Who do you rely on?

[movingonmummy]

Couldn't find an appropriate place in the forum to put this...

 

Today I had a bit of a crisis and it made me think of this.

 

For those of you who don't have a reliable and supportive partner... who can you rely on day to day or in times of crisis?

 

I took my kids out today and on the way home I hit a kerb and blew my tyre. My phone was dead (not an usual situation for me!) and I had no cash on me. I checked and realised I don't have a spare tyre! Now thankfully I was only a 20 minute walk from home so managed to walk with my children home and charged my phone. (moral of this story is always be more careful and prepared). If I'd been farther from home I'd have had to knock on a strangers door!

 

I have breakdown cover but had forgotten which street I'd left my car on in the panic and with the kids nearly due bed (they are 4 and 5) and too tired to walk back I didn't know what to do so I called my ex (who I'm trying to get away from for repeated let downs and cheating). He hasn't come through in emergencies like this before but thankfully he was free and managed to find the car so I called breakdown to meet him there and they towed it to a tyre centre for me.

 

Breakdown cover was something I took out for myself after being stuck with a dead car and nobody to help before. I will have to be more careful now with having a charged phone, emergency cash!

 

I'm still in a pickle for tomorrow, I now have to get a taxi to school, nursery and then work. I can't get the morning off work as I've already had too much time off with emergency kids illness etc. So I'll have to get a taxi to nursery after work and then to the tyre centre to collect the car.

 

Anyway, the point is. How do I find people to rely on in situations like this? I'm not expecting it for nothing and will give people the same and more support in return.

 

My Mum and sister are a good emotional support but nothing they can do for me in a situation like this. My Mum works full-time and has my sisters kids the rest of the time while she works and then is the only person in the family who can take elderly relatives to appointments etc. My sister isn't reliable... she passes her kids to anyone who will have them so she can work in a pub then go out etc. Obviously if it was a life or death situation they would be there.

 

My Dad and brother have addiction problems and I haven't spoken to the rest of the family for years...

 

I have 2 friends. 1 who is very young and again a good emotional support when she is available. But out often, with her boyfriend/own family. My other friend is more just of a going out/catching up type. Neither would know the kids well enough to collect them from school if I was stuck somewhere. I'm friendly with the other Mums from school but don't know them well.

 

I find that other people don't understand as they have their husbands/dad/brother to help.

 

My children's father is reliable when he really needs to be, I needed unexpected surgery and he took an hour off work to pick the kids up from school for me and drop them to me. I didn't have anybody to help to give me a rest for a day or anything. If something happened to me and he was contacted as a next of kin emergency for the kids he would be there through no choice. He is in a new relationship and I would never expect to rely on him in a personal emergency. Again my sister and Mum would do it if there was no other choice. If I have a sickness bug or the flu or dental pain it's all down to me!

 

I think my son may have mild chickenpox... I've had to put long-sleeves on him and send him to his childcare anyway. I've had 2 warnings about absence from work (because i've had a bad year with kids being ill and off school and my surgery and being run down). If i lose my job I end up on income support, lose the nice house in a safe neighbourhood I got for the kids and the car etc.

 

I'm sometimes relied on by others - my sister for babysitting but she has excuses not to do it in return. Or if one of her kids needs to go to a doctors appointment etc as she doesnt drive. Friends if they need a lift or something. But I can't see them picking up the phone if I was in the same situation..

 

I have neighbours I like who've donated milk and cigarettes or a phone charger for a night until the kids wake when I've been stuck.

 

I've been joking today that as soon as I find a reliable and honest man I'm going to hang on like mad and marry the sh*t out of him and give him the best home cooked meals and sex and love and laughter in return - haha! In all seriousness.. what do other people do?

[Gloria25]

I don't have kids or a man...quite frankly, never have had a guy besides my 42yr old FWB, whose done a thing for me.

 

I figure it out or pay someone. I'm so independent that men who spend more than a week with me get bored cuz I have no use for them besides occasional company and sex.

 

Yeah, I have my days I wish I could have a guy to do things for me, and it was like pulling teeth to just let my FWB do handiwork he insisted on doing for me (real men want to provide and protect women). But meh, until I find a guy for the long run, either I'll do it myself or hire someone.

