, she casually mentioned how she would like to be married some day soon.

 

——

 

 

She could also be telling you things you want to hear. Do you trust her? Is it possible she's stringing you along? Why is she on Tinder? How was the relationship before the break up? Was it 50/50 or were you the one doing most of the work?

 

The answers will tell you where you stand. Don't let your feelings of guilt cloud your judgement. Take a few days to process things.

 

She comes from a history of sexual and physical abuse from previous partners, so I believe her when she says she wants to get married soon. She made no secret during when we were first getting to know each other that she longs for security and a consistent rock of a partner. Surprisingly, despite our difference I was that guy for a good 8 months, until I lost my job and started mentally sinking a little bit.

 

Overall, everybody has raised some very valid points, but I can't shake the feeling that by walking out when she needed me, I may have legitimately damaged her trust in me to the point that she actually *is* confused and not stringing me along.

[MoonRocks]

Pretty sure the Tinder stuff is because she's sad and alone and wants people to tell her she's pretty. Not a great sign on its own, and it hurts me to know she's on there, but I can't really hold it against her when I stop and think about it.

 

Again, I would not be so accepting of any of this, if she was the one who left me. I would dust myself off and carry on with life. I feel like the fact that I was the dumper makes a lot of the typical ways to respond to this dilemma tricky, but maybe I'm just biased.

[lolablue17]

Look at you now, willing to do so much to have her back. She knows, and you know that part of your intensive desire on that is because she's rejecting you and because she's on tinder.

 

If she was coming back to you after 3 days, you wouldn't have appreciated it the same as now. So, whether she's aware of it or not, her instinct tells her to fry you on the pan a little longer, until you are willing to give her the moon, and hey!! It works!

 

The risk is she might become addicted to that feeling of power over you, which isn't healthy for long term. The other risk is that she will radicalize her conduct and start dating face to face with guys. In that case you'll have a very little control.

 

What you can do is tell her that you are willing to be patient, as long as there's is no other guy in the background, and in case there is (are), you're gone immediately. That's how she will at least know the rules of this game.

Edited October 8, 2016 by lolablue17

[elaine567]

She comes from a history of sexual and physical abuse from previous partners, so I believe her when she says she wants to get married soon.

 

 

...and that is exactly why you should not believe a word she says, she's a mixed up kid and she is only 21 too.

People who have been abused are often people pleasers - Google it or

She will not want to say no to you, as people pleasers hate to say no or disagree with anyone, so I guess "confused", being non-committal and on Tinder, is as close as she gets to a NO here.

[MoonRocks]

...and that is exactly why you should not believe a word she says, she's a mixed up kid and she is only 21 too.

People who have been abused are often people pleasers - Google it or

She will not want to say no to you, as people pleasers hate to say no or disagree with anyone, so I guess "confused", being non-committal and on Tinder, is as close as she gets to a NO here.

 

 

Thanks for the post. As much as I don't want to believe it, I am totally open to the idea that she is afraid to let me down, but the 'people pleaser' definition described in that video couldn't be more off base for her. She definitely doesn't fall into this category.

[fromheart]

In my experience, she's decided that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is using you for sex. When a woman has sex with you but doesn't want to sleep with you, that's usually whats going on. She's separated the emotional bond from the sexual bond.

 

If you're happy with that, by all means continue but bear in mind another man will most likely come into her zone, if that hasn't already happened. She's on Tinder for men, she sees herself as single now.

 

But if you're romantically interested you're in a pretty harsh place with her, and I suggest you get out of it for your own peace of mind.

 

 

I'll also add; leaving your girlfriend with gallstones pain and a sick pet would push most if not all women away.

 

Maybe tell her that you're sorry for what happened, you're still romantically interested in her but you don't want to be stuck in this 'no mans land.' She can contact you if she feels the same way romantically.

Then walk away. If you accept her power over you, her doing what she wants with you, there will be no hope for a new relationship. Walking away will save the relationship if its salvageable.

Edited October 8, 2016 by fromheart

[MoonRocks]

Good post. Yeeeeah, I ****ed up. I had my own things going on, but obviously it was an really insensitive thing to do. For somebody like her, with major trust issues, I just left her at her lowest point. Kind of her worst nightmare. I would say possibly worse than even cheating on her.

 

Repeating myself here, but like, my leaving her that night I think makes it possible she really is angry and confused as to if/how to move forward with me. I've been with girls who have used me for sex, as you put it, but she denies up and down that this is what's happening here. Time will tell, I guess. I don't want to wait too long, but I feel like throwing an ultimatum down at this point, considering the circumstances of our breakup, will just drive her away.

 

I don't doubt she considers herself single. I'm under no illusions there. I mean it took me 3 weeks of cautious, excruciating low-contact to even get to the point where she would see me in person. I care about this girl a whole lot, though, so I think it might be worth it to see where it goes.

[MoonRocks]

I started account because everything I google is full of advice about what to do as the person who is dumped, trying to win over the dumper. Even on this forum, I'd say the situations are 90% just that. I guess I'm looking/hoping for somebody who has went through something similar to chime in.

[elaine567]

Is her cat OK?

[MoonRocks]

Her cat is fine yeah. We knew the cat was going to be ok, after a huge scare at the vet. It was administering the medication that was super difficult. All the more difficult when it's suddenly just you and you have a blinding pain in your side :/