 

I have gfs who befriend males so they can call on them, but that's not me. I'm not gonna bat eyelashes to get a guy to do stuff for me...that's not me. I'm not a manipulator or user. I mean, these women wanna play naive as if they are clueless that these guys do stuff for them cuz secretly they hope one day to have sex with her

[katiegrl]

 

I took my kids out today and on the way home I hit a kerb and blew my tyre. My phone was dead (not an usual situation for me!) and I had no cash on me. I checked and realised I don't have a spare tyre! Now thankfully I was only a 20 minute walk from home so managed to walk with my children home and charged my phone. (moral of this story is always be more careful and prepared). If I'd been farther from home I'd have had to knock on a strangers door!

I have breakdown cover but had forgotten which street I'd left my car on in the panic and with the kids nearly due bed (they are 4 and 5) and too tired to walk back I didn't know what to do so I called my ex (who I'm trying to get away from for repeated let downs and cheating). He hasn't come through in emergencies like this before but thankfully he was free and managed to find the car so I called breakdown to meet him there and they towed it to a tyre centre for me.

 

Breakdown cover was something I took out for myself after being stuck with a dead car and nobody to help before. I will have to be more careful now with having a charged phone, emergency cash!

 

No you don't have to knock on a stranger's door and YES always have a charged phone and a credit card (you don't necessarily need cash).

 

Assuming you are grown up enough to know that you should always have a charged phone, when you have car troubles, you call AAA on your cell and they will come and change the tire, tow your car, bring gas (if you run out) or anything else having to do with your car. They will even drive you (and your kids home).

 

If you are not a member, become one. It's only like $35.00-$40.00 per year.

 

I'm still in a pickle for tomorrow, I now have to get a taxi to school, nursery and then work. I can't get the morning off work as I've already had too much time off with emergency kids illness etc. So I'll have to get a taxi to nursery after work and then to the tyre centre to collect the car.

 

Rent a car. Call Enterprise and they will even come to you! Or often times you can rent from the shop your car is in while they're working on it.

 

Anyway, the point is. How do I find people to rely on in situations like this? I'm not expecting it for nothing and will give people the same and more support in return.

 

 

You don't. You learn to become more self-sufficient.

 

In fact, even when I am IN a RL, if my car broke down I would call AAA.

 

And rent a car if mine was in the shop.

 

Yeah it's nice to have a man around, but hell HE is probably at work or doing whatever while I am having my crisis, and I have no desire or intention of troubling him with stuff that I can easily take care of myself.... as mentioned above.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Shanex]

I don't have kids or a man...quite frankly, never have had a guy besides my 42yr old FWB, whose done a thing for me.

 

I figure it out or pay someone. I'm so independent that men who spend more than a week with me get bored cuz I have no use for them besides occasional company and sex.

 

Yeah, I have my days I wish I could have a guy to do things for me, and it was like pulling teeth to just let my FWB do handiwork he insisted on doing for me (real men want to provide and protect women). But meh, until I find a guy for the long run, either I'll do it myself or hire someone.

 

I have gfs who befriend males so they can call on them, but that's not me. I'm not gonna bat eyelashes to get a guy to do stuff for me...that's not me. I'm not a manipulator or user. I mean, these women wanna play naive as if they are clueless that these guys do stuff for them cuz secretly they hope one day to have sex with her

 

I was once ''that guy'' and more foolish, and younger.

 

You women are a manipulative bunch aren't ya?

[Springsummer]

Probably OP was too used to rely on man/men, that's why all of a suddenly she has a crisis.

 

for the rest of us who have always been alone....

[Springsummer]

I was once ''that guy'' and more foolish, and younger.

 

You women are a manipulative bunch aren't ya?

 

I am not and have never been while I totally could.

[Shanex]

I am not and have never been while I totally could.

 

No worries. I'm joking with Gloria who's right in her last sentence. Some women are like that. Not all.

[katiegrl]

Probably OP was too used to rely on man/men, that's why all of a suddenly she has a crisis.

 

for the rest of us who have always been alone....

 

I only recently became "alone" yet I have always managed to take care of my own "crisis" (aka ****), when necessary.

 

It's called being resourceful and self-sufficient.

 

As I said it's great to have a man around, but hell he is dealing with his own life and doesn't need me calling him about my personal crisis, when I can easily take care of myself.

 

There is no reason why a woman in a RL can't contact AAA or rent a car, or call 911 if there is a medical emergency, or anything else for that matter.

 

Women are not helpless creatures that should depend on her man for every little crisis she experiences.

 

Unless her guy is the "savior" type, that's gonna get really old, really fast!

[JewelD]

My immediate family members. However, I prefer to rely on myself. I always come through when it comes to my own life.

 

If you had a partner, you could rely on them for certain things, but you don't, so you need to rely on yourself.

[AMJ]

When my car got totaled, the first person I wanted to call was my BF. However we were in the middle of a fight so I didn't call him. I called one of my friends instead. Later he'd said he was bothered that I didn't call him, and didn't like learning about the accident on Facebook. Lesson learned. Sometimes our partners want to take care of us.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

When my car got totaled, the first person I wanted to call was my BF. However we were in the middle of a fight so I didn't call him. I called one of my friends instead. Later he'd said he was bothered that I didn't call him, and didn't like learning about the accident on Facebook. Lesson learned. Sometimes our partners want to take care of us.

 

This.

 

I would want my girl to call me in times of crisis.

 

I would want my girl to call me in times of non-crises.

 

It doesn't get old. Some of us men would rather be the guy you called when you have problems AND when you need a good romp in the hay.

 

When my car breaks down, if I don't have roadside assistance, I change my own tire or get out and walk!

 

--

Funny story, just a few weeks ago, I ran out of gas on a busy bridge over to the West side of Seattle. I had plenty of cash, I just thought I'd make it over the bridge before I needed to fill up....

 

I didn't make it across the bridge.

 

So I walked 3 miles before a guy actually stopped and gave me a lift to the gas station, filled up his portable gas tank, and got a ride back to my car! I only took maybe 1/5th of the gas tank and I gave him the rest of the gas as a thank-you.

 

Cops were swarming my car when we got back because it was on the side of a bridge without much room. Thankfully, they read the note I left on the dashboard of my car (it said: "RAN OUT OF GAS LIKE AN IDIOT, GAS STATION DOWN THE ROAD, BE RIGHT BACK! DON'T TOW PLEASE!) and decided to give me a few minutes to return while joking with the tow truck driver (who was ready to take it ASAP)!

 

It didn't get towed! In fact, they laughed with me at the silliness of trying to get across the bridge to gas up instead of the gas station I just passed....

[katiegrl]

When my car got totaled, the first person I wanted to call was my BF. However we were in the middle of a fight so I didn't call him. I called one of my friends instead. Later he'd said he was bothered that I didn't call him, and didn't like learning about the accident on Facebook. Lesson learned. Sometimes our partners want to take care of us.

 

That is so funny, my bf used to say the same thing!

 

Why didn't you call ME? I could have helped!! You need to rely on me more, that's what RLs are about!

 

Then one time I DID call him, and he acted sort of irritated because he was in the middle of a business meeting!

 

He helped me anyway though...

[Gloria25]

Probably OP was too used to rely on man/men, that's why all of a suddenly she has a crisis.

 

for the rest of us who have always been alone....

 

Uh, one of the gfs I was referring to was perpetually single too. She never married and/or had kids.

 

Geesh, one reason why I cut it off with her was cuz I started noticing the amount of "projects" she'd ask me to help her with grew. I mean, it was fun when I had nothing going on, but I don't like to be used. So, she started using me like she used guys to do handiwork for her :mad:

 

I mean, we all have to put on our big girl/guy pants and handle our stuff (married or single). I mean, I watch these students in my hood and yep, their parents are always coming over to help them clean and stuff and the students have no shame to turn down the help and tell them, 'Hey Ma/Dad, lemme figure it out'...

Edited October 7, 2016 by Gloria25

[preraph]

I've been independent for most all of my years. Even when I had roommates in my 20s, it wasn't like they were all reliable -- plus we didn't even have phones back then. When I was in my early 20s and had car trouble, in the day of no cellphones just pay phones if you could find one, I would hitchhike if I had to.

 

Nowadays I would call my sister, but it would have to be a real crisis for her to want to stop what she's doing and come get me and if I was far away, forget it. I'd call a tow truck.

 

Get AAA for car stuff. They don't keep you waiting as long as some of the roadside assistance stuff does.

 

When i travel in hot weather, I carry a cooler of ice and an extra big cotton cloth in there to tie around my head or neck if I get stranded. Last time I had a flat, I drove on it to my vet's which was the closest people I knew at all to where I broke down and went in there to see if they knew a tire place nearby and then waited in my car 3 hours for a bad roadside assistance.

 

Time before that, my car died and a nice policeman stopped (it was 100 outside) and let me sit in my car until the tow came.

 

If you get sick, you call an ambulance if you have to. If you have kids, you need to make it your obligation to befriend a couple of neighbors enough that you can ask them to watch them until you can make other arrangements. I mean, I am not a kid type person but in an emergency, I would do whatever someone needed me to do like that, and most people will.

 

There were some latchkey kids when I went to visit my mom one time and there was a tornado close by, and these kids came over to my mom's even though she didn't know them. i think their parents had told them if something happened, go to the old lady's house, and so they came knocking and i put the in the hall with pillows over their heads.

 

 

I'm at an age now where I need to be prepared for not being able to work long enough to recuperate from surgery or whatever, and I am not prepared, because I don't have any money put away because I don't make enough to put it away, so I may hit the wall here one of these days. I'm doing PT to avoid surgery right now, in fact, and I hope that works.

 

So if you possible can, put a chunk of money away and keep your hands off it.

 

If you are really alone and no family to call on in an emergency, then you need to make friends with as many neighbors as possible and anyone else you come into contact with. Put effort into it. When you're young, you can be a loner. When you get old and can't walk or something, you better have some friends or you're going to the nursing home.

 

Train your kids what to do in an emergency, and groom them to be responsible and helpful in case you need them to help. Comes a time we have to role-reverse with our kids and let them take care of us when we're in a jam, so you train them responsibility and all the common-sense stuff they'd need to know in that event.

[Gloria25]

You know, even when married, IMO, a woman should be strong and "capable" of doing stuff - even if her husband is willing, able, and available. So, while men are hardwired to provide and protect, they don't need a woman who is a burden on them either. I mean, what if your man dies in an accident one day? In the military I strived to have everyone, down to a Private, be ready and capable to take over if I and others in the chain would get taken out.

 

My brother calls on me to do stuff for his wife a lot. I sometimes feel like I'm his 2nd wife. He also gets mad and frustrated with her cuz he wishes she had more initiative and was self-reliant. She does try sometimes, but I'm not sure if she's timid, not bright, or just wants someone else to do it for her...pretty women like her usually don't have to be smart ; )

[Frank13]

Op, buy a car charger for your phone. They aren't that expensive and even with your phone battery completely dead you will be able to plug it into the charger and be able to use it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Benjamin Franklin and Ulysses Grant....

 

 

But seriously...

 

I rely on my family...We are close and always there for another...That's what its all about...Its too bad that too many people alienate themselves from their families..

 

Friends are people you have fun with on occasion, but no one in my life was ever as dedicated and reliable as my own family...

 

TFY

[Gloria25]

Benjamin Franklin and Ulysses Grant....

 

 

But seriously...

 

I rely on my family...We are close and always there for another...That's what its all about...Its too bad that too many people alienate themselves from their families..

 

Friends are people you have fun with on occasion, but no one in my life was ever as dedicated and reliable as my own family...

 

TFY

 

Yes, as a single/widowed/divorced parent, the best thing you can do I reach out to family to assist.

 

Unfortunately, I don't rely on my family - they rely on me.

 

Over a decade ago I did a "test". I asked members of my family to give me $50.00 and made up some story that I was broke. Not one of them came through for me. I mean, they do little things like make a plate from dinner they made for me, they offer to pick up Mum, they offer little things - but unfortunately I believe for heavy stuff I gotta figure it out on my own or hire someone.

[Fair]

Get a spare tire and learn how to change it. We women can be lazy about things like that but if you're alone you've got to be prepared for everything.

 

Still, everybody needs help sometimes. People get married for survival, so no one should be sneering at you for your very real fears about being left alone with not help.

 

Unfortunately it's not easy to just go out and make a bunch of friends either, not as an adult woman, leaving one to feel like you MUST have a relationship of your own just in order to have your most basic needs met, and to be safe in the world... So, I sympathize with how you feel.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I never had anyone like this and I was always fine. I rely on emergency services and on the spot problem solving. When I was recently robbed of everything on the beach, I called the police (who took the report down but didn't come out) and borrowed few $ for a bus from a stranger that saw some of the incident.

[Toodaloo]

Living where I do it is not unusual to stop and help strangers. It is not unusual to ask for help if you need it. But that is what happens when mobile phones don't work due to lack of signal...

 

I sometimes think that technology and poor attitudes are making us less human. We drive on by and don't bother to simply ask "are you OK?"...

 

A few years ago I stopped at 2am for a car that had broken down on the back roads. It was a young girl on her way to a new job in a local spa that is hard enough to find at the best of times but as some of the local roads were closed she had got completely lost and run out of fuel... I am glad I bothered to stop. I hope that someone would do the same for my daughters/ mother/ niece etc...

 

Equally I have banged on a strangers door after an electrical fault made my car burst into flames while I was driving it over 20 years ago and I still remember. I have never forgotten them and always been grateful.

 

Poor girl burst into tears when I helped her. She had been terrified on her own, hadn't been able to call for help, exhausted, worn out and unable to tell anyone where she was to call for help even had there been a signal. So no I do not for one second regret pulling over and helping. I was the same when my car burst into flames around me.

 

A hug from a stranger can mean the world.

[compulsivedancer]

My family, definitely, but they live about an hour away. My boyfriend for sure, but I don't expect him to be able to do what's need him to do. If it's something small, like a ride or borrowing a tool, my coworkers are a great resource - because they come from all walks of life and ages, they often have contacts and ideas that wouldn't occur to me, and I am lucky to work with such a great crowd. Friends, yes, but I find that they are not usually available right away.

 

After years of watching my ex rely on friends and family for a variety of services, I started calling for help (eg, AAA or hiring a plumber). It's great to have friends with know-how, but it's so nice to just get something taken care of right away and not feel like you're taking advantage of anyone.

 

OP, if your mom watches your sister's kids, would she be available when you need extra help with yours?

[Nowty V]

My children's father is reliable when he really needs to be, I needed unexpected surgery and he took an hour off work to pick the kids up from school for me and drop them to me. I didn't have anybody to help to give me a rest for a day or anything. If something happened to me and he was contacted as a next of kin emergency for the kids he would be there through no choice. If I have a sickness bug or the flu or dental pain it's all down to me!

 

Parenting and holding down a job must be hard on you. Do you think you could have the conversation with the children's Father? After all it took 'two to tango'. He appears to be the only one in your set up who has an obligation to arrive at a better structure. You need a better structure for your own peace of mind. At present you are coping but there is an element of 'flying by the seat of your pants.

 

I think my son may have mild chickenpox... I've had to put long-sleeves on him and send him to his childcare anyway. I've had 2 warnings about absence from work (because i've had a bad year with kids being ill and off school and my surgery and being run down). If I lose my job I end up on income support, lose the nice house in a safe neighbourhood I got for the kids and the car etc.

 

You have a lot at stake. You have pretty much eliminated the suitability of Family & Friends as any kind of back up plan. Sending your child to childcare with a potentially contagious disease is risky. From where I'm stood it looks like you should be asking the children's Father 'What do we do with these kids?' "I can do most of it but I need a back up plan in order to deal with life's curve balls"

 

Alternatively what is the potential for becoming self employed and working from home? Maybe buying a van and industrial clothes press and ironing equipment and floating an Ironing Service?

 

It's certainly a situation that requires some thinking outside of the box. Children will get ill, school holidays etc.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

People have survived for thousands upon thousands of years without cell phones. Now everybody acts like they can't live without it. And at the same time get mad that their cell phone bill is too high. Lmao! I mean really, a cell phone cost very little to make and they can charge you $700 for it and people pay it cause they feel like the "need" the latest and greatest. Then get mad when they notice their bill is the price of a car payment. All so you Dumbos can check your pointless Facebook posts and Instagram a picture of your dinner and check in at the gym to make a big show of your life like anyone gives a damn that you work out at 24 hour fitness. "I neeeeeeed my cell phone! What if something happens to someone?" Next breath "how can you (Verizon at&t sprint whomever) justify charging me this much per month? You guys are crooks!" then their phone dies cause they dropped it in water and it's back to "omg I neeeeeed it! I'm lost without it I have to have my cell phone! Here is $700 for a new one cause I got to have it!" Then they get their bill and it's back to "this is highway robbery, I hate (insert service providers name) they are crooks for charging so much" supply and demand folks. You can't live without, cell phone companies will take advantage of your stupidity.

 

People are so stupid about their dumb ass phones. Like your day to day activities are that important anyway.

 

Hey OP. How was that walk? Did you die? We're you in mortal danger because you didn't have your phone? Did life suddenly end when your iPhone battery died? Sounds like you were just fine to me. Had a minor inconvenience due to a tire. Would your cell phone have prevented it? Does your cell have a tire pump and a jack and tire iron built in? Of course not. But I bet your neighbor probably had all that stuff and you can try for human communication for a change and just ask. Despite what the news wants you to believe cause fear sells better then anything else I know of, nearly everybody on this earth is a decent person more then willing to help another person out. Imagine that? You could just ask someone, like me and billions of others. Probably would have gotten a ride and they could have called for you and everything would be OK.

 

I rely on myself. That includes being comfortable enough and real and smart enough to recognize nearly everyone on this planet is a decent person and willing to help someone else out. If someone knocked on my door asking for assistance, I would do whatever was in my power to help them. Its not like I'm some amazing person given to earth to help others. I'm just a normal dude. I bet if someone knocked on your door OP, you would help them right? Same with probably everyone on this site. Why is there so much fear out there? What has made everyone so afraid of one another? I honestly don't get it. When did people find fear ruling their lives is a good thing? I don't understand any of it.

 

In your shoes. I would have relied on my neighbors. These are the same people who went out of their way to welcome me when I moved in. These are the same people who are firefighters, police, teachers, customer service employees... The same people working to improve my life and yours. They are literally everywhere you look. Why are you scared to ask them for help? People want to help others. We do it every day. Almost all of us do it every day. That is how humans work. That is why cities exist. Because we build communities together for support. We want to be around others for support. So ask those around you for support. They will help! It's really not that difficult a concept to grasp and the evidence of decent folks who would love to help you vs the bad guys is overwhelming.

 

Rely on yourself. Rely on your neighbors. Rely on your family. We are all here to help. How many people on this site post to help someone they don't know at all? Like everyone here? Is this some strange unheard of site where people want to help one another? Hell no! It's like nearly every other site it the world. People taking time out of there day to video "how to change your oil" and posting it online. Or whatever. "How to get rid of mice" there is a "how to" on practically everything you can think of on the web. People genuinely want to help others, again the evidence is so overwhelming it's ridiculous that people can't just ask others for help when we all want to do it!

 

It's one thing to not ask for help out of pride, wanting to do it for themselves. It's completely idiotic to not ask for help out of fear of others. Like we are all out to get one another. I mean really? You let those less then 1% of people dictate your life? Really?

 

I rely on others when in need. Complete strangers. As well as family and friends. And rely on myself. I'm confident that I can survive minor inconveniences. Make no mistake, A flat tire is about as minor an inconvenience as there ever was one. Hardly a reason to question who you can rely on and who you can turn to for help. Shoot, just knock on my door, if I'm home I'll be more then happy to help and it isn't an inconvenience at all.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Yes, as a single/widowed/divorced parent, the best thing you can do I reach out to family to assist.

 

Unfortunately, I don't rely on my family - they rely on me.

 

Over a decade ago I did a "test". I asked members of my family to give me $50.00 and made up some story that I was broke. Not one of them came through for me. I mean, they do little things like make a plate from dinner they made for me, they offer to pick up Mum, they offer little things - but unfortunately I believe for heavy stuff I gotta figure it out on my own or hire someone.

 

I thought you said you weren't manipulative. Lol. Nothing like playing head games with your own family to prove otherwise. In the end the only person you manipulated was your own self in to thinking others weren't there for you. Maybe they know of your manipulative ways and didn't fall for it? Offered other things in place of money knowing you manipulate and play head games. I bet you can't figure why you are still single either. And in turn place the blame on others and particularly men for your relationship problems.

 

But that's none of my business *sips coffee